Monday, July 21, 2014

Ran-dumb Thoughts

Ignore me. I'm just getting my thoughts out. If you decide to read on, I may sound like a crazy person. So be warned.

I'm on a design-high
There's so much I want to do
But I must get rid of this credit card
I think I'm just going to do it
Transfer from savings and pay it off
Then I'll be free!
I'll use the money I put on pay off plan back into my savings
There
Done
Now what's first?
Powder room.
I need to do a storyboard to gather my thoughts
I also need a chair for my office
And a bulletin board so I can pin up inspiration
Bulletin Board
Chair
New sink fixtures
White paint
Vintage or wood light fixture
Big frame
My black and white art
Clear shelf
Rug for floor
Has anyone ever seen a small rug in a powder room
I want one
If people can have rugs around their toilets, I can have a rug
A black and white rug
Then after that is the fence
While we're saving for that, I will change out all my art
I'm sick of the happy colorful cookie cutter art I have
the 'Be Calm and...' poster
Over it
Then comes the living room
I want to move my furniture around
And get a new rug
Maybe an ottoman instead of the nesting tables
I like to put my feet up too much
A white ottoman
Or something light in color
Or leather!
Gotta make a careful choice
Ok, duty calls
List has been started and thoughts are cleared
Progress

Sunday, July 20, 2014

A Positive Outlook

The lovely thing about marriage...well, marriage between two people who have the goal of making their God happy... is that it can only get better. That's the true eventuality of that relationship. Two people who have the goal of making their God happy, want to do things the right way. So with all the lessons learned early in the marriage, both parties can do nothing but mature and grow.

That's my belief. That's really what I base my whole marriage on. And I see it happening. Every time there's a disagreement, it's handled a little bit better than the last. Every time feelings are hurt, someone is a little less offended than before. When situations arise, Bible principles guide one more than previously.

Because, let's be honest. To go in the other direction is a result of stupidity. Even insanity. Why make the same mistakes over and over again? Who does that benefit? In my religion, when you make the same mistake over and over again, the consequences are not easy. That's because my God does not tolerate insanity and stupidity after one has been taught. After you get the lesson, you are expected to do better.

It's no different in marriage. And for that reason, I look forward to seeing where we'll be 10 years out. I'd actually give my thumb (not really because I need my thumb), to be 10 years out and to see how differently we handle situations. I so look forward to seeing where my husband is. How differently will he love me? If the same issue presented itself in 10 years, how different will his reaction be? I look forward to the wisdom that I will gain. What kind of application will I make? What will no longer be an issue for me?

So while I sometimes base my strength in marriage solely on what wonderfulness the future holds, I know that I have to live in today. In the here and now. So I try to not miss the process. The maturation of it all. The little victories we have. I can't forget that next week is also considered the future. With every passing wee, the growth process is existing. Day to day even. As long as I'm taking something I learned and applying to the next week, the next day, the next minute, growth is happening.

I've always been up for challenges in life and I've always gotten through them well. (Not to toot my own horn.) Marriage is so far the most challenging thing I've ever done, but just like in other challenges, I have a good feeling about how I'm doing. I am a perfectionist and I hate to fail, so I am determined to do this right.

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

So True!

'I love the very idea of breakthrough moments, breakthrough times in our lives. I would have to say that the biggest breakthroughs for me have always happened when I was going through a difficult time and suddenly came across an "aha" moment or an opening.

So what I’ve learned from all of the breakthroughs in my life experience is that not one single thing you ever have to go through, or get through, is wasted. All experiences are greater possibilities for a moment of awakening and enlightenment.' - Oprah

I was just thinking about this idea the other day. I was participating in a Bible discussion about appreciating Jehovah's watchful care and how He helps us endure trials. Two questions arose. What might be one of the reasons why God does not intervene in solving our personal problems? and What realization might help you to avoid becoming impatient when waiting for Jehovah to help you through a trialsome situation? 
I've had the wonderful pleasure of going through some trialsome situations in which I learned more about myself than I would have otherwise. The break-up with my ex, the loss of a relationship with a old friend, a terrible mishap with my first love... Looking back on those experiences, I admit that they were all well-deserved. It was brought up in the Bible discussion that while we may feel that the other party bears most of the blame, God may view things differently. From His standpoint, you may be more at fault than you realize. I think that was the situation for me in ALL of my trials. It taught me a valuable lesson. If you stick to the paths outlined in God's Word, all will be fine. When you veer to the right or left or think you know better than God, bad things happen. Like Oprah said, not one single difficult experience was wasted. I was awakened and enlightened. 
Here's another quote for you from Zoe Saldana. 
“I was a ferocious dancer so therefore I was a ferocious up-and-coming actress. When it comes to auditions, I’m not competitive with anybody. I don’t even know who’s sitting next to me. I wouldn’t even tell you if it was a blonde or brunette. The moment you compare yourself, it weakens you.”
This chick isn't playing. I knew there was a reason I like her. I LOVE that last line.

Friday, June 06, 2014

Questions Answered

Thought I'd take a little time to answer some questions from what I've determined is my favorite website right now.

  1. If a doctor gave you five years to live, what would you try to accomplish?
  2. What is the difference between falling in love and being in love?
  3. Who do you think stands between you and happiness?

1. This is a timely question because I randomly read an article about the actress, Kate Hudson yesterday. Kate has this fly by the seat of her pants attitude. Real bohemian. She does daily meditations and whatever she wants to do, she does. She exercises by dancing around to music intensely until she's tired out and then does an interview immediately afterwards with sweat in her hair. That kind of attitude is so cool to me. If I had 5 years to live, I would cash out of savings and do whatever the heck I want to do. One of those things would HAVE to be traveling. I would dance more too - take some classes. I would also take more photos. Not of other people like I do now. I would capture more of my experiences and take photos of people I meet and places I see. I would then compile them right before I passed to leave them for my family. I would explore more. My city and others have so many gems to be seen. A friend just texted me asking me for furniture spots in DC. I told her I do all my shopping online which is a shame because there are probably all sorts of cool places sprinkled around the city. Oh, I would also see a lot of live music. All kinds of music. I don't care what it is. Long story short, I would try to accomplish the feeling of freedom, love and peace. Real bohemian of me huh?

2. The difference is that one is short term and the other is long term.

3. What ultimately stands between me and happiness is this current dark, twisted, festering system and the imperfection that feeds it. Happiness looks like not having to grind for a human/corporation who can give two craps about me, having a family with mini-mes or opposite-of-mes (lol), dealing with people who just want to love and do for others all the time. But while I'm living in it, what stands between me and happiness is...hmm... I don't know. I feel like the right answer should be 'myself', but I'm not sure if I would be true to my feelings if I said that. I know it's probably true. I mean it always comes back to ourselves. But taking a step back, this question assumes that I'm not already happy. I'm happy given the circumstances of this world. 

Here's another deep question. What gives your life meaning? 
I just sent texted this out to a group. Hard question to answer. What say you?

Thursday, June 05, 2014

The Ride of Our Lives

I said it once, I said it twice, I said it three times and I have to say it again. Has a song every captured your heart so obsessively that you write a blog about it every single time you hear it?

I gave love one more last time
Not what I expected, it was true perfection
Still I wasn’t sure you fit my rhyme
Like a poets letter streaming words together forever
Then you gave me life through a precious little girl
She changed my focus and helped me notice
That that’s what love is

I wanted it
You wanted it
We had to see
What this felt like
We wanted it
Once we got to it
We had a peek
Spending way more time
Somehow this feeling
Is kinda splendid
Once we start
We shifted into overdrive
What we both wanted
Now we both on it
The ride of our lives

I knew from the first glance, I was frozen
Fresh like a photo car on the show floor
Staring at perfection, gone in 60 seconds
Instant upgrade with this affection
As the passion rose like a speedometer
On the dashboard, I put my petal to the floor
I put it right there, and I floated right through your front door
That’s what the seat belt is for

I wanted it
You wanted it
We had to see
What this felt like
We wanted it
Once we got to it
We had a peek
Spending way more time
Somehow this feeling
Is kinda splendid
Once we start
We shifted into overdrive
What we both wanted
Now we both on it
The ride of our lives

Let’s take it to the next level
You made me rearrange my life for you
We never knew how special
And I know that’s it worth it, I know that it’s worth it
This life’s so incredible
Cuz I see the same look in that little girl’s eyes
We both make it work
We’re gonna make it work

Cuz I’ve earned the right to say this time

- Jon B.

This song makes me remember who I am and what I want and what my life is about. It re-centers me and helps me to find myself again. I can't explain it. It's like my light is dimmed. Certain parts of me are suppressed. My values and desires are compromised. And then, all of a sudden, I hear the twinkling intro and I remember who I am. This song is everything I want and has every sentiment I've ever dreamed of having in my life as a woman. It touches me over and over and over again. 

Love
Romance
Sweetness
Tenderness
Family
Children
Passion
Connection
Soul mate
Special
Femininity
Partnership
Companionship
Chemistry
Desire
Harmony

I feel all of this and more. This song means everything to me because it represents everything I ever wanted my life to be.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Manage

I feel like there's a tornado swirling somewhere close to me. Close enough that all the wind, rain, dust and debris is affecting my visibility. I'm even getting hit my some of it. I have cuts and bruises, scrapes and some lashes. It's rough out here.

You know how you know you should pray, but you don't even know what to pray for. That's my current situation. I wonder if it's normal for someone to deal with so much stuff at work and still be strong.

My job situation is heavy in so many ways. Not only is the work heavy but the politics are so muddy that I feel like I'm standing in quick sand. I don't understand what's going on. My family members and friends tell me what's going on. I know factually what's going on. But even though I hear everyone and agree, I still can't see past the quick sand. My co-worker gets a promotion and she's excited. Boss asked me if I wanted a promotion and I'm torn. I have a conflict that other people don't have. I have to think with two sides of my brain. The one everyone in this office thinks with and the one that no one in this office has - a spiritual mindset. I know it's not fair to say because I don't know everyone else's life, but my life is so much more complex than theirs! I just know it! Bump not being fair. Their life issues are temporary. They affect the here and now which won't be around too much longer. My issues affect the here and now and forever!

So with my work situation feeding into my spiritual situation, I naturally start thinking, 'why am I doing this? why spend my time dealing with politics and toil when we're so close to the end? there's something else so important, that i could be doing with my time!' Pioneering, auxiliary pioneering, part-time work, quitting altogether, immersing myself in life-saving work, moving to a place where the need is greater, sharing spiritual goals with my life partner...

And then there's that. Sharing spiritual goals with my life partner or not. My life partner loves his job, he loves living where we live, he doesn't have the circumstances to pioneer. So do I do this alone? Does that mean I can never serve where the need is great? Should I just stay still and push through the politics and toil? Should I do what I don't want to do?

I'm so overwhelmed with this life I have. I'm standing at a fork in the road. Such a pivotal place in life. So close to the end. I want to make the right decision. I don't want to stand in quick sand. I don't want to do this secular type work anymore. I want to be free of corporate America and do what I've been commanded to do by the superior authority. How do I go with what my gut is telling me and not be selfish in my marriage? I feel like I'm losing air and I'm trying to survive. I'm an all or nothing type and I can't apologize for that. I can't be forced into thinking that there's fault in an all or nothing personality. I like to jump in with both feet and take challenges head on. That's just who I am.

So while I have one foot stuck in concrete and the other out the door, how do I manage?

I keep giving these Bible studies as if I have it all together. I need someone. I need a support. I need someone to give me what I give to others. A spiritual mom. I need someone.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Hell Yeah

don't it seem like every time you try and progress
something's always holding you back
waiting on line for my piece of the pie
but there's none left

my people just tryna get by
but the devil all in the way

we just tryna live right
but the devil all in the way

they say we're living in hell here
hell yeah

when will all this senseless violence end
when will it be safe for people to live again
tax the poor almost half to death while the rich live lavish
we're just dying to live

my people just tryna get by
but the devil all in the way

we just tryna live right
but the devil all in the way

they say we're living in hell here
hell yeah

I know a place where ain't nobody crying
I'll take you there
I know a place where ain't nobody dying
I'll take you there

- Stacy Barthe

This song is so real to me. The Devil is surely all in the way. But Jehovah is testing my spiritual fitness and using the one closest to me to do it. I couldn't be more in need of a place and time where there are no more tears and pain. I just need to hold on while walking in this selfish, cruel, disgusting world. I hate the influence it has on my family. Jehovah wants me to win and has confidence in me, so I will pray for Him to help me hold on.

Monday, April 07, 2014

My Truth

I know something about myself. If my job is stressful, my whole life is stressful. When my job is overwhelming, my life is overwhelming. When things are tough on the job, I can't think and there is no peace. It plays that much of a role in my life. My job affects me in a manner far more than I wish it to. That's just the way it works for me. And it's understandable being that I spend more time at work than at home. The majority of my days alive are spent on the job... When I think about that last sentence I just typed, I feel disgusted because this was not the way our lives were intended to be. Our only 'job' is supposed to be living in Jehovah's wonderful creation, subjecting creatures of the land to ourselves, and procreating. That's it.

But since imperfection prevails and our original purpose has been thwarted by sin, I need to figure out what to do. What truly makes me happy has nothing to do with work. Going to the theatre, listening to music, being outside in the sun, writing while laying in the grass, capturing beauty with a camera lens, exploring new destinations, learning about new ways of thinking, making things look lovely... That what makes me happy. How to translate that into a job that doesn't stress me out, that allows flexibility, allows me to experience something new everyday, and that provides me with enough income seems impossible. The idea of looking for another job that fits me...Ugh. Stressful. I truly believe it doesn't exist. I've had this same conversation with myself for 10 years now. I've had this same battle for TEN whole years. A DECADE. And as a result, I've bounced around from job to job in pursuit of something that I can't find.

I think I'm a flower child at heart but a corporate woman by mind. What I want most out of life is peace. I love beauty and breezes. I am attracted to the sun and happy faces. But what I've been engineered to do is manage projects, run meetings and administer systems. What really sucks about the whole thing is how well I play the corporate woman role. I play it so well in fact that managers and executives see it and push me harder until I get deeper and deeper into the web. It would all be so much easier if I sucked at my job.

I'm afraid of not having enough money. As frivolous and material as that sounds... That's why I'm afraid to pursue anything drastically different than what I'm doing right now. That's why I'm afraid to pursue what makes me happy. I've been tight with money and it is not the business. I haven't had those kinds of money issues in a while and I will admit that I'm extremely spoiled. I don't want to struggle financially. If I want a $300 dress for the assembly, then that's what I want. I'm entitled to that. ESPECIALLY after how hard I work. If I work a job that I enjoy, I find it hard to believe I'll even have $300 to buy a dress.

Some say that it's possible, but I don't believe them. I'll have to start out at the bottom all over again.

My current job is for someone who wants to climb the corporate ladder. It's for someone who wants to be seen. It's for someone who wants to be in the corporate "in" crowd. It's for someone whose life is their job.

I don't believe I should take the promotion. Yep. That's where this is leading me to. I think I'm finally coming into some clarity.

Finally.

Update: My mom read my blog and reminded me of this quote from the movie After Earth with Will Smith. “Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.” Now... how to actually incorporate this into my truth...Gotta mull that one over.
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