Monday, April 21, 2014

Hell Yeah

don't it seem like every time you try and progress
something's always holding you back
waiting on line for my piece of the pie
but there's none left

my people just tryna get by
but the devil all in the way

we just tryna live right
but the devil all in the way

they say we're living in hell here
hell yeah

when will all this senseless violence end
when will it be safe for people to live again
tax the poor almost half to death while the rich live lavish
we're just dying to live

my people just tryna get by
but the devil all in the way

we just tryna live right
but the devil all in the way

they say we're living in hell here
hell yeah

I know a place where ain't nobody crying
I'll take you there
I know a place where ain't nobody dying
I'll take you there

- Stacy Barthe

This song is so real to me. The Devil is surely all in the way. But Jehovah is testing my spiritual fitness and using the one closest to me to do it. I couldn't be more in need of a place and time where there are no more tears and pain. I just need to hold on while walking in this selfish, cruel, disgusting world. I hate the influence it has on my family. Jehovah wants me to win and has confidence in me, so I will pray for Him to help me hold on.

Monday, April 07, 2014

My Truth

I know something about myself. If my job is stressful, my whole life is stressful. When my job is overwhelming, my life is overwhelming. When things are tough on the job, I can't think and there is no peace. It plays that much of a role in my life. My job affects me in a manner far more than I wish it to. That's just the way it works for me. And it's understandable being that I spend more time at work than at home. The majority of my days alive are spent on the job... When I think about that last sentence I just typed, I feel disgusted because this was not the way our lives were intended to be. Our only 'job' is supposed to be living in Jehovah's wonderful creation, subjecting creatures of the land to ourselves, and procreating. That's it.

But since imperfection prevails and our original purpose has been thwarted by sin, I need to figure out what to do. What truly makes me happy has nothing to do with work. Going to the theatre, listening to music, being outside in the sun, writing while laying in the grass, capturing beauty with a camera lens, exploring new destinations, learning about new ways of thinking, making things look lovely... That what makes me happy. How to translate that into a job that doesn't stress me out, that allows flexibility, allows me to experience something new everyday, and that provides me with enough income seems impossible. The idea of looking for another job that fits me...Ugh. Stressful. I truly believe it doesn't exist. I've had this same conversation with myself for 10 years now. I've had this same battle for TEN whole years. A DECADE. And as a result, I've bounced around from job to job in pursuit of something that I can't find.

I think I'm a flower child at heart but a corporate woman by mind. What I want most out of life is peace. I love beauty and breezes. I am attracted to the sun and happy faces. But what I've been engineered to do is manage projects, run meetings and administer systems. What really sucks about the whole thing is how well I play the corporate woman role. I play it so well in fact that managers and executives see it and push me harder until I get deeper and deeper into the web. It would all be so much easier if I sucked at my job.

I'm afraid of not having enough money. As frivolous and material as that sounds... That's why I'm afraid to pursue anything drastically different than what I'm doing right now. That's why I'm afraid to pursue what makes me happy. I've been tight with money and it is not the business. I haven't had those kinds of money issues in a while and I will admit that I'm extremely spoiled. I don't want to struggle financially. If I want a $300 dress for the assembly, then that's what I want. I'm entitled to that. ESPECIALLY after how hard I work. If I work a job that I enjoy, I find it hard to believe I'll even have $300 to buy a dress.

Some say that it's possible, but I don't believe them. I'll have to start out at the bottom all over again.

My current job is for someone who wants to climb the corporate ladder. It's for someone who wants to be seen. It's for someone who wants to be in the corporate "in" crowd. It's for someone whose life is their job.

I don't believe I should take the promotion. Yep. That's where this is leading me to. I think I'm finally coming into some clarity.

Finally.

Update: My mom read my blog and reminded me of this quote from the movie After Earth with Will Smith. “Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.” Now... how to actually incorporate this into my truth...Gotta mull that one over.

Wednesday, April 02, 2014

Therapist

I feel like I'm losing control of my life. The stress and weight of everything is unsurmountable.

My job is... sigh. It's so heavy I have trouble putting it into words. Overwhelming, stressful, taken advantage of, catch 22, in between a rock and a hard place, political, b.s., they-think-I'm-stupid. That's what comes to mind. Have you ever heard of a manager who says that he wants to give someone a promotion and then tells them to go and design it all under the guise of 'needing help'? I feel like I'm being carried. I need to talk to Ms. Cheryl. Because I don't know what to do.

How do I keep all of this in line and checked against my spiritual obligations? That's not something Ms. Cheryl can help me with.

Financially, I'm overwhelmed.

Marriage wise, I'm just... It's just not a good time for any hiccups there. I don't have the energy. I can't take another stress load.

I'm going to crack soon. I need to talk to a therapist. There is too much on my back.

Thursday, March 06, 2014

My Eyes Well Up

Today, I told my 18 year old grandson that nobody asked me to prom when I was in high school, so I didn’t attend. He showed up at my house this evening dressed in a tuxedo and took me as his date to his prom.

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O- blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin brother has O- blood. I explained to him that it was a matter of life and death. He sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to his parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took his blood and he asked, “So when will I die?” He thought he was giving his life for hers. Thankfully, they’ll both be fine.

Today, my 21 year old Labrador can barely stand up, can’t see, can’t hear, and doesn’t have enough strength to bark. But it doesn’t stop her from wagging her tail a mile a minute every single time I walk into the room.

Today, after I heard that my mom stayed home from work with the flu, I stopped by Wal-Mart on my way home from school to pick her up some canned soup. I ran into my dad who was already in the check-out line. He had 5 cans of soup, NyQuil, tissues, tampons, 4 romantic comedy DVDs and a bouquet of flowers. My dad makes me smile.

Today, my 75-year-old grandpa who has been blind from cataracts for almost 15 years said to me, “Your grandma is just the most beautiful thing, isn’t she?” I paused for a second and said, “Yes she is. I bet you miss seeing that beauty on a daily basis.” “Sweety,” my grandpa said, “I still see her beauty every day. In fact, I see it more now than I used to when we were young.”

Wednesday, March 05, 2014

Questions

Hubby and I have found that our conversations are rudimentary. They are not particularly interesting, deep or inspiring. We talk about work, our dog, what's on the calendar, and when we need to schedule a cleaning day. So in an effort to expand our conversations, we've googled 'thought provoking questions'. In my search, I found this link to be very enlightening in more ways than one. I love these questions for us and for myself so I'm sharing. Here are the first 10. As you answer, check and see if you find anything interesting about yourself.

  1. When was the last time you tried something new?
  2. Who do you sometimes compare yourself to?
  3. What’s the most sensible thing you’ve ever heard someone say?
  4. What gets you excited about life?
  5. What life lesson did you learn the hard way?
  6. What do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago?
  7. Do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know?
  8. Who do you love and what are you doing about it?
  9. What’s a belief that you hold with which many people disagree?
  10. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

Friday, February 21, 2014

Proverbs 31

Who can find a capable wife?
Her value is far more than that of corals.
Her husband trusts her from his heart, And he lacks nothing of value.  
She rewards him with good, not bad, All the days of her life.  
She obtains wool and linen; She delights to work with her hands. 
She is like the ships of a merchant,
Bringing her food in from afar.  
She also rises while it is still night, Providing food for her household And portions for her female servants. 
She sets her mind on a field and buys it; She plants a vineyard from her own labors. 
She prepares herself for hard work,
And she strengthens her arms.  
She sees that her trading is profitable; Her lamp does not go out at night.  
Her hands seize the distaff, And her hands take hold of the spindle. 
She extends her palm to the lowly one, And she opens her hands to the poor. 
She does not worry about her household because of the snow, For her whole household is clothed in warm garments.  
She makes her own bed covers.  
Her clothing is of linen and purple wool.  
Her husband is well-known in the city gates,
Where he sits among the elders of the land.  
She makes and sells linen garments
And supplies belts to the merchants.  
She is clothed with strength and splendor, And she looks to the future with confidence. 
She opens her mouth in wisdom;
The law of kindness is on her tongue.  
She watches over the activity of her household, And the bread of laziness she does not eat. 
Her children rise up and declare her happy; Her husband rises up and praises her.  
There are many capable women, But you—you surpass them all.  
Charm may be false, and beauty may be fleeting,
But the woman who fears Jehovah will be praised. 
Give her the reward for what she does,
And let her works praise her in the city gates.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Burden

It's times like this that I miss California. If I were back on the west coast, my day would go something like this.

Go to work in semi warm weather, come home for lunch for a 30 minute nap, go back to work for a few more hours, get off at 4. I'd go home, change my clothes and grab either a blanket or a beach towel. Depending on the intensity of sun, I'd choose a peaceful afternoon in the park by my house with a book and my headphones or an afternoon of tanning at the beach 10 minutes from my studio.

What I'm feigning for right now is that beach scene. The sounds of the beach and the ocean, the chance to rest and think. The smell of saltwater. The glistening of the sun on the blue abyss.

I don't know what is happening in my life right now, but I am insanely, tear jerkingly exhausted. Really, I could cry. But it might not be that bad if all I was was tired. My schedule is a struggle. You ever seen a machine in a factory that just goes up and down over and over again and pounds repeatedly on the object below it? And it never stops? The stress it exerts on the item below it never weakens? The force and mass of weight it carries is enormous? That's how my schedule is. It never lessens. The pounding doesn't quiet down. The weight never decreases.

There's always a burden on me. I'm always concerned about him. My thoughts are always pushing me to keep going for him. What is he going to eat? If I don't meal plan and think grocery shopping through, he's going to eat junk and be unhealthy. Did I do enough laundry for him? If he sees me sitting/watching tv/trying to take a moment, is he feeling some kind of way about what I'm NOT doing and what hasn't been done. I hate to say this as well, but I'm always concerned about HIM as well. Any moment of free time I have at work needs to be for studying. At 6pm everyday, I need to stop and read the Bible. Bible studies need to be prepared for. Bible studies need to be had.

I have absolutely no time for me. Got a stack of magazine I would like to browse. Can't. Got chipped polish on my nails I need to change. Can't. Want to catch up on shows without feeling guilty. Can't. Need a quiet minute without worrying about what my dog is chewing on. Nope. Would like to organize my closet. Sorry. I'm interested in going to see a foreign film. Too tired. The art that's sitting on my bench needs to go up. Can't organize my thoughts to get the wall painted first. Want to beadboard my powder room. Nope - money for bridesmaid duties come first. Want to take my dog to a dog park to be with other dogs. No energy. Want to write in my journal. No time.

As much as I love my husband and my dog, I need time away. I wish I could be single for two weeks so I can find me again. My feet are not under me. They are way behind me, two blocks behind me. My mind is constantly racing thinking about all the things that need to be done. I have to stay on top of everything. Even right now, the list in my head is long.

I need to call my mom.

Friday, January 31, 2014

Today's Thoughts

Artistic Thoughts
For the visual arts. Photography. Paining. Designing. Sometimes it's better to not have a plan, just go. Natural. Capture real life. Organic. Instinctual. Raw. No Fear. Attack. It's not always perfect and still looks beautiful. That's what sets the art apart.

Dog Thoughts
My dog is super attached to me. He's acting funny. I think I'm giving off a special chemistry.

New Life Thoughts
I love my life right now. What I fear most about having a baby if that ever were to happen is the massive extent to which my life will change. I don't want to lose anything I love in order to gain a child. "Just because you become a mother, it doesn't mean you lose who you are." I will stand by this philosophy if I'm ever in that situation. "You can have your child and still have fun and still be sexy and still have dreams..."

Novelty Thoughts
Novelty is good. It's great in regards to music and relationships. That's when your interest is at its highest. When the novelty wears off, so does your interest. The way to remedy that declining eventuality is to minimize your exposure. Take it a little at a time. Then your interest will last longer.

Personal Development Thoughts
If I had 4 walls, I have one more to tear down. I enjoy being all things. Mature, Fun, Intelligent, Down-to-earth, etc. But there's one more... That's the major difference between the old me and this me. I am so many things at once. Crawling into all secret facets of myself is revealing. Comfortable in my skin. It's peaceful being complex and diverse.
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