The Take Back My Life Plan

The following seven items will help me to build my defenses against the catastrophic war I am in against my evil job. I'm taking it back to the bunker to regroup before busting out like GI Jane again. THEY WILL NOT TAKE ME DOWN! Hoora!

Exercise - 3x/week from 6am - 6:30am Strengthen my muscles to help alleviate my back pain.

Food - Eat a piece of fruit a day. Aim for at least one blanced meal a day with plenty of vegetables.

Sleep - Get at least 7 hours of sleep every night, which means I must be in the bed no later than 11pm.

Vitamens - I can't stand popping gigantic horse pills as I feel like one day I may die choking, but make it my aim to at least get a reasonable amount of B complex vitamens in me during the week.

Spirituality - Maintain my regular routinue (meetings, Bible reading, prayer) in addition to 1 session of the "deeper things" per week. Get back to working on my monthly fruit of the spirit and making at least the national average in the ministry.

Liesure and Recreation - Take the time to insert one thing that I enjoy into my schedule every work day like reading a blog, writing a blog, catching up with a friend, doing something nice for someone, attending an after work affair, etc.

BREATHE - In an effort to minimize these new anxiety attacks I've been having at work, I would like to practice some breathing techniques I've gotten wind of.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Defective

I walked in the house with a bad attitude yesterday. One of those teenage attitudes where you groan and pout as soon as your parents have the audacity to ask you to come here. I was insanely exhausted when I got home but was hungry enough to scavenger the refrigerator for food. While I did yell a 'hello' when I walked in the house, I was doing all I could to be quiet so as not to call the attention of my parents. All I wanted to do was put something in my stomach and then fall out. But...my dad called me. The attitude came out of the depths. My mom asked me what was wrong and I snapped back that I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. On my way to sleep, I felt bad. I haven't had an attitude like that in years. At 26 years of age, you're no longer allowed to have those.

My mojo is gone. All the soundness that I once had is on empty. And I do feel like I could be going temporarily insane. Nothing gargantuan has happened to lead me to this conclusion, but I'm pretty sure my diagnosis is correct. All the little things in life that I usually have together feel out of place. Now...I'm going to list some of these things. They may seem small to you but remember, I'm a woman. Nothing is too small to notice. For one, my nails are a mess. Granted, I have clear polish on so no one can tell without a microscopic stare, but the uneveness of my right thumb and pointer finger nails are driving me crazy. Ladies, you know that once your nail is jagged, it gets caught on e-ve-ry-thing. Threads in your clothes, scrapes on your skin, etc. If I mark my body one more time on this stupid nail, I'm going to scream. And THEN, can you believe I'm walking around with a crack in my white toe nail polish on my big toe? [insert movie shreaking shrill here] Blasphemy! It's summer time. If anything has to be on point, it must be the toes. So...one might ask, 'well jac. why don't you just get your nails done?' [insert blank stare here] That's a very good question that I can't seem to answer. Temporary insanity I tell ya. In my defense, I can tell you that I have no time, nor can I find my nail files. My room is in post tornado form. But yet, every night, I push things to the side and leave it for another day. I lost the caps to my lenses. I've been meaning to write down the specifications of my lenses so I can order new ones, but yet, it hasn't been done. Remember all that paperwork that I was supposed to take care of? I can't even tell you which one of my bags those papers are in. The U.S. Department of Commerce has requested that I fill out this 82 question survery that is overdue. I believe I got a second notification last week, but I haven't really gotten to the stack of mail that's sitting on the trunk in my room. Did you know that I hate unpacking? Hence the suitcase full of clothes that I took with me to New Orleans is still sitting there - in my sister's room though, because there's no room in mind. I need to get my center dash unit replaced in my car. I sorely want it fixed, but of course that hasn't been done either. Not to mention that Missy needs a thorough detail. In an effort to get my mind right this morning, I rode to the metro in silence. I was making a left hand turn out of my development when I heard a noise like a pebble rolling and then hitting a wall. I made another left and heard it again. After the next right I wanted to scream, but instead I just silently mouthed "Oh, come on!"

There are more things I could enumerate but the issue isn't about the things. One good or two good slow weekends will do wonders for me. It's about what's happening to me to make me feel so dag on ineffective. I'm completely out of wack. I'm Defective! Mentally (insanity), physically (my back is killing me all the time now), and emotionally (the attitude). I thought that maybe I was partaking of too much leisure time, but then I began to re-think that. I work my butt off. If I can't have a couple of hours on Saturday and a concert on Sunday, then I don't know what I'm going to do. I actually need a break in my week. After three days of tearing my hair out, I have to have a pardon in order to make it through the last two days. What I'm really concerned about though is my back. I'm having a hard time finding comfortable ways to sit at my desk and on the train. When I'm on the train, I get the most comfort by sitting diagonally or taking up two seats, so whenever someone wants to sit by me, I get irritated. Lol. Do you see the cycle that I'm in?! I need a spa appointment for a deep tissue massage asap. I think that'll give me some temporary relief as my instinct is telling me that it's all stress.

I've been unable to write. I haven't seen SYTYCD for the last past two weeks. I'm paying for a Netflix service that I haven't been able to use. I missed service and my Bible study. And now I'm defective.

How can I simplify? Jehovah is a God of order, and so am I. Well, I'm not a god, as apparent as that is right now, but I'm a woman who needs order. This disarray that I'm in will hurt me and my relationships if I don't fix it fast. I'm not trying to have attitudes or miss out on things because of turmoil. Due to outside forces, I'm not going to be able to make any immediate changes in my circumstances. So for now, I have to find a way. My first reaction is to just figure it all out. Alone. But I know that.... mmmm... I don't know... See! I can't even bring myself to say that I can't do it all alone. I feel like all I need to do is to write out a schedule and make it happen. But the sense in me tells me that I should ask for assistance. But assistance doing what? I don't even know where to begin. Assistance in cleaning my room? Come on. No one knows where my stuff goes but me. So how do I manage? Because right now, it's all about managing with what I have. And how long will it take me to become sound again? Because I kinda need this to happen right away. Or else, I will give up. And that's unacceptable.

Cue Kelis - I Like You

Like You - Kelis

"I don't just like you/ I like you like you"

It's been a long time people! How ya been? Me? I'm hanging in there. Work is a serious drag, but overall, life is good. I still have a smile on my face. Wanna know why?!!! Well I'm going to tell you why. I can attribute much of this cute and endearing smile to a new growing interest in my life. And no, thew new growing interest is not photography, writing, a new pottery class, pet grooming, the new travel interest group, the insect collectors team, or whatever I've managed to fill my life with since I decided to become the busiest woman in the world. It's finally a man! Yep!A real and actual human being! Go figure! It's super new but I'm having a LOT of fun. I didn't expect to be 'Caught Up' as Usher puts it, but I really like this feeling. Aren't beginnings always so beautiful? <3 I think what I find so unique about this new growing interest of mine is that it's so convenient. I've never really known what it's like to date someone who has the same plans as I. Location wise that is. Well, in every area actually, but location wise sticks out to me the most because I've always dated people who were not from my city. There's no threat of someone moving or any worry about who's going to make the biggest compromise or change their life the most. There are no 'huge' issues to work out. It's simple. Simplicity at it's best in fact. We even live right down the street from one another. And anyone who knows me knows that I've NEVER had that before. We ride the same train to work, go to the same place of worship and can easily bump into each other whenever we want. How nice! I can literally see him every single day if I choose. No schedule issues, no meet-me-at-this-central-place-between-the-minutes-of-5:15pm-and-5:22pm-on-Tuesday-the-10th-or-I-have-to-run-to-my-next-encounter-and-won't-be-able-to-see-until-the-weekend. No more sucky situations! I like it a lot. I've seen him every single day for the past 7 days. And these have been ordinary, non-vacation days too. I've never done that before with anyone I've dated. Now I'm not this crazy, keep-my-eye-on-you, wanna-be-stuck-under-you-every-day type of girl either. So don't get me wrong. He wants to see me just as much, if not more than I want to see him. It's actually pretty crazy how this is all going down. Within the last 7 days, we've probably gone from a level 2 to a level 6. I'm a lot more comfortable around him now. The comfort level isn't to the point yet where I don't mind him seeing me at my worst, but it's getting there! My feeling and looking like a hot mess times will come soon I'm sure. The man is so incredibly sweet it's fantastic. Guess what he said to me today. We were talking about a particular subject and I asked him was there anything else he wanted to know/say. He said, "nothing more other than just letting you know that ur everything i could ever ask for." Now let's just pause on that for a second and let it marinate. Every time I re-read that, I get all warm and fuzzy inside. Hooray for the warm and fuzzies! I love getting to know this guy. He's so vivid and happy all of the time. It could be that he's gung ho for me, but nevertheless, he keeps me upbeat when I could be otherwise. Work is really hard for me, so his energy is priceless right now. It helps to cancel out all the crap I go through at this place. I'm a serious woman so his youthfulness is also right on time for me. Two serious people don't really fit well together as I've learned. He's goofy too, which I thought I would get sick of, but it's balanced well with his drive, determination and spiritual side. He's also not as much of a square as I thought he was. There are some things that he needs to reel back more than me! It all goes to show just how much you don't know people when you're looking at them from the surface. That's the mistake I made when he was nothing more than just the corny guy who smiles at me all the time. I could easily tell how deep he was, but I was sure he didn't have an ounce of relaxation in him. After he pronounced his undying love for me... ok not really... he forced me to open my eyes. I'm glad he told me how he felt about me. It was after that day that I began to see him. Now what I see is nothing but a tall, dark and handsome chocolate bar especially churned, milked, and packaged just for me. The j.a.c. special. I know that Jehovah made this man for me. I'm looking forward to growing with him. It's interesting that now that an actual real future with him can be imminent, I'm nervous about it. All that husband and children talk that I used to spit all the time... yeah. It doesn't even touch my lips anymore. Remember how I said that I feel like I was put on this earth to be a wife and a mother? Well now I wonder whether I'll be a good wife or not and whether my body can handle having babies. Lol. One area that I worry about in particular is this cooking thing. I am soooooooooooo not a food person. He, on the other hand, is eating every 2 hours. Talk about greedy! I've never had to burn like that because the only person's stomach I've ever had to take care of is my own. My own tiny fist-sized stomach. But I guess if I decide that I love the man, my love for him will propel me to taking care of his stomach as well. But you best believe that he's going to have to burn as well! If he wants ALLL of this food, he's going to have to help himself more times than he realizes. Boy am I glad he's lived on his own for a while. He's learned to cook his own meals, which will come in handy if I marry him. And yes, we have talked about marriage. Neither one of us is trying to learn each other for no reason. I'm not some body's boo. I'm some one's future wife. We're not playing games. If we're not looking towards marriage than I don't know what we'd be doing. He says he sees me as his wife and can't wait to wear a big chain around his neck that says JAC's HUSBAND, so all is said and done. The only thing we have to do is fall (or walk) in love. You think that's backwards huh? Well not to me. If the foundation is there... the chemistry, the qualities, the goals, the values... then we can build on everything else within time. Love will come. It always does. It's inevitable. Especially considering how much time we spend with one another. And I already know who's going to say it first once we get there. =) But that's pretty important to me. Saying it only when you know that you know that you know that you know. Once you admit that you love someone, the floodgates are doubly open. But I believe that this is about to be one heck of a roller coaster. I'm excited for it. And I'm going to soak it all in. This beginning part is so lovely, as beginnings are, so I'm treasuring each moment of it. I'll keep you posted ladies and gentleman, but this one just might be the one!

I Love Jay-Z

Maxwell - "Pretty Wings"

New Orleans Here I Come!

What am I thinking? I leave on Wednesday! Why am I acting like I have no where to go and nothing to do. If Jenn didn't call me today and mention that we would be laying bikini clad in the sun next weekend, I would have been out staring at the clouds. There's just so much to do! My weekend is crammed like a fat kid in a size zero. I need to schedule some appointments quick. Hair, mani/pedi, grooming. You know a lady gotta be extra fly in hot New Orleans. I have NO IDEA what I'm wearing. I have this one mini skirt that you better believe I'm going to rock. But other than that...*shrugs shoulders*. It'll all come together. That's a lot of clothes though. 5 days worth. And I'll definitely have more than one fit for each day. Good thing I just did laundry.

Did Michael Jackson just die?

The Ministry

I just had the most awesome conversation with my co-worker. We went to get coffee (in my case, chai latte) at Starbucks and talked about everything from my latest career decision, to how to measure success, to fear of death, to the purpose of the JW ministry, to the paradise. He was especially impressed with my sense of peace and spiritual stance in life. When I told him that I sometimes feel behind in life, he told me that that's impossible considering that my understanding and grasp of life is way ahead of anybody that he knows. Not to be big-headed but when he said that, I had to agree with him. Understanding my purpose in life, which ultimately gives me peace, does indeed put me in a different place. I was a little sad for him as he talked about how finite death was and how he doesn't have anything to put faith in but himself. Hopefully I'll be able to give him some of my peace of mind soon. ;-)

I'm way above the national average this month which is fantastic for me. I think if I can get one long day in a month like I did this month, I'll be set. Going on the Pere's family study with my dad was cool too. Those little kids are so eager to learn it's amazing. The young boy asked, "so is it too late to change from being bad?" Awwwwwwwwwww! No baby. It's never too late! Be still my heart.

The co-worker who sits directly in front of me is super excited about the message she's receiving in her church. She has this great passion for God's word and has expressed the desire to take a discipleship class in order to learn how to teach from the Bible. She's really eager to learn more about God which is incredible. We've also talked about speaking in tongues. I told her that I was going to do my research on that and share with her what I find. That should be a good convo. In general though, I love that she loves God. I think I'm going to tell her that and help her to pull out more ways to show that she loves God.

It's cool putting my focus on the ministry. I love it when people connect with Jehovah. It's a cool thing to see, especially when I had a hand in it.

Je l'aime - I Love It

I stole my sister's Haapers Bazaar this morning. I couldn't tear myself away from it. I was completely obsessed with each fashion spread, each trend, and each photographed present. I'm not consumed with fashion. I'm fixated on the art of fashion. Put a fashion magazine in front of me and I will devour it. I will study the thing from cover to cover memorizing textures, shapes, moods, personalities, and shilouettes of clothes, shoes and accessories. It's not a game to me. Nothing is more natural to me than understanding and connecting with fashion.

Hibernation

I totally didn't notice the vibe of my last 4 or 5 blogs until R.C. said something. "I gotta get you out cupcake." Yeah you do R. Please save me.

It's painfully clear that I'm struggling. I'm trying to keep it together but I occasionally find that my vision is blurry from slight moistness. Nooooo, they're not tears. It's called ummm....moistness. Yes, moistness! And that's what I'm claiming. I don't even notice when it's coming, the moistness. It kind of just...shows up. Out of nowhere too! But the reason behind the moistness is that I think the stress in my life is at an all time high. Better yet, I'm 110% overwhelmed. That's what it is. 110% overwhelmed-ness. I'm always fine in the mornings, but by the time 7pm rolls around, I look and feel like I'm clawing my way up a mountain just to get into my car and drive myself home. I don't even listen to music on the way home anymore. When I turn my car on after work, the stereo is usually blaring from the morning's high. But as soon as I can move my hand towards the on/off button, I'm happy for the silence. Everything in my life right now is hard. Work is the epitome of hard. My commute is getting hard. Even this new situation I'm in is hard. There is no fun in any of it. It's all so serious and exhausting. What ever happened to easy, light, airy, fun and uncomplicated?

Because I could not quiet my mind on the train this evening, I wrote down a few thoughts. Two pages worth to be specific. What I've decided to do... is hibernate. I am going to hibernate to restore my peace and get my much needed energy back. I don't care about what anyone wants, expects, needs or has to have from me. Before I go postal, I need to take care of me. And that means putting back a little fun in my life. So here's the plan. While in hibernation, I plan to return to the renaissance J that I am and do the things that excite me. Reading, photography, writing, etc. You guys know that already. While I can't get away from work, I will find a way to insert slices of heaven into my groove to keep me alive and well. That'll be a challenge, but it has to be done. I'm going on a much needed vacation in 13 days with my dear JennWill, and I plan to use every second of every day either relaxing or having fun. I might just leave my phone off the entire time (and of course check in with the fam every once in a while). Separation from everything back home WILL BE KEY.

So here's to holding on for a little bit longer. Hibernate and then release.