Ran-dumb Thoughts

Good morning...
It's been awhile.
But I wanted to check in.
Say hi to the world.
See how everyone is doing.
Life's been good.
No complaints really.
My allergies are getting aggressive.
That's new for me.

What's on my mind?
Shopping honestly.
I paid off my credit cards last month.
Even though I have one more loan to payoff...
I thought I'd be able to have a 'me' party.
You know.
Shop a little.
Congratulate myself.
I worked hard to get rid of my credit cards.
But as soon as that was done...
Replace the hvac AND the water heater.
So ever since what I thought would be mine is now gone...
I've been thinking about the shopping I could have done.
I haven't bought a pair of jeans in FOREVER.
I need at least 3 new pairs.
A camel coat is desirable in prep for the fall.
A pair of black pumps.
Can you believe I don't own a pair of black pumps?
A black pencil skirt.
Something else basic that I don't own.
For real for real, I need all the basics.
A leather jacket.
Some white t-shirts.
A black blazer.
Black cigarette trousers.
Black, white, nude and gray camis.
I basically need to ground my wardrobe.

I'm in a transition period as far as my photography is concerned.
I looked a my photos one day and all of a sudden hated them all.
My photos are 1-dimensional.
There's no emotion in them.
So I'm on a journey.
I need to book some photo shoots after I figure out what type of day I want to shoot.
September will be the perfect month for shooting.

I am feenin and I mean FEENIN for a trip to Cali.
I'd love to go soon.
Let's see what flights are looking like.
Gotta connect with hubby to see when our money will be right.
Cali in the winter would be perfect.

Duty calls.
Later peeps.

Ran-dumb Thoughts

Ignore me. I'm just getting my thoughts out. If you decide to read on, I may sound like a crazy person. So be warned.

I'm on a design-high
There's so much I want to do
But I must get rid of this credit card
I think I'm just going to do it
Transfer from savings and pay it off
Then I'll be free!
I'll use the money I put on pay off plan back into my savings
There
Done
Now what's first?
Powder room.
I need to do a storyboard to gather my thoughts
I also need a chair for my office
And a bulletin board so I can pin up inspiration
Bulletin Board
Chair
New sink fixtures
White paint
Vintage or wood light fixture
Big frame
My black and white art
Clear shelf
Rug for floor
Has anyone ever seen a small rug in a powder room
I want one
If people can have rugs around their toilets, I can have a rug
A black and white rug
Then after that is the fence
While we're saving for that, I will change out all my art
I'm sick of the happy colorful cookie cutter art I have
the 'Be Calm and...' poster
Over it
Then comes the living room
I want to move my furniture around
And get a new rug
Maybe an ottoman instead of the nesting tables
I like to put my feet up too much
A white ottoman
Or something light in color
Or leather!
Gotta make a careful choice
Ok, duty calls
List has been started and thoughts are cleared
Progress

Today's Thoughts

Artistic Thoughts
For the visual arts. Photography. Paining. Designing. Sometimes it's better to not have a plan, just go. Natural. Capture real life. Organic. Instinctual. Raw. No Fear. Attack. It's not always perfect and still looks beautiful. That's what sets the art apart.

Dog Thoughts
My dog is super attached to me. He's acting funny. I think I'm giving off a special chemistry.

New Life Thoughts
I love my life right now. What I fear most about having a baby if that ever were to happen is the massive extent to which my life will change. I don't want to lose anything I love in order to gain a child. "Just because you become a mother, it doesn't mean you lose who you are." I will stand by this philosophy if I'm ever in that situation. "You can have your child and still have fun and still be sexy and still have dreams..."

Novelty Thoughts
Novelty is good. It's great in regards to music and relationships. That's when your interest is at its highest. When the novelty wears off, so does your interest. The way to remedy that declining eventuality is to minimize your exposure. Take it a little at a time. Then your interest will last longer.

Personal Development Thoughts
If I had 4 walls, I have one more to tear down. I enjoy being all things. Mature, Fun, Intelligent, Down-to-earth, etc. But there's one more... That's the major difference between the old me and this me. I am so many things at once. Crawling into all secret facets of myself is revealing. Comfortable in my skin. It's peaceful being complex and diverse.

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

I haven't blogged in a while
I feel like I've been away somewhere
But I haven't
I'm extremely antsy
I can't seem to settle down
I notice it when I'm trying to find something to listen to in the car
Station change
Nope
Station change
Nope
Station change
I don't want to hear that
There doesn't seem to be anything happening on the radio
Nothing intriguing
Or maybe I'm just bored
Either way, I'm antsy
I miss Jennifer
I was talking to my mom about girlfriends
And I've learned that my definition of a friend...
...is one who will never talk bad about you.
I have a nice group of girls that I hang out with
But only a few of them would never talk bad about me
I don't think there's anything particularly bad to say about me though
I try not to get on anyone's nerves
Or be shady
Or act big headed
Or be untrustworthy
But Jennifer
She would never bad mouth me to someone else
Or talk about me behind my back
That's a true friend
She's too far away
I haven't been back to LA since the day I said goodbye
It's been way too long
I have work to do that I don't want to do
An ad hoc analysis that is so messy I could care less anymore
The data to start with was messy
So nothing ties
But oh well
They should collect better data next time
I have a photo shoot coming up
Not a picture taking one
But one where I am the subject
I'm excited about it
MJ is in it too
I enjoy taking fully produced shoots with my partner
I haven't been eating much
Having $10 to my name makes that a reality
I get paid tomorrow though so the forced-upon-me-fast will be over
Being sick last week didn't help either
No dairy
Ugh
I miss cereal and yogurt
And that seem to be all that we have in the house
I'm addicted to salt
These pretzel rods that they bought for the office kitchen
Gosh
I look at them like a full meal at Olive Garden
That's my favorite chain restaurant by the way
What else is up?
I'm bored
I need a trip or something
Gotta check and see what Living Social and Groupon have
I've been married for 3 years now
Seems like nothing number wise
The legite number is 5
After 5, then I think I'll won't feel like a newbie anymore
Sometimes I trip out about the fact that I am going to be with him...
...for the rest of my life.
God willing, that's a lot of years
With the same person
Oh well though
What's going on for Memorial Day weekend?
I have not ner plan
Well there's a bridal shower
But what a perfect time to go to the beach
Let me get on this living social app
I needs some excitement in my life

Ran-dumb Thoughts

I slept so hard last night
I wish I could have this draining effect that my period has on me most nights
Without the period
Being a light sleeper is the worst now that I'm married
Period week
This is the week where I give up
I could care less about the important things
I did manage to do laundry last night/this morning, and unpack a bag that's been sitting on the floor for 2 weeks now
I had a slight case of frenzy
I could feel the chemical imbalance.
Work isn't happening today
I'm here, but I already know it's going to be a lazy/unproductive day
This 4 day work week has been the longest ever
My stomach is bothering me
Nina Simone is pouring from the speakers of my iPhone
She makes me feel cultured
With her musky voice
It's interesting how many people have sampled her music
So what's up with this A$AP Rocky person?
Do I really need to get on board?
Beyonce links to his album on her blog
JT's 'Suit and Tie' song...LOVE
Prince's 'Screwdriver' song...LOVE
That man is the king of rock and roll.
Back to A$AP
Why must these rappers all look like this?
Scrawny, teenager with homemade plaits in his head
Is this the look we're going for?
Why can't we present ourselves a bit better?
Dudes can just do whatever they want in the game
Females on the other hand need complete image/look overhauls
It's dead in here
The VP is in Albany
The manager is working from home
The co-worker is wading through hundreds of emails after being away on travel
It's the perfect day for Netflix
Or to explore new music
I got a bonus
It'll be in my paycheck tomorrow
The government will take a big bite out of it
I've probably spent 90% of it already on my pillows
I want to go clothes shopping
Weddings, assemblies, conventions
I have outfits to buy
Rachel Roy, Asos, Zara
It's so funny though
I put in effort but feel so regular
Vanity is like the wind

Ran-Dumb Thoughts (Special Edition)

I'm struggling
I think I'm getting sick
And marriage has been incredibly hard
It's internally hard
There's not a day that goes by where I'm not fighting myself
Fighting not to say something
Fighting not to nag
Fighting to do what's unnatural
Fighting to be upbuilding
Fighting to remember what the Bible says to do
This morning, there was a serious war in my brain
Do I push him to get up since he's late?
Will he think I'm nagging?
Is there a way I can say it nicely?
Just don't say anything at all
He's grown
He knows what time he needs to be at work
But wouldn't it be considered helpful?
Looking out for his best interest?
Especially since he has to leave on time today
That means he'll have to stay late one day
I hate it when he stays late
Is it my job to make him a better man?
Yes
No
Just shutup J
Seriously
That's what I did this morning while trying to snuggle into him
For 15 minutes straight
Every single minute that I'm around him seems to be like that
A constant battle
Cannons and rifles and knifes
Shots and screams and explosions
That's how I feel internally
And when I say it's like that every single minute I'm around him
I'M NOT LYING
My mind moves a mile a minute
It's tiring
And when he reads this
I wonder if he'll use it against me
Will my super active mind come up in discussion
Or even an argument
I'm trying to be the best me
Which is why it moves like that
Trying to think before I act
Find the right course
Find the path of least resistance
I want to do the right thing
Cause the least amount of stress as possible
I want to be the best me
But maybe the best 'me' is not stress free?
But I've begun to question whether it's 'me' he wants
Perhaps he doesn't like my natural 'me'
So how do I be 'me'
I want to be his buddy
I want to be his roll dog
I want us to have each other's backs
I want us to be close
But in reality
I'm his wife
And not in a good way either
I think he sees me as his mate that tries to keep him in line
The nagging one
The strict one
The enforcer
I'd rather not be those things
I'd rather not have to nag
I'd rather not have to say 'Can you clean the...'
I wish the household tasks where like a robotic machine
All wheels, rivets and gears did what they should do without word
I don't know
It's hard to be a wife
To have this craving for a man
And to be the backbone of the house
And to be the backbone of the man
To encourage
To be chill
To be fun
To be sweet
To sex
To cook
To clean
I have so many roles
So many support function
I feel like I'm juggling 10 balls
And not doing a very good job of it
I'm not balancing them all correctly
And that's why he doesn't like 'me'
Every day is a constant struggle
We're not as close as we used to be
And it breaks my heart
But I can't say anything
Because I'm just drunk off love
I'm extra
I'm over and above
He says love is not like that
He rolls his eyes or laughs
Or worse
Gets sad
Then I made him sad
I'm not being encouraging
I'm not lifting him up
I failed as a wife
What it is to be a wife
I had no idea
I have to be everything
And I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing
I'm trying to smile
Trying to be 'cool'
Trying to be 'fun'
Whatever he wants me to be
I want to be it all for him
Because I crave him
I need to touch him
Feel his heat
Hold his hand
I love it when he lays his hand on me in bed
He probably thinks its nothing
And it means nothing to him
But for me it's everything
It begins fills the gaping hole I have to feel 'in love'
It makes me feel like he recognizes me
It makes me feel like he appreciates how hard I'm working
How much I DON'T say
I know that's not what he's thinking
But I like to imagine
To remember the single moments when he touches me
I don't know why I'm crying
I'm overwhelmed by life I guess
I wonder if he'll ever be into me like he was
Or will I always feel like something on his to do list
Will he ever again take my face in his hands and say something beautiful
Will he ever nervously wonder if I'll be with him forever
Will he ever again think I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him
Or is all that a distant memory?
I want us to be solid
'Solid as a rock'
But I feel we're fighting to hold on
Fighting for peace
And it's with this fight that I'm pressing forward with
At the same time though...
I'm struggling

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

My favorite day of the week. Friday. There will always be something about this day. No matter how long or work-ish it is, it's still a good day.

i hate my car
so much
i used to love Missy
but everytime the fuse box comes loose
or the CD button falls
or the cap on the end of my seat gets separated
i want to toss her away
and for that very reason I figured out what I want to do with my money
pay off my credit cards
and save up for a down payment
forget about the brighter winter wardrobe
forget about appliances for the house
forget about everything
i want a car
that is my number 2 priority after paying down debt
i'm almost done with my AmEx though
i'll be under a thousand with another paycheck
and then i'll take my third check of the month and put a grand on my Citi
these 2 credit cards WILL be conquered!
i need new glasses
when i drive in the dark, i see nothing but sparkles and glares
all the headlights and stoplights
it's bad
i feel like my mother
"i can't drive past 8pm!"
i guess i hate my glasses too
i thought about something last night
since my license plate is connected to my old address...
...where would a speeding ticket go?
not saying I am getting any
but I really don't know
i have a pretty heavy foot and I'm surprised I haven't received any
it's like the calm before the storm
or maybe I just don't have any
hubby was in a bad mood this morning
i had so much to tell him too
but the 'hey booper!' attitude wasn't there
he needs his space
what else?
i need to look at my budget again and see about this ski trip
my good friends are going
so naturally it'll be fun
i've never skied or snowboarded either
i've been wanting to do that for a while
i'm trying to figure out something else to talk about
not ready for work yet
i got a lot done yesterday
i feel like i deserve a break
working hard two days in a row?!
naaaaaaah
i'ma focus on one thing today
that's as much as i can do
i want to go to the movies so bad
i'm feenin for a good movie
there are no love stories in the theatre now
i want to see something romantic
something that touches my heart
my co-worker said to rent The English Patient
anyone seen that?
my eyes are getting heavy
we had a nap room at The Washington Post
shouldn't every office have a nap room?
it would only be fair
i'm getting better with my prayers
sometimes when i pray, my mind drifts
but i've been staying focused
it also helps when i write my prayers down
that's what i told my Bible study to do
she doesn't pray at all
she feels like Jehovah won't listen to her
lots of people have been there
including me
she only needs to start and work in harmony with her prayers
my manager has been working from home all week
it was so nice
why couldn't he close out the week and work from home today?
sigh
to work i go

Ran-dumb Thoughts

i'm so tired i want to cry
my eyelashes hurt
my body hurts
i'm emotional
good thing i'm the only one at work today
i couldn't take too much
i might even leave early
true signs of pms

i have my old school pandora station on
remember kut klose?
"i like the way you tease me"
now public announcement is on
these old school R&B songs help me
i revert back to childhood
into days when things were easier
case's "happily ever after"
that song makes me feel i can breathe again
i will forever have a love affair with that song
i had it on repeat on my cassette tape for the longest
and the video...
i'm still in a trance over it
it's the perfect visual
i always wished i could be her
i still wish i could be her

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

I got this Rick Ross/Nas playlist in my ear from Day2Day's site.
I feel like I shouldn't be listening to this.
What happened to all the censored versions?
I just wanted to get a little taste of what Rick's album sounds like.
Time to change.
Back to my random playlist on my phone.
And it's R.Kelly's TP2.
Is this much better?
Not really.
Next.
Beyonce's "Countdown".
Eh.
I need to switch out my iTunes music.
I'm trying to act like I'm doing work.
But I'm not.
Got my blog window real small in the corner.
The work window is front and center.
Mondays are such a waste.
Work on Monday shouldn't be allowed.
I can never get anything done on a Monday.
I have to remember to do the text today.
I wonder if hubby is grouting the tile right now.
I can't wait to put the finishing touches on the room.
It's a pretty masculine bathroom.
But that's fine by me.
He can have it.
Gotta throw 1 or 2 cushy bathroom accents in.
My hair is so much better now that it's re-braided.
The other people in Largo did a wack job.
It is a little suspicious it only took 3 hours.
I'm excited for my faux wedding shoot.
Someone on fb went crazy over MJ and my pics.
She said we should take more photos together.
I agree.
But I like candid natural photos.
Hubby likes to get into his stance and pose.
He's so serious on the model tip.
I don't think I've ever seen him relax and laugh for the camera.
We gotta stop this structured statue stuff.
I'm feeling the urge to take some photos.
Happy summery ones.
Yo.
Have you seen Ne-Yo's 'Lazy Love' video?
Whoa.
That's all I'ma say about it.
Why did I just think of that?
Oh, this Joe song playin in my earbuds.
With his freaky self.
Let's see.
I think it's vacation time.
A long weekend kind of vacation.
Where can we go?
What does Living Social have to offer?
Hmm, Orlando sounds nice.
What's the weather in Orlando during November?
4 days and 3 nights.
Why did I just think about the move Ace Ventura?
Ran-Dumb for real.

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

Today is the memorial of Christ's death.
I'm glad I will be a part of the commemoration.
To pay homage to what Jesus did for me.
I can't wait to get through this work day.
There's so much to do.
I keep getting project after project.
All these ad-hoc analyses.
I'm trying not to tire out and take it in stride.
I'd rather be doing this than what I was doing before.
This is 10x better.
I'm officially off birth control.
Yeah, you know what that means.
I'm freaking out and anxious in a good way at the same time.
I'll keep you posted on any developments.
Check back in a few months or so.
I feel like I'm in the middle of a phase.
Almost two years in a marriage with a new house.
Still learning each other and displaying a bit of wisdom in our dealings with one another.
Thank goodness it's more wisdom than just learning.
I like applying the lessons I've learned for a peaceful home.
It makes a big difference.
I need to break my journal out.
I miss writing my deepest thoughts down.
I've been writing them in this notepad here at work but that's dangerous.
Who knows what cleaning lady has been going through my stuff.
But what would I talk about?
I'm out of the 'learning myself' phase.
I'm out of the 'marriage is hard' phase.
I know what I can write about.
The closer we are to actually having a baby, I think more about the quiet times we have.
I think I want to chronicle the just-me-and-him times.
Tues night, MJ and I feel asleep at 8:30 just talking to each other.
I woke up in his arms.
It was nice.
Being able to handle yard work and wash cars without watching out for a toddler...
Coming home from work and relaxing a bit before heading to the meeting...
Not cooking every single day...
But I'm ready for the challenge.
I have the best partner in the world to tackle it with.
I'm so blah today.
I worked straight from 9 to 5 yesterday.
Didn't look at any of my blogs.
Today I'll tone it down a bit.
Don't feel like being on grind mode.
I need to tend to my mood.
I just finished painting my toe nails before I started this blog.
The morning time at work is the best time to paint nails.
Especially since I'm the first one here.
I just looked down at my Boutique9 heels.
I love the Boutique9 line.
I tend to flock to that subset of Nine West shoes.
Got Pandora on.
Wonder what Joss & Main will look like today.
Makes no difference.
I can't spend any money.
I'm dropping $700 on a credit card tomorrow.
Bought my rug on my cc.
Need to pay that off right away.
What's on the calendar for this month?
A going away party.
A bridal shower in Hampton, VA.
MJ and my cherry blossom, happy hour cruise
Our housewarming.
Ok, it's internet surfing time.
Happy Memorial people.

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

I cried this morning while watching The Today Show.
An elementary school girl was surprised by her father.
He just arrived home from Afghanistan.
She cried, so I cried.
War tears families apart.
How anyone can support such a machine is beyond me.
There is nothing positive or loving about war.
People argue that God was involved in wars.
So because Jehovah backed his people through victory...
That means Jehovah approves of war?
Jehovah will provide support for anyone lifting up His name.
He protected the Israelites as they were His people.
He assured victory because He made a covenant.
He assured victory because He loved His faithful people.
God is love.
Wars over money, greed, nationalism, etc have nothing to do with God.
I hate war.

I got real tired all of a sudden.
Maybe I'm just more disappointed.
But I'll snap out of it.
I need to get to work.
Go hard.
Get some things done.
Put on a happy face!
The circuit overseer is in town this week!
I look forward to meeting him.
Getting some good spiritual adjustment will be good.
I'm ready to make new spiritual goals.
They're probably going to be the same goals as last year.
I can't totally get the fist together.
The fist are the 5 fingers that sustain my spirituality.
Attending weekly meetings, the ministry.
Prayer, daily Bible reading.
Personal study.
Why the last 3 are so hard for me, I'm not sure.
So once again, I got to get on it.

I have 15 minutes until my first meeting of the day.
I don't even want to count out how many meetings I have today.
That would be overwhelming.
Instead, I'll just take the day 1 minute at a time.
Destiny's Child's "Emotions" is playing.
I miss them as a group.
But that ship is long gone.
We haven't heard/seen Bey yet since she had the baby.
I wonder if she's still just as enamored.
Or are mommy duties getting tiring.
One thing I like about her is her good attitude.
She's always positive.
Chick can be one of the most hated in the game.
But still, she's always straight.
Her outlook on life is inspiring.
Always focus on the blessings right?
Now Boyz II Men "Water Runs Dry" is on.
What's up with all the slow songs?
NEXT.
Pandora had to slip in a commercial of course.
Speaking of commercials, I can't wait for the Superbowl.
We got invited over someone's house from our new congregation.
I already feel loved and included.
That's awesome.
Fantasia's "When I See U"...
I love this song.
"Something now is taking over meeee!"
Yes!
I still remember when my sis lip sang this song.
"You're so sexy boy!"
She was hilarious.
Why we made each other lip sink songs alludes me at this point...
Lol.
Sisterly things.
Is it lip sing or lip sinK?
Oh, it's lip sync.
Thanks google.
Alright, I'ma sign out while Chris Brown bangs in my ears.
He always pumps me up.
Come on Chris!

Good day everyone!

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

Ugh. My uterus hurts.

4 more days and I'm done. Alabama is calling my name. I can't wait to see my parents and be with them while we explore their newly built house. The memories are going to stack on top of each another. When I get back to work, it'll be reporting time so stress is inevitable. Inasmuch, I'm going to milk this mini-vacation for all it's worth. I hope the days go by as slow as possible.

There's nothing really going on in my part of the world. Just waiting and sitting and sitting and waiting. My life is about to change for the better I think and I'm interesting to see where this fork in the road will take my family. There's so much ahead of us. Challenges and good times. I'm not prepared for any of it, but that's how life goes isn't it? I'm very anxious/nervous about it all, to be honest. If I think about it deeply enough for my insecurities to unveil themselves though, I wonder if I'm strong enough to handle a growing family and the responsibilities of a house. I've been dreaming about it for so long. I've been preparing my mind by imagining how I would take on certain issues and by making resolves ahead of time. But who knows. I want to be the woman my mother was when she was living in a house with two children and a husband who was sleeping away at a firehouse every 4 days. I want to succeed like the rest of the older women I know. I want to be strong, like a superwoman.

Ode to Linkin Park

"You will pay for what you've done!"
Your time has come to be eraaaaaaaaased!"
Linkin Park is screaming for me.
What I want to do, they're doing it for me.
Relate. Relax. Release.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Is it me or is it you?
I need a release.
"Let me apologize for what I'm about to say."
I need to get away.
Ever have the urge for recklessness?Mindless behavior void of common sense?
I want to forget about my promise.
"Water crate through the windows."
"The levies have broken."
I'm in urgent need of a dam.
It needs to be held back.
Find my center.
Control.

Morning's Ran-Dumb Thoughts

I need a break and I just got started
We're supposed to move to Rosslyn
I wonder where I report to tomorrow
My stomach is killing me
This is going to be a tough menstrual situation
It couldn't happen at a worse time
Bachelorette events are tonight
Rehearsal is tomorrow
Wedding events start at 7am Sat
I need an energy boost
I plan on keeping my head low
Possibly keeping music in my ears
I'm going to walk slowly to and from everything
No stress
I'm happy little sis is getting married though
She needs a husband
That 'chile couldn't be on her own if paid $1M
I did my nails last night but the color is too pale
You can't tell I have anything on
They're pretty though
They look shaped and buffed
I have a hair appointment tonight too
I wonder if Pooh is stressed
Weddings are stressful
Everyone just wants them to be married already
I understand
Once we get past this, we're done
Oooo, cramps!
Hubby is home with a broken down back
I wish I could take care of him today
Actually, I just wish I could be in the bed right now
I think every woman should have off on her first menstral day
It's not fair
"Cuz I know I saw you go into a motel"
Tweet is playing in my headphones
She needs to make another album
"You can save your song and dance"
I love this song
What am I wearing tonight?
I don't even think I have club attire anymore
Ooh, here's my song
"My eyes have never seen someone so beautiful"
"You're the first thought of each day"
"You move through me"
"I can get caught up when I see you!"
Ugh!
This was one of those repeat songs
I could close my eyes right now and swim in this song
Anyway, I'm checking out for now
Ciao

Ran-dumb Thoughts

I'm sitting here watching Iron Man with him.
But I've seen it so many times.
Only half interested.
Saw 'The Adjustment Bureau' Friday night.
Best movie I've seen in a while.
It had me thinking.
I even got a good conversation out of it with him.
A deep one.
A pivotal one.
I've been quite irritated lately.
Just not in the mood to laugh and joke around.
Nothing's particularly wrong.
Just in a mood.
I mentioned that I think one of my friends might be depressed.
He asked me if she has a heavy conscious about anything.
It's funny he went there first.
He said it'll keep you unhappy every single time.
I guess he's right.
Job hunting is the same.
Tired of 'updating' that.
It'll stay the same until it's not.
When it's not, you'll know.
I just gotta find my faith that everything is going to be ok.
I wish my parents were down the street.
I could use a visit to 2001 this evening.
Hang out in front of the tv.
Eat some home cooked food.
Get a break from my house.
The information on singleness hit me.
For the simple fact that I could be single in a second.
Unforeseen occurrences happen.
Anyway, days are just days.
But I'm looking forward to my trip in May.
It'll be a break.
I don't think I'm every truly satisfied though.
Days are always just days.
No matter whether I'm working or not.
This life truly sucks.
Things will be so much better in paradise if I make it.

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

Every woman has a breaking point ya'll.
I love this Keri Hilson song.
Can't wait til her album drops.
I'm feeling pretty good today.
I look fly too.
That always helps.
I'm looking forward to the long weekend.
Don't have anything extraordinary planned.
Just gonna drop in on a wedding down in VA.
I think I'm going to wear the same dress I wore to my meet & greet althought the bride saw it already.
I really can't be concerned.
That's the only dress I have for a wedding.
My hubby said we would be married before these two that are getting married this weekend.
He was right.
I never thought we were going to get married when we did.
There were so many struggles at that time.
So it's true.
I have too much time on my heads.
I dag on near hyper-ventilated yesterday thinking too hard.
Sitting around, reading articles and imagining relationship issues that we don't have.
The thing is that I like reading articles on stuff that relates to me.
Black female/male relationships.
But when I have too much time on my hands, I begin to internalize and take on stuff.
Anyway, I get paid today!
At least I SHOULD get paid today.
This joint is bootleg.
My gas light is on, so I NEEDS to get paid today.
I should be starting classes soon.
I wonder why PGCC hasn't sent me anything yet.
I almost forget I start classes in a minute.
OMG
I just spent a few minutes talking to one of the new girls here.
She just put me ON.
Check out her best friend's photography site.
http://www.sevanphotography.com/
This is so how I would do it!
I love strong beautiful A-American presence.
She's surely not afraid to be who she is.
I can already tell from the site.
Alright.
I'm officially inspired.
See what a few minutes of getting to know someone can do?
Yes!!!

Mood: Blah

I want to keep my nose down. I'ma keep nice and quiet and do what I'm told to do. That's it. There's too much weird stuff going around to get involved. I don't even want to know. If something crazy looks like it's going down, I'm just going to look the other way. Office politics are too much for me. People get fired every month in this piece. As long as I get a check, I'm straight. (Let's see how long I can believe this.) I'm interested in job hunting again. It takes FOREVER to find a job so even though I'm not ready to leave my current position, I'd like to begin the search.

I tried to have a conversation with a younger friend about a decision I had to make. It didn't go over so well. I tried to explain my priorities and loyalties to my husband but I have a feeling she didn't really get it. I'm only interested in making decisions that are for the betterment of my family. Do you really have to be married to understand certain that? I thought it was given that in marriage your husband should come first when it comes to certain things, but maybe not. Lesson learned...

Philippians 4:8. That's all I'm trying to do now-a-days. Consider things that are true, of serious concern, righteous, chaste, lovable, well spoken of and praiseworthy. I feel like I'm tempted everyday to talk about someone or to get involved in things I should touch. My prayer is to stay grounded and rooted in the Bible. I pray to conquer all bad feelings and exchanges with love.

I'm extremely excited about my convention. I can't wait until July 15th. My husband and I will be on our way to a spiritual paradise. I can't imagine anything better than being at a spiritual feeding with the man that I love. I mean, it was great as well when I was single, but imagine how much better this time will be! I've prayed and prayed and prayed for a man who I could serve Jehovah with. Well I found him and I'm going to appreciate every moment of it that I have.

Speaking of my husband, he has another interview tomorrow. We should probably go over some ideas tonight. He got a hint to be forward thinking so we'll think of some key points before tomorrow. I'm excited for him though.

That Sky Is The Limit beat just came on. Biggie and 112. Smh. Good music. This is Cheri Dennis' version of the song. I wonder what happened to her. Oh.... Diddy happened to her. Case closed. We need more good music. I'm tired of the crap that's on the radio. It doesn't mean anything. "Music is supposed to inspire", said Lauryn Hill. Remember when rap meant something? As gangsta as it was, Pac's music still meant something. This stuff now-a-days is just bafoonery. I want something that I can listen to and feel deep within, that I can think about and have to listen to a few times before understanding it. Maybe I'm asking for too much.

This 98 degree weather would be perfect if I was by a body of water. A cool breeze on a hot day is what melting is all about. I want to melt. I want to go to my secret spot by the water. There's a lot to do this weekend though.

Alright. I'm going to do some Bible study. My temperament is a little out of wack. I need some soothing vibes. Lata.

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

Ok.
It's time.
It's 9:59am.
My husband is walking into the interview of his life.
Oh goodness.
Hmm.
Why am I nervous?!
We studied.
I tested him.
We re-tested.
He'll be fine.
I wonder how he's feeling right now.
Is he confident?
Is he walking tall?
Is he smiling?
OMG!
It's TEN O'CLOCK!
Woooo saaaaaa.
Now all I have to do is wait.
Gosh I hope he does fine.
We worked for it.
I don't understand how he couldn't be fine.
We worked for this.
I wonder what he's saying right now.
They're probably doing a little small talk.
Or maybe they're giving him his first question right now.
I hope that his heart isn't beating out of his chest.
It's always when you're heart beats out of your chest that you feel the most nervous.
I prayed for a calm to come over him.
I prayed for Jehovah's holy spirit to be with him.
*Deep breath*.
I wish I could be a fly on the wall.
At least for the first 10 minutes.
After 10 minutes of observation, I can know whether he has it in the bag or not.
Oh man I love that man.
Not matter whether he gets the job or not, I'm proud of him.
He's so smart.
They'd be a fool to pass him up.
It'll be their loss.
And I know that they know that.
I really believe that he'll get the job.
It's 10:08.
I have another 52 minutes to go.
And probably more.
What should I do while I wait?
I need to be distracted.
I'll watch a show on my laptop.
(I spelled it right babe!)
It's 10:09 now.
I wish I could be with him and hold his hand!
Ok, let me stop.
Woman up J.
Let's get it together.
Distractions here I come.

Ran-dumb Thoughts

It's 3 something in the morning and I'm wide awake

Went through facebook

Stalking on other people's lives

I need to take more pics for my profile's sake

Stomach is making all sorts of noises

When I'm menstruating, it all goes down

The orchestra in my belly is tuning up

Been over a decade but I'll never get used to this

Had my first wives club outing

All of us sitting at happy hour with rings on our fingers

Never hung with my-aged brides before

Talking about life, husbands, plans, and love

Summer clothes are unpacked and ready to hang

Good thing I lived in LA and invested in cute dresses

Being broke ain't no joke when a new season rolls around

The new flirty 2010 wear will have to wait

I want to wake him up right now just because

He's probably snoring his way into ecstasy

Once he's out, he doesn't wake up

How will it be to sleep next to him for life?

I want to hear more about year one marriage

They say the first is the hardest

Is that why no one talks about it?

Where's all the counsel, advice and wisdom?

Have you heard the commercials?

The ones about Essure?

Permanent birth control without cutting?

Now THIS is genius!

Am I nervous about marriage?

Heck yes, especially there's no way to prepare

Sure you can sharpen the tools in your box - communication, love

But in this case, experience is the best teacher

Feeling Good Feeling Great

Got Common in the ear.
"And they say Chi City"
La la la la laaaaa
Wow. This is the first time I've had a real minute to blog at work in...
I don't know how long.
My time here is FINALLY winding down.
Thank Jehovah!
They're going to miss me when I'm gone.
Ha ha!
I have no idea what's going happen when I leave here
But Jehovah's got my back
No worries until I start worrying. =)
Ironically, I studied about how not to worry this morning.
Life is going to be good nonetheless folks
I believe that
I have control over this
That's got to be my new theme song
CONTROL!
Yeah Janet!
I've been pretty fragile
But umm...
That's not me.
At least it wasn't previously
So yeah.
CONTROL!
"I walked in the crib, got two kids, and my baby mama late
Uh Oh, Uh Oh, Uh Oh"
This Common record is great
Be
This music is great
Can you believe that I finished the last planner that I will ever have to do in my life
Can you see me smiling?
If not, the grin goes from ear to ear son.
Lol.
Why do some of these phrases have periods and others don't?
I'm just happy
Happy to be alive
Writing
Ending this job
Listening to Common
Can't wait to get home and chill
I did some personal study this morning so I may or may not do more tonight
We'll see how I feel
Wow, I haven't checked American Idol in two weeks
I need to catch up
Anyway, feel good feeling great!