Thursday, August 31, 2006
Click on the article to see a bigger version.
How far we women have come... It's interesting to see this and compare it to today's good wife. I wonder what a good wife is. Fellas? Any opinions on that one? Don't hurt me ladies, but I do think that many of these points are probably things that should be done. I mean "Be happy to see him", "catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction", "show sincerity in your desire to please him", "make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit"... now of course that last one should be for yourself as well. I mean if you really love your husband wouldn't those things come natural? Now some of those points are complete bull. "Never complain if he's out late...", "remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours", "don't ask him questions about his actions"... please. You have got to be kidding me.
I think this article ignores the line between being a good wife and a complete push over. Then again, this is a direct sign of those times when women didn't work outside of the home. Maybe it was most appropriate to behave like this. I don't know. But come to think of it, this may be a racial thing as well. The person who sent me this article is African-American and she wrote, "I was 9 when this article was written. And based on my upbringing my mother didn't get a chance to read this (or maybe she just ignored it)..." Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think this would have been upheld in black people's houses as much as it would in white people's houses.
But anyway, interesting read.
Regardless of size or circumstance, an animal you would like to own as a pet? I don't want any pets. If I have a family one day, and the kids want a pet, I can compromise...but to own one on my own right now... no thanks. I can't take care of anyone but myself right now. I'd probably kill the dag on thing with neglect if I had a pet right now.
Your lucky number? I don't have a lucky number but I've always thought that the number 4 was a pretty number. What's a pretty number? I don't know!! It's just pretty!
A city you would like to visit? I want to say someplace exotic but right now I really just want to get to France and England to visit Paris and London. Why? I dont' know. It's just been a long-term goal.
Your favorite meal? Oh boy. I hate this question. Anyone who knows me knows I can't answer this. I could care less about food. And yes! I DO eat!!! Now leave me alone!!
The film you would watch over and over? The Best Man. I just watched it yesterday. I love Terrence Howard in that movie. Everytime I see him play that role I get something new out of the movie. He made that movie man!
An actor whose perfomances you admire: I have a couple. Julia Roberts. Nia Long. Sandra Bullock. Terrence Howard. I'm sure there are more that I just can't think of right now. I'm not into Halle or Denzel or any of those Oscar-rated actors. Halle's crazy, by the way. Just in case you didn't know.
Your motto: "A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man should have to seek Him in order to find her."
Your cologne or perfume: Narcisco Rodriguez.
On your wall hangs: A picture of Egypt.
Most expensive possession: besides my car is my CD collection. I would fall into a serious depression if anything ever happened to my CD collection.
Material possessions are: Eh... They're just there. It's great to have them though! Especially shoes!!!!!!!
Three things you would save if your house was burning: are my handbag that hopefully already has my wallet, phone, and keys in it, my labtop, and all of my journals and photo albums. I know that's four! So what?
The appropriate age for having sex: is whatever age you get married.
As an adult have you ever hit a woman? Oh yeah. I punched the living daylights out this broad that tried to strip me of my brown alligator stilletos last week! j/k!
The minimum punishment for those who rape should be: up to Jehovah God.
The minimum punishment for those who molest children should be: same answer as the question above
Your opinion of the military: Do you realize what kind of country, or rather, what kind of world we would live in if there was no military? Of course I'm assuming that would mean no war as well. Man! A beginning step towards peace!
Your opinion of the draft: I try to stay as far away from politics, war, governments, drafts, military, etc as possible. No need to get involved in all of that.
The farthest place you would travel to be with someone you desire? I would go anywhere if I truly desired a person enough. However, if I'm not happy in that place, I might try to get that person to think about relocating. I mean, I'll always go, but that doesn't mean I'll stay.
The farthest place you have traveled to be with someone you desire? I've never done that before. Oh well, I'm lying. Freshman year of college, I sat on a train for an insane amount of hours to visit my bf of the time in Pittsburgh. NY to Pitt is a crazy long trip by train ya'll!!!!
What you dislike most about having a committed relationship: Hmm... that's a hard one. I don't think there's anything I dislike about a committed relationship. It's ideal!
What you enjoy most about having a committed relationship: Wow. EVERYTHING! A bond, a friendship, the affection, the love, the care, the passion, the energy between the two, the self-less concern, etc.
An unfulfilled sexual fantasy: Someone asked me that a while ago, and I'm going to say the same thing I said then. I've never really thought about it so i can't tell you. If I do have a fantasy that I haven't come to terms with yet, I'll know when it's fulfilled.
If you had more time alone: You would have to commit me to the looney house. I have entirely too much time to myself as it is.
(credit to wun_knight)
North Carolina - Raleigh, Durham
Georgia - Atlanta
Florida - Miami, Tampa
Alabama - Huntsville
I either want to live somewhere cosmopolitan or cultural and young.
The Raleigh Durham area is filled with young people simply because of the number of colleges and universities in the area. There's plenty of artistic, young-minded, zealous people in that area. Chapel Hill and Duke are two college I could see myself attending for my masters.
Atlanta is the city that I've always seen myself in, but if there's one thing about the ATL that I'm opposed, to besides the ignorant, close-minded black people (sorry, had to say it), it's the traffic! I swear, I will have road rage in a minute down there. I used to commute from Upland, CA to Long Beach, CA everyday and I thought I was going to die. So I KNOW communiting in ATL is going to have me behind bars. I have a heavy foot and I WILL cut you off so I don't do well in traffic. I want to go to Emory University though. It seems like the perfect school for me. So is Atlanta the place for me?
Miami... This is a new idea that my mom just put in my head. I'm not really a clubbin-every-weekend, celebrity-hunting person so I could care less about the reputation. I've never been to the MIA but everyone says that they could see me there. What school would I go to down there? University of Miami? I don't think Florida State and the Univ of Fl are in Miami. I don't even know if I would want to attend those schools.
There are a lot of entrepreneurial opportunities in Huntsville. For some reason, it's the next up and coming city in the south and a lot of companies are moving into the area. The real estate market is really good down there too. Unfortunately there aren't any places for me to really be a 24 year old african-american woman. Know what I mean? It's quite slow down there. I'm sure I could use that opportunity to create an environment for young ones like myself, but that's a challenge. Am I up for that? But I don't think there are any business schools down there for me.
I need help ya'll. My lease runs out in January. Am I moving or signing another six month lease? What to do!? What to do?!
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
I'm single because I haven't met anyone that has just...done it for me... you know? I mean I guess I just need certain things in a man in order for him to DO IT for me. So it's a little bit of a list but I don't think I'm a Sanaa Lathan. In terms of appearance, I've basically let go of the tall dark and handsome thing so as to not be so close-minded, but I'm a tall lady, so I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want a 5'11" and up man standing beside me. It's funny though because all the guys in my life except for one, have been my height, which means I always towered above them when I wore heels. In addition to the height thing, you HAVE to come with a sense of style. I'm big on my style. I love to dress, so he has to as well. He doesn't have to to dress like a GQ model, but he has to open-minded to branching out into other things besides a t-shirt. You know what? As a matter of fact, NO more white tees! If you're going to the gym or chillin in the house or wearing one with your sweatsuit, fine, but otherwise, please grow up! (Ooh goodness. Is this a list?!) The other important thing that he has to be is spiritual. I think that comes above everything else. If he's spiritual and he serves that same God I do, everything else will fall into place. How he treats me, how he maintains his household, how he feels about responsibility, how he shows his care, how he supports my dreams, etc... it will all be there. And humility will be there. I'm really big about humble men. I've met too many cocky big headed men in my life. I like a quiet man. A quiet, laid-back man, but one that commands attention. Hov comes to mind when I say that. And last but not least, I would like him to be financially stable - meaning have a good job. It would be a pleasant surprise if he was pursuing something in line with his goals and aspirations. But that's not a must. It's a wonderful bonus, but not a must. Just as long as he HAS goals and aspirations we're cool. I just pray that I meet someone who's in the same mindset and has similar values as I do. I just want to connect with someone. OOhhhh! And PLEASE LOVE MUSIC!!! If I can't lay down with you and experience the passion of a song or feel an old school joint with you, then I don't know what to say. Music is too big a part of my life for my mate not to get it.
So is that a list? Isn't that what everyone wants? I mean, it's not the IBM list is it? I once heard that what everyone has to decide is what they can live without because no person is perfect. No man can have EVERYTHING.
I just went back into an old journal that listed the top ten things that I want in a man. Here's the list that I wrote on April 22, 2005.
6. financially sound
10. good looking/attractive/stylish/athletic
lol. My number 10 is funny but it's so true. Now what could I live without? Hmm... I can let go of 'intelligent'. I mean he doesn't have to have an Ivy League education, but he has to be able to speak AND write. As a matter of fact, a man that can write turns me on. =/ I don't know what else I can let go! Well I assume that if I'm talking to him in the first place that he's mature, humorous, and intelligent. I don't know how I could carry on a conversation with him if he wasn't. My list isn't a good one. Some of those things should already be understood. I need to bump some of that stuff off. I'm honestly not trying to just make room for new ones and make this a little easier for myself. I'm just saying, some of that stuff should be obvious! lol. Ok. Here's my new list.
7. a communicator and a thinker
8. a music/arts lover
That's better right?
Boy, I feel like I'm digging my own grave. Hopefully my mom wasn't right. At the end of the day though, I just want to be in love with someone that I have an amazing connection to. I want to have a true friendship with this man. I want to be best friends. I want it to be unlike anything that anyone else could understand. I kinda want it to be our little secret. You know what I mean?
I just have to get out of CA. LA men are just not my style! No offense to all the LA men who are reading this. He he!
I think I need to be honest and say that I truly truly truly enjoy sensual music. It's funny because I used to be afraid of the more comfortable, sexual side of me. I was raised very conservative and very sheltered. I was taught to always be a lady, to keep my legs closed, and to be very well-mannered. Religion has always been the centerpiece of my life so sexuality, sensuality, and provocative-ness was never discussed. (And I don't know that I even wanted it to be discussed, for real for real. I mean what type of discussion would that have been? And who would I have had it with? My parents?!! Ummm..... NO.) But considering the way I grew up, I never realized that I was allowed to have a sexual side. The urges and feelings that I started to have as a young women were often forced aside because I always thought they were improper. Thanks goodness I'm over that because I LOVE the sexual side of me. Now I definitely don't let her (Jazmyne) come out very often and I probably won't let her come out in full until I meet my future husband. In the meantime, I'll continue to be that good girl that everyone knows and feed Jaz in my private time. Now when I say feed Jaz, I'm not talking about masturbation ya'll. Get your heads out of the gutter! I'm talking about making those mix CDs that you don't share with anyone and playing them in a dark room lit with only candlelight. I know you know what I'm talking about...
So as a near 24 year old African-American female, I am glad that I have come to learn to embrace every part of myself. Sensual, Professional, Spiritual, Peaceful, Fun, Loving, Goofy, Friendly... I'm all of it.
Ashanti's CD will definitely be one for Jaz's entertainment.
And I hope I don't sound too conceited saying this but my future husband will be a very happy man. I have so much to give and that's no joke.
But anyway, this post is not to praise Be. As of lately, I've been VERY disappointed with her. It seems as if her head has blown out of proportion to her body. Who told her it was ok put out some of the CRAP that she's been releasing? If you haven't had the chance, please listen to the mess that has come out of her studios and agree with me. (Well, nevermind... I was going to lead you to the link to hear her sampler, but it the music was taken down. You can still read the comments on the tracks though. Here's another post. And another.)
Please, someone tell me why the girl thought it was ok to make an album in two weeks. Why would you want to make an album in two weeks?!!!!! Who said that you had to be first Be? Are we in a rush? Are you nervous or something? What other singer out there are you trying to beat? I was kinda upset with you when you pre-released your album on the same day that LeToya's album came out. Be, you know no one else can touch you so...whatcha doin girl? Listen to this b.s. and tell me that it's not incredibly poor quality. The music is fresh though. I'll give you that. But where are your lyrics Be? "So all my redbones get on the floor! And all my yellowbones get on the floor! And all my brownbones get on the floor! Then ya mix it up and ya call it Creole!" What's going on?!!!!!! "Bad bad bad bad yellowbone!" "For all of my brownbones that make a good broth. And all of my redbones that make up the sauce. The yellowbone flavor is familiar to me! Mix it all together. It's a delicacy!" OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! What are you doing?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's called QUALITY!!!
I want to cry because she's so much more than this. You know what it is? I love Be, or rather, I loved Be because she was about her craft and she was humble. But this crap makes me feel like she doesn't care. She knows that her album is going to sell just because of who she is and she's not putting in the effort. I mean you did this mess in 2 weeks! Where's the quality? That's not fair Be. That's so not fair.
So will I be buying the album. =/ *sigh* What do you think? Damn you Beyonce'!!!!!
I'ma hold on to you for a minute though Be because I know your tour is going to be crazy. The minute you get back on the stage, I'm back in your corner. But for now...you suck.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
My stomach hurts. I feel nauseous. It's seems as if I have butterflies but why? It's a feeling that comes and goes.
I wonder what the future has in store. I so wish I could get a glimpse into what my life will be like in 5 years. Will I have a child? What will be my favorite CD? What hairstyle will I rock? What state will I be in? What time will I wake up everyday? Will Missy still be my ride? What will my daily activities be? If an interviewer asked me where do you see yourself in 5 years, I'll have to come up with a large bathtub of b.s. because I have NO idea what will be. Everything is so open...so up in the air...so not grounded.
I went to San Francisco for the first time this past weekend. Now I could live there. I love that city. It was so me. I would move there tomorrow if I had the finances because I surely have the guts.
One and a half more weeks of school. Oh my goodness! You don't know how happy I am to be done with this mess. It's so time to stop walking around with this chain and ball around my ankle.
If I had the money to dress like any celebrity, it would be Tracee Ellis Ross.
My favorite outfit is a large warm beige sweater and lotioned legs.
My dream home is a large open space with wood floors and two levels. I guess that's a loft huh? The top floor is just my bedroom and an office. The only closed in section I want to have is the guest bedroom on the main floor. The rest - the living room, the dining room, the kitchen, the whatever else - will be completely open with lots of natural light. I don't really think I want to live in a house. But I guess that might chance as time goes on and circumstances evolve.
I just got an email invitation to go on an excursion to Temecula, CA for a wine tasting, champangne reception and jazz concert. "I’ve probably told many of you already, but the excursion was simply divine. As a Wilson Creek Winery Wine Club Member, not only was I (and up to 3 friends) able to have 5 wine tastes for free, but we also were privy to a pre-concert champagne reception. The 1-hour long reception was complete with free flowing Almond Champagne (which is to die for!!!), huge sweet strawberries, dried mangoes and pears, and chocolate for dipping! Talk about a heavenly treat! " Mmmm.... I'm definitely in. That's just what I need right now. I can see it now. Sunglasses on, sunroof open, hair done, Dwele in the stereo...driving to Temecula with my girlfriend, ready to get spoiled.
What else should I do in CA before I begin my next journey? I've done San Francisco finally. I'm going to visit wine country. I've done enough of downtown LA and San Diego. I did Disneyland but I haven't done Universal Studios yet. I might need to do that. Oh! I need to do that infamous drive up the coast! I kinda did it while in Malibu but it's really hard to drive and look at the beauty that the coast has to offer at the same time. I want someone to drive while I watch the sun set along the coast. hmm... I kinda had all that mapped out when I had a bf, but he was too busy to do that for or with me. Don't know if that dream will get fullfilled the way I want it to..... So, another thing I need to do is go to the San Diego Zoo. I also begged the ex to take me there being that he lived in SD, but no such luck. I guess I could drive down one of these weekends and just do the Jendayi thing. How about the 9th or the 23rd Jen? Anything else I need to see/do to complete my CA experience? Cuz I can't leave until I do!
"Guys: A word of advice. Marry pretty women or ugly ones. Short ones or tall ones. Blondes or brunettes. Just, whatever you do, don't marry a woman with a career. Why? Because if many social scientists are to be believed, you run a higher risk of having a rocky marriage. While everyone knows that marriage can be stressful, recent studies have found professional women are more likely to get divorced, more likely to cheat, less likely to have children, and, if they do have kids, they are more likely to be unhappy about it. A recent study in Social Forces, a research journal, found that women--even those with a "feminist" outlook--are happier when their husband is the primary breadwinner." What is this? Are you serious? Here's the link to read on... Forbes.com - Careers and Marriage
Monday, August 28, 2006
like his hand on the small of my back guiding me through a crowd
like being posted up in line together with our hands in the back pockets of each other jeans
like someone brushing the hair out of my eyes while I watch tv
like pouring me a glass of wine and bringing it to me because he felt like I wanted one
like resting his hand on the inside of my thigh while he drives us down the street
like being able to say "baby did you need me for something?"
like sitting together with his arms around me and my legs crossed towards him
lke holding hands
like not being in the same room but feeling the other's prescence
like being watched with admiration
like him deciding to use me instead of his pillow
like him grabbing for me while getting comfortable for a nap
like us fixing each others clothes
like play fighting in the house and letting me win
like us pretending that we get on each others nerves but we really know we don't
like coming to one another first to talk about our days
like being in the movies with my legs thrown over his
like someone longing for my call when my flight touches down
like that phone call that's just to check up on me
like bringing home my favorite snack
like playing my favorite artist or song because my mood needs a readjustment
like being stupid and goofy together
like laughing together at things that no one else finds funny
those things along with nameless others get so lost in relationships. we do them all the time because most of are automatic. most of them come with concern and care for the other person. but it's these small things that show care and love. i don't miss bfs, relationships and all the work that comes along with it, but I do miss that good ole tender lovin care. =/ dag, i'm feeling vulnerable right now! it's this music man! usher's confessions is doing it to me! i need to put on something hard to man up! where is my T.I. cd at?!!!! man up jendayi!!!!!! you's a gangsta!!!! lol.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
And don't even talk to me about shoes. There's nothing you can say to me to help me through that. I have made progress though. I'm down to one (or two or three depending on the cost) new pairs of shoes a month. I just bought the baddest pair of brown boots the other day and I can't wait to continue my boot trend. I know it may be the dead of summer, but fall is right around the corner!!
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
I remember when I bought the album. I just started working and my company put me up in a hotel and gave me a rental car to help me get settled. It was a scary time, simply because I was new to the area and on my own for the very first time. I forced myself to go driving late one night so that I could get out of the hotel and become familiar with the area. For some reason, I was feeling very lost that night but the minute I found the Barnes and Nobles, I was comforted. I immediately walked to the music section and browsed through CDs for hours. Right before leaving, I came across the album you see pictured here and just looked at it. It was weird because that picture said everything that I felt. I felt like that could have been me standing there in that vast space in the middle of the night in a big city. So for the simple reason that I identified with the mood of that shot, I bought the CD. I went back to the hotel, put it in my labtop and let it play all the way through. I fell in love.
It's my no nonsense CD. The album I play from top to bottom without distraction. The CD I drive down the freeway with at night. It just has that mood. It makes me feel empowered and soft at the same time.
Teedra has a song called "Last Day" on the album where she talks about what she would do if it were her last day on earth. I was driving home last night from the movies while listening to this and I really couldn't figure out what I would do if it were MY last day on earth. I knew immediately who I would want to be with, but what I would want to do... I don't know. She mentions that she'd "spend the day with [her] angels at the beach, listening to the shore. That would be the way they'd remember [her]." That's a beautiful serene picture. One of my favorite places to be is on the beach at night. I love when the pitch dark surrounds me, yet I can feel miles and miles of open space in front of me. Another one of my favorite places is to be up high on the the tallest skyscraper overlooking city lights; kinda like Teedra's album cover. I love being close to the stars or feeling like they're existing only for me. I think that's how I want to get married. On the top of a building overlooking the city lights at night with candles intermingled around me. But anyway, I digress. What would I do if it were my last day on earth? Beats me. What would you do?
After I finished that math, I went to Long Beach Towne Center and took myself to see a couple of movies. Now I LOVE dance movies. I really can't get enough of them, but if I see one more dance movie likee this dag on 'Step Up' where the acting is sub-par, I think I'm going to scream. The acting, the script, the plot...it all sucked! I mean what's really going on? Why can't we give dancing movies the time of day? It makes me feel like dance isn't respected...like it doesn't deserve the attention that the art form commands. At least all the dancing on the part of the main characters wasn't fake. = / But that white boy is FINE! lol.
Now Miami Vice on the other hand...that movie was bomb. The cop jargon was a bit much at first but after getting accustomed, the movie took me to another place. The events were completely unexpected, which I loved. Of course, the acting was on point. If you haven't already, go see this movie.
But anyway, I ended up having a good close to my day, which is a big sigh of relief. It was rough at first but I have to always keep in mind that I'm blessed to be alive with friends and family that love me to death. My support system is extraordinary and I am so priviledged. I love you guys!
Monday, August 21, 2006
I'm going home.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
I'm very tired.
We went out last night and had an absolutely wonderful time dancing up a storm.
I don't think we've had that much fun in a long time.
Didn't get back in until 4am though.
So I guess you imagine why I'm tired.
4 hours of sleep.
I have Christina Aguilera's song "Save Me From Myself" on repeat.
It's an absolutely beautiful song.
I love it.
It makes me kinda sad though.
I'm eating breakfast while I type.
After I finish, I'll probably take myself to the park and do some reading.
I've been so nonchalant about school.
It's my last semester, my last month, my last two classes, so all my gusto is gone.
I just want to finish.
I was supposed to read an entire 300 page book for today, but that's not going to happen.
I'll just do the best I can.
Maybe run through the first 150, that is if I don't fall asleep.
The likelihood of my falling asleep in the park is very high though.
That also sounds kinda dangerous huh?
I need a guard while I'm out there cuz I so want to just lay out.
I need to finish cleaning, wash my hair and do laundry.
Ooh, these wonderful Sundays.
I'm so tired.
Just finished eating.
Gotta make moves.
Happy Sunday and rest of the week everyone.
Friday, August 18, 2006
and red nails
she enters the dimly lit bar.
Her stature and quiet confidence challenges
Not one person can avoid noticing.
The tenderness and broken heart
inside of her is hidden
under the red material that
hugs her curves.
Her green eyes
are all cried out and courage
drips from her fingers.
Oblivious to the attention she is calling
she turns around to look
in the mirror behind her
and re-apply the red lipstick
to her pout.
It's in the reflection that she
notices people staring.
Unphased she turns down her lipstick,
returns the cap
and checks her lips one last time.
"My lips hurt"
she thinks to herself.
In one sweeping motion
she turns around in place.
While turning however
a strand of curly hair falls into her eye.
In a magical way
she catches the eye of everyone
watching her in that second
and suddenly makes them uncomfortable.
She brushes her hair back up
and finally begins to stride across the floor.
Christina Aguilera Back to Basics
If this woman does not win a arm load of Grammy's, I'm going to die. This album gives me goosebumps. She has grown so much over the years and has impressed me with the amount of dedication an hard work that she has put into this album. She has truly matured. Creating an album with such a specific style is always hard because when you put it out there that you want the music to sound a certain way, you have to be very careful to keep it consistent. It's a challenge to avoid having a track go off into left field. When you choose to focus on the throwback jazz, blues and soul style that she's entertaining, EVERY track has to be on point.
Well, Christina put it down. That's all I have to say. When I listen to the album, I'm trascended to her world. Shoo! She makes ME dag on near wanna put on a Marilyn Monroe dress, some leapord print heels, and string of pearls. She makes me feel like a WOMAN! I can't wait to see her on stage. Christina gets 5+ stars from this here girl.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
I feel it's time to disclose how you make me feel inside
I tried to keep emotions hidden but I just can't hide
You make me feel like this could be the first day of my life
So I picked up the phone and dialed your number
My heart was racing I was ready to surrender
From this moment I knew that we would be much closer
But I couldn't reach you and it really made me wonder
Where are you?
I really need to talk to you
Where are you?
Before I lose the nerve for you
Where are you?
Boy this feeling is so new
Where are you?
And I want to share it with you
You better hurry - before this very night is through
I don't know how much longer I can really keep it cool
With every minute I am feeling like a silly fool
Why won't you call me so I can finally break the news
But you are not around so now I wonder
If this is real and should it be for you I hunger
I start to think and then I realize no longer
Can I sit here and dream of being your lover
Where are you?
I really need to talk to you
Where are you?
Before I lose the nerve for you
Where are you?
Boy this feeling is so new
Where are you?
And I want to share it with you
Don't you realize that if you don't call
Tomorrow I won't be able to say it all
It's right now that these feelings are so raw
If you miss out, I'm sorry, I'm gone
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Jendayi - meaning: give thanks. This is the girl you'll see at work or when you first meet me. Very professional and on point.
Jendi - nickname my mom gave to me so that slow people can have something to call me by when they struggle with the real name. It's also the name that my closest and oldest friends call me. This girl is very friendly, cool and laid back.
Jen - a family name. Only the immediate fam calls me this. This is the daughter and sister part of me. Probably the most natural personality of them all.
J - a club name. It's kinda hard to scream 'Jendayi' over the music, so this usually takes its place. This is usually that girl you see that glides by you in a club, walks to the bar to by herself a drink, or is doing her thing on the dance floor. A little sexy, a little bad. You might want to get to know her, but unfortunately it won't happen. J just can't meet people in the club. She's there to party and nothing else. I promise that she's tries to be nice.
Jazmyne or Jaz for short- one word to describe her: vixen. I had to create a whole separate name and alter ego for her so that I could disassociate myself from her whenever I do something bad. I used to be afraid of her, but I've learned to accept her. Not many people see her and I'd like to keep it that way. She's a bad B!
Asha - meaning: life. Not sure who this chick is. People seem to like using my middle name for some reason. To be honest, it's a little weird to answer to it, but whatever. You can make her whoever you want.
Get it? Got it? Good.
She whispered to the invisible force that had just swept over her, "How can you stay away so long? Many roses have died since you've been gone. Never leave me again."
Zuri stood up straight, dropped her hands to her side and smiled at herself. She picked up her right hand, flicked her shoulder-length pressed hair and walked out of the mirror's reflection.
I know that doesn’t help AT ALL…but I HAD to tell you that
I love you and take care"
OH MY GOODNESS T!!!! Why would you say that to me?
And then she sent this...
"don’t know I wanted you to know that…because its not just YOU…it is something bigger than both of US…GOD is trying his best to protect us…but today I got a feeling that the devil is working OVER TIME to get us…seriously…yeah you can blog it
I was in the bathroom and a feeling just came over me, like something is going to happen today, I don’t know when I don’t know what, but I have been in this place, space, and time before….and its NOT a good look"
I mean should I be scared!!! Later on she came back with this.
"When I started having those dreams…things around me started dying…a couple of people died, relationships started to die…just death all around…lost of job and income…ALL of that stuff started to happen when I started having those dreams….but I didn’t want to say that to you….because that is really DEEP…but that’s what happed to ME….because You and I are TWO totally different people…and yours could simply be that your spirit because of your happiness in Cali is dying…you feeling like you are suffocating out there….feel me?"
Dag. I really wasn't reading into the dream and actually never for a second though that it meant anything. I hear you T but are all dreams meant to be interpreted? Can you just have them and not think about them?
I had the weirdest night/morning. For whatever reason, I woke up at 4:00am on the nose. My body usually wakes me up around 6am, which is good just in case I ever forget to set my alarm, but when I looked at those bright neon letters on my table, I was shocked. What in the world?! So I got up and went to the bathroom and then came right back to bed. Of course it took me forever in a day to fall asleep. But when I finally fell asleep, I had the weirdest dream. I came home to find my roommate running down the stairs in a panic. She didn't say a word to me. She just ran right by me. So I ignored her and went to the apartment. When I got there, there was some strange looking man pacing around our door. I was weirded out by his presence, let alone the fact that he looked CRAZY! When his eyes made contact with mine, his eyes turned red and he asked me was that my apartment and what apartment number was it. Of course those were stupid questions because I had my keys in my hand ready to unlock the door and the apartment number was on the door. So I managed to get inside and lock the doors. I guess the crazy man went away at that time because later on he came back and took a picture of the door. I saw the flash go off from under the crack of the door. He went away again, which was when my roommate came back. She told me that some man was trying to kill her. That's when the man slid his entire body under the crack of the door! It was crazy! With a gun in his hand, he grabbed my roommates arm and started running down the stairs. I ran after them, screaming at my roommate because she was willingly going. So I grabbed her away from the man and ran back to our apartment. The man followed us and just as we made it to the apartment, he shot me in the head. And that's where the dream stopped.
What In The World!
So this morning, I hit the snooze button a total of five times instead of the normal two. That's not normal because I'm usually very good at getting out of bed. Needless to say I thought I was going to be late, but I didn't really care. No one ever notices or cares what time I walk in so I've gotten in the bad habit of coming in late. I'm usually only 20 minutes late though. It's not that bad. But anyway, as I was going about my morning, it took only a total of 15 minutes to get ready! I got dressed in like 2, which is definitely NOT normal. I looked at the clock when I was done the morning routine and was like "What in the world?! Did time just go backwards or something?" It was like the twilight zone.
And then while walking out my apartment, I almost tripped and fell down the stairs! What in the world?!! Oh my goodness that was scary. I hope no one saw.
So I'm kinda backwards today. A little weirded out. A little upside down. I need to realign!
I was just sitting here thinking which led to me search through one of my old journals for a little inspiration. I found that quote and immediately felt like I needed to write it down somewhere. I think I'm going to apply this to all situations in life, and basically man up. There's no need to be in fear of anything, especially when there's so many great lessons to learn in everything.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
I never want to see a piano, a cello, men in skirts, women in pants, or dancers without shoes at another flamenco performance.
While studying Spanish dance styles in college, I grew a passion for flamenco dance. It's raw-ness and passion latched on to me in a way that has forced me to attend every flamenco performance that comes to town. The flamenco style is a loud and intense dance that develops from emotions within and surfaces on the body. It is a very piercing and passionate dance that excudes masculinity from los bailaores (male performers) and grace from las bailaoras (the females). There's nothing weak about the music or the singing. The man's las palmas (hand claps) and characteristic strong choreograpy where the taconeo (footwork) are concerned, and the women's mastery of the large flamenco falda (skirt) and traditional Andalusian dress and manton (silk shawl with fringes) make flamenco what it is.
With that said, I was very disappointed in the fact that the choreographer directed her cast to wear clothes that were directly in contrast to the tradition. There is no doubt that she was making an artistic statement, however I felt that seeing los bailaores take on the challenge of the dress's train by wearing the custom skirt was a mockery of the dance style. It was like seeing Matthew Bourne's swan lake all over again. (For all the non-dancers, that's the all man version of swan lake.) I also do not care for las bailaoras to wear the pants in the relationship. The men of flamenco are the warriors, the heros, the powerful bullfighter...not the other way around.
Incorporating a classic instruments into a normally very rough and powerful musical style somewhat hurt my feelings. The piano and cello stripped away at the core of the dance. The instruments put out the fire that consumes flamenco dancing and it's dancers.
What I did love however where the transitions between dancers and the lighting. The transitions were so seemless that it was as if one dancer flowed into another. The light man did an excellent job portraying the mood of the choreographer.
(I haven't written a review since college. Man I miss this stuff.)
I was always good with money and budgets, but with the student loans, the car note, the insurance, the rent, and so on kicking in all at the same time, I learned very fast how to maintain my finances and keep a good credit standing. While I have a weakness for shopping, I learned to hold down my own and developed good discipline. I'm a very stubborn person, so asking anybody for help was not an option. That might be something that I have to work on for future reference, but I'm proud to say that I never really needed substantial help with money issues and I never relied on my parents.
Moving also afforded me the challenge of learning the difference between independence, lonliness and being alone. I've always been independent but never alone so adjusting to running around solo took a minute. (It's funny because I go everywhere alone now. As a matter of fact, I'm going to see 'New World Flamenco' at the Irvine Barclay Theatre today.) I'm not 100% sure when, but I do think that lonliness started to creep in there somewhere. I didn't have any friends, I recently broke up with my deepest love, and I was dealing with the idea that my family wasn't a hop, skip and a jump away. So as you might imagine, I went through every sorrowful emotion that a person could conjure up. I don't really remember how I did it, but I got through. Of course, good ole faithfuls, music and writing, played a huge part. I was also determined to not let my pain show on the outside so preoccupying myself with appearing "ok" helped. I've seen what depression can do to individuals so I knew that I couldn't let myself fall into that cycle. I also knew that it wasn't that serious and that no situation will ever be that bad. Nothing will ever take my shine.
I went through my shortest relationship ever within these two years as well. Even though the relationship only lastest 6 months, I learned more than I could have ever wanted to. It was a very painful one, so everything sort of kicked in high gear. It was certainly a crash course if I've ever had one. I learned what I want out of a relationship, what my limitations are, how to compromise, how to be a better girlfriend, how to let things go, etc... But the one thing I learned more than anything else was how to be strong. Of course, you're always taught not to let men take advantage of you and to respect you but you never realize how critical your reflexes have to be once a man mistreats you. If you let the first instance go by without saying anything, it only gets worse. I learned how to stick up for myself and to get out of a relationship that was costing my happiness.
The greatest blessing of this move would have to have been my spiritual growth. With the time I had to myself, I learned to rely on Jehovah. Being away from old influences and the pressure from my parents, I was able to make my own decisions. Decisions that came from my heart insteaf of outside forces.
I learned how to be a woman! I'm not quite sure what that means but I can definitely feel it. Well, maybe this is it: I know my personal style. I'm very aware of my feminine wiles. I'm in touch with my sexuality. I love my body. I love wearing heels and all the things that make me so girlie. I take pride in feminism. lol! I'm such a female and I love it! Coming from a time where I wore awkwardness like it was my only pair of jeans, I really appreciate the rites of passage. In retrospect, I'm glad I went through this passage the way I did. Being slow and goofy-looking protected me from things when I was younger. I only pray that my child is as nerdy and boney as I was! lol.
There are many other things I probably haven't tapped into yet, but those are the main lessons I've been through since 2004. It'll be time to say goodbye to California soon...which will be hard, but I'm grateful for my time here. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing.
Friday, August 11, 2006
CRAZY WILD!!! (That's after braids came out. lol.)
I've done it all. I actually didn't get this experimental with my hair until I moved out to California 2 years ago. I think it's something about moving away and being brand new that has me completely stepping out of myself like this. I've always either been a crimps, curls or fluffy-and-light hair (via the Dominicans in NY) person and while I still perfer those styles, it's nice to step outside of the box everyone once in a while.
Now the weave... I did it once, and I'll NEVER do that again. I had my one little opportunity to do it up for the formal ball, but that mess was entirely too much to handle AND to take out. I don't think my hair has ever been as messed up as it was after I got it cut out. Needless to say, after it came out, I spent a whole lot of time nourishing, feeding, and conditioning my hair. Thank goodness my mane grows like a weed.
But what brought this post on? you're probably asking. I'M GETTING MY HAIR DONE TODAY!!!! Normally that's not supposed to be a big thing, but I took a little hiatus from the hairdresser to save my $45 about 4 times over and let it just grow and do it's thing. Now that my hair has grown, it's time to cut it again. I'm so ready to get my hair off my back.
But look what I notice though. When my hair is long, I get SO much more attention than when my hair is short. I'm sure that's no surprise though. I guess it's the black man's fantasy with long hair. (Of course that goes for other races as well.) Not much else to say there...
But yes, going back to the normal J style.
I prefer this to all others because it's always classy. The Dominican's used to hook me up! I could walk down the block from my dorm, head straight to the bowl, get my hair washed and conditioned, run straight to the chair to get rolled, sit under the dryer, come back to the chair to get the curls blown out, and be out in the streets of NY all under 1 hour. Now you tell me what black salon can do that? The hairdresser I'm about to go to today, Salon Eberechi, will have me in there for about 3 and a half hours AT LEAST. Sigh... Such a waste of time. The good thing though is that I get A LOT of reading done. That is of course only if I'm not running my mouth.
But it's time...
Make me beautiful!!
Write down the first thing that comes to my mind
Just pure un-interrupted honest thoughts
Where I have to be real and raw
I'm not tired yet
It's 10:30 and I'm usually in bed by now
I gotta take my contacts out and wrap my hair
As soon as I lay my head down though I'll be out
We all know how that goes
Had a good day today
Not much to complain about besides my job
Well I won't complain cuz I'm blessed to have one
My manager sucks though
I should write about him in a post
I need some advice on that one
What else happened today
Got my car washed, picked up the dry cleaners
I feel like a grown a$$ woman man
Now I understand why my mom was so tired
I can’t even imagine doing all I have to do WITH kids right now
But I know once I have them, it’ll be a wrap
It’ll be ON LIKE POPCORN!!!!
Always got errunds and chores to do though
It's amazing that I'm living on my own
3,000 or however many miles away from the fam
Not only the fam, but everyone I love
It’s hard not having anyone here that loves you
Who will look out for you through like that
Got your back through whatever goes down
I know I keep saying this but there's nothing out here for me
LA is wack and I need to get back
Hey that rhymes!
I need to write a song
Haven't added to the lyrics in a while
I'm more of a poetry girl though
Q.Symm does need a few more songs to choose from
I love writing
What would I do without a pen and a piece of paper
Or a computer and a blog (lol)
Speaking of technology, my co-worker just bought that robot dog
Crazy I tell you
The world is becoming so impersonal
What happened to real life emotion and affection?
What are you going to do with a computerized censored metal dog?
Soon robots are going to take over the earth
Mark my words
Just like iRobot, we'll be walking around and talking to machines
Shoo, we already talk to machines!
"Say A Command"
"Did you say Mom?"
Ohh my eyes hurt
Have you ever wanted to be a star?
I know I have
The rush of performing...
I love to perform....
The stage is my home
Man I miss the stage
Dancing, singing, acting, whatever... I belong there
Maybe I should get back into ballroom dancing
Gotta find time for that though
I'm always so dag on busy, running around like I lost my mind
It's good to calm down and chill
Have a good conversation once in a while
I've been having great conversations lately
Well I'm not going to sice them up like that
They been aight (wink)
It's cool though to talk and not realize that hours have passed
Dag! I should have been doing my homework!
You know how many chapters I coulda read in this time?!
But you know what?
I needed that time?
How often do I put it down and just enjoy myself for a minute?
Everybody needs that time
Besides, the time I've spent has made me smile
And I like smiling
It's cool, real cool.
Well I been on this thang here for about 8 minutes
I'm sure ya'll are getting bored so I'ma sign this one off
Holla people of the world!!!
And Don’t Forget To Express Yourself!
trace my lips with your fingertip
feel the corners of my smile rise slightly
turn your mind into me and forget
ignore the sound of everything
fullfill the silence with sweet vibrations
empty your soul into mine
smell the dew of infatuation
watch my back arch in rhythm
view all my needs in the stars
make them come true with a kiss
explain your desires and circle my waist
call the winds to wrap us together
relax me until i can't touch the ground
clean away the implications of this life
encompass the charm i see in your eyes
taste a world of epiphanies in my touch
write how you feel on the small of my back
say nothing when everything can be said
teach me the elegance of your cool
wrap me in the backdrop of your warmth
know there is no other like me
respect the beauty in my statue
live like you dwell in my heart
Heed to my orders and we will explode.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Ok. I'm sitting here watching Access Granted for Diddy's new video "Come To Me" and I just had to get up and put my thoughts down about this man.
Diddy. You Are Some Straight H.A.M.!!!!! Why are you so freakin full of yourself?!! Who made you the king of the world?!!! I mean for real. What makes you say stuff like, "whenever she's in my area, which is the world, show her some respect". What?!!! Oh so it's your world huh? For real? Are you serious?! And what do you mean "See this neon! I'm the king of neon. I don't want to see neon in no body else's video." What???!!! What?!!! What?!!!! You have got to be kidding me!!! First of all, who wants to be the king of neon? Second of all, WHO ARE YOU?!!! And then you go and say some stuff like a lot of people talk the talk but don't walk the walk. I got the swagger and the secret to my success and swagger is God! Oh SHUT UP!!! PLEASE SHUT UP. Please Please PLEASE SHUT YOUR BUTTHOLE BECAUSE ALL OF THAT CRAP IS DEFINITELY COMING OUT OF YOUR BEHIND!!!!!
Oh he makes me so mad.
Oh and why did he give us a tour of his bus on Access Granted? I mean, you either do Cribs or you do Access Granted. You can't do both just to show us that you have a tv on the door of your bathroom so you can sit on the toilet and be stupid for a half an hour. You know what? You can't dance, your pants are entirely too tight, the song sucks, you are one of the worst rappers of all time and you definitely can't rhyme. And you say it feels good to be back? What you mean back? You still aint here! You gotta come with something to be back little boy!!!!!
He just makes me mad. I've never had this much hateration in me before but Diddy, excuse me, Sean Combs, just brings it out of me. (yeah that's right. I'ma call you the name your momma gave you. you aint gonna be changing names up on people and just expect them to accept what you say.)
Sean is a BAMMA!! Stay a business man and just shut the mess up in the meantime!!!
I'm sorry ya'll. You normally don't see me like this, but Sean just.... ughhhhh!!!
P.S. Oh and did you see Keyshia Cole's sister and friends fighting over the Italian and Ranch dressing!! Oh my goodness!
i want you
i need you in my life
can't you see what you mean to me
baby come hold me tight
i miss you
wanna kiss you
every time i see your face
baby i'll be waiting for you
each and every day
i love you
i want you
you're the one that i live for
and i can't take it anymore
i love you
i need you
what can i do to make you see
you're the only one for me
Remember that song? Yeah? I do too actually. The song brings back so many memories... Memories of being in love... Crazy, stupid in love... Not just any love but that unbelievable, deep, passionate stuff... The love that brings you to tears and voids out everyone and everything else existing in the world... You know what I'm talking about right?
Listening to this song though, brought a sad revelation. When I first played it, I was like "Awww!!!! I remember this song!!!" I actually called my ex all excited like and held up the phone to the stereo and said, "Remember this?!!" I let the chorus and first verse play, we exchanged a couple of "oh those were good times" comments, and then we hung up. When it ended, I played it again to truly listen to it, and I guess reminisce. I laid down to prepare myself for all the sweeping emotions I used to feel...
what's going on?
Why am I not feeling it like I used to?
What happened to what this song used to do to me?
Where are the tears?
Where's that heart-wrenching passion I used to feel?
I didn't feel a thing.
I couldn't feel all those lovely emotions that used seep through my pores. I couldn't tap into what this song used to do to me; how my heart used to pulse to its beat. I listened to the song over and over and over again (in fact, it's still on repeat now). I even closed my eyes to it and got right up on the stereo to feel the beat vibrate through my skin, but I still couldn't awaken those feelings I used to have.
It was such a good feeling!!!
Why can't I feel it?!!
What has happened to me?!!
You're no longer in love.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Well guess what?!
I had the day off Friday but I ended up going in during the morning hours to straighten a few issues out. I was a little disturbed that I was working on my day of rest, but whatever. Well after work, I had a Bible study and then I went to the park. Guys, I had such a good time in the park! I just laid in the sun next to the pond and read. For four hours I laid out there and was at complete peace. I watched the dogs, the birds, the kids running around the pond, the couple on their bicycles...It was wonderful.
Then while at the park, I get a text from my girl asking me if I wanted to go to an Angels baseball game! Now this was a big deal for me because not even 1 week ago was I trying to find some sporting event to attend. I just wanted to be around happy, crazy fans ya know? And I finally had the chance! Even though the Angels lost, it was a perfect end to my wonderful Friday. Oh and since when do you ever get a chance to go out on a Friday night AND be in the bed by 11pm!!!! Ha!!! MY DREAM COME TRUE!
Saturday I drove out to Malibu for another one of my girl's graduation. First of all, if anyone hasn't experienced the drive on the coast in Malibu, it's a definite must see. The views are breathtaking. But anyway, it was nice to be around a family and see that love and happiness that I haven't been able to be a part of with my real family. It felt good.
The drive in Malibu.
Then, I went to the beach. Oh the wonderful beach. Beach water? Oh no. That's a no-no... But the beach itself. (sigh...) Just to lay out in my swim suit with me and my book... (sigh again...)
Dockweiler Beach. LA.
After 3 hours of me and the beach, my girls joined me and we walked a little further down until we found the BlackNLA beach party. (That's what I initially came out for by the way, but it didn't start until 4pm.) But the beach party was SOO much fun!!!! From 4 to about 8:30 when they lit the bonfire, we just ate, drank, laughed, and talked. We had a great conversation with some very intelligent men about things couples should know about each other before they get married. It was VERY interesting indeed!! I remember one of the guys getting frustrated and shouting out, "MAN! MARRIAGE IS FOR WOMEN!!!" lol. We all cracked up at him on that one.. =) But there were so many black people out there ya'll. It's a beautiful thing when young (ages 22-35), black, educated people get together. I don't think I've EVER seen so many black peple on a beach before in my life!! Yeah it ends up being somewhat of a mac fest but socializing with young ones like yourself is so stimulating.
The discussion group.
So after that, we decided to keep the night cozy and just go to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles for some after-hours grub and call it a night. Again, I WENT OUT ON A SAT. NIGHT AND WAS IN THE BED BY 12PM!!! Yes!, I say. YES!!!! I feel like I've won a race!!! lol.
Thank you Jehovah for giving me exactly what I needed when I needed it. You never fail to take care of me when you realize that I'm down. As your servant, I loyally give my life to you forever.