The Ride of Our Lives

I said it once, I said it twice, I said it three times and I have to say it again. Has a song every captured your heart so obsessively that you write a blog about it every single time you hear it?

I gave love one more last time

Not what I expected, it was true perfection

Still I wasn’t sure you fit my rhyme

Like a poets letter streaming words together forever

Then you gave me life through a precious little girl

She changed my focus and helped me notice

That that’s what love is

I wanted it

You wanted it

We had to see

What this felt like

We wanted it

Once we got to it

We had a peek

Spending way more time

Somehow this feeling

Is kinda splendid

Once we start

We shifted into overdrive

What we both wanted

Now we both on it

The ride of our lives

I knew from the first glance, I was frozen

Fresh like a photo car on the show floor

Staring at perfection, gone in 60 seconds

Instant upgrade with this affection

As the passion rose like a speedometer

On the dashboard, I put my petal to the floor

I put it right there, and I floated right through your front door

That’s what the seat belt is for

I wanted it

You wanted it

We had to see

What this felt like

We wanted it

Once we got to it

We had a peek

Spending way more time

Somehow this feeling

Is kinda splendid

Once we start

We shifted into overdrive

What we both wanted

Now we both on it

The ride of our lives

Let’s take it to the next level

You made me rearrange my life for you

We never knew how special

And I know that’s it worth it, I know that it’s worth it

This life’s so incredible

Cuz I see the same look in that little girl’s eyes

We both make it work

We’re gonna make it work

Cuz I’ve earned the right to say this time

- Jon B.

This song makes me remember who I am and what I want and what my life is about. It re-centers me and helps me to find myself again. I can't explain it. It's like my light is dimmed. Certain parts of me are suppressed. My values and desires are compromised. And then, all of a sudden, I hear the twinkling intro and I remember who I am. This song is everything I want and has every sentiment I've ever dreamed of having in my life as a woman. It touches me over and over and over again. 

Love

Romance

Sweetness

Tenderness

Family

Children

Passion

Connection

Soul mate

Special

Femininity
Partnership
Companionship

Chemistry

Desire
Harmony

I feel all of this and more. This song means everything to me because it represents everything I ever wanted my life to be.

2013 in Review

UPDATE: I FORGOT TWO IMPORTANT THINGS!

I feel like I need to write a post about my year in review, but I can't remember half of what happened in 2013. It's all a blur. One year simply fades into the next. But from looking at my 2013 calendar, here's what I could compile about the year.

Bought a new car.
My husband sold his condo from the bachelor days.
I did a handful of photo shoots and interior design consultations for friends.
Had a great district convention.
Went to a couple of concerts.
Formally recognized myself as a photography and design consultant.
Signed up for the Regional Building Committee.
Adopted the most adorable puppy.
Designed and built a closet in one of the spare rooms.
Had a relaxing family reunion vacation.
Built a wonderful relationship with a new couple.
Participated in a few beautiful photo shoots with hubby.
Witnessed the release of a new Bible translation!
Went to CT and NY with my family.
Got out of jury duty.
Did some territory assist field service.
Traveled to San Francisco for work.
Went on a cruise to the Bahamas.
Partied and had dinners and outings with all kinds of friends.
Ended the year in Alabama with my family (grandfather, grandmother and uncle included!).

I'd say I had a very fulfilling year. The highlight of it was being with friends in all different kinds of capacities (shows, concerts, anniversary parties, restaurants, gatherings at each others houses, etc.) and doing more for Jehovah while witnessing Jehovah doing so much for me. Serving in a territory that needs assistance and signing up to help build Kingdom Halls makes me feel happy. Being a part of a special program in which we are given a new Bible... there are no words to sum up how incredibly historic it was. I was so honored to witness that.

Next year, I look forward to continuing my friendships and having even more great dinners, outings, gatherings, etc. Becoming one with the new Bible that I received is imperative. I so badly want to show my appreciation for this gift, but have such a hard time doing daily Bible reading. So I want to try hard, very hard, to make it happen. I want to go back to sitting in the front of the Kingdom Hall so as to block out distractions. By maintaining my spiritual focus, I know I'll have an even better relationship with my husband than I did last year. Continuing to grow with him is exciting as well. My husband is my best friend and my boo, so doing everything with him is my desire while still allowing time separately. Speaking of 'separately', I need to figure out how to do something. On a daily basis during the week, I am either working or trying to recuperate from working. There's no in between and there's nothing else. Work, recupe, work, recupe. I feel like I don't have much personal happy time during the week. There's no reason why spontaneity and fun has to be restricted to the weekend. So that's what I want to try to do for myself. Find energizing, happy, fun, spontaneous moments during the week. Yeah, that sounds good.

If anyone is reading this, what have you learned about yourself in 2013 and where do you see 2014 taking you?

Needed

O.M. to the G. You have NO idea how badly I need this vacation I'm about to embark on. One entire week, on the beach with the people I love the most. My family. I feel like I've been on everyone else's vacation but my own and I'm way past ready to do my own thing the way I like to do it. What I like most about my family reunion is the freedom I get to meander on the beach. I yearn for the beach right now like it's my long lost lover. The beach provides me with a sense of peace and comfort that I can't get from anywhere else. And since peace and comfort are what is lacking most in my life right now, I need him more than ever. Yes, the beach is him. That's my boyfriend for the next few days. I'm going to get lost in him and let him swallow me up. I'm going to let him whisper to me. I'm going to let his thoughts overtake me. I'm going to let him toast me. I'm going to let him love me the way I want to be loved. It's going to be so beautiful. But you know what the best time to be with my boyfriend is? At night. Have you ever connected with the beach at night?! You're just sitting there with the mass of darkness in front of you that you can't quite make out, but you feel it. And you hear it. And you know it's powerful. And it's much grander than you. You respect it and remember how small and inconsequential you are to it. There's nothing like the ocean.

So yes, that's what I'm looking forward to doing. Connecting with my boyfriend. I'm also glad all of my cousins will be together. I'm anxious to hear how everyone is doing. I'm anxious to be around my dad. The most refreshing male ever. My father... He's probably the only man who treats me how I want to be treated. I feel how strongly his heart goes out for me and how badly he wants to see me happy... I love that man. And then I'm anxious to go ATV riding with my fam bam! There's a trail or a course that's called 'down and dirty'. Awwwwwwwwwww yeah. My sisters and I rode ATVs for the first time on our vacation in Mexico and that it was so much fun. I felt so EMPOWERED riding that machine through the back, rough terrain. Woman Hear Me Roar!!! Lol. I saw pics from the 'down and dirty' trail and we are really about to get dirty, as in mudddddddyyyyy. It's going to be so much fun. But not to worry for all my bougie sisters out there (yes I am one of you too!) because I'll counteract all that with the spa later on in the week. =)

Indeed, this vacation is needed. It's coming at a good time. I need to disconnect from the problems at home in this Washington, D.C. area and get back to doing me. When I was single, I was great at channeling peace and doing me. I was so calm and clear back then. I understood everything. I was super reasonable in dealings with other human beings. I could isolate out intentions from mistakes that people (and I) made. Bible principles were easy to practice. Everything just clicked. The difficulties of marriage can cause you to feel wild and confused, so I will work on getting back to that place that I loved. I really loved that about myself when I was single. I took such good care of myself. I was strong and responsible and clear-headed and FUN. I haven't been feeling so strong and fun lately. Actually, I've been feeling very much beat down and drained. So I'm thankful. I'm thankful that this isn't just another vacation. I'm thankful that I NEED this vacation and it's more of a savior to me than just another trip. Thank you Jehovah! 

Oh! One last thing. I've been having SOOOO many dreams about my past lately!!!! I don't know WHAT the heck is going on in my mind but my dreams are really going in on me! It seems like every morning when I wake up, I need to pray and ask Jehovah to get those thoughts and dreams out of my head. My dreams are plaguing me! See why I need to clear my head? T minus 1 day and it's on.

Time Flies

Wow. Time certainly flies doesn't it? It's been 3 weeks since I blogged last. Summer is already here. And half of the year is already pretty much over. I feel like I need to catch up before I get left behind. Speaking of catching up, here's an update on life.

Love
My marriage hasn't been this good since my first month of marriage. You know what he said to me this weekend? We were relaxing in bed. I was on my iPad searching for a special something (more on that to come!), and he was laying there watching me. Out of the blue he says, 'You're so cute.' Since I had my bonnet on my head, I turned to look at him with disbelief in my eyes, but then he went on to mention that he really likes me and plays with me so much because of how much he enjoys me. If you know my husband, you know how much of a joker he is, so to be the object of his jokes I guess is a good thing. Nevertheless, it was so nice to hear him express himself out of the blue. I live for moments like that.

Right now, he's in the man cave with 4 or 5 other guys who kind of invited themselves over at the last minute. Game 7 must be entertaining because I can hear them all the way up here in my bedroom. I'm glad hubby is having fun though. As time has progressed, I care more about him smiling and having fun and being happy than I used to. One can either look at that as a terrible thing, or a good thing. I choose the latter.

Girlfriends
I've only had one girlfriend who I talked to almost every single day. I was her person and she was mine. I miss that a bit. I have a great group of girls to hang out with and talk to if needed, but it doesn't go much farther. And I'm ok with that for now. I had a great double date with a new couple on Friday. It's interesting to watch a budding romance as a married person. You have so many suggestions and ideas and cautions to give. At the same time, by watching the new couple, you get to remember your courtship days. Besides all that though, I had a really good time. We dived into a few good conversations that allowed us to all show each other who we really are. I love stuff like that. Not to mention that the weather was perfect. I haven't gone to a rooftop lounge in a long time… since days in LA in fact. Looking out over the DC landscape was nice. I want to do more things like that with people. Eat, talk, have deep conversation, laugh. Sometimes I wish I had my person that made me her person so I could do that all the time without having to call someone up and ask them, but it's all good. Sometimes you have to put the work in and I'm not going to be lazy about it.

Family
Sis and brother-in-law are good. They are studying the Bible together with another spiritually mature couple. Loving that. The couple that they're studying with visited DC over Memorial weekend so hubby and I got to meet them. I think they are all a good fit for each other. I'm excited to see where the studies take my family. Mom and Dad are good too. Same ole with them. My mom calls me every day it seems. Dad is still as chipper and happy as he's always been. My in-laws are all doing well. They have teenage son issues, but what family with a teenage son doesn't?

Spirituality
If I had to rate my zeal right now, it would be a 7 with 10 being the highest and 1 the lowest. We had a public talk recently about whether your heart goes out in the ministry with you whenever you do field service. I thought that was interesting because I'm not sure mine does. So I want to work on that. I'm still very consistent in my commenting and my preparation. My Bible reading isn't that great though. In family worship tonight, hubby and I did the Bible reading for the week together. That was nice. We put in our applications for the Regional Building Committee a few weeks back. I'm nervous and excited at the same time. The idea of building Kingdom Halls and Assembly Halls is cool. Especially since I love interior design. Hopefully I'll get to help out with something like that.

Car
Can I just say that I love my car?! I had to drive out to Reston, VA today for a meeting and the drive was so much more enjoyable simply because of my car. I was thinking about my love for my car as I was breezing down George Washington Memorial Parkway. I haven't felt this good about a choice in a long time.

Career
Meh. It's there. I have a job. I get paid on time. The end.

Future
Here's what I'm looking forward to.
1. Visiting Hampton this weekend, seeing hubby's dad and my preggers amiga and of course, doing some outlet shopping which I really saved for this time! No credit cards.
2. The convention. I think we're getting a new Bible or something. There have been plenty of clues/hints leading me to this conclusion. I mean why else can no one order a Bible anymore at the literature counter?
3. My family reunion. I have $72 more to pay and then I'm free. A week long vacation on the beach with all of my family can't come soon enough. I think this is the first year that every single person will be there too. All of the cousins, the grand babies…everyone.

I think that's a sufficient update, don't you?

Juice Fast

Hey peoples.

Hubby and I just finished a 3 day juice fast. What an experience! Who knew that 3 days could last so long!? Lol. It was very interesting to feel how devastated your body gets once it realizes that you are trying to clean it out. Day 2 was the worst for me. I had the worst headache that I've ever had. We learned through research that when you go through pains/headaches, it's because the toxins in your system are trying to escape your body. Hubby thinks my toxins are related to the amounts of salt that I take in. He's probably right since I eat a lot of Lean Cuisine tv dinners for lunch at work. They just happen to be on sale all the time at CVS! And I love the sweet and sour chicken one! Between Lean Cuisines, White Castle cheeseburgers and Digorno pizzas, I spend $20 on lunch for TWO WEEKS. I know I know...The savings do not make up for the fact that I have to do better. Hence I will.

The worst day for hubby was day 3 (yesterday). He had to leave work early because he had no more juice left at work and was getting a headache. If how he felt was anything like how I felt, there was no way he could sit there for 4 more hours and make it. Yesterday was great for me. I felt so clear and clean! I wasn't even hungry. My mind wanted food more so than my body did. Knowing that my fast was coming to an end, I couldn't mentally understand the difference between eating on Wednesday night as opposed to Thursday morning like I was supposed to do. Fasting is truly more of a mental exercise than it is a physical one. That mind is a strong organism man!

What we've learned is that we need to be more careful about what we put into our bodies...the salt, the caffeine, the sugar, the non-essential fat, etc. And since we did it together, we also grew closer. The feeling of making a huge life change together was uniting. I'm looking forward to incorporating juicing into our normal lifestyle (especially because we have nothing but shelves of veggies in our fridge now). Since we don't eat veggies like we should, the spinach/kale/lettuce juices we made will be essential to our diets going forward. I'm excited about this new healthy lifestyle we're embarking on. I'm more excited about the possibility of less ailments in my house. Hubby's headaches have GOT to go. If I were to do anything different, it would have been to continue our fast 2 days longer. I heard that the 4th and 5th days are amazing. The energy levels, the lack of ailments that you had before, the refreshing feeling... I'm interested to experience that and to see what it does for hubby since he gets sick so often. And perhaps we shouldn't have broken our fast with a slice of pizza. lol. The pizza wasn't even all that good either! Womp.

Anyway, I'm in a good mood, my body feels good and I'm excited about our progress. Let's pray we can keep this momentum going!

Marley Joey/Mason Alex

It's Sunday and I don't have to work tomorrow. MJ went skating and I'm home on my sofa with a movie on. I couldn't have planned a more perfect evening. Alone in my favorite spot. I haven't really had the chance to enjoy my living room since I rearranged it. MJ was right. It's much more comfortable this way.

I don't talk about this with my husband anymore. For really good reason too. I'm not trying to stress him out. I've had so many different feelings about this subject that I can't recount them myself. But if I don't write this down, I fear I won't be able to fully sort out my thoughts.

I love thinking about baby names. But ask me if I'm ready to have a baby. I can't believe how many times I've changed my mind on this subject. One minute every fiber in my body is dying for a baby and then next, I'm cringing over the idea of waking up earlier than 7am. Yesterday as I woke up and slowly came to life, I felt so free, so grateful to be able to wake up on my own terms. I don't understand this Jekyl and Hyde thought process of mine. How do you want something so bad one minute and not want it at all the next? It would be fine if one of these feelings stuck. But I've gone through this so many times, I don't know what's true anymore.

I have normalized my expectations though. I have put away the calendars, period trackers, fertility apps, webmd research, pregnancy tests, etc. I've learned my lesson there. That's a sure fire way to drive me crazy. It works wonders for some, but I can't take another pregnancy test. My emotions will surely kill me. Happy, sad, relieved, disappointed.

But these baby names... Marley, Jax, Miller, Mieke, Mase, Joey... I even found a website www.nymbler.com that recommends names based on suggestions. Using those names, it suggested Kennedy, Reilly, Quinn, Harper, Alex... All names I love. I guess it's sort of like wanting to get married because of the wedding fantasy. Picking colors, designing invitations, searching for the perfect wedding gown... Only it's not just baby names that I think of. I think about my son, Mason Alex, or my daughter, Marley Joey, looking up at me. I think about my child telling me that I'm the best. I think about that baby reaching out for me. (sigh) I don't want to get too mushy here, so I'll stop. I think the point has been made.

But this moment right here. Me with my laptop, a movie and my peace... I do not want to give that up right now. My life is great. I feel good. I've been told I look good. I have great friends that I hang out with often. My life is simple. I have a couple of great Bible studies that I'm able to dedicate a good amount of time to. I have a new car that I don't want getting messed up. I can focus singularly on myself to improve my personality.

I so badly want to see what my husband's child will look like and how the two of them will love on each other. I want to see that side of him. The intimate interaction between a man and his child is so sexy.

As I continue to say whenever this topic comes up... Time will tell. I don't have much time at 30 years of age, but I'm sure I'll have my answer when the time is right. I wish I had 5 more years before having to think about this, but that's not my reality. Prayerfully something with come to a head soon.

Stuff

I got ready for work in silence this morning. No tv. No music. Maybe that's why I started crying in the car while driving to work. I didn't start off the day right. When you're pms-ing, you HAVE to start off the day right. Crying for no reason is a part of the game though.

I feel scatter brained. I should have my dress for cuzzo's wedding by now, but I can't seem to get to the checkout. I look. I find something. But I never get to the checkout. I don't even feel like looking for those dresses again. Maybe I'm just being non-committal.

Work is non-stop. Not that I'm complaining. I like my job. But some days I want a 'free' day. You know...those days when you can just chill, read an article on cnn, check the gossip blogs. That kind of stuff. At least I have my music. I'm relying on my oldies channel on Pandora to calm me today. Get my emotions under control.

Speaking of emotions, I don't know if it's all pms. Maybe it is. But while in CT with my family, I got really emotional over the lack of attention I feel like I get from my mother. Maybe it was because that weekend it was all about Pooh. And it had to be! I mean she has blood clots in her lungs for goodness sake! But I think it awakened something in me that I've felt for a long time. Being the quiet one isn't always a good thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the background. I tried to explain that I feel like my personality doesn't lend itself to getting the best from my family. My sister, on the other hand, is very demanding. We started talking about the differences in our weddings, the differences in our lives. The fact that I know exactly which colors my mother thinks are prettiest on Pooh, but haven't the slightest idea what colors she thinks look good on me. But as usual, my mother got very defensive and said that my issues are my own and that I need to own them. And while I agree with that, it's not what I needed to hear. I already felt vulnerable for expressing my feelings. I already felt like a little child screaming for attention... Now my dad has texted me that he loves me 2 times this week. There's no doubt that mom shared our conversation. I know my parents love me. I know they try to do their best where I'm concerned. I alss know that I don't demand very much even though I often want more. I want a wedding on the top of a skyscraper overlooking an evening sky, but I get the old firefighter house. Sometimes I just wish that mom knew me. And I know she does. But I wish she knew me and acted on her knowledge more. Maybe looked at me as not being as strong as she sees me. Sometimes I wish that I spoke up more and had an ounce of the personality traits that my sister has. But then I wouldn't be me. I know I know. Boy I sound pathetic. I'm not as strong and put together as many think I am. But once I get past this pms, I will be again! Never doubt that. I'm going to look back on this and laugh in a few days. "What were you thinking?!" I'm going to say. That's if I choose to look back.

The Glow

It's amazing how different my blog is now. When I first started blogging 6 years ago (it's been SIX years!!! WOW), I wrote a lot of emotional melodramatic lyrics and poems about my confused, little life. (It's funny how I can say that now.) I talked a lot about finding myself, making friends, my love affair with music and of course, men. No doubt, I was obsessed with the process to finding a husband. If I can categorize the first 5 years of this blog, I would say I was in a hunter green kind of search mode. (I have colors on the brain so please excuse the analogy.) I was confused, I was figuring things out and I was finding myself.

The past year and a half of blogging time has been more so dedicated to the things I now either love or am looking forward to. Marriage, interior design, parenting, inspiration, fashion, etc. I'm in a much more turquoise state of light if you will. A bright but inquisitive space. It's quite refreshing.

And refreshed is exactly what I felt when I happened upon The Glow - a site dedicated to fashionable and inspiring moms. Photographers, designers, painters, pr consultants...Even though I'm not a mother, I feel so connected to the images and the idea behind the site. It makes me dream and inspires me. There's so much that I could say because there's a lot of feeling inside of me right now, but the words won't match... So I'll let the images just tell it for me.

I love that these are the things I blog about now. It makes a huge difference towards my level of joy.

Irritated, Annoyed And Whatever Else

It's not a good day today. I've already got on the people who have come through the front door without their badges. Normally I would hold it in, but today is not the day. There's something going on inside of me that I haven't yet been able to figure out, so I'm kinda taking it out on other people. I'm just in no mood for nonsense. If you're supposed to use your badge for entry, use it. Don't take advantage of the fact that I can give you access to the office. It's not my job to pick you up when you slack.

Anyway, this is not about badges or office entry. As I said, there's a real issue here that's bothering me that I'm too worried about speaking up on. As I mentioned last time, I'm studying the Bible with my sister. But I really don't know why she chose me because our relationship is so complicated. And when it's complicated, it doesn't make it any easier to sit down and have me assist her on ways to develop a relationship with God. I can't even get my own relationship with her right. It's just so convoluted and I tense up about it every time I think about it. I'm actually quite tired of how issues with my sister affect me. It's like they grip the very person of me and hold me in some sort of prison. I hate that. I wish I could not care.

I'm A Spectacle

J.K. is offended that I didn't invite her to my baptism. Now I'm hurt that she's hurt. I hate it when people are hurt by me because I never intend to hurt anyone. (I feel like I said this before in regards to something else that happened with J.K.) I can walk along minding my business when someone will be hurt by me and I would never expect it.... I wasn't thinking of inviting my hanging out buddies to my baptism. Why would they care? Despite my disdain for attention, there are already so many people coming that it's turning into a family reunion. It's uncomfortable. Especially because I don't want to steal away people's joy. If seeing me get baptized is going to make them happy, then so be it. It can't always be about what I want. Baptisms are a public declaration so... It's about to be real public. I wish it could just be me and Him.

I hate, hate, hate to be a spectacle.

Our Family Study

My family and I just had a really great family study. The three of us started out by considering an article that my mother wanted to look at on how husbands should imitate Christ. We studied the same typical information until we got to a section about remembering that your wife is also your sister in Christ. Often, husbands who have responsibilities in the congregation overlook the fact that their wife is also one of their dear congregation sisters. The love and compassion shown to other sisters in the congregation can often be lost on wifes. I could tell that my dad was meditating hard on that concept. So it was a subject that wasn't lost on the family. My dad told us about a meeting the ministerial servants and elders had with one of the overseers. In it, the overseer asked them if they knew what the Bible verses about buying out the opportune time referred to. Most of the answers were geared to making sure you buy out the opportune time for the ministry. But as you would expect, they were wrong. The overseer made a very good point that day by telling them that there are more important things than just the ministry. While field service is important, your family and health are even more important. Your wife's well-being is more important than the part you have on the theocratic ministry school. Your son or daughter's big school event is more important than the number of hours you get to spend teaching another about God's will. Your sanity and health is far more important that any service that you can be giving to Jehovah. Because in the end, if you do not take care of yourself and your family, then you have not taken care of your responsibilities and therefore have not followed the counsel of our Father. I thought that was pretty deep, especially because many people neglect other facets of their life in efforts to serve Jehovah more fully. But Jehovah needs your full, healthy and sound self. Not a deprived self.

Then we got into whether or not a couple can ever be prepared for marriage. There were a set of questions that we read in our study at the meeting today... 'Why do I want to get married? What expectations do I have? Is this the right person for me? What can I bring to a marriage?' So my mother asked, "even if you answer these questions and spit out a couple of scriptural verses for support and reference, does that mean you are prepared? Can you EVER be prepared?" I responded that I think there's a yes and no answer to that question. The information that we studied along with those questions is about maturity. If one is truly mature and does not simply answer those questions with programmed verses in mind, you can really figure out whether you are ready for marriage or not. Being a mature Christian, you can prepare yourself as much as possible by devising a plan for the happy and the non so happy times. You can figure out what you're going to do when you and your mate are under hardship. What scriptures you may look to, what mature married persons you might talk to, and what you will NOT do no matter how difficult the situation is. With maturity, you can lay a foundation to be prepared. What you will not be prepared for however are the day to day happenings of marriage. I'm sure everyone who is married will say that they were not prepared for what they've been through. But when those little bullets come flying towards you, your shield is ready. Your foundation has already been laid. It's then up to the two mature Christians who have joined together in marriage to apply that foundation that the two of them laid together before uniting.

Like I said, we had a really good family study today. I wish more could have shared in it with us, but it was probably meant for just us three. I got a lot out of it, in addition to the fact that the closer I get to marriage, the more nervous I become. It's not all glorious and wonderful as many portray. I've known that for years, but it's really hitting me. Hard this time.

Top Secret Smiles and Hushed Giggles

You know what I've been doing a lot of lately? Laughing alone! It's not because I'm particularly crazy or anything, although I was in a rare, fun form last night with my silly self, but rather I'm extremely tickled by my family right now. More specifically, my sister and mom. Those two are pretty much the cause of these private smiles or quiet giggles that have people looking at me like I'm insane. For the past 10 days it seems, the three of us have been pretty ridiculous. Our coocoo and downright hilarious ways have been highlighted with the changing of the season, and I wonder how much longer this session of beserk-ness is going to last. I'm actually having a lot of fun so I hope it continues forever. Last night, all three of us were a hot mess as we tried unsuccessfully to prepare for the meeting. So much so that we all had our share of blunders and serious fashion mishaps. While trying to explain the parking arrangement to my mother last night, we all shared a good moment as we figured out that my mother truly is slow. lol. We've also let out our inner goofiness together while trying to figure out where all the food goes as we rationed portions of sushi, chicken pot pie and lamb to each other. In our family Bible study, all four of us cracked up at the early days of our family-hood and the things we all simultaneously thought years ago, but never shared. Under the right circumstances, all four of us actually, are truly comical together. My family makes me double over in pained laughter. I love these moments... And when we all go our separate ways, I'll hold on to them so I can continue to have top secret smiles and hushed giggles.

Mood: Sad

During my laid-off months, my life was quiet. Even though I was unemployed with no money, I lived in a little cocoon of peace. It was nice. No stress, no drama, no difficulties. Last week, however, my world was turned upside down. The stress monster hit me smack in my face. Literally. The splitting headache, the protruding vein in my forehead and the throbbing behind my eyes were unmistakable. I was losing it. While pondering over the million and two things that were on my mind on Friday, I started to get very upset...so much so that I had to take a deep breath to fight back the tears that were trying to blur my vision while driving.

Not even one minute after I updated my facebook status, which spoke on my stress levels, I got a phone call of concern from a very good friend who I've been trying to get in touch with unsuccessfully. With all of the emotion whirling inside of me, I couldn't help but to be extremely touched by his reaching out. Even though I was too overwhelmed to talk about what was bothering me, I texted him shortly after we hung up... "Thank you so much for calling. I'm rather emotional right now so your kind concern just about has me in tears. I'll try to call you this weekend." When he responded again, he did so in a way that made me feel like he was reaching through the phone to wrap his arms around me and hold me up while my legs buckled from underneath me. J.E. saved me at that moment. He noticed when I thought no one did.

I've had a lot of time to think things through and I've decide to focus on the solutions rather than the problems. The answers are as follows (and the rest will most likely be clear): 1. I need to sit down and have a conversation with him. This whole thing is not right and I know in my soul that this isn't what it should be. He can't marry her if he still has feelings for me. Well he can, but before he makes that decision, we need to talk. I just want him to be happy and be able to live his life without the problems that are existing between him and his fiance'. He's more than an ex-boyfriend. He's family. Hopefully I can help him. 2. I will stop letting my to-do lists overwhelm me by simplifying them, file for an extension on my taxes, have my dad take my car to get checked for emissions for me, tell L. that I need more time, and notify Mrs. D. and Mr. E. of the fact that I can't right now. Sometimes it's best to tell people no. I will not be pressured. 3. It's clear that my standards are overwhelming to him. So I will give him the space he should take. Regardless if he feels like he needs it or not. I am not in a relationship with anyone so I will not act like I am. Even though I want to do what comes natural...communicate, see how he's feeling, reassure him, blah blah blah, it's not my place. He'll work it out on his own. I don't owe anyone anything. 4. I will not renew my contract or accept a permanent positions with Washington Post Digital come June. I will find a career which I love and that will want to pay me for the full hours that I give in service. I need things to be uncomplicated. Not paying me for the hours that I've worked is unacceptable. 5. I understand what happens when a man become serious about a woman. So I'm going to be a big girl and suck it up. I will miss our closeness and our conversations, but I'm going to step out of the way and wish him nothing but joy. If we are true friends, it will shine through and he won't forget about me. 6. When people ask me what I do, I will never say that I am an accountant or I do finance work. No. I am a photographer, writer, dancer and an executive with Artistry Group. My occupation will be what I love. Finance is my side job. It's what pays my car note. Nothing more, nothing less. 7. I'm going to write about investing in family relationships. I have a story to tell regarding my relationship with my father and it needs to be told.

I can't say that even though I now have the answers that I'm okay now. It was hard getting there. Especially on my own. It was a lot to handle all at once, even though I did it. I've always been a superwoman. I always come out on top. But I'm sad because I'm exhausted and there's still so much more to do. I have to now apply the solutions and make them work for me. I have to put action behind everything so that I can go back to that state of peace that I desire. But I need help. I can't think about who to ask or where to turn, because my brain is fried and I'm verging on empty. I've gotten far, but I need help. My family and Jehovah are just about my own havens at the moment. In reality, that's enough and that's exactly what they're there for. Oh and writing! My friends may all seem to be disappearing (due to responsibilities, new girlfriends, distance, etc.), but at least I have my therapy.

I desire stillness and quiet. When I get that, maybe the sadness will dissipate. Until then, I'll keep climbing.

The Shoulder Snapping Arm Grab

On my way out of My Place in Mitchellville Plaza, I briefly caught eyes with one of the many baseball hat clad dark brothers in the spot. Taking my eye contact as a sign of attraction and a signal of my permission, he waited until I got near enough to reach out and wrap his manly hand around my tiny brown wrist. I threw him a polite smile that read 'thank you but no thank you' and turned my focus towards the crowded aisle. My little sisters were following closely behind me and as the front lady, it was critical that I focused to find a path of least resistance towards the door. As I took a step, I realized that my arm was no longer beside me but at a 35 degree angle behind me. Hmm... If I'm not mistaken, it seems as if he's still holding my wrist. I heightened my sensory receptors and confirmed my observation. I didn't want to look back so as to encourage him so I took stepped forward another inch. My arm heightened to a 45 degree angle. Hmm... Is he not going to let go? Another inch. 65 degrees. Another inch. His hold was now kinda tight. 80 degrees. Mister prince george's county was not only maintaining his hold on my fragile wrist, but was now cutting off my circulation. I winced slightly as a sharp pain shot up my arm towards my shoulder. At this time, as my arm was now tautly pulled at a 90 degree angle blocking the path of others behind me, I figured I better stop moving. Since it was clear he was not giving in, I decided I had to choose between losing out on a valuable minute of my life and a functioning arm. I acquiesced to his more than firm grab and followed the direction in which he led me. I smiled the smile I knew he wanted to see and stepped up closely to his body and waited for his most amazing, stellar introductory line that must have been of the utmost importance to cause me such pain. He smiled that smug little smile of his as I stood in his space, pleased with himself. He still hadn't released my wrist which was now red with an Indian burn likeness. He glanced at his surrounding boys, who were all fixated on our exchange, in that i-got-this kinda way that overconfident men do. That's when I rolled my eyes in my heart. I looked up into his eyes the way a girlfriend would look into her man's after he just finished saying I love you for the first time, and motioned for him to come closer so he could hear me over the music. "What's your name?" I asked sweetly into his ear. After he responded, I motioned for him to come closer again. I put my hand on his arm so that he could bulge his muscle under my touch and feel more of a man for it. By now, he was wide open. "I understand that you find me attractive and am in request of my attention. But I would like to ask you a question." I continued without waiting for his response. "Is it really your unrequited desire to restrain me so forcefully that you maneuver me into some sort of WWF dead lock position that causes sharp pains to shoot up the posterior ligaments of my arm? I deduce that since you are here tonight celebrating the Pittsburg Steelers 27-23 Superbowl victory over the Arizona Cardinals along with the other civilized inhabitants of this establishment, you are not a prehistoric barbarian that beats his mates over the head with a club to show affection. If my assumption is correct, I want you to know that my shoulder is not double jointed, nor am I a circus act. Now if you would so oblige me... please let go." I drew back slightly to see his face. As if on cue, his smile dropped and he released his claws on my irritated wrist. I counted to three just in case he wanted to respond. When I realized he had nothing to say, as I knew would be the case, I said thank you and patted him on top of his now deflated muscle. I smiled my sweet smile once again, looked towards my little sisters and nodded towards the door.

Or at least that's what I should have done. Instead, my little sisters shot mister prince george's county that good old stank, are-you-out-of-your-mind, venom face that us black woman have become so talented at giving (because of jerks like mister prince george's county) and forcibly released my arm from his grasp. Thanks little sis' for saving my arm. Next time j.a.c. Next time.

My Dad

My dad is having surgery on his back Thursday.
I'm so not okay with that.
I know that it has to be done.
But I've never seen my dad not be superman.
To see him down and out for 10 weeks is going to crush me.
But it has to be done.
I pray that all goes well.
I think the surgery is going to be worse for him than for us.
He's not going to understand not being able to do stuff.
I bet you my life that he's going to be up sooner than he's supposed to just because of his stubborness.
He's going to think he's fine to save the world, even though he isn't.
There are going to be some fights about that.
Just watch.
My parents are getting old.
I never thought this day would come.
Having young parents was a blessing because we've all been able to pretty much run around and rule the world without having to wonder if one of us can hang.
I'm nervous.
I almost don't want to see it.
But this is the time to be there.
They didn't say that I had to be there.
They would never tell me that I had to be there.
But I need to be there.
My mom, sister and I are going to have to become the little superwomen that we already know we are.
I'm interested to see how my family comes together for this.
Thank goodness I love them more than life.

DMV and Marriage

I read this quote on Belle's blog: "you know people from the DMV suburbs like to get married by 27, dudes included"

And that my friends, is a huge reason why I have decided to move back. Oh, let me rewind for a quick second. If anyone is unaware of the acronym used above, DMV stands for the DC, Maryland, Virginia metropolitan area. Okay, now that we are all caught up, let me explain myself. New York is for the young. I'm not saying that I'm old, but NY is definitely for those who like the freedom that the greatest city has to offer. On the real, to get the most out of NY, you either have to be rich or young. When you're rich, you can rule the city like Pharaoh ruled over God's people. A driver, a butler, a trip to Italy, an impressive dinner party...whatever you want. When one has large amounts of disposable income, you can live in NY quite comfortably. Those who are young and free-spirited, on the other hand, can use NY as their toilet bowl to crap up in. Social scenes, tons of the opposite sex, restaurants, fashion, hotels... It's the perfect place for the professional bachelor or bachelorette. But what happens when you're not rich nor do you care to turn the city into your playground? You move!

I don't see NY as a place for families. Sure you can move to the big island or jersey, but who wants to do that, unless you have this super affinity for New York? I'm sure the ones out on the island or in jersey are those who were born and raised in NY or immigrants who found a better opportunity. But those of us who have moved to the city from other states, don't usually stay. You take NY for what it is, and then you leave it.

Why do you think that people from the DMV suburbs like to get married so young? (You might say that 27 is not young, but keep in mind that the marrying age today is higher than it used to be - so it's all relative.) Here is my speculation. The DMV is made for marriage. We're a metropolitan area full of single family homes and condos. We have dog parks and middle schools on every corner. All of our stores are arranged in town centers and plazas. Well this is no ground-breaking announcement, really. What I'm describing is the definition of a suburb. So why do people here marry so young? Well what else is there to do? Lol.

I like the city, and I love the suburbs. Hence, I want to move to DC. Prince George's County will forever and always be the same. While I appreciate where I come from, I don't think I can do something I've already done. Living in DC will give me access to what I know, and the ability to experience something new. I'm looking forward to figuring out the DC young professionals scene - various professional associations (urban league, young professionals for non-profits), the underground music scene, and my spiritual network scene.

In the Sex and the City movie, remember when Carrie asked Louise why she moved to NY city? Louise said, "To fall in love". Well, if anyone asks me why I moved to the DMV, you already know what I'm going to say.

Blogging From The Berry

I'm on my way to Maryland... My cousin is sitting next to me reading a book and my Nana and Aunt are seated behind us. Since we started on our journey 2 hours ago, I think my Nana has tapped me on the shoulder to ask me a question about 7 times. I love her to death but goodness gracious woman. Sit back and enjoy the ride in Bolt Bus's spacious and comfortable leather seats. It's going to be an interesting and jolly weekend. Everyone's going to be excited to see one another. As for me, I feel like I'm the one family member who has lived with or spent considerable and large amounts of time with everyone, which consequently kills a little bit if not all of my excitement. Because of my last two relocations, I've lived with all of my aunts, one of my uncles, and one of my cousins. I thought I knew my family before but now I know that my cousin and I are cousins only, and not friends. I now know that my uncle is a sexist and I also know my oldest aunt's wig size. I think it's about time I take back my own space. I think I might be rather quiet this Thanksgiving weekend. Fade into the background a bit while everyone else catches up. Even though I'm not a fan of other people's babies, I might just round them all up and take them to the park. Sit on the park bench and be still for a moment while they drain their energy.

If I could be anywhere right now, or when I get off this bus, it would be in the living room of my own house (if I had one). The room would be zen like, the candles would be lit, jazz would be on, and I would wear a large oversized cashmere sweater with lotioned legs. I would probably lay in the center of the plush carpet on my back with my legs up in the air and my eyes closed listening and thinking. My burgundy leather bound journal and my favorite pen would be next to me just in case I needed to flip over on my stomach and jot a thought down.

Do I love my family? Absolutely. Am I thankful for them? Everyday. But do I care to see them right now? Not really. I just need a break. I just need me.

Pouring Out My Heart

I have so much on my mind.

Again, he told me that he wants me back. He says that he's different. That he's made changes for not only himself but God as well. He wrote, "I know I can't make it without Him...I tried by myself already." I told him that was fantastic. It really is admirable. But I can't just jump back in. I suggested that if he's really going to live for God, try doing it on his own for a while. Certainly longer than 4 months. Try his new lifestyle out for a while, build it up, and then come check for me. But honestly, I don't think it'll ever work. I'm TERRIFIED to do it again! It was SO HARD. Being with someone who has a different value and moral standard than I do... Ugh! It sucks! It's hard merging a life with someone who's only accountable to himself. When I want to make every single decision based on my relationship with God and he wants to do what he wants to do... It's just not going to work. I want a husband who has that really really really deep respect and fear for Jehovah God. Who says, no I can't cheat on my wife because God will KILL me! Or no, I won't lie on my job like my boss is asking me to because I'll disappoint God. Who thinks that losing his job is worth more than jeopardizing his relationship with God. That's a hard decision for a man to make when he has a family to feed, ya know?! I want a man who puts himself in check because of God, not because of me. I want a man who has studied and meditated on what God requires of him and truly truly desires to live by it so that he can stay in God's good graces. And it's a hard thing to do, all of that! Especially when it makes you look different from other people - because it will. Believe me, I know. It's a struggle for me every single freakin day! It's an uphill journey! No, it's freaking up the mountain crawling on your hands and knees journey! And it certainly takes longer than 4 months to get there. I just want a servant of Jehovah. That's all I want. It's my number 1 requirement. If he has that then the honesty, the responsibility, the love...it will all be there. Just give me a servant of Jehovah God. Please God. Please.

And that's where I am right now. I'm asking for this servant, but I can't have one if I'm not there myself. When the chapter on my ex and I finally ended, I knew it was time to make God my closest confidant. So right now, it's just me and God. Just me and my Father. And there's not a person out there than can take that away from me right now. You just don't understand how badly I NEED and WANT Him in my life.

I lost my job Thursday. There were 600 lay-offs at Time Inc and I have 2 weeks until my last day. When I watched the people crying and depressed the other day, my heart broke for them. I can't imagine how it would feel not to have God standing right next to you holding your hand. I know 115% for a fact that God will not leave me. He's helped me this far so why wouldn't I be okay? Ever since my break-up, which I think was one of the most timely things that have ever happened to me, I've been diving into some really creative things that I am longing to pursue. I realize that I have talents that I haven't even begun to tap into. I feel like I'm surrounded by protection that can only come from one being. Do you know that I sold my first song a couple of weeks ago? Can you believe that I have a modeling gig in the next couple of days? Isn't it fantastic that I just came into $700 that I didn't know about? Isn't it crazy that my parents JUST found out they can build their new house without having to sell the current one, which means I can live there if I want? How is it that all of this is just happening right at the time of my lay-off? Surely not by my own graces. I have supreme cushion on all sides. He will not leave me and He never has. I'm not the least bit worried and I'm definitely looking forward to what my life will hold. Especially since I have Him. There's no where to go but up from here.

Speaking of up, Essence was THE best job I have ever had. I prayed and prayed and prayed for that job and it turned out to be the perfect opportunity. I woke up every single day ready to step into that building and walk through the double doors into the Essence office. It was a privilege. When speaking to my manager who also was let go, she said she couldn't help but to think about me because she knew how much Essence was my baby. It really was. And it will continue to be. I will always have a special place in my heart for Essence. I'm really going to miss the family that I build there. My department was unique. Even though I worked directly for Essence, I was in a cluster with finance people who worked for Real Simple and InStyle magazines, so I was around a diverse group of individuals. White, Asian, men, women, old, young, crazy, quiet. That was my family for 11 months ya'll. And ALL of us got along! How insane is that?! All 12 of us. But now that there are only 4 left standing, we'll all go in different directions and just cherish the relationships that we've built. Essence was a blessing. It truly was.

So what's next? I definitely have to write. I was just asked to contribute to another blog and help administer the site for a new enterprise back out in Cali. That's going to be a piece of cake for me. And I adore the guy who's running this enterprise. His heart is so big that I'll do anything for him. The music team I sold my song to (GEM and NK) has asked me to work with them, so I'll continue to do that no matter whether I stay in NY or move back home. I have a pretty good severance package so I'm thinking about perhaps going to photography school. I did say that I want to put together a portfolio by October 2009 didn't I? GEM doesn't want me to leave so he's working to find me a job in NY. He's already pushed me onto a couple of people's plates which was really kind of him. And then this modeling thing? It's just something to do. A one time thing. Even though I'm 5'9" and a size 6, my butt is way too big to model. I have a sista card and that's not going to work. Modeling is not my thing either. I had fun doing it in college but it's not my style. If I take it seriously, I think it'll take me in a direction I'm not willing to go if you know what I mean. And then there's always the option to go back to school. I LOVE school. Always have. But I'm too creative to do finance and business school. I have to find the right school niche.

Moving home is my only concern. For all four of us to be under one roof again. Mmm... It gives me the chills. Let's just put it like that. Two grown children cannot peacefully co-exist with their parents. My sister and parents are having a hard time as it is. I think they're not even speaking right now. I SO don't want to move back in and be a part of that drama. I need peace in my life. (lol. how many times have i said that!) I love my family, but they are just too much. I told my mother that I think they've all gotten out of control. Because of how difficult it is, they've somehow gotten really mean towards one another. What is that all about?!! ILLL. I can't do that! My mother says that I'm probably exactly what they need to pull it back together. Well why do I have to be that person?! Lol. I'm really sensitive and most likely will start crying when family stress drags me there. Everyone will probably check themselves if that happens because no one like to see me cry. A family meeting will be called and everything. I can already see it! But the next family meeting I want to have is with my own husband and 2.5 kids! Feel me?! I don't want a 9 to 5 job, but if that means getting me out of Ramblewood then that's what I'll have to do.

My dad told me that in hard times, with family is the best place to be. I wholeheartedly agree. Every one's going to need their mommies and daddies the way things are going with this economy. Can you believe that 6,000 jobs were lost in NY in the month of October alone?! Yeah, we're going to need each other. My sister is excited for me to come home. I'm glad she's excited. It's nice to know she feels that way about me. My sis and I have a good relationship. My prayer for her is that she build a firm relationship with God. The lady is so smart. Intelligent beyond belief, but she can be such a frantic mess sometimes. I think that a relationship with God will help her with that. But like I said up top, that takes time. Everybody has to take that journey if they desire it. It's a long one, but it's super rewarding.

I never or hardly talk about my relationship with God on this blog, even though it's such a huge part of my life. But the closer I get to Him, the more I feel like an outsider. But that's to be expected and I'm prepared for it. For example, I have a lot of nice male friends. For the girls who don't really get it, I often hear "i don't understand why you're not dating him or hopping on that right now, cuz giirrrlllll, if i were you..." Yeah, I can imagine why you don't understand. It's not that simple for me. Which sucks sometimes because I realize that I'm limiting my choices. A man who serves God the way I do! Ha! Yeah, that's like searching for the underwire on Aretha Franklin's bra. But that's what I want. And I did say that God won't leave me right? If I don't have faith, how will it be delivered? (And that's why if it's even possible, the ex is going to have to come SO hard. I mean SOOOOO hard. I don't feel like an average woman. I KNOW I'm not. My standards are so high. Too high for him, I believe.) And then this past Halloween, which is a holiday I really don't get down with, I got chastised for not celebrating it. I've never been pushed so hard to celebrate this holiday before. I used to be surrounded by people who kept away from Halloween and all that it stood for, but for some reason, I lost all those people. Lol. It's weird how I'm constantly reminded of my choices, but that's a good thing. I'm constantly reminded of my relationship with God. And if that's what it takes, then so be it.

I feel like I've been writing for an hour, but I needed this. This is one of those posts that I'll be able to look back upon and see growth. I feel like I'm in a good place and prayerfully, I'll stay here.

Ciao bellas.