It's Sunday and I don't have to work tomorrow. MJ went skating and I'm home on my sofa with a movie on. I couldn't have planned a more perfect evening. Alone in my favorite spot. I haven't really had the chance to enjoy my living room since I rearranged it. MJ was right. It's much more comfortable this way.
I don't talk about this with my husband anymore. For really good reason too. I'm not trying to stress him out. I've had so many different feelings about this subject that I can't recount them myself. But if I don't write this down, I fear I won't be able to fully sort out my thoughts.
I love thinking about baby names. But ask me if I'm ready to have a baby. I can't believe how many times I've changed my mind on this subject. One minute every fiber in my body is dying for a baby and then next, I'm cringing over the idea of waking up earlier than 7am. Yesterday as I woke up and slowly came to life, I felt so free, so grateful to be able to wake up on my own terms. I don't understand this Jekyl and Hyde thought process of mine. How do you want something so bad one minute and not want it at all the next? It would be fine if one of these feelings stuck. But I've gone through this so many times, I don't know what's true anymore.
I have normalized my expectations though. I have put away the calendars, period trackers, fertility apps, webmd research, pregnancy tests, etc. I've learned my lesson there. That's a sure fire way to drive me crazy. It works wonders for some, but I can't take another pregnancy test. My emotions will surely kill me. Happy, sad, relieved, disappointed.
But these baby names... Marley, Jax, Miller, Mieke, Mase, Joey... I even found a website www.nymbler.com that recommends names based on suggestions. Using those names, it suggested Kennedy, Reilly, Quinn, Harper, Alex... All names I love. I guess it's sort of like wanting to get married because of the wedding fantasy. Picking colors, designing invitations, searching for the perfect wedding gown... Only it's not just baby names that I think of. I think about my son, Mason Alex, or my daughter, Marley Joey, looking up at me. I think about my child telling me that I'm the best. I think about that baby reaching out for me. (sigh) I don't want to get too mushy here, so I'll stop. I think the point has been made.
But this moment right here. Me with my laptop, a movie and my peace... I do not want to give that up right now. My life is great. I feel good. I've been told I look good. I have great friends that I hang out with often. My life is simple. I have a couple of great Bible studies that I'm able to dedicate a good amount of time to. I have a new car that I don't want getting messed up. I can focus singularly on myself to improve my personality.
I so badly want to see what my husband's child will look like and how the two of them will love on each other. I want to see that side of him. The intimate interaction between a man and his child is so sexy.
As I continue to say whenever this topic comes up... Time will tell. I don't have much time at 30 years of age, but I'm sure I'll have my answer when the time is right. I wish I had 5 more years before having to think about this, but that's not my reality. Prayerfully something with come to a head soon.
