Thursday, January 31, 2013

Give To Get

I've been obsessing lately over the lack of romance in my marriage. It's consuming my every thought and breathe. More than hubby knows. But with the help of a tweet, I just had an aha moment. (This is the first time twitter has made my life. Put a little effort into it and magical things happen.)

"The key for both sides is to do what's needed to have the other side wanting to offer... whether it be sex or romance." - Tweeter that shall remain anonymous

Hubby and I went on a date the other night, and although he tried by opening up the car door on 2 occasions, the romance fell flat. But I don't want to harp on what he didn't do. Instead I want to talk about that quote... I was told that a man's idea of romance is sex. yes, very basic and to be expected. A woman's idea of romance has very little to do with sex and can take an unlimited number of forms. Whatever the form, as long as the woman feels like she's the most beautiful and most special woman in the universe, romance has been accomplished.

The problem in my house, (here's where the quote comes in) is that neither of us have the other side wanting to offer what each other needs. Hubby doesn't do anything that makes me want to offer sex. And I don't do anything that makes him want to offer romance. I have relations with him because I know I need to in order to keep my man and whenever the urge hits me. Hubby romances me when... well. He romanced me when he was trying to become my one and only. In the here and now? Not so much.

So now that we're 3 years in, and the romance is gone and relations are by obligation or by my need, I'm finding that that quote will be my inspiration for a better relationship. And it's not that our relationship is all that bad because we've been doing very well lately. It's just that I have a need that is not getting filled. I'm 99% sure that he'll say the same thing of me. The danger of not fulfilling each others needs could be detrimental. An extra marital affair, the-needle-that-broke-the-camels-back argument, or all out disappointment in our marriage.

Deep down inside though, I find it hard to be the one to start this giving process. It's a very complex thing to give of yourself intimately when you don't feel cherished. Yes, he'll say that he cherishes me. But I don't FEEL cherished. We're best friends. We laugh. We can hang. I enjoy being with him. He enjoys picking on me. That's my homie. But does he make me blush? When he sings Carl Thomas' lyrics in the car ("I couldn't take my eyes off that girl for nothing. She looks like love. It felt so natural...I'm all caught up..."), I always get jealous of the air that he sings that too. If those words fell on me in all sincerity and genuineness that I can read from his eyes, I'd be putty in his hands.

But we're young. Relationships go through phases. At 28 and 30, being homies is what it's all about. We're hanging out with friends, we have no kids, we're having a whole bunch of fun. At 38 and 40, I'm hoping that the game changes up a bit. It seems like the older you get, the more you appreciate each other and see the beauty of the other.

But before I die of this lack, I have to figure out how to get it. Cause telling him just doesn't work.

1 comment:

T.a.c.D said...

i just picked up this book entitled "The Meaning of Marriage" I don't know if you can read it or would want to, but it deals with modern assumptions of marriage and how they can be wrong...I have heard a few people read it and i have picked it up myself

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