Black vs. White

I've been looking at a lot of photos of black couples lately. I love black love. But as a photographer, you have to watch that kind of stuff, especially if you wish for your portfolio to be published in part or full. I'm not too worried about this being that photography is just a hobby of mine. But even still, should I begin to shoot white people too?

There's an article floating out here about the lack of images of black couples. I agree with it. Other than Gabby & Dwayne, Beyonce & Jay-Z, LaLa & Carmelo and the Obamas, you don't have much. The article then went into interracial dating. If you didn't know, I'm one of those black women who see all these black men with non-black women and feel some kind of way. I perhaps can take seeing it sparsely, here and there. But when I see it in flux, my heart hurts. I guess it's about the realization that this decision that my black men are making is not rare, it's actually very common.

That leads me to something very interesting. My husband is starting to have a thing for white women. (Let's just pause there for a minute. Yeah, go on ahead and cock your head to the side. And then pause some more.) I'm not too sure how to take it because the whole white women crush thing he has going on might be a joke. MIGHT is the operative word. I'm not sure though. My husband plays too much and I'm gullible so you never really know. I'm teetering on the edge about it all though. Some time ago, we were talking about females that we think are beautiful and I named people like Jennifer Lopez, Paula Patton, Zoe Saldana, and Jessica Alba. Hubby pointed out to me that I didn't include any black people in my list. From then on, it's been a running joke that I don't think black people are pretty (which is absolutely false by the way). So just last week, hubby made a joke and said that he's beginning to see things "my way". Ugh. I think I just rolled my eyes. But as the joke continues and I hear his comments about Katy Perry and Taylor Swift, something just doesn't feel right.

It's funny how we have these "black love" photos floating out on the web of us right now. Very ironic. Who my husband perceives as beautiful is very important to me because I want to be beautiful to him.

I Wonder How People See Me

When I see Beyonce, a feeling of admiration comes over me. Not because she's Beyonce. Forget the celebrity part of it. I'm talking about the everyday, personal stuff. The natural, human element of her that she's allowed us to see. Out of all the celebrities I can think of, her personality and regular-ness appeals to me the most. I've gone to her tumblr page on a number of occasions since it's been up and I always get this feeling of calm and peace. This regular down to earth feeling. And then I wonder...how does this girl with an extraordinary life keep it so regular and so together? Allow me to explain because those are two separate things. 1.) How is she not a total diva in her personal life considering the worldly power she has? and 2.) How does she maintain this friendly, upbeat, girl next door pleasantness about her while living in the midst of crazy schedules and paparazzi? I see so much when I look at everyday pictures of her. She's strong. There's no other way of putting it. And she knows who she is. Celebrity doesn't disrupt her. And she experiences and learns everything. Maybe it's because she has the opportunity to.

And so, I wonder how people see me. I wonder this even more so right now because I feel aBSolUtelY crazy inside. I don't know what's happening to me but my mood swings are on some extreme stuff. Well I do know what's happening to me. I'm off birth control after a 2+ year run and my hormones are different. I am 100% off balance and feel quite a bit unstable if I'm honest. But do I appear to be calm?

I want to soak up the inspiration I get from B. The sense of lightness and joy and love. The sense of friendliness and peace. I feel like I need a master class from her. How To Live Unphased And Still Be Present And Experience Love. Cause she definitely has the secret. I'm a fan of her PERSON, if that makes sense.

On a separate topic, I'm discovering an insecurity of mine... Being emotionally a mess probably has lent itself to this realization. It's funny because when my hormones are in check, I really don't have anything to say. Life is good. But when they're not in check, the floodgates break loose. Anyway, my insecurity...ugh. Never mind. I don't think I can type it. Anyone who reads this is going to think I'm insane. Let's just put it this way. I don't accept compliments very well on my looks. I'll leave it at that.

Changing subjects really quickly. I'm starving! What's for lunch?