Thursday, April 26, 2012

I Wonder How People See Me

When I see Beyonce, a feeling of admiration comes over me. Not because she's Beyonce. Forget the celebrity part of it. I'm talking about the everyday, personal stuff. The natural, human element of her that she's allowed us to see. Out of all the celebrities I can think of, her personality and regular-ness appeals to me the most. I've gone to her tumblr page on a number of occasions since it's been up and I always get this feeling of calm and peace. This regular down to earth feeling. And then I does this girl with an extraordinary life keep it so regular and so together? Allow me to explain because those are two separate things. 1.) How is she not a total diva in her personal life considering the worldly power she has? and 2.) How does she maintain this friendly, upbeat, girl next door pleasantness about her while living in the midst of crazy schedules and paparazzi? I see so much when I look at everyday pictures of her. She's strong. There's no other way of putting it. And she knows who she is. Celebrity doesn't disrupt her. And she experiences and learns everything. Maybe it's because she has the opportunity to.

And so, I wonder how people see me. I wonder this even more so right now because I feel aBSolUtelY crazy inside. I don't know what's happening to me but my mood swings are on some extreme stuff. Well I do know what's happening to me. I'm off birth control after a 2+ year run and my hormones are different. I am 100% off balance and feel quite a bit unstable if I'm honest. But do I appear to be calm?

I want to soak up the inspiration I get from B. The sense of lightness and joy and love. The sense of friendliness and peace. I feel like I need a master class from her. How To Live Unphased And Still Be Present And Experience Love. Cause she definitely has the secret. I'm a fan of her PERSON, if that makes sense.

On a separate topic, I'm discovering an insecurity of mine... Being emotionally a mess probably has lent itself to this realization. It's funny because when my hormones are in check, I really don't have anything to say. Life is good. But when they're not in check, the floodgates break loose. Anyway, my insecurity...ugh. Never mind. I don't think I can type it. Anyone who reads this is going to think I'm insane. Let's just put it this way. I don't accept compliments very well on my looks. I'll leave it at that.

Changing subjects really quickly. I'm starving! What's for lunch?


T.C. said...

do you let people see you? sounds funny, but do you let people just see you and love you for who you are regardless if its crazy or not. I think we see pics of Bee that she wants us to see...she isn't always composed i am sure, I am sure she has her moments as any other woman does, but she is around people that LOVE HER FOR HER so regardless that unconditional love gives her the peace that she shows...

I don't think you are crazy I think you are HUMAN and human beings have a range of emotions and feelings but being OK with who you are is what gives you peace and i think that's her secret she is simply OK with who she is

I haven't learned that fully myself either, but i am on my physical, espcially here lately is ALWAYS a topic of confersation, whether it was i was too big and now, wow look at how small you are getting...its an issue for me, I am too loud, or to strong, or not strong enough...

the older i get the more i am like *shurgs* that's your issue not mine...those that love me for me do, those that don't...well they don't and that's OK because everyone has a place somewhere in your life...

it takes time, but it happens to the BEST of us, just when you think you got it, you realize you don't...

I think Bee is ok because she realizes she doesn't have it ALL together and she's ok with that

knowing you are growing, i don't know it just gives you a sense of peace...ok i am done ranting

i do hope it's helped

Nixter said...

love your honesty! miss you!

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