Tuesday, April 24, 2012


I got ready for work in silence this morning. No tv. No music. Maybe that's why I started crying in the car while driving to work. I didn't start off the day right. When you're pms-ing, you HAVE to start off the day right. Crying for no reason is a part of the game though.

I feel scatter brained. I should have my dress for cuzzo's wedding by now, but I can't seem to get to the checkout. I look. I find something. But I never get to the checkout. I don't even feel like looking for those dresses again. Maybe I'm just being non-committal.

Work is non-stop. Not that I'm complaining. I like my job. But some days I want a 'free' day. You know...those days when you can just chill, read an article on cnn, check the gossip blogs. That kind of stuff. At least I have my music. I'm relying on my oldies channel on Pandora to calm me today. Get my emotions under control.

Speaking of emotions, I don't know if it's all pms. Maybe it is. But while in CT with my family, I got really emotional over the lack of attention I feel like I get from my mother. Maybe it was because that weekend it was all about Pooh. And it had to be! I mean she has blood clots in her lungs for goodness sake! But I think it awakened something in me that I've felt for a long time. Being the quiet one isn't always a good thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the background. I tried to explain that I feel like my personality doesn't lend itself to getting the best from my family. My sister, on the other hand, is very demanding. We started talking about the differences in our weddings, the differences in our lives. The fact that I know exactly which colors my mother thinks are prettiest on Pooh, but haven't the slightest idea what colors she thinks look good on me. But as usual, my mother got very defensive and said that my issues are my own and that I need to own them. And while I agree with that, it's not what I needed to hear. I already felt vulnerable for expressing my feelings. I already felt like a little child screaming for attention... Now my dad has texted me that he loves me 2 times this week. There's no doubt that mom shared our conversation. I know my parents love me. I know they try to do their best where I'm concerned. I alss know that I don't demand very much even though I often want more. I want a wedding on the top of a skyscraper overlooking an evening sky, but I get the old firefighter house. Sometimes I just wish that mom knew me. And I know she does. But I wish she knew me and acted on her knowledge more. Maybe looked at me as not being as strong as she sees me. Sometimes I wish that I spoke up more and had an ounce of the personality traits that my sister has. But then I wouldn't be me. I know I know. Boy I sound pathetic. I'm not as strong and put together as many think I am. But once I get past this pms, I will be again! Never doubt that. I'm going to look back on this and laugh in a few days. "What were you thinking?!" I'm going to say. That's if I choose to look back.

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