My Truth

I know something about myself. If my job is stressful, my whole life is stressful. When my job is overwhelming, my life is overwhelming. When things are tough on the job, I can't think and there is no peace. It plays that much of a role in my life. My job affects me in a manner far more than I wish it to. That's just the way it works for me. And it's understandable being that I spend more time at work than at home. The majority of my days alive are spent on the job... When I think about that last sentence I just typed, I feel disgusted because this was not the way our lives were intended to be. Our only 'job' is supposed to be living in Jehovah's wonderful creation, subjecting creatures of the land to ourselves, and procreating. That's it.

But since imperfection prevails and our original purpose has been thwarted by sin, I need to figure out what to do. What truly makes me happy has nothing to do with work. Going to the theatre, listening to music, being outside in the sun, writing while laying in the grass, capturing beauty with a camera lens, exploring new destinations, learning about new ways of thinking, making things look lovely... That what makes me happy. How to translate that into a job that doesn't stress me out, that allows flexibility, allows me to experience something new everyday, and that provides me with enough income seems impossible. The idea of looking for another job that fits me...Ugh. Stressful. I truly believe it doesn't exist. I've had this same conversation with myself for 10 years now. I've had this same battle for TEN whole years. A DECADE. And as a result, I've bounced around from job to job in pursuit of something that I can't find.

I think I'm a flower child at heart but a corporate woman by mind. What I want most out of life is peace. I love beauty and breezes. I am attracted to the sun and happy faces. But what I've been engineered to do is manage projects, run meetings and administer systems. What really sucks about the whole thing is how well I play the corporate woman role. I play it so well in fact that managers and executives see it and push me harder until I get deeper and deeper into the web. It would all be so much easier if I sucked at my job.

I'm afraid of not having enough money. As frivolous and material as that sounds... That's why I'm afraid to pursue anything drastically different than what I'm doing right now. That's why I'm afraid to pursue what makes me happy. I've been tight with money and it is not the business. I haven't had those kinds of money issues in a while and I will admit that I'm extremely spoiled. I don't want to struggle financially. If I want a $300 dress for the assembly, then that's what I want. I'm entitled to that. ESPECIALLY after how hard I work. If I work a job that I enjoy, I find it hard to believe I'll even have $300 to buy a dress.

Some say that it's possible, but I don't believe them. I'll have to start out at the bottom all over again.

My current job is for someone who wants to climb the corporate ladder. It's for someone who wants to be seen. It's for someone who wants to be in the corporate "in" crowd. It's for someone whose life is their job.

I don't believe I should take the promotion. Yep. That's where this is leading me to. I think I'm finally coming into some clarity.

Finally.

Update: My mom read my blog and reminded me of this quote from the movie After Earth with Will Smith. “Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.” Now... how to actually incorporate this into my truth...Gotta mull that one over.

My Eyes Well Up

Today, I told my 18 year old grandson that nobody asked me to prom when I was in high school, so I didn’t attend. He showed up at my house this evening dressed in a tuxedo and took me as his date to his prom.

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O- blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin brother has O- blood. I explained to him that it was a matter of life and death. He sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to his parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took his blood and he asked, “So when will I die?” He thought he was giving his life for hers. Thankfully, they’ll both be fine.

Today, my 21 year old Labrador can barely stand up, can’t see, can’t hear, and doesn’t have enough strength to bark. But it doesn’t stop her from wagging her tail a mile a minute every single time I walk into the room.

Today, after I heard that my mom stayed home from work with the flu, I stopped by Wal-Mart on my way home from school to pick her up some canned soup. I ran into my dad who was already in the check-out line. He had 5 cans of soup, NyQuil, tissues, tampons, 4 romantic comedy DVDs and a bouquet of flowers. My dad makes me smile.

Today, my 75-year-old grandpa who has been blind from cataracts for almost 15 years said to me, “Your grandma is just the most beautiful thing, isn’t she?” I paused for a second and said, “Yes she is. I bet you miss seeing that beauty on a daily basis.” “Sweety,” my grandpa said, “I still see her beauty every day. In fact, I see it more now than I used to when we were young.”

source

Bliss

At this very moment, I should be working. But something has been nagging at me that I must record. A lot of times, we tend to remember the bad and not the good. We gravitate towards drama and live in the past. We blog or write or talk to others when there is something wrong. So in an effort to break from this mold, I've decided to write about this wonderful and amazing sense of bliss that I feel right now.

Last night, my husband put together a closet for himself. I noticed that there were wrappers and instructions and cardboard pieces all over the floor so I went downstairs to get a trash bag and tidy up his space. While trashing all the trash, I joked to him about how I don't want to see not another piece of trash on the floor now that he has this trash bag. We laughed. A little bit later, I came back and he just so happened to be peeling the plastic off another part for the closet. I almost walked away, but then came back to peak around the corner to make sure he put the plastic in the trash and not on the floor. Out of an effort not to be policed, hubby laughed at me and chucked the plastic right on the floor. I don't know why this was so funny, but we both laughed so hard as I ran up to him to physically accost him. "You ain't going to stand there and police ME." Even after that episode was over, I caught myself still smiling and giggling in the next room.

I love experiences like that. My marriage is so divine at this moment.

Have you ever met a friend who expands your mind? Well hubby and I have. We are currently 'dating' a new couple who we both absolutely adore. I say dating because we are always out together at a restaurant tasting new foods, enjoying stimulating conversation and wearing our best attire. We have had such amazing conversation. They have introduced us to restaurants that blow my mind. Little lounges and bars that are tucked away. Next on the dating agenda is the ballet at the Kennedy Center and a weekend trip to NY. What I like about them most of all is the effect they have on my man. The ballet, frolicking around NY, going out on a weeknight...all activities my hubby did not enjoy are finally interesting to him. His mind is open and I'm loving it.

In general, without the effect the new couple, my husband is growing. He's maturing. He's becoming wise. He's enjoying life. He's enjoying me. He's no where near the man that I married. I'm falling in love with him all over again.

I did have an awkward moment with my sisters this weekend. My longest and closest friend turned sister and I have a strange relationship. We talked through it yesterday, but even within the weirdness and the possibility that an area of my life might not be perfect, my world is still so amazing. I believe the balance of other areas of my life are making me capable of handling anything right now. Having happiness I can cling to makes difficulty not so bad.

I've always wanted a life were my weeks don't blend it to the other. I've always wanted to be outside and to explore new sites and sounds. I've wanted a man in my life who is open minded, cultured, funny, interesting and loving. I've wanted to be involved in fiend relationships that are easy. I've always needed an element of peace.

I can say at this very moment, I have all of that. That's my definition of living. Thus, the quality of my life is amazing. And I must document this.  

2013 in Review

UPDATE: I FORGOT TWO IMPORTANT THINGS!

I feel like I need to write a post about my year in review, but I can't remember half of what happened in 2013. It's all a blur. One year simply fades into the next. But from looking at my 2013 calendar, here's what I could compile about the year.

Bought a new car.
My husband sold his condo from the bachelor days.
I did a handful of photo shoots and interior design consultations for friends.
Had a great district convention.
Went to a couple of concerts.
Formally recognized myself as a photography and design consultant.
Signed up for the Regional Building Committee.
Adopted the most adorable puppy.
Designed and built a closet in one of the spare rooms.
Had a relaxing family reunion vacation.
Built a wonderful relationship with a new couple.
Participated in a few beautiful photo shoots with hubby.
Witnessed the release of a new Bible translation!
Went to CT and NY with my family.
Got out of jury duty.
Did some territory assist field service.
Traveled to San Francisco for work.
Went on a cruise to the Bahamas.
Partied and had dinners and outings with all kinds of friends.
Ended the year in Alabama with my family (grandfather, grandmother and uncle included!).

I'd say I had a very fulfilling year. The highlight of it was being with friends in all different kinds of capacities (shows, concerts, anniversary parties, restaurants, gatherings at each others houses, etc.) and doing more for Jehovah while witnessing Jehovah doing so much for me. Serving in a territory that needs assistance and signing up to help build Kingdom Halls makes me feel happy. Being a part of a special program in which we are given a new Bible... there are no words to sum up how incredibly historic it was. I was so honored to witness that.

Next year, I look forward to continuing my friendships and having even more great dinners, outings, gatherings, etc. Becoming one with the new Bible that I received is imperative. I so badly want to show my appreciation for this gift, but have such a hard time doing daily Bible reading. So I want to try hard, very hard, to make it happen. I want to go back to sitting in the front of the Kingdom Hall so as to block out distractions. By maintaining my spiritual focus, I know I'll have an even better relationship with my husband than I did last year. Continuing to grow with him is exciting as well. My husband is my best friend and my boo, so doing everything with him is my desire while still allowing time separately. Speaking of 'separately', I need to figure out how to do something. On a daily basis during the week, I am either working or trying to recuperate from working. There's no in between and there's nothing else. Work, recupe, work, recupe. I feel like I don't have much personal happy time during the week. There's no reason why spontaneity and fun has to be restricted to the weekend. So that's what I want to try to do for myself. Find energizing, happy, fun, spontaneous moments during the week. Yeah, that sounds good.

If anyone is reading this, what have you learned about yourself in 2013 and where do you see 2014 taking you?

Defining Success

You know what? I had to take a moment and blog this. I'm having an aha moment. I've been doing some recreational reading lately and there are a bunch thoughts I've come across that are hitting me. This is one of them....

This is what I wanted. When I was praying and dreaming about a successful life, this is what I prayed for. So I'm glad to take the moment to reflect back on what I asked for and to see that I really do have exactly that. A good marriage, a beautiful house, an approved relationship with Jehovah, a comfortable financial standing and more. I know that I get so focused on what's not right and where I need to be that I don't appreciate the here and now. I'm sure that if the person I was 5 years ago was looking at me right now, she'd be happy. So here I am being happy for the here and now. I've worked hard to attain to my goals and have traveled on a wild journey to get here. A journey I don't regret... It was all worth it because I've created the life that I want for myself and couldn't be more proud.

Showered With Love

I had the honor of photographing my good friend Tiffany's "Brunch At Tiffany's" vintage inspired bridal shower. I'm glad I was able to capture moments of a very special day. Here are a few of the shots I'm gifting the bride. Enjoy!

Congratulations Tiff!

15 Days To Go!

It's starting! It's really happening and I'm getting really excited guys. I didn't expect to be this excited so this is truly a surprise. My bridal shower is in less than 4 days which marks the true beginning of wedding madness. Well, my mom and girlfriends might feel differently about when all the wedding madness started, but being on the sidelines for so long (willingly I might add), I finally get to come out and play! I'm sorta nervous too though. Being the center of attention makes my stomach drop, but I'll get over it. There aren't too many of these types of occasions in life. =)

I finally got a job. I am the new receptionist/administrative assistant at Optimization Consulting, Inc. No more high-powered jobs for me. I'm still rolling with the Director and CFO of the company, but this time it's different. I'm no longer responsible for determining the company's budget in 2 hours when such a task normally takes a week. The stress levels from my last three positions as Financial Analysts, Staff Accountant, and Ad Revenue Analysts are night and day compared to what I do now. Ironically, I feel more powerful and in control now than I ever have. When the CFO picked up the set of binders I made for the insurance paperwork today, he said "Where have you been all my life?!" I'm not sure how anyone could mess up putting binders together, but hey, I'll take it. The fact of it is that I'm 110% competent in this job whereas I was wrecking my brain to become 95% competent in the others. I was always praised for my work, but this time, I'm fully confident. This time, I feel like I could run the world. This job is doing amazing things for my confidence. I even dress differently now. The heels are back on, I'm pulling out jewelry I haven't worn in ages, and my hair has been styled differently for the last three days I've been around the OCI staff. It's amazing what changes can do for you. There's this one lady on the staff who always seems to look at me over the tip of her nose as if I'm a nobody. But it's cool. I just smile.

I'm reading a book called "Becoming the Woman God Wants Me to Be" by Donna Partow. AWESOME book. It covers the capable wife scriptures in Proverbs all the way from my faith foundations to healthy eating to personal appearance to household management. I'm supposed to read one chapter a day as it's "a 90-day guide to living the Proverbs 31 life". I hope that I can keep it up because I already can see the benefits of the book. While stepping into the role of wife, it'll help me in ways unimaginable. I just know it. I keep cheating by shuffling around to different chapters but I'm going to start the book right on Monday since that's what it tells you to do. It says that I need a personal notebook, a monthly calendar, tab dividers and pocket pages. The book even has worksheets in the back on menu planning/grocery shopping, debt reduction strategy and Bible study. I'm excited!

Did I mention that I got hired to write for District Bride Guide? Your local DC wedding resource? It's actually a volunteer position, but I'm happy that I was chosen out of a number of applicants to be a part of a blog that will give me opportunities to put my work out there. I have a regular spot on Fridays to write about the human side of weddings. You know... the emotions, the uncomfortable situations, the stressed out relationships... I offered to write about that because I've had my fair share of ups and downs around my wedding. The experiences that I've had are going to help others, so I'm grateful.

I did quite a bit of personal Bible study last night before trekking down to Waldorf to find a vase for the wedding reception. Arriving home a mere 15 minutes after clocking out of the job helps to get much done in the afternoons. =) Anywho, I was so moved while considering the role that prayer has in a Christian's life. My weekly Bible studies with one of the sister's in the congregation has compelled me to dig deeper into things. I like meeting with her. Now that I'm working, we have to re-arrange our study times, but I'm looking forward to expressing how I feel about prayer with her.

So... life is totally good. I have not one complaint which I am so happy about. I'm actually tearing up right now. Gosh. Things have been so hard. So so so hard. And now... Wait... Let me get it together. I can't cry at work. Lol. Number one rule - Never Cry At Work. (A rule I broke all the time at my last job.) Deep breath... Ok. I'm good now. Jehovah has truly taken care of me. (Starting to cry again... smh.) All the pieces of my life are falling into place in a way that I could have never imagined. I am so happy. I'm back to being me, I'm not stressed out about work, my studies with others and on my own are going well, counseling is opening my eyes, my relationship with my mom is great again, my sisters are warm with love, and I'm getting married in 15 days. I feel like Jill Scott in the first "Why Did I Get Married" series when she was telling her girls about the love she found and transformation she made while staying in Colorado with Troy. I'm so full. My heart is bursting with joy. I pray that I always remember this feeling. THANK YOU JEHOVAH.

Single And Satisfied

This was the longest week of my life. Every single day that I woke up, and realized it wasn't Friday, felt like the death of me. So, in the spirit of Friday (THANK JEHOVAH), I thought I'd share something nice with all the single sisters out here in this crazy world. =) Essence did one of their 'this-is-actually-really-good-advice' posts again, which I appreciate. "Single & Satisfied? How To Live Your Best Live With or Without A Man" I really really really hate to admit this, but I had a one minute, no... ten second actually... whining fit this week regarding my single status. (You know I can't give it that much time!) I know everyone goes through that, but I try to suppress it as much as possible. lol. So to all the single sisters out there, continue to be as fabulous as you already know you are! And let me know what your favorite piece of advice is, or what you would like to work on! Enjoy and happy Friday!

Cheers To You
You’ve asked and we listened! Not every woman is pining after a man, nor should she be. But honestly, we all want someone to share life’s ups and downs with, right? What is a single sister to do? Keep reading our Single & Satisfied Guide for starters. We’ve got tips from experts and real women on living your life like it’s golden (because it is) with or without a man.
You’re welcome.

Don’t Put Your Life On Hold
“He’ll show up on God’s schedule—not yours. In the meantime, continue to enjoy life. Expose yourself to all sorts of experiences. Laugh often and love a lot. Strive to be a person who loves life and wants to share life with someone else. It’s the energy of a well-lived life that your soul mate will be attracted to,” advises Dr. Suzan D. Johnson Cook, author of “A New Dating Attitude: Getting Ready for the Mate God Has for You (Zondervan).”

Smile Bright
Showing off your pearly whites seems like a no-brainer, but being happy and showing it makes a bigger impact then you realize. Whether out with friends or walking down a quiet street, smile a little, and let others be drawn to your light.

Solo Escapes

“I have a great apartment in a fabulous city, great friends, I like to go out but I enjoy my Netflix nights too. I have lived in Germany and have traveled to places like Greece and Denmark. My current love is my new puppy, Dynamite!” exclaims Ronda T., a 37-year-old happily single sister in Los Angeles.

It Starts With You
“We place a lot of attention on what the other person should be like. But how do we get in a state of readiness to be with that person? While it’s important to seek specific qualities in a partner, not enough of us spend time on our own spiritual development. When I was ready to be married, I went on a prayer fast, setting aside time [away from daily activities] for personal growth,” says Cook.

Girl Talk
We all know her. She has the handsome, loving, corporate exec husband and never seems to complain about her marriage. But chances are if you take some time to find out what her day to day life is like instead of assuming, you’ll learn that it isn’t nearly as perfect as you think. That husband travels all the time, constantly works late and leaves her at home by with the kids regularly. Or maybe not. Bottom line, the grass always looks greener.

Living Single
Before Carrie Bradshaw and her crew rocked New York in “Sex and the City,” the ladies of “Living Single” highlighted the highs and lows of the single life. Having girlfriends who have your back never goes out of style.

Where My Girls At?
“Cherish your true friends. While you’re single you have more opportunity to build and nurture those friendships then you do as an attached woman. Your partner can’t be all things to you. Those friendships will help you sustain your union,” says Angela R., 51, who has been happily married for 22 years.

Engage in the Extra-curriculars
Being single gives you prime opportunities to engage in activities that you enjoy…by yourself. Love to cook? Why not register for a culinary class at your local community college to perfect your chef skills. Want to conquer your fear of the water? Sign up for a swimming class at the neighborhood YMCA. Not only are these excellent ways to past your time but you just might meet a new cutie pie there.

Stay True to Yourself
“I was really happy being single when I stopped trying to be something I wasn’t. When you’re happy you attract happy people. It’s funny because even in a relationship you have to remind yourself of that,” says Jayme G., 28, of Plainflied, New Jersey, who has been exclusive with her boyfriend for the past two years.

Have Faith
We know it’s frustrating to hear sometimes, but things do happen exactly when they are suppose to. “Remember that your soul mate is on his own journey. Be confident that a man who knows what he wants and where he is going will meet you halfway,” says Dr. Suzan D. Johnson Cook.

Enjoy Your Solo
From weddings to cruise vacations, recognize the great company you are and go to places you want to . . .alone. You can have a fabulous time, and have a better chance of coming away with new friends as you work the room.

Date, Date, Date!
Did we mention you should date? Every man you grab dinner and movie with doesn’t have to be your future husband or Denzel Washington. Go out. Live a little. Kiss a few frogs. Part of the beauty of being single is having the opportunity to experience new things with as many people as you please since you are not attached to one particular man. Enjoy and remember variety is the spice of life!

Happiness Is A Journey
Remember when your Granny told you that the happiest people don’t have the best of everything, they just make the best of what they have? Well, Granny was onto something. Think about it, don’t you know someone who earns a lot less than you yet still manages to always look fly, take fabulous trips and make their situation work for them—despite not having a huge paycheck? The same applies to your love life. The only thing that is consistent in your life is you. Work with what ya got.

Create Your Own Timelines
Ever since you turned 30 Auntie Ruth has been pestering you about finding a “good man” and not becoming an old maid. Well, politely tell Auntie Ruth that while you appreciate her concern, you’re not on anyone’s schedule but your own.
“Regardless of the not-so subtle hints thrown at us during the six years that we were dating and the three years we were engaged, my husband and I got married when we were supposed to,” says newlywed Pamela Christiani. She adds, “I wasn’t interested in rushing anything.”

My Girlfriends
The trials and tribulations that can come with marriage were highlighted on “Girlfriends” with Mya (Golden Brooks), right. Joan (Tracee Ellis Ross) on the other hand was filled with lists on everything from how long she needed to know a man before marrying to the number of months to wait to have sex. Losing strict guidelines frees you to enjoy people for who they are, a lesson Joan finally learned.

Don’t Stop Being Sexy…For You
Feel sexy in the skin you are in and continue to wear your cute lingerie, splurge on those sky-high stilettos or seductive perfume for YOURSELF.

Do You
If you have the perfect date idea, there is no reason to wait until a mystery guy shows up to do it. Do the things you love, from painting to cooking, and enjoy meeting people with similar interests.

Need Male Energy?
Don’t neglect your male friends and colleagues. Enjoy the company of men from the UPS guy dropping of a package to your friends from college.

Your Time to Shine
The more time you spend falling in love with yourself will enrich every other relationship in your life. So to all the single ladies, enjoy working the dance floor, keep your head high and stay open to a bright future ahead.

Joy

I've been taking B-Complex vitamens everyday for about 2 weeks and I have to say that it makes a difference. I originally bought them so that my behind wouldn't get so testy during PMS, but taking my 9am dose has extremely improved my mood and attitude. I haven't been moody in 2 weeks! My spirits are insanely high and I feel like I'm walking on air. I understand that what I'm describing sounds like I'm high, but I'm not. Or maybe I am. Vitamens are supposed to pick you up right? Regardless, my energy levels are fantastic. Last night, someone said that I looked like I was glowing and jovial. That's exactly what I'm going for. I'm so not stressed, and it shows! My spirits are souring.




Today's the beauty sale at work. Everything will be under $5. It's going to be so much fun. My cousin and aunt have already sent me on a mission for certain products so it's a good thing that I'm going into the fashion department early. (They made us schedule appointment times to shop to avoid crazed masses of women fighting over a bottle of Chanel nail polish.) I don't really NEED anything per se, but you know how that goes. I could always use more nail polish and perfume. What the fashion department REALLY needs to have is an accessories sale. Shoes, bags and jewelry. Now THAT would be something.




Speaking of work, how is it possible that I'm still in love with my job 10 months in? Usually I become bored or someone/something about the everyday job presses the wrong button, but this time around, it's perfect. There's not thing that I would change. What I like most about working at Essence is that it allows me the room to be me and find me. While we're still corporate, other jobs have been very stiff or conservative or just plain ole white. But here, I'm able to breathe. I can plaster my wall with pictures of beautiful brown ladies and not get the side eye. I can wear my hair naturally curly and not become a spectacle. I can say "hey girl!" to my co-worker and not be tagged as 'the urban girl'. I can present sales numbers in meetings and not be the young girl who doesn't know what she's talking about. It's just so easy here. AND (this is a bonus for me), the work's not easy. I'm mentally stimulated almost everyday. It helps that I adore the product as well. (In my humble opinion, Essence and Uptown are the best African-American magazines out there.) And then to be surrounded by so many intelligent and beautiful strong woman... I can go on all day. I just have to thank Jehovah God for putting me in this place. I prayed for it with all my might, and like a Father true to His word, He made it possible.




I'm just so happy with my life. It couldn't be more perfect right now. There's no drama. I have different buckets of friends all over the city that I love. I'm enjoying life without obligations to a man or children. I feel beautiful from the inside out. I'm doing what I love. And I'm partaking in my side passions. I'm trying to be very careful to remember this feeling though, because we can take moments of joy for granted. When I'm 30, stressed out with kids, a husband, and other annoying things of life, I'll be able to think back, remember this feeling, and pull it forward to brighten my day and perspective. Prayerfully, this state of joy will never abandon me, but that's up to me and my mental state, right? Think happy thoughts and you shall be happy!