Ran-dumb Thoughts

There once was a girl

Who wasn't feeling quite right

Her attitude was poor

And the world was less than bright

But then she went to happy hour

And had a ciroq and OJ

That one drink hit her hard

And everything in the world was OK

Lol

Yeah that's how I feel right now

All you need is a happy hour

And then everything is right again

Sure the fix might be temporary

But I actually talked through this one

Got to some deep rooted issues

So I actually killed two birds with one stone

Nice going j.a.c.!

I'm sitting in the bed

In my purple chemise

Listening to a preview of Ollusion

Omarion's new album for those who are unaware

I've always been a fan of this boy

Any man who can dance and hold a tune like him

Is surely alright with me

Until he does something stank

Like A. Keyes

I thought she was alright with me

But she is involved with a married man

Dang girl!

Couldn't he at least get divorced first?

Separation doesn't mean squat!

If you want to minimize the ghetto-ness

Wait until he's divorced!

With her reach for the sky, help a child self

Palease

My parents are in their room listening to new kingdom melodies

Trying to figure out what I'm walking down the aisle to

How come I can't drop it low down the aisle?

Do a little twerk and a pop?

That would be fun

Lol

I'm going to loosen up more

Like I am tonight

Inject some life into my world

Get a couple of needles and pump myself up

I'm feenin for some life

Shaking like an addict missing a fix

My hair needs to be done again

I should do it tomorrow

That way I can be ready, set to go

Just in case

The new year is coming in

I want to start it off fresh

I need to shop

But I'm holding off because of this wedding

But I really need to shop so I can do it up

Do you know I don't own a pair of classic black boots?

Gasp!

How can I not have a practical pair of boots?!

And most of my jeans are too short for heels

What a disgrace

Anyway, let's move on

My fiance doesn't like it when I talk about shopping

He doesn't say it, but I know it

He wants me to keep my eye on the more important things

Yeah, I know

But I really do need some things

It's hard being a female!

Speaking of the fiance, he's at the gym right now

Trying to beef up

Get some muscles back on that body of his

His muscles back in the day scared me

It was too too much

Now he's as skinny as a toothpick

It's marvelous how he can go back and forth without problems!

I'm as skinny as a toothpick too

Apparently I've lost weight, so I'm trying to re-gain

Just in time for my wedding

It's sleepy time

I can feel it in my bones

Nigh!

Why 42% of Black Women are single- ABC Nightline

• Don't these women live in ATL? They should know better. If they want to get married so bad, they need to move. Perhaps they should try increasing their chances of meeting a STRAIGHT, black man.
• No date in 10 years!? Come on sis. Something has got to be wrong with YOU.
• Why does this seem like a black woman's problem? So Latinas, whites, and Asians don't have an issue?
• I don't think I ever want to see a topic like this introduced by a caucasian female. Something about it doesn't feel right. "And now, here are the sad, pitiable, black women who can't find husbands."
• Seriously though, the whole story is not being told. Do these women have nasty attitudes? Do they have serious character flaws? No woman as beautiful as those 4 are, can get away with being manless for 10 years if everything is on the up and up. I'm just sayin...

My New Stalk Victim

There is something about this girl. Zoe Saldana screams class.

96 Days

I read a blog about the single mother phenomenon we see in our society and how married woman sometimes feel guilty for having a husband, when so many do not. I had to think about that for a second seeing as how I'll be married in 96 days. Would I ever feel so guilty about having a husband that minimize what I truly have by calling him "my man"? I immediately answered my own question with a 'heck no' but I'm starting to re-evaluate.

I don't talk about my wedding a lot. There isn't much to talk about because everything is being handled so smoothly, but even so, I choose not to talk about it unless someone asks me. Why is that? I definitely am excited and I really enjoy being a bride-to-be, but sometimes I feel it's...what's the word?...inconsiderate, yeah that's it. I feel it's inconsiderate of other people's feelings to be too happy about it. I'm probably putting all of this in my head on my own but most of my immediate acquaintances and friends are single ladies who desperately want to put this whole god-awful dating game behind them and be married. I was there. Hating each and every minute of the back and forth dating crap, wishing I could pass it all and be married. I remember hearing that so and so was getting married and he is the perfect man and there are no more like him. I remember the agony. It's simply not fun.

So now I'm on the other side of the spectrum. 110% happy. Feeling like I lucked out and was swept off my feet by the last knight in shining armour out here in this debased world. How could I wallow in the depths of my pre-marital bliss? It's not like I'm the type of girl to really wallow, but something does hold me back from speaking about it. It is what it is though. Even if some of my single ladies told me it was okay, I'd still have this thing about it. One thing I know for sure is that misery loves company and it takes a lot to be truly happy for someone else when you're doing all you can to be happy for yourself. Feel me?

A New Plan

Ok. I'm going to get it together starting tomorrow. I talked to JennWill and she made me do it. Here's the plan. First I need to get my act together and stop looking like a boy. So a nice outfit, a bubble bath, painted fingernails and a washed head of hair should do the trick. Next, I need to start taking strides to find friends. I need more JennWill's in my life and I realize that I'm not going to find them by sitting on my butt. I have to go out and mingle. Girlfriends are so important. It's not that I haven't enjoyed spending every waking minute with my fiance, but I'm beginning to feel like I have no outside connections to the world. I need some estrogen in my life. After that, I'm going to find a life. I keep saying this but I need to have my separate j.a.c. things. My photography, my dance, my this, my that. I've talking about seeking a certificate in something artsy and creative for the longest time. Perhaps I should follow through at some point. It's hard to maintain yourself when you're so deep in love. Remembering that you are a separate human being with separate needs, likes and desires is a challenge. There's a balance out there that I have not yet found, but I must. I have to take control of my life. My fiance and I can't stare at each other forever.

Fancy Free vs A Tub of Lard

I feel like I'm wading through lard. I don't even know how my fingers have the strength to type at this moment. Everything recently seems so hard. Waking up is a task, sitting without caving is hard, and the train ride..that's the worst. God must have been looking out for me today though because I wasn't caved into a corner like I usually am. Large black, grey and brown winter coats and heavy boots weren't stomping around me to make me feel smaller than small. This time there weren't any mounds of bodies to fight through. Bodies that weigh on average 10 pounds more than they do in the summer because of thick winter materials such as wools, down and shearling. This time it was just me.

My fiance asked me how long I've been feeling like this. I really don't know. And I don't have the energy to figure it out. All I know is that I feel extremely heavy. Everyday that I wake up is a day that I'm pushing. I can't even tell you how I make it through. It's almost like my brain tells my legs to keep moving, and somehow I get there. I'm so exhausted. The train jerked today, and I nearly fell over while lacking the strength to keep myself stable. I feel extremely frail.

I wonder if my mother is right. She says that my lack of proper nutrition is holding me down. When I walked in the door last night, both her and Kacey said that I looked haggard. Gee thanks. But they were right, because I felt it. I felt like I could have caved on the foyer at any moment. But at least I made it home right? Spring and summer usually don't have me feeling like this. This is the first winter, however, that I've felt so drained. Never have I felt so downtrodden. I saw a couple on the train that were so fancy free. I was envious of their spirit. I want to be fancy free and light. Where can I buy some of that? I'm broke, but I'd be willing to sell everything I have for it. Feeling fancy free is priceless.

Few Random Notes

Wedding planning is moving right along. A co-worker who I see often, but don't really speak to, asked how it was going as we were sanitizing our hands in the bathroom. No one has really asked me about the plans so I was happy to share. Hubby-to-be has almost completed the wedding website. He was originally working on a flash site because he wanted to be cooler than all the rest (rolling my eyes), but it was taking up too much time. Who wants to sit there and mess with html code when there are specially made free websites for this stuff?! [Right MJ?!] Future hubby has also gotten our wedding invitations and RSVP cards ready to go. I like them a lot. They look like us. Our wedding bands have been designed, so we'll probably go look at them and put a deposit down sometime next week. Things are moving right along!

Have you noticed the surge in hand sanitizer? There is hand sanitizer everywhere! There are bottles of the stuff everywhere at work...in the kitchen, in the bathroom as well as by the common area's photocopier. And to top it off, there's a hand sanitizer stand in the lobby of the office too. And then when you go to CVS or the grocery store, there's either a barrell of miniature sanitizers or a table display of the big bottles. I think someone is trying to tell us something. Sanitize Sanitize Sanitize!

Future hubby sent me a website of model homes to look at. I can't believe I'm over here looking at houses for my future family. It's so weird! I don't understand how I could feel this way, but I feel too young to be heading down this path. But we all know that's not true because when my the number of years I've been on this earth flashes before my eyes, I'm immediately shut down. Yep, it's definitely time. It's past time. Regardless, I can't even express to you how I feel about this next chapter of my life. I Am So Ready. I wish tomorrow was my wedding day. But then again, as David Tutera from the "My Fair Wedding" tv show said, i shouldn't wish the time before the wedding away because before I know it, it'll be over.


Ok, that's it for now.

Praying For A New Job

The "Discover A Career You Believe In" sign in the lobby haunts me. Everytime I see it, I wonder why I'm here. Little does the company know that if that sign keep staring me in the face like that, I'm going to discover my way right on out of here. Maybe that's why it's there in the first place - to get me moving. I've begun to incorporate my desire for a new job in my prayers. I've been really specific too. The amount of money, the flexibility, the type of job, the time frame, and the location. I probably should add in what type of people I'd like the work with. I'm so ready to get out of here.

When Are We Going To Play?

I'm getting married, but nothing's happening. It's so quiet and the air seems thin. Where are all the fun bridal activities that the bride-to-be gets to partake in. I've never really been one for the spotlight, but this time I kinda want to go for it. Whenever I've been singled out for something, I try to minimize it and do my best to make others feel like it's a big moment for them as well. I did that for my baptism. At least the best I could. Even though people came from afar and everyone was there for me, I turned it into a MJ and I can finally date thing. At least in my own head. Our two families came together for the first time that day as well. I was more nervous about meeting his mom than I was about my baptism. So as I was saying, it was about more than just me. There's a part of me that doesn't want to do that this time. Even though it's my husband-to-be's special day too, I kinda want it to feel like j.a.c.'s day. Actually, I want the stuff leading up to the wedding day to be all about j.a.c. The pampering, the girl's day/night out, the bridal shower, etc. That's the stuff I want a spotlight for. The wedding day though...I hope they look at him more than they look at me. lol. But I'm ready. I'm ready for the pre-wedding activities! Where are they? We have less than four months until the wedding and all I hear are crickets. Should I be doing something? Maybe I should plan my own single ladies get-together. Our local needs was about taking initiative in hospitality. The elder said that if we want more gatherings, initiate them! I thought that was kind of funny. Anyway, when will I begin to feel like a princess for a day? Is this pre-wedding period all about hard work and no play? I promise that if and when the playing happens, I won't try to downplay it. ;-)

10:48am Reflections

What do you do when your candles are burning thin

When your tears are trapped behind eyelids

When the pain you've grappled with doesn't die

When the light turns to terrifying darkness

They tell you keep pushing

Ask if there's anything they can do to help

Say that I've come further than I realize

Give me love to wrap around me like a blanket

But if you aren't fine within

If you can't find the happiness

If your individual journey doesn't lead up

Then none of it matters

A song that's tugging on my heart strings right now. Corinne's debut after the untimely death of her husband. "I'd Do It All Again"

I Took The Day Off Today

When I opened my eyes, I reached for my phone and read the most encouraging message. So encouraging that I re-positioned myself up on my elbows to finish reading while halfway through. I wasn't expecting a comment, especially because no one reads blogs anymore, much less for someone to leave one that fit me so well. I read the message over trying to inhale every single word. They smelled too delectable to stop. Thank you Morgan.

So I propelled off of that wonderful, pick-me-up of a comment and wrote in my personal journal about 20 minutes ago. I think I may have moved one space towards that age of self-discovery that I feel is missing. Chances are that Morgan is right and it never left. But just now, I'm beginning to see the light of clarity.

When I was everywhere but home, I was out. Unlike being on this assembly line I call home, when I was away, I was mountain climbing and flower picking. Not literally of course, but I was extremely active and open. It's interesting that I used the mountains and flowers to express how it felt because I think to certain extent, being in nature and in the openness of California afforded me a lot. As a matter of fact, I know it did. I'm a nature girl at heart. I love to lay on a blanket in the park, drive with my sunroof open in order to see the beautiful clouds that are there for my enjoyment, and sit on the beach while listening to crashing waves. I think it's my connection with nature that spring-boards my stillness. And from that stillness comes thinking abilities that allow me to go inside, which in turn allows me to be so clear. Hmm. How deep is that? This is totally coming to me right now as I type this. So here's what it is. I rely on Jehovah's creation to find myself. Wow. Now that's a statement right there... Wait. Give me a minute to let that marinate... Yep. I thought it over and it's true. I remember when I used to drive up one of those mountainous hills in Long Beach, get out of the car, and sit overlooking the city for an hour or more. Not only was I able to gain clarity on a lot of personal things I was going through, but I was able to realize how perfect and vast God's creation is. How could you sit on top of a peak and not see God?

So where does this leave me now? Morgan said that I have a new age of self-discovery upon me. The discoveries of partnership, lover and best friend. It's interesting to note that everything I wrote above, I experienced as a single person. Well maybe not. I think I must have been dating at some of those 'up high' moments, but never to the point where I considered myself as one unit with the other. But after all that dating (well not ALL; I've only had 3 or 4 boyfriends) I'm finally about to be one body with a man I know is perfect for me. So yes. In essence, I was single. I've never had to share any of that stuff above with anyone. Nor do I know how to. Nor do I know if I have to. When I think about taking a moment to think, I certainly don't see another person in the picture. Should I? I went "flower picking" all by myself and loved it. For when I came back from "flower picking", I was ten leaps ahead from where I was when I started. What I think I'm trying to say is that space has afforded me growth. So now what do I do? My geographic location nor my relationship status can provide me with space. Oh wow. Lol. LMBO. Guess what my fiance' and I keep as a theme of ours? "No space between us." How ironic! Hmm... So wait. As the laughter fades from making that connection, I'm beginning to feel a little concerned. Sooooo..... Ummmm..... Ugh. I think I just put myself between a rock and a hard place. I have to think about this now.

Well... at least I'm thinking! And I have the day off to do it.

I Feel A Hole Inside of Me

I'm not okay.
But I don't want to complain.
What I do need to do is speak the truth.
Without my staples, loneliness can set in.
It's true that you don't know what you're missing until it's gone.
You don't know how valuable people are until you can't reach them.
But I should use this time for me.
Lord knows I could use it.
Still yet, I feel a bit lost in translation.
I don't know what to use the time for.
Nor do I want anyone to tell me.
This isn't where I want someone to jump in and 'fix it'.
My mind is very cloudy.
I haven't been clear for a very long time.
I remember a phase in my life when I saw everything like crystal.
Among westward sunny skies when I was me by myself.
In tune with myself, I was so peaceful.
I miss the absolute stillness that comes from clarity.
Absolute stillness.
When is there time for that?
You have to dig deep down and find that place.
It's within all of us.
But when you're ripping, you crowd out the time.
Since I moved home, I've been swallowed.
I fell right back in line.
Jumped straight on the conveyor belt and haven't stopped yet.
I checked back in to 'my place' in this town.
The daughter, the PG girl, the regular.
The regular.
I think that's the disappointing part.
I'm so used to being amongst the new.
Falling back into the regular halted my self-discovery.
Self-discovery should never end.
But now that I'm here, I'm not discovering anything.
I'm lost.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm not okay.

I Hate My Job

It's official. I hate my job. I tried not to admit it because then I would have to do something about it. But I can't fight it anymore. When I'm here, I'm down. When I'm on my way here, I'm down. I just hate this place. I cringe every time I get an email. And I'm definitely annoyed when someone calls. The work does nothing for me. It doesn't move me, excite me or inspire me. It's just pure work. I miss Essence. I miss believing in my profession.

Procrastinating

How come no one blogs anymore? I miss the days when blogworld was the scene...the place to be. I remember when I couldn't keep up with the number of new posts and comments on everyone's blogs. I think blogging has been punched in the face by twitter. I'm still not on that thing so I have no idea what the frenzy is and how it replaces blogs. All I know is that I miss the camaraderie of blogs. I miss sharing with people who actually read, care and comment.

My head hurts a little. I have this tough assignment to take care of and I'm procrastinating like I don't know what. Manual accruals. Yuck. It's the hardest thing on my list of to do's, and it usually takes a whole day to figure out. Nevermind the fact that it's already 1 something. I should at least get them started so that I can have them finished Monday. But... I just don't feel like it! My head hurts! It probably only hurts because I know I have to do them. It's only stress. I gotta push through.

I'm going to NY when I leave from work. I'm excited to go back to the city. If only it was to shop. I have a photography gig tomorrow that I'm a little nervous about because my viewfinder seems a little blurry which prevents me from taking the best shots possible. I really need to put my camera in the shop but who has money for that? I'm planning a wedding. Nevertheless, I hope the shoot goes well. I'll take more than the necessary so that I can cut what I need and hand over a nice package of shots. I need to figure out how to put a tag on all of my photos.
© 2009 j.a.photography. Perhaps my fiance can do that for me. I pray that I get a lot of really nice shots. I'm going to work hard on this one.

My engagement ring is getting on my nerves. I think it's because it's still too loose. I can't imagine wearing rings on my finger for the rest of my life. I usually take all my jewelry off when I go to bed. I'm tempted to take the ring off as well, but I know better. Before I know it, I'll be wondering where that gorgeous diamond ring went.

Can I take a nap right now? Goodness. I need to recharge before I start those accruals. Maybe I'll take another break after this break and get my mind together. If my energy is right, I can push through it. Only two and a half hours more to go. Actually, just two, cuz I think I'm going to leave a little earlier than intended. The bus to NY leaves at 5:30 and I want to be there 20-30 minutes early. So I guess I'll leave right before 4:30, go pick up dinner for the bus and be on my merry way.

I just had to unsnap my bra at my desk... Sorry for the TMI but it's been bothering me this entire time. I hate bras (and the itchy leg warmers called tights). Adam and Eve had it the best.

My girl Liz asked me if I was writing. I told her that I had no time. Now that I think about it though, I've written more in the last month than I have in a long time. I've been blogging more and I've even written quit a bit in my journal. I think I owe it all to the pending nuptials though. I finally had something to write about. It would be nice to write a story, poem or lyrics though, like I used to. That takes the patience, follow through and concentration that I just don't have right now. I love to write though. If I could write all day I would.

My parents are on their way to Africa. How exciting. I'm really happy for them. Experiencing the motherland for the first time, together as husband and wife...that's just wonderful. They'll be running around Capetown and Johannesburg, as well as doing a safari. What's very cool about the trip is that they get to do all of this with our international spiritual brothers and sisters. I can't wait until I get to attend an international convention. I think I'd either want to go to an island like Hawaii or do Paris and London. I'm big on traveling, even though I don't get to do it as often as I'd like, so traveling with delegates from congregations is a good way to go about it. I think. I haven't gone on one yet so who knows what freedoms are really allowed. If I can't visit the spa and go jet skiing, I'll have to take another trip back on my own. lol.

Okay. I'm really really tired. I'm going to the break room for a second. I might just need to come into work early on Monday. Have a good weekend!

Don't Know Why I Left

My iPod has been horribly stocked lately. I don't even listen the thing half of the time. All of this light pop stuff has got to go.

So I landed on Erro's blog today (haven't been there in a while) and was quickly transported into a world of music that I had forgotten all about. REAL MUSIC! Erro introduced me to so many new and not so new artists (Chinna Black who is one of Ms. Badu's backup singers, Ebrahim, Francis and the Lights, etc.) that I'm overwhelmed. I can't wait to re-do my iPod completely!

Here's a couple of videos/artists that I discovered today. They've been feeding me for the last couple of hours.

RE-Introducing Soul R&B and Hip Hop music. I don't know why I left.

A Modern Promise (music video) from Francis and the Lights on Vimeo.

My Wedding Dress

I found my wedding dress this past Saturday. You would think that I would be over-exciting. Extremely zealous. Overjoyed. Boosted. And so on. I'm not though. More than anything, I'm relieved. So relieved that I've exhaled more times than I could imagine. Finally, the dress is out of the way. You see, I have very specific tastes, and once I see the dress that I want in a magazine, which usually costs more than I could ever possibly dream of affording, it's kinda hard to lower my expectations. So I went to Mary's Bridal Boutique with my mother and the woman who made my flower girl dress 25 years ago thinking that it would be a waste of time. Mind you, I had never done the bridal boutique thing or had the experience of being greeted at the door, accepting a beverage, changing into a plush robe and browsing a full stock of beautiful wedding gowns. Mary's Bridal Boutique in Annapolis, MD did that for me and more. All of my fears and disappointment melted away while I was being taken care of. So much so that the first dress I tried on was THE dress. I went through a couple of others but everyone around me proclaimed that the first one was IT. I knew it too. I couldn't believe how easy it was. I'm all done. =) But how funny is this? Now that the dress is paid for, I don't want to see it anymore. If you would allow me to explain...I have a funny habit of changing my mind, soooo I think it best not to look at it, think about it or dream about it for fear of not liking it anymore. I'm really happy with my dress, so don't get me wrong. I just want to keep it that way. The next time I see this dress, I want to be as shocked as I was the first time I put it on. Until then, all camera phone pictures must be deleted. Feel me?

When I put the first dress on in the spacious, mirror filled dressing room, a wave of emotions came over me. I stood in the mirror and said "I can't believe I have a wedding dress on." I thought the day would never come.

A Lot Of Stuff

I'm in the middle of what they call a hair catastrophe. I need some sort of something bad. A slight fix. A bit of detail. Something to give it spunk. I haven't felt this drab in a long time. My hair has grown so it might be time to actually put the scissors to it and actually cut it into the bob that it's supposed to be. My bangs could use a good sharpening. You know how I feel in my current state? Average.

So it's been a while since I've actually taken the time to put down some words. So much has happened since I moved back home. In between the insanity of my job, my man escapades and the fam, I've had very little time to be creative. Diving into a position at The Washington Post was... *blank stare* ... I don't even know how to describe it. Let's just say that I had panic attacks, late nights and many many tears. I'm not even going to lie. I absolutely hated it. Knowing how valuable I was to the job, I even threatened by boss by telling her that I was going to leave. I've never worked so hard in my life. Since then, the situation has improved drastically. My manager created a new department and took me along with her, so I'm now safeguarded from all the tedious accounting and finance work that almost killed me. My boss loves me. You should have heard her during my evaluation meeting. I have never been praised so much in my life. She also gave me a bonus for going above and beyond. I don't mean to sound conceited but I am good ya'll! I never thought of myself as such, but I've been able to pull out some STUFF at TWP. I know very little people who could walk that torturous path, in heels nonetheless!, and make it through to the other side like I did. My self-confidence has improved drastically during my time here.

Now as for the 'man escapades' as I described them. Man. Who would have thought that I would move home, fall in love and be on my way to being a married woman in a few months? It was all so sudden, but all so wonderful. I'm not going to go into every little detail, so I'll drop a couple of highlights for you. First of all, when I met this man, I thought he was the dorkiest, goodie two shoes, string-bean-tall man that I ever met. He's still pretty much all of these things, except a good two shoes (he he he). You know all those stories of how the studdly prince comes and swipes the unexpecting damsel in distress off of her feet? Yeah that was pretty much how it happened. To this day, I will hold to the fact that I was bamboozled. One minute, I feel nothing for the strange nerdy boy in the corner, and then next, I am madly in love with a rock on my finger. I feel like I drank some special elixir, opened my eyes and BAM! It's truly a blessing. His affection runs so deep ya'll. It's not even a game. He doesn't call himself a romantic, but you should hear some of the words that come out of his mouth. Be still my heart! And that, my friends, is what happens when you stop living for yourself, and put Jehovah first. Blessings are plentiful.

What else is new? Oh! Cue Biggie... "I'm going going back back to [NY NY]." Yay!!!! I miss the big city. I miss the rush, the grittiness, the creativity in the air, the inspiration, and ironically, the bitter cold that slaps you in the face like an angry grandmother. I miss my spot, Tillmans, and I definitely miss the shopping. I can't really fluff my wardrobe here like I could in the big apple. Mainly because the good stores are so far away. It's a lot harder to dress here too because for a girl like me, I need other people's creative juices to thrive off. I like to see things that I like and combine them to make something that works for me. There's not a lot of fierceness here. On my worst days, my co-workers think I'm fierce. Good, but not okay. The compliments don't hold much weight when every one's wearing corduroys and flats all the time. I gotta get back to NY more often. Essence Magazine is having an alumni reunion soon in NY. I might just have to be there. I remember the days when running back and forth to NY from DC was no big thang. So why should it be now? (Shoot. Just checked the invite. It's on a Monday. Guess I won't be in attendance this time.)

I'm interested in making new friends. My life, although wonderful, is pretty much redundant. My fiance and I mix it up sometimes (we're going to see Kem and Will Downing this Friday in Bmore), but I need to reach out a bit more. I met a female this past weekend in Hampton that I know I could immediately click with, and it helps she's my fiance's best friend's wife, but... she's in Hampton. Not much we could do there. I really want to plan an end of 2010 vacay to include the couples I know of in the circle, but you know how you start things and never finish... Maybe this time it'll be different. Where should we go? Definitely someplace warm, but what's sorta inexpensive, quick, relaxing and fun all at the same time? Gotta get my travel agent Aunt on that one. Back to what I was saying at the beginning of this paragraph though. I need some new friends! Some settled or halfway settled, grown, responsible friends. This is not to say that I can't have single friends. I need a good mix of personalities, thought patterns, complexities, etc in my friend pool. I am however entering a new phase of life, and I don't really have any friends in the same phase as me. I feel like this means I'm getting old, but I know that's not the case. I did just turn 27 on Saturday... gasp...but I there are still plenty of wonder years ahead of me. Right? (Lump in my throat.) But yeah, I'm ready to grow. I'm ready for whatever's next.

Speaking of whatever's next, the fiance and I mentally designed our bedroom yesterday. We were speaking textured walls, amoires, adequate lighting, etc. I'm pretty excited to get into interior decorating. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time, but have had no interior to decorate. I've been sleeping on pull outs, couches and twin beds in other people's homes for way too long. Finally, and I do mean FINALLY, I will have a place of my own to call home in about 4 months. Even though I'll have a roommate (my husband to be), I'll be the head honcho shera in the building. I did have that kind of freedom in my apartment in Long Beach, but it was so temporary and so small that all I could do was turn around and squat. Since future hubby owns the condo, I have a lot more space to let the creativity flow and be me. It's all so exciting!

I have an hour and twenty minutes before I'm released from this prison called work. It's so pointless to be here right before the holidays. The office is always so empty, which makes the day move sooooo slow. I've checked ybf, concrete, mediatakeout, vsb, bossip, sandrarose and others multiple times today. There's not enough celebrity gossip in the world to keep me entertained right now. I am bored out of my mind and I'm almost mad that I have over an hour to go until I can leave. Of course there's work that could be done, but my work always consists of a couple of hours of non-interrupted concentration. I don't have the time or energy for that right now. I guess I could be taking care of some wedding planning, but I don't feel like that either. Who knows why I'm not stressed about any of it. I don't understand why they have to be such stressful affairs anyway. It's just an upscale gathering of friends and family. Take a regular gathering of sorts and dump a little more money and planning into the mix and Wa-La! Of course it's one of the most important days of my life, but it'll be special no matter what. I probably won't feel the pressure until a few weeks before the wedding. I have started looking for my dress though. You guys are going to laugh at me, but I found a dress for under $200 that I absolutely love. I have NO IDEA why it's so cheap but I'm about to order it and find out. It may work and it may not. My dress budget is $2K so I have the room to go in another direction, but I think it'd be pretty funny if I got a fab wedding dress for under $200. Anywho, my sister is in charge of the reception venue. We're supposed to have a conference call with her and my other sis tonight to hear what she's found under the budget my parents gave her. I'd be surprised if she found something chic and posh in the DC area within range, but you never know. A 6pm wedding on a Friday night in DC... No se' homie. Ain't no restaurant/lounge gonna wanna lose out on their liquor sales for the night. That means spending boo-koo money that we don't have. [Future hubby is calling. Hold please.] Okay...umm. So yeah. That's about all I have for the wedding right now. We're not having a wedding party which equates to no extra stress. Oh. I am pretty excited for the wedding rings. The jeweler is designing them now and should have the preliminaries to us this weekend. I thought I was against diamonds. I was wrong. Smile! I'ma find some spiffy invitations and let that be that. I know I'm over-simplifying, but dah well. I'm sure it will all be beautiful.

That's it for now I guess. I'm about to take the next 45 minutes to slowly pack up. Ha!

Cold Case Love - Rihanna

I am really feeling this new Rihanna song (click here). I'm sure this is going to be among my top favorites, if not favorite, when the album comes out. I'm sooo loving this. It's very honest and clear. Great job Rob Knox and Justin Timberlake.

Oh and by the way, this is totally unrelated but, I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!! =)

Today's Best Forms Of Creativity

You know how you come across things that near KNOCK You OUT!!!!
MAN!


This dress is so sick it made me want to cry.





And secondly.....OMARION!!!!!!!! Wooooooo Weeeeeeee! The KING of dance videos! This is not even right. TALENT!

Mental Health Day

I got fully dressed complete with coat, pashmina and Uggs, ready to walk out of the door when all of a sudden I decided that I couldn't do it. I sat down in a chair for about 15 minutes at the end of the hallway and just stared down the walkway which led to the door. I told my mom who was brushing her teeth in the nearby bathroom that I couldn't do it. Not today, not tomorrow and not Wednesday. Now I'm laying on the couch watching cartoons at my bf's place while he's at work.

My mind has been inundated with crap. While getting ready this morning, for nothing as it turns out, I had an entire blog drafted in my head about how this exhausted feeling I can't get rid of must mean that I'm unhappy. I don't know what's going on with me. I feel like a ball of hot mess and for some reason nothing seems to give me relief. I took at JAC day yesterday. Ate crab legs, watched my CW tv shows, played around with some music, did some studying, etc. But like a crazy person, it still wasn't enough. Even with an entire day dedicated to doing me, I still wake up the next day in tears. I'm trying to hold it together but I have problems taping into my positive side. To make matters worse, I feel even more terrible because my bf, the most amazing, caring, big hearted man, has to deal with all of this. I wish I could disappear so that he didn't have to be concerned or feel the weight of my dismay. I don't want him to think that I'm crazy but I don't know if that will be possible because I feel crazy. I can't convince someone else if I can't even convince myself. While crying in his arms this morning, I told him I felt like a retard. I wish I could get hold of myself, but I can't. Can't shouldn't be in my vocabulary but seriously, I can't get it together.

Is it my job? Even though I've left the menial and mind-numbing billing and accounting responsibilities behind, this new position has a level of stress on its on that is wearing me out. There are about 3 degrees of separation between me and the top execs (presidents, CEO, publisher, etc.) of The Washington Post, which means that we get a lot of high level, emergency requests that have to be taken care of RIGHT AWAY. Being the worker bee of the department, and due to the fact that the other worker bee among us is on maternity leave, I'm the one who has the privilege of putting together these high level responses and packages at lightening speed. I never thought that providing information and doing analyses could be so draining. The pressure is intense. Most career driven people would love my job. Not only would they see it as an opportunity to rub shoulders with the most powerful people at The Washington Post, but they would be excited about the prospects of having that high level job one day. Me...not so much. I prefer a quiet, simple occupation. I wonder if it'll be so uptight and high strung once my co-worker comes back. I need her for balance. Two people are better than one to lighten the load.

I've never been with someone who was so different than me. The way we were raised, the way we think, how we were educated... I'm a silvery moon and he's a blue whale. (Don't ask me how I just came up with that.) Being that neither know anything about the other's world, a whole lot of communication and learning is necessary. Baby boy and I have been working very hard lately to learn each other. We've stayed up many late nights discussing situations and how we each see them. I've learned a lot recently, but I'm ready to be past this part already. I'm ready to know him and not look at him like an alien when he says or believes something I don't get. But does the work in a relationship ever cease? Unfortunately not.

So yeah, I need a break. I wish I could go away, but just the thought that I am supposed to be at work today, and I'm not makes me feel a little better. Bump it all. I need to take care of JAC before I really lose my mind.

I'm Old

PLEASE tell me that you remember this song. Otherwise I'll just die.

I was sitting in the kitchen eating some crab legs just a few minutes ago while importing new music into my iTunes from a couple of old CDs I hadn't heard in a while. So I threw in this CD from that music video show we used to watch back in the day called The Box to see what kind of music was on it. What I found were Warren G's "Regulate", B.I.G.'s "Juicy", Craig Mack's "Flava In Ya Ear" and Patra's "Romantic Call" just to name a few. Remembering how much I used to love "Romantic Call" I skipped over to it, all excited like, and started to groove to the reggae beat. My sister who was enjoying some of my crab legs didn't seem to clue into the song. I just figured she would remember once we got the chorus... "I'm on a romantic call...I'm talking to my baby..." but instead, she looked at me with a blank face. My expression dropped. "You don't know this song?!" I asked her quietly, fearing the response. She replied that she didn't and at that very moment, I put the palm of my hand up to my forehead (didn't want to get crab juice all over my face) and closed my eyes while a wave of "J, you're old" and "you're officially over the hill" and "you sound like your parents" phrases flashed before my eyes.

So now I'm back and in my room and I can not BELIEVE that my sister, who is only three and a half years younger than me, does not know Patra and Yo-Yo's "Romantic Call"!!!!! If my boyfriend, who happens to be my young tenderoni, does not know this song either, I think this just might become the worst day of my life.

Should We Have Kids?

Very good question! A blog hasn't made me think like this in a very long time. Great topic. Click on the link below. What do you think?

How Important Is Spreading The Right Seeds?

Now Enters Wisdom

It's important not to let other people distract you from your purpose if your purpose is a good one. Others will talk and rant and babble and even scream, but in the end, all you have is you and the road ahead. It's so easy to become hurt, embarrassed or disappointed when people can't keep their comments to themselves. You wonder why individuals can't just mind their own business and why your life is so important to them. You want to tell everyone to move along and get over what they think is a shocking revelation. But at the end of the day, people will be people. Nothing should stop you from keeping your senses and putting up with the craziness of others. It was the apostle Paul who told us to keep putting up with one another and to forgive freely because God freely forgave us. So as a Christian, that's what we do. We put up, forgive, keep our minds, and move on. Agape love will cover a multitude of crap.


I've learned that it's best to look out for the interest of others. Sometimes things are just too much for other people. Not everyone can handle the things that I can. So if it's not hurting me to keep things to myself, why not do so? I certainly don't want to stumble anyone. And what's ok for someone else, may not be ok for me. I am my own person (we are our own couple) and I (we) cannot ride on the coat tails of another individual (couple). Of course, coming to this conclusion is not easy. It takes calling to mind the things that I have learned over the years and in my studies. I takes application. It takes love. So I remember the things that will benefit me, I quiet my own heart in order to be mild, I open my eyes to everyone with a great outlook, and I say a prayer. That's the way it's going to be.

Angry Black Women

I asked my co-worker how her weekend was. Expecting a canned answer, I was surprised when she said "BAD". I stopped, turned around and proceeded to ask questions in order to understand why her weekend was so bad. She told me that she was just mad. Mad all weekend. So mad that she's been praying for God to take away the angry spirit that's within her. For some reason, that sparked something in me because I could 100% identify. I immediately wanted to give her a hug and tell her that I know how she feels. I too was just mad for whatever reason just last week. I don't know if this is true of all women or just African-American one's like my co-worker and myself, but we can be some angry women at times! And just angry for no reason. No reason at all. If your man doesn't say the perfect thing, you get angry. If your money's not right, you get even more angry. If your hair doesn't lay right, you get angry again. If someone smiles at you, you get angry to the 10th degree. I believe that this mad streak is about more than just PMS. I believe it dates back way into time when we were strong and mad for a reason. Discrimination, civil rights, slavery... As a result of so much struggle, us women have a deep, red, thick blood running through our veins. It's not easy penetratable and can even grow cold if need be. But, yeah. To be just mad... I know the feeling. I'm glad she mentioned that she was praying though. It's all you can do when you're mad for no apparent reason. Men may feel like being mad for no apparent reason is some sort of craziness but it's not. I promise you, it's not. But anyway, I don't really know where I'm going with this. All I can really say is that I understood. I understood her. An angry black woman to another. I understood.

Morning Thoughts

It's your choice. You choose whether today will be better than yesterday. Or you can choose to wallow in the same crap you did yesterday. I choose to forget about yesterday and to burrow through the day as if I don't have the time. The concept of time is a funny one. Sometimes it's my best friend and others, not so much. One thing is for sure, time is the best healer. The anguish of yesterday is not the anguish of today. In fact, with every passing day, anguish turns into pain, pain into sorrow, sorrow into melancholy, and melancholy into just ok. But the part about time I hate is that you can't get it back and there's never enough of it. I especially don't care for the part of time where it stretches out eons in front of you when you wish that the end of the eon was knocking at your front door. Like today for example. I wish I were on my way home right now instead of on my way out. Why can't we fast forward time and just be done with it? Oh how I wish I could go through the day like a zombie, hazily going through the movements, but yet be extremely productive and intelligent at the same time. My new job requires me to think. I have to be on point at all times as I contribute to ways in which we increase revenues. I am truly planning and analyzing every business decision we make. With that said, there unfortunately can be nothing hazy about me during a typical work day.

I'm in survival mode. Survival mode means simplicity. There's no room for extras at the moment. No extra stress, cares, projects, burdens, issues, problems, things, people, and places. Simplicity allows me the room to focus. It also allows me the space to be silent and I'm loving the idea of silence. We have all come to know that when there is peace, there's joy. No matter how difficult a task, if it can be tackled with a sense of peace, it will be done well and to the best of your ability. That's what I'm hoping for. Success. Not just for the work week, but in life.

On a lighter note, my family is involved in a little friendly competition to guess the date of my pending engagement. It's entertaining to see everyone be so interested. Bets are flying in right and left but I still have yet to agree or disagree with anyone's guess. Some say next month and others say next year. When I hear their thoughts, I fail to get a feeling that makes me want to swerve in the affirmative or otherwise. I haven't once thought, 'yeah that seems close' or 'no way, that'll never happen'. I'm so blank on the subject. My attitude is que sera, sera. What it will be is what it will be. Whatever happens. It's my decision to pay attention to myself only at this point. My focus is forward and not on others. By the way, wrong speculation can cause harm, and one thing I will not do is suffer harm. Nothing in life is guranteed so you best protect your heart.

Enjoy your day.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Life

I am exhausted. Work seriously wore me out today. So much so that my director told me to leave early Friday. I pray that I'll be able to take advantage of that. There's just so much to do. And more to do when I get home tonight.

I'm out of town again this weekend. I feel like I just got back into town, except I didn't go anywhere. Didn't think my calendar would ever look as full as it does. Whenever I'm asked if I'm free, I have to check my pinkberry like the CEO of a Fortune 500 company (except his/hers isn't pink-shame). I'm still dying to get away. And not for a purpose, but just because. I want to go to my busy home of old. By myself. I miss NY.

Imogen Heap is so good to me right now. She's exactly what should be in my ear considering my mood and location. There's a huge caucasian man sitting next to me making me feel trapped against the train's window. Imogen is soothing my nerves. But it's a good thing he's white. He won't be on the train for much longer. I doubt he'll go past Eastern Market. Hopefully. Oh wait! I'm at Potomac Avenue! OH NO! Maybe he forgot to get off. No. He just looked out the window and calmly looked back down at his phone. Shoot! Why do I always get locked in? Every other person in this car is sitting alone. Ok. Stadium Armory was his final destination. My back doesn't hurt so bad anymore. Freedom.

My mind went blank. You ever feel like someone is taking a picture of you with their camera phone? I'm pretty sure that's happening right now. I wish there were laws against that. Where might my picture end up? I don't even want to think about it.

I asked God for strength this evening. More specifically, the strength to respond appropriately. In a mature fashion. In a manner that others would want to imitate. I have a mean streak. I need to work hard to surpress it because usually the ones I love are the only ones who see it. I have all the compassion in the world for strangers. I may have compassion for loved ones as well, yet I have a hard time showing it when ticked off. I feel like loved ones should know better. It's no excuse however.

When I look into the future, I hardly see past 1st quarter 2010. I don't want it to be that way. I wish I could see further but everything past that is darker than a pitch black southern night. My future literally falls off a cliff. It's extremely empty. For the first time, I can not anticipate my life. The sketch pad of my world is so blank. How do I feel about that? My emotions are mixed. I'm somewhat apprehensive but yet I'm anxious to fill in the blanks. One thing is for sure. It's going to be a learning experience.

I dreamt that my parents were getting a divorced. I remember screaming at my dad and telling him that he must not be a man of God and he better fix it.

As late as it is, I'm not ready to go home. I could use a stiff drink but I think I'll settle for a chic-fil-a vanilla shake with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Inspire

I'm supposed to be working right now, but I have something I need to say. I'm thinking of inspiration. How important it is, how it's lacking in my life right now, which in turn is preventing me from inspiring others. It really isn't an excuse though. Just because I'm not inspired doesn't mean I get to keep my powers from others. When I'm not able to inspire others, I feel dead. I feel like there's no point to my life. I remember when Precious-Gem said this about my writing. "J.A.C...She speaks my language too and just as I'm thinking "it's just me", I read her thoughts and realize that it's not. I'm so glad that people are willing to be honest. Not to mention, her writing style is so romantic. It's so flowy and organic." Her words did more for me than she will ever imagine. I want to always inspire and make people feel like it's okay. It's what energizes me. And I'm so sad that I haven't been able to do that lately. The things that have inspired others such as my photography, my fashion sense, my writing and my beliefs are all so un-juiced. The battery levels are very low. I once started a scrapbook of all the things that inspire me. I didn't get too far on it of course, but it's at moments like this that I wish it was complete. It could be my own personal battery charger.

I expressed to my personification of love how I was feeling and...wow. Talk about gifts. He has the amazing ability to patch up holes in my soul. After telling me that I inspire him every day, he commenced to tell me that he wants to be nicer, more loving, more caring, more open, more spiritual and more affectionate because of me; how his heart wells up with emotion as he thinks of how blessed he is to be with me and to have my positive influence in my life. I can't even think of how that made me feel while I cried to him about how I don't make a difference in people's lives. He surely helped save me from feeling like I was all the way dead. Now I only feel half dead.

Inspiration is vital. I don't care if it's coming from you or from someone else. Inspiration needs to dwell wherever we are, no matter whether it's in the form of a picture or a person or a scripture. Inspiration is our feul. It motivates us to do better, to help someone out, to change our views, to paint a canvas, to give someone a smile, to look our best. I can never under-estimate the power of inspiration. It's my being's very essence.

Inspire : to influence, move, or guide by divine or supernatural inspiration

Broken Nuptials

Let's take a poll. How many people out there have cancelled a wedding or broken off an engagement?

Not too long ago, I was having brunch with a group of friends. Seven to be exact. And out of those seven, four of us had either cancelled a wedding or broken an engagement. Over half! I can't remember my reaction. I don't know if I was shocked or just sad, and I still don't have a definitive reaction today. Being one of those four, I can only believe that we all made one of the biggest and BEST decisions of our lives. I seriously applaud all individuals who bulldoze through the excitement of a wedding or the beauty of a diamond ring and prevent them and their partners from making a very bad mistake. So back to my original question. Exactly how many of us are there out there? I'm interested in all ages, but particularly in the young ones. Us 20 something to 30 something year olds. How did these ones get the guts to call it off after wedding invitations were sent? Do you think that there are a lot of broken engagements out there or are most people going through with weddings after knowing it's a bad idea? Hmm...

Ran-dumb Thoughts

He asked me if I was going to write today.
I guess I should.
I definitely don't write as often as I want.
I've fallen off on a lot of things.
Not necessarily because I want to or I'm lazy.
Life has been busy.
My time has been occupied.
One thing that I've completely fallen off track with is my picture taking.
Not my SLR hobby stuff, but my everyday picture taking.
I used to carry my point and shoot around like my licensce.
I don't know what happened to that.
My camera definitely needs to go back in my handbag.
I'm missing out on a lot of memories by not having it.
I have so many pictures from my LA and NY existances.
I feel bad that I haven't took the same initiative while I've been in the DMV.
Being here is just as important as being there was.
I guess I better act like it.
I'm feeling blah this morning.
The Monday blues.
You know how that goes.
I didn't want the weekend to go away.
It was so good to me.
I don't feel all that pretty today.
Tried to put a little more makeup than the usual on my face, but that never helps.
I really miss Essence.
There was hardly a day when I felt down while working there.
This is not to say that my job now makes me down because it's 100x better than it used to be.
But there's something about working for the magazine you love which writes about topics you like which are written and put together by woman who look and think like you.
It was so inspiring.
While my current job isn't horrible, it doesn't inspire me.
But not most people's jobs do.
My family is good.
We had a bruising this weekend, but it's as resolved as it's going to get.
I'm still a little cautious but my mom is making great efforts, so I know that I can too.
My sis and I spent some time in Hallmark on Sunday.
You know you're getting old when you start buying greeting cards in packs for future special occassions.
It was necessary though.
People are passing, anniversaries are coming and going, people's feelings are hurt and milestones are happening.
I was taught a lesson this weekend.
I'm no longer a child and when events happen, it's up to me to make mention and say that I care.
Parents are not responsible for my sending my well wishes along with theirs.
I'm grown.
Autumn just tagged me in this note.
"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us." -Author Unknown
It's so funny that I'm getting this because I was trying to put into words something that seems buried deep down inside.
I was thinking about my best friends (sis, mj, kace, kara, etc.) and how they have clear gifts.
My gift on the other hand is hard to see which makes me feel discontent.
I don't think I'm content just the way I am.
I want more.
I want to do better.
But of course, we're harder on ourselves than anyone else.
Maybe I'm thinking too hard.

Ran-dumb Thoughts

Is there anything going on?
Cuz I'm bored.
I'm going to see Maxwell Friday.
It seems so far away.
I'm not hype for it yet.
I will be when I actually get to the arena.
Where's the new music?
Anybody got any good stories?
You know what I've been missing?
My tv shows.
SYTYCD and Project Runway.
They add spark to my life.
And then my MTV shows.
The City and The Hills.
Where are those?
Are they even out yet?
I watch absolutely no tv anymore.
Where has my life gone!?
What if I walk out of my job and never come back?
How about it?
My bf is great.
Beginnings are wonderful.
My mom's venting on the phone with me right now.
She said she was almost in tears yesterday.
We all have those days.
You just wanna cry.
And have no idea why.
Mom said I looked fly this morning.
Bf didn't say so.
Bf just called and asked me if I'm okay.
Gotta call him back.
PMS-ing man!
Freak.
My back hurts.
Too much.

Amerie - "Heard 'Em All"

Finally! Something I can finally appreciate from Amerie. This song and video are hot. I can already see me getting me diva on to this.

A New Life!

There's so much to do and so little time. And I'm excited! I have a nice little stretch of time to work it out and I can't wait to experience the blessings that will come from pushing my relationship with Jehovah to new heights. I am ready to taste Jehovah and see that He is good. So from now, as a newly baptized one, until a pre-determined time, I am ready to grind. I am ready to build an unmovable foundation. Well actually, I want to do more than just build. I want to live all up in that house. I want to move in, get settled and even get a little wear and tear in there. I want it to be nice and cozy. I have my list of goals in my head but I need to write them down in the new journal I got as a baptismal gift from a friend. I think I'll use that journal as my spiritual journal. I'm ready for this new life ya'll! So excited! Let's grind it out ya'll!

I Want That Old Girl Back

Who am I?

I have a hard time figuring out what looks right on me among a myriad of clothes. There are scratched up CDs in my armoire, my glove compartment, and in the basement. Missy is the worst right now with tree sap stamped all over her like small bullet holes. The Mama Jen that everyone once knew me as has died as I'm constantly inundated with advice from others. I don't know who I am anymore.

One would suggest that I re-define who I am because change is good. That's all good and well but what am I trying to re-define? Am I trying to get back what I used to be or am I turning into a whole new person? If my fierceness, my touch and my edge are all gone, do I try to get it back or just transform into something else? Truth of the matter is that I want that old girl back. I liked her. I knew her well. I was comfortable with her. She suited me like a perfectly tailored suit.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

I'm a girls girl. Pretty dainty if I do say so myself. Pink phone, high heel shoes, lace lingerie and endless makeup. For some reason, however, I feel like a boy. Maybe it's because I was dressed like one today. My hair isn't done either. In other words, I feel like a hot mess. I've been so uninspired lately. I have to coax myself to wear heels during the week even though they're my favorite article of clothing. I'm not sure what's going on with me but I hope my inner ladybug comes back soon. I miss her.

Sometimes I get jealous of my parents. Well, I'm not sure if jealous is the right word, but when we came into the house tonight, my mother went right downstairs to find her husband. They're down there now just a laughing and giggling. How sweet. I wish I had that.

It's getting cold again. I had to turn on my electric blanket a few minutes ago. There's a permanent chill creeping through my bones. The winter is no fun unless you can find ingenuous ways to keep warm. I'm not a fan of the winter at all. It does give me the opportunity to look sharp, but I'd rather stick with the days where less is more. As Madea said in I Can Do Bad All By Myself, 'clothes make you broke'. Too bad I like them so much. I wouldn't need an extra warm sweater if I could curl up to someone's warmth. Dah well. Silver Daddy is even cold.

My mom is watching Jay-Z's concert now. She keeps yelling "heeey!" My sister is fighting with her boyfriend over the phone so there goes my peace. I think I could sleep through it though. At least I'm going to try.

Looking forward to an empty weekend. I'm going to enjoy it. I hope you enjoy yours too.

I'm Back!

I'm Back!

No, not to blogworld. I'm back to my dancing! Yaaaaay! Aren't you so excited for me? Te he he. My Afro Modern class was excellent this evening. It was exactly what I needed. Yes, every muscle in my body hurts right now, but I love this feeling. The pain is wonderful! Even the throbbing that I'll feel in the morning; I'm truly looking forward to it! What this really means though is that I have a lot of work to do. I remember being able to leave dance classes with the routine on my mind, and not how badly my back hurts. But don't worry, I'll get it back. I'm about to get it in and be REAL strong. I told my teacher, Taurus, that this was my first class in four years. He looked at me with a sympathetic face. True dancers feel your pain when you mention how long you've been away. You can liken being away from dance to being away from food. When dancing stops, life stops. And I truly believe that. I got my life back tonight. It's a wonder I even stopped in the first place. Knowing how much I love to dance, I can't fathom why it always takes me so long to get back into the groove and then stay there. I'm just lazy I guess. But this class should put a halt to the procrastination. Every Wednesday, my butt needs to be in class. Guess what Taurus said to me? We were doing the cool down and I guess he was watching me do a section of it. He looks at me when the music ended and said, "yeah I can tell that you USED to dance". We all started busting out laughing. But it was a real compliment. He can see what I used to have, and if my health depends on it, I'll get that "used to" back. He told me that it's there. He can see it in me. Now all I have to do is keep taking classes. I'm thinking about adding a ballet class to my weekly dance ritual because it's truly what I am. A graceful, tall, ballet-like dancer. Ballet is my core. Everything else is auxiliary. But anyway, I'm really happy to be dancing again. Maybe I'm not as old and done as I thought I was. It's happy feet time!

Oh and SYTYCD started it's season today! How perfect! 'Tis the time to dance!

Fall Is Here - Shoe Edition

Monday Morning

Falling in love is a glorious thing. Some say it's better to walk into love. When you fall, you often hurt yourself. But I don't mind falling this time. This time, I know I'll be caught. I've never trusted as openly as I do now. I trust with my whole soul. I know I won't be let down. He won't even let me get close to bumping my head. I'm safe in his arms. I want to share my love with the world. I want to tell everyone what I've found, but I can't. I'm bound to discretion. It shall be the theme of the relationship. Silence and discretion.

Life throws unexpected turns. Happenings unravel behind your back. Things are taken care of without you even knowing. It's a wonder how it all comes together. (wonder - the feelings aroused by something strange and surprising) I'm wrapping my mind around the way things move. The forces that rearrange my life and point it into the direction I'm now heading. Is it okay to have no control over your path? Will I feel like a white pond in a game of chess? Innocent and ignorant of the intentions of the move maker...

I'm ready for my life to begin. The journey ahead of me is so bright. I'm dying to take a step into the light and experience the joy that will commence. But I'm also careful to love the current moment. "Anticipation is the purest form of pleasure," one once said. What if I get to that anticpated moment and have no more anticipation? I never want the longing for the future to disappear. Even 10 years from now, I want to long. Life should always move towards something better. Goals raise you reach to higher levels. I like reaching new levels. I hope the levels ascend into the clouds.

A Better Day

I got dressed this morning. I didn't throw something on like before. I got dressed. I used mascara and eyeliner today. I styled my hair. I opened the refrigerator instead of just walking out. Today will be a better day.

Satan

My person is super sensitive
I feel every cell and atom in my body girate
My hands quiver and my heart races
The muscles in my body are taut and unyielding
There is no makeup on my face
My hair is not curled
The softness of my skin depleting
My essence diminishing
Legs I once relied on are weak
Cramps are seething through my uterus

The smiles and good mornings I give are fake
Mornings are a grim segment of the day
I feel the air shoving me down into the dirt
Like a corkscrew
Quicksand clawing at my feet
I believe that escape is imminent
But wondering if I have the patience to believe

There's nothing to think about
except the trillion thoughts that are packed tightly in my head
I wish they would go away
Fizz out of my ears like a balloon losing helium
All the empty spaces are full and over-expanded
It's no wonder my eyes feel heavy throughout the day
There's too much weight up there

I know I'll get through
Especially when I keep telling myself to take it slow
This is nothing but a mere passing thing
A test of my wills and determination
The future will be brighter
I'll look back and laugh one day
Also be thankful for the sharpening
The refining process
The strength that I've gained to bear it all
I pray for Jah
But I don't know if He hears me
Satan is powerful today

Goodnight

the sun has set on another day
and with the sun my fears have diminished
i pray that as the night time ascends into the air.
sleep extends itself past the normal span.
i beckon the subconscious space that covers
when we close our eyes
to stay and visit as long as it likes.
it's in the quiet of slumber
that peace finds its perfect habitat.
for the regrets of another day
are as far off as a lover left behind.
life is in slumber itself
as we retreat to exist tomorrow.
but tomorrow's day is a mere passing thought
when its sun dies again.
and as we shake away the remnants of a dire day
we are left with the honey suckled-ness
of sweet and tender sleep.

- by j.a.c.

yes Keri!

Marques Is Back, Me Not So Much

Sorry I haven't been blogging! I've been a bit...cough cough... preoccupied. New things and all. You know how that goes. Probably won't be blogging that much. But I promise I'll try!

But I have something for you that I just HAD to post.

Didn't realize I missed him until I saw these. My sis and I can play a whole MH CD from front to back. His music is on point. Can't wait.



"Let me just take you on a date. I ain't tryna sleep with you....I just wanna take you on a date." Love it. This song is off the hook.



According to Marques' official blog, he'll be making a video for every song on his album. Get it Marques. The album comes out September 29th.

To Move or Not To Move

I want to move out.
Safe mode at the parent's house is cool but I need to learn some lessons.
I don't feel like I'm growing at home.
I'm rather stagnant and a little bored.
Challenges are interesting.
Even if I don't overcome each one to the best of my ability, I feed off of them.
Challenges help me evolve.
The b side of things tells me to sit tight.
Avoid challenges.
Be safe.
I'm not sure what to do.
If I move out, I need to do it now.
There's not much time to mull this over.
I'm not 100% responsible for anything at home.
I definitely could do more in my parent's house to help, but it's mentally difficult when you know your parents are going to take care of it anyway.
Especially when my timeline is different from my mom's.
What she sees as dirty ("OMG, the whole house needs a big bleaching!"), I don't.
I want to get back into the mode of cleaning and cooking...
I need to get my responsible swag back.
I can't do that at 2001.
Living alone automatically raises your levels.
You rise to the occassion.
You handle business.
I would be so much more on point if I moved out.
What's the smarter move?
Stay and pay off debt.
Stay and avoid even the INKLING of compromising situations that could arise with my bf.
What's best for my spirituality?
Mmm.
That question doesn't really help.
My spirituality isn't tied to my parents so no matter where I am, my desire will be the same.
My relationship with Jehovah is not contigent upon where I am.
That's a beautiful thought, by the way.
There's not one person or one solitary place can separate me from Him.
What to do, what to do?
I guess my next step is to toss the idea around with the ones who love me.
Not too many people.
Just a select few.
I can't handle five different opinions.
I would get lost in what everyone else thinks instead of the two people that matter the most.
The man upstairs and me.
"There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk, but in the multitude of counselors there is accomplishment." - Prov. 15:22

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Two Faced Moschino Heels

Oh the ingenuity! What will they think of next?! For a closer look, click here.

Janelle Monae On Repeat

This will get me through the day.

Metropolis - Janelle Monae

Janelle Monae "I Won't Let Go"

I Wont Let Go - Janelle Monáe

Goapele - "Milk and Honey"

Milk and Honey - Goapele from goapele on Vimeo.

Glad she's back with this huge one.

Some Seriousness, Some Not So Serious

I completed my burgundy journal. I believed this is the 8th or 9th journal I've filled with my life's ramblings. As I topped off the last pages, I realized there would be no better time to start a new chapter. What a difference a year makes. This time last year, I was suffering through a heart ripping break-up. This year, I'm going through a different type of suffering. Long-suffering. I don't mind however. The blessings that have already come and will come from this situation will be enormous. I'm going through a test, and as far as I can see, remaining calm and collected will see me through. I will indeed prove Satan a liar. I will not live my life for selfish reasons as Satan said I would do. This new chapter of my life will be unlike any other. This new journal will be unlike any other. I'm praying that it'll be filled with thoughts that come from a better human being. A wiser human being. A mature and fully developed human being. Clearly my goal is to be a better person than I was last year - as should be the case everyday. With every new day, we should strive to be a better person than yesterday. Prayerfully, I can realize that goal, and as long as I keep the mind of Christ, I should be able to stay on course.

Enough of the seriousness. My sis and I played all Keri Hilson songs this morning while getting ready. Keri has quite a collection of work. The girl seriously has taken the world by storm. To go from "The Way I Are" to "Energy" to "Turning Me Off" to "Knock You Down", the girl is on fire! I'm looking forward to seeing what she does next. I hope she does something with "Intuition". I really like that song. And then there's Teedra Moses. I heard she's been in town recently. I've been missing a lot of performances lately because of my schedule. Mos Def, Bilal, and Eric Roberson were here last week. I have to get back on my live music game. I miss my sister's band Black Alley. Like actually miss hearing them. I guess that's where I'll be Sunday. At Indulj. Radiohead's "Rainbows" is an incredible album. It's pure musical genuis packaged in a plastic disc. Makes me wonder what other gems are out there that I don't know about.

It's raining today and I like it. Makes for a thoughtful day. A day for reflection. Today is Thursday. One more day until the weekend. Even though I have to work, Friday morning starts my weekend. It's all about the feeling. Knowing that relief is here means a better day. Saturday, Pooh and I are attending Erykah Badu's concert at Merriweather. Can't wait to experience that woman. You don't just watch her. You experience her. She takes you on a journey. It's going to be wonderful. Especially with Foreign Exchange there. Or was it Slum Village? One of the members of SV just passed away so I hope Foreign Exchange was the pick. SV is one of the greatest hip hop groups in my opinion. I wish them the best during this trial.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

I'm A Spectacle

J.K. is offended that I didn't invite her to my baptism. Now I'm hurt that she's hurt. I hate it when people are hurt by me because I never intend to hurt anyone. (I feel like I said this before in regards to something else that happened with J.K.) I can walk along minding my business when someone will be hurt by me and I would never expect it.... I wasn't thinking of inviting my hanging out buddies to my baptism. Why would they care? Despite my disdain for attention, there are already so many people coming that it's turning into a family reunion. It's uncomfortable. Especially because I don't want to steal away people's joy. If seeing me get baptized is going to make them happy, then so be it. It can't always be about what I want. Baptisms are a public declaration so... It's about to be real public. I wish it could just be me and Him.

I hate, hate, hate to be a spectacle.

How I'm Feeling