Tuesday, December 08, 2009

I Feel A Hole Inside of Me

I'm not okay.
But I don't want to complain.
What I do need to do is speak the truth.
Without my staples, loneliness can set in.
It's true that you don't know what you're missing until it's gone.
You don't know how valuable people are until you can't reach them.
But I should use this time for me.
Lord knows I could use it.
Still yet, I feel a bit lost in translation.
I don't know what to use the time for.
Nor do I want anyone to tell me.
This isn't where I want someone to jump in and 'fix it'.
My mind is very cloudy.
I haven't been clear for a very long time.
I remember a phase in my life when I saw everything like crystal.
Among westward sunny skies when I was me by myself.
In tune with myself, I was so peaceful.
I miss the absolute stillness that comes from clarity.
Absolute stillness.
When is there time for that?
You have to dig deep down and find that place.
It's within all of us.
But when you're ripping, you crowd out the time.
Since I moved home, I've been swallowed.
I fell right back in line.
Jumped straight on the conveyor belt and haven't stopped yet.
I checked back in to 'my place' in this town.
The daughter, the PG girl, the regular.
The regular.
I think that's the disappointing part.
I'm so used to being amongst the new.
Falling back into the regular halted my self-discovery.
Self-discovery should never end.
But now that I'm here, I'm not discovering anything.
I'm lost.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm not okay.


Morgan said...

Sorry to read you're feeling like this today....saw it coming (from the last few blogs) but still feel bad. I can offer nothing except to say that I am so glad I happened upon you. Your words are that last square of Godiva I hid from the kids to be savoured when all is quiet. I laugh when you mention songs that make me feel old, I was so excited to hear that you found "the dress", and I felt connected when you mentioned your longing to travel with your spiritual bros and sis'. Your self-discovery has not ended. You may have 'fallen back in line' but when you did that in your secular life, things in your personal and spiritual life were electrifyd. Your authentic-self is preparing for a new journey. Independent woman is obviously a hat you've worn well, now you must prepare to discover; partner, lover and best friend. A completely overwhelming yet extremely gratifying and in the end satisfying series of twists, turns and surprises. Tomorrows a new day.......(well today is why I'm up at 5am I don't know.;))

T.C. said...

I can relate on multiple levels...and like you said no one can jump in and fix it...noone in time the fog will clear and you will find your way...

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