I feel like I'm wading through lard. I don't even know how my fingers have the strength to type at this moment. Everything recently seems so hard. Waking up is a task, sitting without caving is hard, and the train ride..that's the worst. God must have been looking out for me today though because I wasn't caved into a corner like I usually am. Large black, grey and brown winter coats and heavy boots weren't stomping around me to make me feel smaller than small. This time there weren't any mounds of bodies to fight through. Bodies that weigh on average 10 pounds more than they do in the summer because of thick winter materials such as wools, down and shearling. This time it was just me.
My fiance asked me how long I've been feeling like this. I really don't know. And I don't have the energy to figure it out. All I know is that I feel extremely heavy. Everyday that I wake up is a day that I'm pushing. I can't even tell you how I make it through. It's almost like my brain tells my legs to keep moving, and somehow I get there. I'm so exhausted. The train jerked today, and I nearly fell over while lacking the strength to keep myself stable. I feel extremely frail.
I wonder if my mother is right. She says that my lack of proper nutrition is holding me down. When I walked in the door last night, both her and Kacey said that I looked haggard. Gee thanks. But they were right, because I felt it. I felt like I could have caved on the foyer at any moment. But at least I made it home right? Spring and summer usually don't have me feeling like this. This is the first winter, however, that I've felt so drained. Never have I felt so downtrodden. I saw a couple on the train that were so fancy free. I was envious of their spirit. I want to be fancy free and light. Where can I buy some of that? I'm broke, but I'd be willing to sell everything I have for it. Feeling fancy free is priceless.