So I propelled off of that wonderful, pick-me-up of a comment and wrote in my personal journal about 20 minutes ago. I think I may have moved one space towards that age of self-discovery that I feel is missing. Chances are that Morgan is right and it never left. But just now, I'm beginning to see the light of clarity.
When I was everywhere but home, I was out. Unlike being on this assembly line I call home, when I was away, I was mountain climbing and flower picking. Not literally of course, but I was extremely active and open. It's interesting that I used the mountains and flowers to express how it felt because I think to certain extent, being in nature and in the openness of California afforded me a lot. As a matter of fact, I know it did. I'm a nature girl at heart. I love to lay on a blanket in the park, drive with my sunroof open in order to see the beautiful clouds that are there for my enjoyment, and sit on the beach while listening to crashing waves. I think it's my connection with nature that spring-boards my stillness. And from that stillness comes thinking abilities that allow me to go inside, which in turn allows me to be so clear. Hmm. How deep is that? This is totally coming to me right now as I type this. So here's what it is. I rely on Jehovah's creation to find myself. Wow. Now that's a statement right there... Wait. Give me a minute to let that marinate... Yep. I thought it over and it's true. I remember when I used to drive up one of those mountainous hills in Long Beach, get out of the car, and sit overlooking the city for an hour or more. Not only was I able to gain clarity on a lot of personal things I was going through, but I was able to realize how perfect and vast God's creation is. How could you sit on top of a peak and not see God?
So where does this leave me now? Morgan said that I have a new age of self-discovery upon me. The discoveries of partnership, lover and best friend. It's interesting to note that everything I wrote above, I experienced as a single person. Well maybe not. I think I must have been dating at some of those 'up high' moments, but never to the point where I considered myself as one unit with the other. But after all that dating (well not ALL; I've only had 3 or 4 boyfriends) I'm finally about to be one body with a man I know is perfect for me. So yes. In essence, I was single. I've never had to share any of that stuff above with anyone. Nor do I know how to. Nor do I know if I have to. When I think about taking a moment to think, I certainly don't see another person in the picture. Should I? I went "flower picking" all by myself and loved it. For when I came back from "flower picking", I was ten leaps ahead from where I was when I started. What I think I'm trying to say is that space has afforded me growth. So now what do I do? My geographic location nor my relationship status can provide me with space. Oh wow. Lol. LMBO. Guess what my fiance' and I keep as a theme of ours? "No space between us." How ironic! Hmm... So wait. As the laughter fades from making that connection, I'm beginning to feel a little concerned. Sooooo..... Ummmm..... Ugh. I think I just put myself between a rock and a hard place. I have to think about this now.
Well... at least I'm thinking! And I have the day off to do it.