A Positive Outlook

The lovely thing about marriage...well, marriage between two people who have the goal of making their God happy... is that it can only get better. That's the true eventuality of that relationship. Two people who have the goal of making their God happy, want to do things the right way. So with all the lessons learned early in the marriage, both parties can do nothing but mature and grow.

That's my belief. That's really what I base my whole marriage on. And I see it happening. Every time there's a disagreement, it's handled a little bit better than the last. Every time feelings are hurt, someone is a little less offended than before. When situations arise, Bible principles guide one more than previously.

Because, let's be honest. To go in the other direction is a result of stupidity. Even insanity. Why make the same mistakes over and over again? Who does that benefit? In my religion, when you make the same mistake over and over again, the consequences are not easy. That's because my God does not tolerate insanity and stupidity after one has been taught. After you get the lesson, you are expected to do better.

It's no different in marriage. And for that reason, I look forward to seeing where we'll be 10 years out. I'd actually give my thumb (not really because I need my thumb), to be 10 years out and to see how differently we handle situations. I so look forward to seeing where my husband is. How differently will he love me? If the same issue presented itself in 10 years, how different will his reaction be? I look forward to the wisdom that I will gain. What kind of application will I make? What will no longer be an issue for me?

So while I sometimes base my strength in marriage solely on what wonderfulness the future holds, I know that I have to live in today. In the here and now. So I try to not miss the process. The maturation of it all. The little victories we have. I can't forget that next week is also considered the future. With every passing wee, the growth process is existing. Day to day even. As long as I'm taking something I learned and applying to the next week, the next day, the next minute, growth is happening.

I've always been up for challenges in life and I've always gotten through them well. (Not to toot my own horn.) Marriage is so far the most challenging thing I've ever done, but just like in other challenges, I have a good feeling about how I'm doing. I am a perfectionist and I hate to fail, so I am determined to do this right.

The Ride of Our Lives

I said it once, I said it twice, I said it three times and I have to say it again. Has a song every captured your heart so obsessively that you write a blog about it every single time you hear it?

I gave love one more last time

Not what I expected, it was true perfection

Still I wasn’t sure you fit my rhyme

Like a poets letter streaming words together forever

Then you gave me life through a precious little girl

She changed my focus and helped me notice

That that’s what love is

I wanted it

You wanted it

We had to see

What this felt like

We wanted it

Once we got to it

We had a peek

Spending way more time

Somehow this feeling

Is kinda splendid

Once we start

We shifted into overdrive

What we both wanted

Now we both on it

The ride of our lives

I knew from the first glance, I was frozen

Fresh like a photo car on the show floor

Staring at perfection, gone in 60 seconds

Instant upgrade with this affection

As the passion rose like a speedometer

On the dashboard, I put my petal to the floor

I put it right there, and I floated right through your front door

That’s what the seat belt is for

I wanted it

You wanted it

We had to see

What this felt like

We wanted it

Once we got to it

We had a peek

Spending way more time

Somehow this feeling

Is kinda splendid

Once we start

We shifted into overdrive

What we both wanted

Now we both on it

The ride of our lives

Let’s take it to the next level

You made me rearrange my life for you

We never knew how special

And I know that’s it worth it, I know that it’s worth it

This life’s so incredible

Cuz I see the same look in that little girl’s eyes

We both make it work

We’re gonna make it work

Cuz I’ve earned the right to say this time

- Jon B.

This song makes me remember who I am and what I want and what my life is about. It re-centers me and helps me to find myself again. I can't explain it. It's like my light is dimmed. Certain parts of me are suppressed. My values and desires are compromised. And then, all of a sudden, I hear the twinkling intro and I remember who I am. This song is everything I want and has every sentiment I've ever dreamed of having in my life as a woman. It touches me over and over and over again. 

Love

Romance

Sweetness

Tenderness

Family

Children

Passion

Connection

Soul mate

Special

Femininity
Partnership
Companionship

Chemistry

Desire
Harmony

I feel all of this and more. This song means everything to me because it represents everything I ever wanted my life to be.

Questions

Hubby and I have found that our conversations are rudimentary. They are not particularly interesting, deep or inspiring. We talk about work, our dog, what's on the calendar, and when we need to schedule a cleaning day. So in an effort to expand our conversations, we've googled 'thought provoking questions'. In my search, I found this link to be very enlightening in more ways than one. I love these questions for us and for myself so I'm sharing. Here are the first 10. As you answer, check and see if you find anything interesting about yourself.

1. When was the last time you tried something new?
2. Who do you sometimes compare yourself to?
3. What’s the most sensible thing you’ve ever heard someone say?
4. What gets you excited about life?
5. What life lesson did you learn the hard way?
6. What do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago?
7. Do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know?
8. Who do you love and what are you doing about it?
9. What’s a belief that you hold with which many people disagree?
10. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

Proverbs 31

Who can find a capable wife?
Her value is far more than that of corals.
Her husband trusts her from his heart, And he lacks nothing of value.  
She rewards him with good, not bad, All the days of her life.  
She obtains wool and linen; She delights to work with her hands. 
She is like the ships of a merchant,
Bringing her food in from afar.  
She also rises while it is still night, Providing food for her household And portions for her female servants. 
She sets her mind on a field and buys it; She plants a vineyard from her own labors. 
She prepares herself for hard work,
And she strengthens her arms.  
She sees that her trading is profitable; Her lamp does not go out at night.  
Her hands seize the distaff, And her hands take hold of the spindle. 
She extends her palm to the lowly one, And she opens her hands to the poor. 
She does not worry about her household because of the snow, For her whole household is clothed in warm garments.  
She makes her own bed covers.  
Her clothing is of linen and purple wool.  
Her husband is well-known in the city gates,
Where he sits among the elders of the land.  
She makes and sells linen garments
And supplies belts to the merchants.  
She is clothed with strength and splendor, And she looks to the future with confidence. 
She opens her mouth in wisdom;
The law of kindness is on her tongue.  
She watches over the activity of her household, And the bread of laziness she does not eat. 
Her children rise up and declare her happy; Her husband rises up and praises her.  
There are many capable women, But you—you surpass them all.  
Charm may be false, and beauty may be fleeting,
But the woman who fears Jehovah will be praised. 
Give her the reward for what she does,
And let her works praise her in the city gates.

Wants Not Needs, Or Maybe Needs

Hubby asked me what I wanted as a gift. While I think he has no idea what he's gotten himself into, this is a hard question for me to answer. If you know anything about me, you know that I love interior design. So there's a ton of stuff that I want for the house, but for some reason that doesn't totally feel like it's for me. I feels like it's his too. I mean, he gets to reap the rewards from it too right? But I guess I shouldn't be too concerned with that. So what if the gifts that I want are also the very items that he'll use.

I haven't shared any of these thoughts with him because I know how overwhelmed he gets with my ideas, but these are the 3 things I want (or need).

• A Willing Spirit - That's what I want my from my hubby more than anything right now. I'm a girl with ideas for the home, dreams of adventures, desires of life, aspirations of the heart, thoughts out the wazoo... And getting him to make a memory with me or help bring an idea to fruition takes a bit of work on my part. The ironic part about it is that when he finally gets into whatever idea I have, he loves it! You should have seen him as he created a new outlet source for our bedroom tv! He was in heaven! So, yeah. That's the greatest gift he could give me. Reminds me of a scripture we're all too used to hearing at our congregation meetings. "Let each one do just as he has resolved in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver."

• An Experience - I keep telling my man that an experience is worth more than some item of a gift. He actually listened to me when thinking of gifts for our anniversary. A couples massage and a horse back riding lesson for beginners. We didn't actually ever get to use the deals that he bought for me (they expired before he got around to booking them - boo), but it was a great start in the right direction. I recently had a convo with hubby about my desire to paint. So what better gift than to go to Michael's, buy the supplies and set us up in the garage with a painting session for two? Right?!

• An Office Space - I've desperately wanted an office space just for me for a while. And now that we have a bit of free space in our bedroom after moving some things into our bedroom-turned-closet, I think we're ready! We don't have a TON of room though so I think a thin mirrored desk would be perfect against our corner window, complete with a beautiful desk lamp and a chair. Just enough thickness for my laptop, maybe a few books, etc. I think this is a perfect gift because whenever we get the chance to sleep in, hubby gets slightly irritated at the tapping of my nails on my keyboard as I lay next to him. I love Rachel's space. I mean how amazing would it be for me to come home and see that hubby tried his hand at designing a space just for me that I can then take over and keep designing? Ugh. I just might cry.

That's it!

Solving Problems In Your Marriage

I'm going to frame this article. I HAVE to frame this article. We have come to the determination that this is the ONLY way that Marcus and I can go about solving problems in our marriage. And for re-emphasis, here it is copied and pasted below. Thank you Jehovah for this!

 Keys to Family Happiness

 

Four Steps to Solving Problems

Consider the four steps listed below, and note how Bible principles can help you to solve problems in a loving and respectful manner.

1. Set a time to discuss the issue.

“For everything there is an appointed time, . . . a  time to keep quiet and a time to speak.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7) As demonstrated in the altercation quoted earlier, some problems may evoke strong emotions. If that happens, have the self-control to call a temporary halt—to “keep quiet”—before tempers flare. You can save your relationship from much damage if you heed the Bible’s advice: “Starting a quarrel is like a leak in a dam, so stop it before a fight breaks out.”—Proverbs 17:14, New Century Version.

However, there is also “a time to speak.” Problems, like weeds, flourish when neglected. So do not ignore the issue, hoping it will just go away. If you call a halt to a discussion, show respect for your mate by picking a time in the near future when you will talk about the problem. Such a promise can help both of you apply the spirit of the Bible’s counsel: “Let the sun not set with you in a provoked state.” (Ephesians 4:26) Of course, you then need to follow through on your promise.

TRY THIS: Pick a regular time each week when you can discuss family problems. If you notice that you are more prone to argue at a certain time of day—for example, when you first arrive home from work or before you have eaten—agree not to discuss problems at those times. Rather, choose a time when you are both likely to be less stressed.

2. Express your opinion honestly and respectfully.

“Speak truth each one of you with his neighbor.” (Ephesians 4:25) If you are married, your closest neighbor is your spouse. So be honest and specific about your feelings when talking to your mate. Margareta, * who has been married for 26 years, says: “When I was newly married, I expected that my husband would just know how I felt when a problem arose. I learned that such an expectation was unrealistic. Now I try to express my thoughts and feelings clearly.”

Remember, your goal when discussing a problem is, not to win a battle or conquer an enemy, but simply to let your mate know your thoughts. To do so effectively, state what you think the problem is, then say when it arises, and then explain how it makes you feel. For example, if you are annoyed by your mate’s untidiness, you can respectfully say, ‘When you come home from work and leave your clothes on the floor [the when and what of the problem], I feel that my efforts to care for the home are not appreciated [explains exactly how you feel].’ Then tactfully suggest what you think would be a solution to the problem.

TRY THIS: To help you have your thoughts clearly in mind before talking to your mate, write down what you understand the problem to be and how you would like to resolve it.

3. Listen to and acknowledge your mate’s feelings.

The disciple James wrote that Christians should be “swift about hearing, slow about speaking, slow about wrath.” (James 1:19) Few things cause more unhappiness in a marriage than the impression that your partner does not understand how you feel about a problem. So be determined not to give your mate such an impression!—Matthew 7:12.

Wolfgang, who has been married for 35 years, says, “When we discuss problems, I get kind of tense inside, especially when I feel that my wife doesn’t understand my way of thinking.” Dianna, now married for 20 years, admits, “I often complain to my husband that he doesn’t really listen to me when we discuss problems.” How can you overcome this barrier?

Do not presume that you know what your partner is thinking or feeling. “By  presumptuousness one only causes a struggle, but with those consulting together there is wisdom,” states God’s Word. (Proverbs 13:10) Allow your spouse the dignity of expressing his or her opinion without interruption. Then, to ensure that you understood what was said, rephrase what you heard and repeat it to your mate, doing so without sarcasm or aggression. Permit your mate to correct you if you misunderstood something that was said. Do not do all the talking. Take turns in this style of conversation until you both agree that you understand each other’s thoughts and feelings on the matter.

True, it requires humility and patience to listen attentively to your spouse and to acknowledge his or her opinion. But if you take the lead in showing your mate such honor, your mate will be more inclined to honor you.—Matthew 7:2; Romans 12:10.

TRY THIS: When repeating your mate’s comments, do not just parrot his or her exact words. In an empathetic manner, try to describe what you understand your mate is both saying and feeling.—1 Peter 3:8.

4. Agree on a solution.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their hard work. For if one of them should fall, the other one can raise his partner up.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10) Few problems in a marriage can be solved unless both partners work together and support each other.

True, Jehovah appointed the husband as head of the family. (1 Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:23) But headship does not mean dictatorship. A wise husband will not make arbitrary decisions. David, married for 20 years, says, “I try to find a point of agreement with my wife and look for a decision we both can support.” Tanya, now married for seven years, says: “It isn’t about who is right and who is wrong. Sometimes there are just different opinions on how to solve a problem. I have found that the key to success is to be flexible and reasonable.”

TRY THIS: Create a spirit of teamwork by having both of you write down as many different possible solutions to the problem as you can think of. When you have run out of ideas, review your list and implement the solution that you both agree on. Then pick a time in the near future when you will check whether the decision has been acted on and how successful it has been.

Give To Get

I've been obsessing lately over the lack of romance in my marriage. It's consuming my every thought and breathe. More than hubby knows. But with the help of a tweet, I just had an aha moment. (This is the first time twitter has made my life. Put a little effort into it and magical things happen.)

"The key for both sides is to do what's needed to have the other side wanting to offer... whether it be sex or romance." - Tweeter that shall remain anonymous

Hubby and I went on a date the other night, and although he tried by opening up the car door on 2 occasions, the romance fell flat. But I don't want to harp on what he didn't do. Instead I want to talk about that quote... I was told that a man's idea of romance is sex. yes, very basic and to be expected. A woman's idea of romance has very little to do with sex and can take an unlimited number of forms. Whatever the form, as long as the woman feels like she's the most beautiful and most special woman in the universe, romance has been accomplished.

The problem in my house, (here's where the quote comes in) is that neither of us have the other side wanting to offer what each other needs. Hubby doesn't do anything that makes me want to offer sex. And I don't do anything that makes him want to offer romance. I have relations with him because I know I need to in order to keep my man and whenever the urge hits me. Hubby romances me when... well. He romanced me when he was trying to become my one and only. In the here and now? Not so much.

So now that we're 3 years in, and the romance is gone and relations are by obligation or by my need, I'm finding that that quote will be my inspiration for a better relationship. And it's not that our relationship is all that bad because we've been doing very well lately. It's just that I have a need that is not getting filled. I'm 99% sure that he'll say the same thing of me. The danger of not fulfilling each others needs could be detrimental. An extra marital affair, the-needle-that-broke-the-camels-back argument, or all out disappointment in our marriage.

Deep down inside though, I find it hard to be the one to start this giving process. It's a very complex thing to give of yourself intimately when you don't feel cherished. Yes, he'll say that he cherishes me. But I don't FEEL cherished. We're best friends. We laugh. We can hang. I enjoy being with him. He enjoys picking on me. That's my homie. But does he make me blush? When he sings Carl Thomas' lyrics in the car ("I couldn't take my eyes off that girl for nothing. She looks like love. It felt so natural...I'm all caught up..."), I always get jealous of the air that he sings that too. If those words fell on me in all sincerity and genuineness that I can read from his eyes, I'd be putty in his hands.

But we're young. Relationships go through phases. At 28 and 30, being homies is what it's all about. We're hanging out with friends, we have no kids, we're having a whole bunch of fun. At 38 and 40, I'm hoping that the game changes up a bit. It seems like the older you get, the more you appreciate each other and see the beauty of the other.

But before I die of this lack, I have to figure out how to get it. Cause telling him just doesn't work.

Crazy Sexy Cool

"Wrong ring. Wrong guy" - Samantha

I'm watching Sex and the City while working from home today. I used to feel like that. If he proposed with the wrong ring, something that's so NOT you, then does he really know you? Now that I'm 2.5 years in, I can tell you that his taste in diamonds can be changed. That is the LEAST of your worries. The things you CAN'T change are the ones you need to worry about. Blatant things like his disrespect for women and his utter laziness or subtle things like his snoring at night and his sickening habit of farting when he pees. (lol. I had to laugh at that last one.) Well maybe those are things that can be changed with time, but YOU most certainly cannot change them nor should you try. That's what I'm learning in my marriage. I cannot change my husband. So lesson #492 is to let him be him. To do that, I have to do 1 of 2 things. Either ignore the things I can't change or become okay with whatever he's doing that I disapprove of. That leads me into a TLC-ism. Crazy Sexy Cool. If you have the album or have heard the album, you know what I'm talking about. That's my new motto. Crazy Sexy Cool.

Channel it J. Channel it.

Ran-Dumb Thoughts (Special Edition)

I'm struggling
I think I'm getting sick
And marriage has been incredibly hard
It's internally hard
There's not a day that goes by where I'm not fighting myself
Fighting not to say something
Fighting not to nag
Fighting to do what's unnatural
Fighting to be upbuilding
Fighting to remember what the Bible says to do
This morning, there was a serious war in my brain
Do I push him to get up since he's late?
Will he think I'm nagging?
Is there a way I can say it nicely?
Just don't say anything at all
He's grown
He knows what time he needs to be at work
But wouldn't it be considered helpful?
Looking out for his best interest?
Especially since he has to leave on time today
That means he'll have to stay late one day
I hate it when he stays late
Is it my job to make him a better man?
Yes
No
Just shutup J
Seriously
That's what I did this morning while trying to snuggle into him
For 15 minutes straight
Every single minute that I'm around him seems to be like that
A constant battle
Cannons and rifles and knifes
Shots and screams and explosions
That's how I feel internally
And when I say it's like that every single minute I'm around him
I'M NOT LYING
My mind moves a mile a minute
It's tiring
And when he reads this
I wonder if he'll use it against me
Will my super active mind come up in discussion
Or even an argument
I'm trying to be the best me
Which is why it moves like that
Trying to think before I act
Find the right course
Find the path of least resistance
I want to do the right thing
Cause the least amount of stress as possible
I want to be the best me
But maybe the best 'me' is not stress free?
But I've begun to question whether it's 'me' he wants
Perhaps he doesn't like my natural 'me'
So how do I be 'me'
I want to be his buddy
I want to be his roll dog
I want us to have each other's backs
I want us to be close
But in reality
I'm his wife
And not in a good way either
I think he sees me as his mate that tries to keep him in line
The nagging one
The strict one
The enforcer
I'd rather not be those things
I'd rather not have to nag
I'd rather not have to say 'Can you clean the...'
I wish the household tasks where like a robotic machine
All wheels, rivets and gears did what they should do without word
I don't know
It's hard to be a wife
To have this craving for a man
And to be the backbone of the house
And to be the backbone of the man
To encourage
To be chill
To be fun
To be sweet
To sex
To cook
To clean
I have so many roles
So many support function
I feel like I'm juggling 10 balls
And not doing a very good job of it
I'm not balancing them all correctly
And that's why he doesn't like 'me'
Every day is a constant struggle
We're not as close as we used to be
And it breaks my heart
But I can't say anything
Because I'm just drunk off love
I'm extra
I'm over and above
He says love is not like that
He rolls his eyes or laughs
Or worse
Gets sad
Then I made him sad
I'm not being encouraging
I'm not lifting him up
I failed as a wife
What it is to be a wife
I had no idea
I have to be everything
And I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing
I'm trying to smile
Trying to be 'cool'
Trying to be 'fun'
Whatever he wants me to be
I want to be it all for him
Because I crave him
I need to touch him
Feel his heat
Hold his hand
I love it when he lays his hand on me in bed
He probably thinks its nothing
And it means nothing to him
But for me it's everything
It begins fills the gaping hole I have to feel 'in love'
It makes me feel like he recognizes me
It makes me feel like he appreciates how hard I'm working
How much I DON'T say
I know that's not what he's thinking
But I like to imagine
To remember the single moments when he touches me
I don't know why I'm crying
I'm overwhelmed by life I guess
I wonder if he'll ever be into me like he was
Or will I always feel like something on his to do list
Will he ever again take my face in his hands and say something beautiful
Will he ever nervously wonder if I'll be with him forever
Will he ever again think I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him
Or is all that a distant memory?
I want us to be solid
'Solid as a rock'
But I feel we're fighting to hold on
Fighting for peace
And it's with this fight that I'm pressing forward with
At the same time though...
I'm struggling

The Happenings

I know I know I know...

I'm slacking on the blogging. I've been uber busy lately. I feel like I've been running at a constant pace at work for the past two weeks. There's absolutely no time to jog. I'm not quite sprinting, but I'm still exerting quite a bit of effort. That's okay though. The days go by faster.

I've gotten quite a bit of j.a.design storyboard requests lately. Mostly family members. It's helped me get back into my passion. I was on a bit of a hiatus from it actually. I think that comes from my house being settled. Of course there are things I could always change in the house but I'd rather spend my money on clothes right now. Fall shopping is priority.

What else has been going on? Well October is a busy month in general. Three weddings three weekends in a row. We will be on our way to Ohio after work Friday. I'm excited to get out of DC. I feel like it's been a while since I've been anywhere outside of the home area.

I've added 2 Bible studies to my plate and I love them. They're usually on Sunday but sometimes schedules don't allow for that so it's taken a bit of energy to plan, reschedule and commit. I also have to prepare for each of these studies ahead of time so that's takes some diligence as well. I really want my students to get the most of their studies. My favorite study is with Sam. A 20 year old witness who says she doesn't feel like one and doesn't feel close to God at all. Since she's not new in the truth, I'm giving her a crash course. In addition to her studies and preparing for meetings, she has homework to work on her prayers. She doesn't feel like God will hear her. I assured her otherwise. I'm excited to see where we are in a year. Speaking of Bible studies, hubby and I had a bomb family worship. Our marriage went through a period of stress so we considered Bible literature on marital relationships. It was nice to read it after the dust settled on our mini-war (for a lack of a better word). We simply read the entire article out loud, alternating paragraphs. No comments were necessary. Afterwards, we each took a sheet of paper and wrote down 4 or 5 things we each are inspired to work on. After sharing those with each other, we took each others sheet, flipped it over and wrote 2 or 3 things we need from the other. We read them, processed, clarified and put them on our nightstands for keeping. It was so simple. There was a lot of quiet understanding, realizations, readjusting and thoughtfulness going on. It was divine.

Next month is November. Where does the time go? It'll be 2013 in no time! I feel like new goals are in order. Sounds like a 'goal' blogpost is in order. Oh! Brandy's 'Two Eleven' album is out! Did you get it? I listened to a bit of it this morning while getting dressed. I'll give the whole thing a listen today as I work.

Alright y'all. I probably won't blog again this week so have a good weekend! Pray for our safe travels!

Ciao!

Marriage = Work + Moments of Loveliness

TIP gets married Sat. Wedding planning is torture. I know that. So while I'm concerned about her, I'm super excited. I hope that she's keeping her head above water. Most of all, amid all the chaos, I hope she feels like she's making the best decision of her life. I want her to have her happy ending.

For real for real, the wedding day IS the happy ending. Look at all the movies and fairy tales we see. That's usually how it ends. Because from that day forward, is the beginning of a life full of work and tolerance. I don't mean to sound so grim, but I'm not going to lie or sugar coat it. The wedding day is all about a celebration of love and feeling those emotions of warmth and romance and whatever else. After that, it's about the grind. Yes, you do come upon the days when you feel loved and give love, but for the most part, it's about co-existing in peace and order. For real for real, it's about being friends.

I find that in marriage you have to force yourself to remember how you were during the dating period - that kind, attentive, loving, sweet person that you were. And then after you heave those memories into your mind, you have to channel it into the present. If it's done right, you can probably bet a day or two of loveliness. But because we're all creatures of habit, it won't last long. That's why as married people, we have to make sure to create daily habits that foster a peaceful co-existence. I read this blog the other day entitled "Ten Basic Reminders All Couples Should Have In Their Phone". I thought this was very practical and useful. If couples can get in the habit of practicing some or all of these on a normal, regular day, than I think you pretty much have a successful marriage. Here are the ten below, but click here to view the blog for a more detailed explanation.

1. Say I love You.
2. Be Considerate.
3. Send a Nice Text.
4. Say please AND thank you.
5. Put the (fill in the blank) down NOW and have a conversation.
6. Give a hug.
7. Remember, no one is perfect, including YOU.
8. Show some interest.
9. Get over IT.
10. Try harder to get over IT.

I want to add 2 to this list.
11. Apply Bible principles. You know like the fruitage of the spirit. joy, peace, long-suffering, etc.
12. Pray together.

Notice that all of these things take WORK and none of this comes easy. So if couples who really love each other want to make sure they stay together forever, they will WORK for it each and every day and hopefully have moments and peppered days of romance and pure loveliness. That's what I call a good marriage.

Congratulations to my strong, smart and loyal sistafriend. I love you Tiff!

Showered With Love

I had the honor of photographing my good friend Tiffany's "Brunch At Tiffany's" vintage inspired bridal shower. I'm glad I was able to capture moments of a very special day. Here are a few of the shots I'm gifting the bride. Enjoy!

Congratulations Tiff!

What's My Identity?

I was watching one of my tv shows this morning and was basking in how womanly the main characters were. Strong. Fierce. Solid. Curvy. Feminine. They were true grown women. Women with confidence. Women with experience. Women who know what they want and what they have to offer the world.

While putting on my M.A.C. red lipstick and I had to pause a little bit while meditating on what a 'grown woman' is. After about 10 seconds, a light bulb went off, I titled my head to the side, looked at myself in the mirror and said 'I'm a grown woman too!' Well I didn't quite say that out loud, but I might as well have because the sentence was so clear in my head. If I were to have this conversation with another, I can already hear the response. 'Well what did you think you were?!' Yes, technically I am a grown woman, but I haven't thought of myself in the way in a very long time.

Then, of course, I began to wonder why. Immediately, I narrowed in on my relationship with my husband. I don't know if it's that he's younger than me and loves to joke, play around and have fun, but I don't feel like a grown woman when I'm with him. Actually, bag that younger-than-me-stuff. Yes we are young at heart together but that's not it. It's more than that. I feel like a female who's under the wing of a man. And that image/sentiment makes me more of a kin to a little yellow, newborn chic than a strong, independent gazelle. Does that make sense? I don't know why I'm likening myself to farm animals but the analogy fits right?

It's interesting how having a husbandly head changes my identity. For sure I used to be that confident, experienced, truly grown woman, especially as a single woman. And maybe that's the way people see me from the outside, but that's definitely not how I feel. And that's not a bad thing. I feel protected. I feel delicate like a well-made vase. I feel like I'm second-in-command, which I am and have no problems with. I like how my husband makes me feel. I love not having to be in charge of everything and having to make major life decisions, difficult decisions on my own. I like being able to watch him handle it all, because he can and does it well. Well of course a woman keeps a household together so I like being in charge without really having to be in charge, if you know what I mean. In any case, I am someone's complement. I am someone's someone. I am attached to someone else. On the outside and to others, I may be what I'm seeing in other women, but I certainly don't feel like one.

But that begs the question...Should having a husbandly head change my identity? I am definitely not the person I used to be when I was single. But there should be things about you that are firm and true. You should have a foundation and know who you are right? So, I repeat. Should having a husbandly head change my identity?

Cue Tony Toni Tone: It's Our Anniversary...

My neck is killing me and this office is dead. Why even bother opening the office on Good Friday?

Anyway. Our anniversary is coming up. May 7th. Been thinking about how my cousins' (May 4th), my parents' (May 13th) and our anniversary will be all around the same time. So happy that my fam bam is getting married. It's going to be a fun weekend with all of my family in town. I'm really looking forward to that weekend. I got my dress. I didn't realize it's as body hugging as it is. I would send it back for another size but then the top might be too big. A loose wrap or light sweater it is. No time to be messing around and switching outfits.

Back to my anniversary. I managed to "sucker" (as he calls it) hubby into buying Beyonce tickets for us. Well for me. I canNOT wait. I have not seen her since The Beyonce Experience in 2008. Seeing as those she's one of my favorite performers, that's far too long. We had our honeymoon in Atlantic City too so it's the perfect choice. Atlantic City here we come! Next year, I don't expect to be able to go away or do too much for our anniversary. I want to plan for an out of the country trip in 2015. But that's neither here nor there. MJ requested that I purchase him a couple of new wedding bands being that he spent an inordinate amount of money on those tickets. Thank goodness tungsten rings are inexpensive. I wonder what else he's going to ask for though. I know he's not going to let me get away with spending what I spent.

Separate from the superficial and material stuff, I really am looking forward to celebrating two years of marriage with my man. It feels like we've been together forever one on hand, but on the other hand, it feels like we're just starting our lives together. I like that. I was thinking about my exes the other day and I was able to think with certainty that I married the man who was best for me. While he's not perfect, he's perfect for me. He makes me be a better woman in the most important ways which is something my exes didn't do for me. I had a whole bunch of fun and heartfelt times with them, but I looking back on it, I don't feel like they were looking out for my desires and needs. Well actually, my ex-fiance did me the greatest service by breaking up with me. It was because he was looking out for me that he did so. Not feeling like he could give me what I want or be what I needed, he ended our relationship. While I died inside in that moment (and for a good 6 months later), it was the greatest gift he could have ever given me. So yeah, hubby is right for me in all the areas that matter the most. Sure there are areas that could be better, but that's what happens with imperfect people. The great part is that both of us are fighters. Fighters for a happy marriage that is. I'm so proud of my husband. He's grown so much since we've first started dating. I remember thanking Jehovah so profusely for MJ when he first popped up in my life. I should continue doing that, because Jehovah knows he is a gift!

Happy anniversary love of my life! I wholeheartedly look forward to all the experiences that we'll have in the coming years. Stick with me babe. It's going to be fun!

Is Parenthood Losing Its Luster?

There's a discussion going on under this title on VSB's blog. Click here to read. I'm finding out that many people in my demographic aren't in favor of having kids. My immediate and lasting reaction was shock. This stirred a bit of emotion in me that I can't shake.

Three of the comments that hit me the most are the following:

When I read that most don't want children, I had this emotion that I couldn't explain. This was what I was trying to express but couldn't.

"This is making me sad. I’m always pro child-free living for the individual… but to see it collectively… to see the vast majority completely opting out… makes me so.entirely.sad.
It’s like… if it’s a few folks, it’s a personal choice…. if it’s an entire population, it’s cultural suicide."

There are so many comments dedicated to why it's not a good idea to have kids, but then I read this and said WOW.

"Even though I have a son, I can understand those not wanting to have any kids, and have no desire to condemn their ambivalence. Some people are just not meant to be parent’s and I applaud those who are honest with themselves about it, as opposed to squeezing some out to please other people.
But then again not wanting to have kids doesn’t necessarily stop you from having them.Even birth control isn’t a complete fail safe, shout out to my BFF on baby #3 while on the IUD. If you hump, they will come…eventually.
 

Truth be told, I never wanted kids or to be married, then I looked up at 21 and found myself with both. I guess that Paul McCartney song is right, “life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans, and stuff.”
 

But I didn’t really have any rigid life plans before I had my son, I’m not really good with structure, so my son’s birth didn’t really interrupt anything besides my plans to own a 69 Mustang.
 

True enough children do change everything about your life. When I wonder about what my life would be like if I didn’t have a child, I figure I’d have nicer things, more free time, and less stress. And yeah that’s nice, it seems real nice since all three are scarce commodities when being a single parent. But I honestly, feel that nicer things and more free time , pales in comparison with what my son gives me. He’s the first human being I’ve ever been able to maintain a stable loving relationship with, and the only person who motivates me to be a better person, the only person I’ve ever felt accountable to. In a lot of ways he taught me a lot about myself, and what I’m capable of. I wasn’t confident I could be the maternal type. I owe a lot of who I am now, to having a child, though it is the most challenging, sometimes hair pulling , and tequila guzzle inducing experience I ever encountered, and eventually he will turn into a teenager (which I am not looking forward to). I’m sure I’ve had 2 mini strokes already, but I wouldn’t want a life without him, I never known anything so significant, then again I didn’t know that when I was childless. So for those who are kinda “meh” about it, that’s not abnormal, a lot of parent’s were “meh” before having kids, but you’d be surprised how much you learn to kinda like the lil buggers once they enter your life."

And then I read this... Why can't more men be like this? sniffle.

"Both of my parents are from the south and almost since birth I was made to understand that the most important thing in life is family and that the MOST important thing a REAL man can do is to protect, cherish, provide for and love his family. The idea or notion that man abandon’s his family or doesn’t want a family is beyond me and one that I just can’t grasp; while I do not knock those that don’t share the same values regarding family that I do, I just don’t understand. Not having a child is not going to be the end of my life but I know and have known for a long time now that I wanted to be a father."

Some people don't understand why this is such a big deal to me. This is simply put a topic that really means a lot to me. I can't explain it. It just is what it is. The attachment to this is real. I can't help it just like I am who I am.

Tyler Perry's 'For Better Or Worse'

For a change, I like this Tyler Perry-created show. The first two episodes were cool. I love love love how Marcus stood his ground against his ex. I was worried that he was going to make a bad choice. But nope, he stayed loyal! We need more examples of loyal, black married couples. If you want to know what I'm talking about and the episodes are not sitting in your DVR or you haven't already watched them, click here to watch the full episodes. I hope this show gets a lot of support. Tune in on Fridays at 10pm on TBS.

Positive Celebrity Relationships

With the mess that celebrity-ville has created in the relationship sector, it's no wonder we don't take them serious when we hear that two of them are getting married. While we hope it's for real, not many of us are duped into believing that it's for the long haul. That's why it's good to remember and focus on the few of the rich who HAVE held on to the sanctity of marriage. And because it's so easy for women to fall in love and ride or die for one dude (that's the nature of us!) let's run through a few of the famous husbands who just love them some love.

Let's start with the GQ man of the year, Jay-Z

This man loves him some Beyonce! So cute! I simply love their relationship. And you know Bey loves her some Jay. They have eyes for no one else.

Will

This man's passion for his wife is unlike anything I've ever seen. He is totally in love with Jada.

















T.I.

While T.I. may have stunned us with his choice of women, you can't do anything but respect the man. I mean how long have they been together?! This is a great example of a ride or die couple. T.I. and Tiny ain't going NOwhere.










Boris

Named one of the sexiest men alive, Boris could have any women he wanted. And I'm sure he's flanked with temptation every where he goes, but this faithful man only has eyes for his wife of 6 years.














Grant Hill

When I think of Grant, I think of a strong family head. I remember hearing them talk about the diagnosis of Tamia's  multiple sclerosis and his potentially fatal infection all in the same year. Knowing the stress that illness can have on a family, I'm sure it was no easy thing to deal with. But through the tough times, Tamia said that Grant was always there.











Robin Thicke

These two kids are so freakin' adorable to me! Robin just KNOWS he got himself a dime. I only hope my husband and I are this cute.
















President Barack Obama

Even the most powerful man in the United States knows what it means to love his wife. President Obama's humility shines through like a bright light whenever he's focused on his wife. It's clear that he understands the meaning of 'behind every good man is a good woman'.














Marcus

This man, my wonderful husband, is by no means a celebrity, but I can't possibly think of great husbands without mentioning my own. On his day off yesterday, this man picked up my contacts from the eye doctor, got my clothes out of the cleaners when they cost way much more than he budgeted, fixed me dinner, took care of my spiritual needs AND snuggled up into me when the day was all said and done. Most importantly, he loves me more than I ever thought I could be loved.


Honorable mention go to Nick Cannon. Nick is like a kid in a candy store around his wife. Hopefully Mariah will hold onto that.

Recently wed husbands to watch? Carmelo Anthony, Shannon Brown, Swiss Beatz and Cory Hardrict (Tia Mowry's husband). Will these husbands follow in the footsteps of the men above? We'll see!