My Truth

I know something about myself. If my job is stressful, my whole life is stressful. When my job is overwhelming, my life is overwhelming. When things are tough on the job, I can't think and there is no peace. It plays that much of a role in my life. My job affects me in a manner far more than I wish it to. That's just the way it works for me. And it's understandable being that I spend more time at work than at home. The majority of my days alive are spent on the job... When I think about that last sentence I just typed, I feel disgusted because this was not the way our lives were intended to be. Our only 'job' is supposed to be living in Jehovah's wonderful creation, subjecting creatures of the land to ourselves, and procreating. That's it.

But since imperfection prevails and our original purpose has been thwarted by sin, I need to figure out what to do. What truly makes me happy has nothing to do with work. Going to the theatre, listening to music, being outside in the sun, writing while laying in the grass, capturing beauty with a camera lens, exploring new destinations, learning about new ways of thinking, making things look lovely... That what makes me happy. How to translate that into a job that doesn't stress me out, that allows flexibility, allows me to experience something new everyday, and that provides me with enough income seems impossible. The idea of looking for another job that fits me...Ugh. Stressful. I truly believe it doesn't exist. I've had this same conversation with myself for 10 years now. I've had this same battle for TEN whole years. A DECADE. And as a result, I've bounced around from job to job in pursuit of something that I can't find.

I think I'm a flower child at heart but a corporate woman by mind. What I want most out of life is peace. I love beauty and breezes. I am attracted to the sun and happy faces. But what I've been engineered to do is manage projects, run meetings and administer systems. What really sucks about the whole thing is how well I play the corporate woman role. I play it so well in fact that managers and executives see it and push me harder until I get deeper and deeper into the web. It would all be so much easier if I sucked at my job.

I'm afraid of not having enough money. As frivolous and material as that sounds... That's why I'm afraid to pursue anything drastically different than what I'm doing right now. That's why I'm afraid to pursue what makes me happy. I've been tight with money and it is not the business. I haven't had those kinds of money issues in a while and I will admit that I'm extremely spoiled. I don't want to struggle financially. If I want a $300 dress for the assembly, then that's what I want. I'm entitled to that. ESPECIALLY after how hard I work. If I work a job that I enjoy, I find it hard to believe I'll even have $300 to buy a dress.

Some say that it's possible, but I don't believe them. I'll have to start out at the bottom all over again.

My current job is for someone who wants to climb the corporate ladder. It's for someone who wants to be seen. It's for someone who wants to be in the corporate "in" crowd. It's for someone whose life is their job.

I don't believe I should take the promotion. Yep. That's where this is leading me to. I think I'm finally coming into some clarity.

Finally.

Update: My mom read my blog and reminded me of this quote from the movie After Earth with Will Smith. “Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.” Now... how to actually incorporate this into my truth...Gotta mull that one over.

Discovering Joy

I had a creative orgasm this weekend. Yep. That's what I'm going to call it. While recuperating from a sinus cold on Saturday, I went from blog to website to blog to website discovering new designers, photographers and fashionistas who nearly made me loose my mind. I think I have an obsession with clean and crisp sites. There's something about them that draws me in and immediately impresses me. The site could be about doo doo. If it's clean and well organized and pretty, I'll read it. Anyway, I learned so much from browsing these sites.

I found a new 'Olivia Palermo' (my fashion icon) that I probably will steal outfit ideas from. I figured out where all these bloggers are getting their customized templates from. I happened upon some design ideas for my jacreative blog and I was introduced to a woman named Joy Deangdeelert Cho by way of Emily Henderson's blog (my designer icon). Emily just finished designing Joy's new studio space. You should take a look here. It's pretty cute.

Now Joy is an interesting woman. She is a mother and wife but more interestingly, she has her own design company called 'Oh Joy'. But I don't think it's fair to corner her into the box of 'designer'. This woman does A LOT. At her studio, she helps clients figure out their identity, packaging and more. She also creates products like stationary, fabric, baby clothing and wallpaper. I mean this woman has stuff in Target, Anthropologie AND Urban Outfitters. And then to top it off, she has a new branch of her company called 'Rx' in which she consults for and mentors small businesses/individuals on how to get their business off the ground, keep work/life balance, decide on next steps career wise, etc. I mean, hello?! Who does all of that?!

So you know of course she's a writer too. I bought both of these books.



"Creative, Inc." made me think of two of my 'sisters' who are new into the freelancing business world. "Blog, Inc." obviously piqued my interest because I'm a blogger. I skimmed through both books and as I did so, I found it funny how the key items she discussed like how to organize your blog and the importance of getting your site's link on other people's blogs had everything to do with how I found Joy and ultimately purchased not one, but two of her products. Smart cookie. But I think she's more than smart. She's helpful. I see that from 'Rx' and from these two books. There's no doubt that she's more than a designer. She's a philanthropist, a mentor and a… what's the best way to put this? A human being! And I can bet you $100 that that's what she wants her brand to represent. I got all of that from a blog, a website which housed her portfolio, a short youtube video and a book (or two). Sounds like a recipe for success to me.

To all my freelance readers and freelancers in the making, I think there's a lesson or two to learn here. Right?

What I'm Made Of

Shannon Evans's blog serves as my shot of inspiration. I don't often term myself as a creative person, even though I am. But when I remember to check out her latest blog posts, she wraps me into a world of creativity that I feel like I belong to. Then I start to feel the passion.

'I am a writer dag on it!'

'I am a photographer!'

'I AM a designer!'

'And I'm good at it!'

As I perused her blog, Shannon rekindled these 'career' notions I've been toying with again. She has a few videos on her blog from an organization called TED whose whole purpose is to spread ideas. It's basically a collection of talks by riveting people whose whole point is to inspire you. I listened to a few of the talks and while they were good, I wasn't exactly inspired to leave my job like Shannon was. It didn't hit me the same way it hit her. Maybe that's because I don't have the same type of hole that Shannon did when she ran out of her office in corporate America and balled her eyes out. Maybe it's been drilled in me that I actually do have a career outside of corporate America that potentially saves people's life's (the ministry). Maybe it's because I like my paycheck. Whatever it is that stopped the inspiration from compelling me to stop over into my manager's office and firmly proclaim 'I resign', I'm going to listen to it. And I'm okay not to feel the same things as Shannon or other people I've known who decided to pursue their passions singularly.

So yes, Shannon inspired me. She inspired me to think, to listen, to feel and to decide. This is not to say that I will always stay satisfied with this corporate America job. More than anything, I believe my situation in life will dictate that satisfaction or lack of. Once I start to feel unsatisfied will be the real test. Will I take hold of the inspiration I get from Shannon and others and DO something about it. I hope to never become unsatisfied though. That way I won't have to find out what I'm really made of.

Career Moves

I love love love how I feel when a e-décor client comes back to me and says "I LOVE EVERYTHING!! It's pretty Jendayi, you did really good!" Ugh. My heart just swells, especially because I spent A LOT, and I mean A LOT, of time and energy on the client's e-design who gave me those rave reviews. I am beyond pleased with this hobby for hire service of mine. If I got rave reviews like this all the time, I might be able to do a little something something with this! This is one of the things that I feel I am 100% good at. 

Check out the latest piece of work that my client so lovingly adored here.

 

Just in Case

The thought has been heavy on my mind.

What if I were able to sustain myself on photography and interior design? What if it would be a dream come true to work for myself? What if that ends up being what's best for my family?

Or will doing photography and interior design full time take away from the enjoyment that I get from it now? I could probably hang tough with interior design. Photography might not be where it's it. I realize I only like photographing people I know. Lol. While on my family reunion, I loved taking photos for my family. No one asked me to, but I knew that they would appreciate the results. And they did. I felt like I made a major contribution to the family that way.

Just in case though, I think I might take my hobbies a bit more seriously. Just in case...

Time Flies

Wow. Time certainly flies doesn't it? It's been 3 weeks since I blogged last. Summer is already here. And half of the year is already pretty much over. I feel like I need to catch up before I get left behind. Speaking of catching up, here's an update on life.

Love
My marriage hasn't been this good since my first month of marriage. You know what he said to me this weekend? We were relaxing in bed. I was on my iPad searching for a special something (more on that to come!), and he was laying there watching me. Out of the blue he says, 'You're so cute.' Since I had my bonnet on my head, I turned to look at him with disbelief in my eyes, but then he went on to mention that he really likes me and plays with me so much because of how much he enjoys me. If you know my husband, you know how much of a joker he is, so to be the object of his jokes I guess is a good thing. Nevertheless, it was so nice to hear him express himself out of the blue. I live for moments like that.

Right now, he's in the man cave with 4 or 5 other guys who kind of invited themselves over at the last minute. Game 7 must be entertaining because I can hear them all the way up here in my bedroom. I'm glad hubby is having fun though. As time has progressed, I care more about him smiling and having fun and being happy than I used to. One can either look at that as a terrible thing, or a good thing. I choose the latter.

Girlfriends
I've only had one girlfriend who I talked to almost every single day. I was her person and she was mine. I miss that a bit. I have a great group of girls to hang out with and talk to if needed, but it doesn't go much farther. And I'm ok with that for now. I had a great double date with a new couple on Friday. It's interesting to watch a budding romance as a married person. You have so many suggestions and ideas and cautions to give. At the same time, by watching the new couple, you get to remember your courtship days. Besides all that though, I had a really good time. We dived into a few good conversations that allowed us to all show each other who we really are. I love stuff like that. Not to mention that the weather was perfect. I haven't gone to a rooftop lounge in a long time… since days in LA in fact. Looking out over the DC landscape was nice. I want to do more things like that with people. Eat, talk, have deep conversation, laugh. Sometimes I wish I had my person that made me her person so I could do that all the time without having to call someone up and ask them, but it's all good. Sometimes you have to put the work in and I'm not going to be lazy about it.

Family
Sis and brother-in-law are good. They are studying the Bible together with another spiritually mature couple. Loving that. The couple that they're studying with visited DC over Memorial weekend so hubby and I got to meet them. I think they are all a good fit for each other. I'm excited to see where the studies take my family. Mom and Dad are good too. Same ole with them. My mom calls me every day it seems. Dad is still as chipper and happy as he's always been. My in-laws are all doing well. They have teenage son issues, but what family with a teenage son doesn't?

Spirituality
If I had to rate my zeal right now, it would be a 7 with 10 being the highest and 1 the lowest. We had a public talk recently about whether your heart goes out in the ministry with you whenever you do field service. I thought that was interesting because I'm not sure mine does. So I want to work on that. I'm still very consistent in my commenting and my preparation. My Bible reading isn't that great though. In family worship tonight, hubby and I did the Bible reading for the week together. That was nice. We put in our applications for the Regional Building Committee a few weeks back. I'm nervous and excited at the same time. The idea of building Kingdom Halls and Assembly Halls is cool. Especially since I love interior design. Hopefully I'll get to help out with something like that.

Car
Can I just say that I love my car?! I had to drive out to Reston, VA today for a meeting and the drive was so much more enjoyable simply because of my car. I was thinking about my love for my car as I was breezing down George Washington Memorial Parkway. I haven't felt this good about a choice in a long time.

Career
Meh. It's there. I have a job. I get paid on time. The end.

Future
Here's what I'm looking forward to.
1. Visiting Hampton this weekend, seeing hubby's dad and my preggers amiga and of course, doing some outlet shopping which I really saved for this time! No credit cards.
2. The convention. I think we're getting a new Bible or something. There have been plenty of clues/hints leading me to this conclusion. I mean why else can no one order a Bible anymore at the literature counter?
3. My family reunion. I have $72 more to pay and then I'm free. A week long vacation on the beach with all of my family can't come soon enough. I think this is the first year that every single person will be there too. All of the cousins, the grand babies…everyone.

I think that's a sufficient update, don't you?

Do The Work

I took the day off today. When I woke up this morning, I had that familiar feeling. The feeling of disdain when thinking of another day of work. It's been over a year since I've been at my job and up until recently, I've enjoyed it. For the most part. But these past couple of weeks have been trying. I've experienced what I call 'work dread' in past jobs and it's not the business. 'Work dread' consumes your life. You spend weekends living it up way past the point that you should all to mask the eventuality of 5 days of prison. So I've made a decision. I'm going to do the work and fortify myself. I'm going to make the decision to not have that old experience again.

So I'm revisiting a book by Amy DuBois Barnett that had a profound effect on me in my 20's. While I'm in a different place in my life now, I can probably pull some quotes out of it that'll help me. Like this one...

"We don't appreciate the good things we may already have and we certainly don't value the experience of adversity and the strength it gives us to make the life we truly want." ~ Two things... My job is a good thing. It's a blessing. I'm financially comfortable and appreciate that. Secondly, the adversity that I'm going through right now is only going to make me stronger. Maybe I'm learning tools that'll help me to be a good wife or mother. I should always look at the adversity and say 'what can you learn out of this?'

"For the first time in my life, I was truly happy because I'd created this life for myself." My sis Tiff has been posting thoughts like this on instagram lately and it's forced me to think. Happiness is a choice. It's a unilateral choice. No one can help you be happy and no one can force you to be unhappy. My manager cannot force me to be unhappy. I have to create my own happiness.

"When you fall in love with who you really are, it's that much easier to be you, always." This isn't work related. Just something that strikes me and is worth typing out. I think I was at my best when I lived in LA. It wasn't so much the location as it was the space I was in. I was learning, growing, understanding, and defining myself.

"Living a full life is actually experiencing the entire range of emotions we have...being able to understand challenges as experiences in one long adventure will change your whole attitude." This is a good one. If you understand the challenge as that, then you can also understand the positives.

"Learn from others' successes and failures." This is under the subheading Stop Comparing Yourself To Others. I think this will help me with my manager. He's a bit of an overachiever which means that sometimes the work he has me do is over and above. I'm a numbers person and if you know anything about math, engineering and technical people, you know that we look for shortcuts. We're lazy. We try to complete a task with the least amount of steps. So my manager frustrates me when he asks me to do things that I feel are unnecessary. But I need not focus on that. The fact of the matter is that he's a smart guy who leaves no leaf unturned. He is more thorough than anyone I've ever met. I can learn from that. I need to learn from that. There's no problem with stretching myself a little bit more.

Ok, I think that's enough. I'm going to keep reading but I'm done with typing. I'm all about doing the work today...

Work is Work

My back hurts sooooo bad. The stress from composing yesterday's 15 slide presentation for the VP is beating me down. My back is tighter than Boris Kodjoe's abs.

Speaking of Boris Kodjoe, Marcus and I happened upon a woman while we were out in the ministry who said we look like 'Boris Kodjoe and 'em'. We thought that was pretty funny. She was so bright and happy. We have to go visit her again. Marcus makes me look good though. He's clearly the more attractive one out of us two.

Back to my stiff back... I'm taking it easy today. I declare it. I'm doing as little as possible here at work today. I need a minute and a mental break. I haven't gotten word, but I know January is going to be a doosie. Presentations and meetings galore about 2012 and pushing forward into 2013. And guess who's going to have to CREATE all of those presentations? Ugh. I should probably start now, before I get the assignment. But today is not the day. All in all though, I'm glad to have a job. While I was in the shower, I was thinking about how refreshing it is to have somewhere to be. I can only say that because I used to have no where to go back in the day when I was unemployed. There are only so many days that you can feel ok sitting at home while the rest of the world is about their business and on their grind.

Ugh. My phone is about to ring. Work is coming. I know it. "Can I call you in a second?" What am I supposed to reply back with?

Duty calls...

The Glow

It's amazing how different my blog is now. When I first started blogging 6 years ago (it's been SIX years!!! WOW), I wrote a lot of emotional melodramatic lyrics and poems about my confused, little life. (It's funny how I can say that now.) I talked a lot about finding myself, making friends, my love affair with music and of course, men. No doubt, I was obsessed with the process to finding a husband. If I can categorize the first 5 years of this blog, I would say I was in a hunter green kind of search mode. (I have colors on the brain so please excuse the analogy.) I was confused, I was figuring things out and I was finding myself.

The past year and a half of blogging time has been more so dedicated to the things I now either love or am looking forward to. Marriage, interior design, parenting, inspiration, fashion, etc. I'm in a much more turquoise state of light if you will. A bright but inquisitive space. It's quite refreshing.

And refreshed is exactly what I felt when I happened upon The Glow - a site dedicated to fashionable and inspiring moms. Photographers, designers, painters, pr consultants...Even though I'm not a mother, I feel so connected to the images and the idea behind the site. It makes me dream and inspires me. There's so much that I could say because there's a lot of feeling inside of me right now, but the words won't match... So I'll let the images just tell it for me.

I love that these are the things I blog about now. It makes a huge difference towards my level of joy.

My Manager...

...likes to create work for ourselves. And thus I have the work blues.

I don't know anyone who actually LIKES to be responsible for EVERYTHING. His breed is certainly of another kind. Do you know he told me that I need to create some sort of report to track when it's time for me to pay someone their spot award? Huh? Why would I go on a fishing expedition for someone who should come to ME when they found they have met the requirements for an award? If you are taking steps to qualify for an incentive award, it's only reasonable that you let me know when the award has been approved right? Talking about create-a-report-so-I-can-know-when-someone-wins-an-award... NO! Do you know how long it's going to take me to do that?! Especially considering that none of the tracking mechanisms for awards are currently IN the system! I would have to create the data fields, get the data dumped into the system, test it, and then build reports. Dude is tripping.

I can already feel that I'm going to need to courteously tell him that he's drowning us both. I'm going to have to tell him in some sort of fashion that sales needs to do sales work, I need to do analysis work, and he needs to do marketing work. I'm not managing sales reps' opportunities. That's their job. When he told me that we were going to compute averages and then load them back into the rep's opportunities, that's when I knew he lost it. Why would we take on the job of asking them which opportunities we can load this month's averages into and then do the loading? THEY are responsible for THEIR opportunities. Sure I can give them the averages, but it's up to THEM to decide if they are appropriate or if they have more knowledge than what an average may mean.

He's definitely tripping.

I'm Focused Man

You would think it was the week before my period because my emotions have been insane. I'm much better today than I was yesterday though. I had to refocus my energies and map out a system for my sanity. Yesterday was one of those days when I was in my head, talking myself in and out of crazy notions. I must have written 4 or 5 journal entries trying to straighten out my confusion. I convinced myself that my husband didn't want a baby, or at least not as much as I want one. We've talked about it, but not in the way that two serious people would. The conversations are always haphazard and jokingly light. But instead of wallowing in fear of what my future might not hold, I got it together and devised a plan. A spiritual plan.

Considering how unhappy and crazy I was yesterday, I dug into some material on 'joy' last night. It seems like I come around to this topic every so often, doesn't it? It's an area that I don't do too well in. I've accepted that I am a pessimistic person so I might need to revisit it every quarter, if not more. Anyway, I realize now that my eight months of unemployment/freedom are over, I haven't been out in the ministry as much. Well let's be honest...while my calendar says I've done 8 hours of service, I can't even remember the last time I actually went out. I probably haven't met the group in a month of Saturdays. So in an effort to busy myself with something other than worrying and spazzing out, I've decided to get back into action. I know that I can't do as much as I used to do, but perhaps I can do more than I did when I worked back in the day. It's not so much that I looove being in the ministry. I more so do it to preserve my sanity. When you focus on others, you really don't have time to focus on your shortcomings and issues. Alone time with my thoughts is a dangerous thing.

I think I also need to start recounting my blessings. I take EVERYHING for granted. I know that because when asked to write down my blessings, I usually come up with nothing. How insane is that? This time, I'm going to think about this week's lessons in the Yearbook and compare myself and my issues to theirs. Most of the time, these people are WAY worse off than me. I have to remember that Jehovah has blessed me with more than I can count. I'm determined to find a way not to make Jehovah think that I don't care.

I have to remain focused. There are so many things that could be ahead of me. I think my heart is in the right place so all I have to do is apply what I know and get working. My eyes are straight ahead and I'm ready to grind. Spiritually, career-wise and financially. That's all I care about right now.

Dab of Caramel

You'd think I'd be used to this by now. Being one of the few black girls in a predominately white establishment. But I'm beginning to wonder if it's ever something you can get used to. Is it something that I'll ever not notice? This time around it's different though. This time around, I actually WANT to be the singular black girl.

I've come into a space in my life where I own my color. I think this new found confidence among a sea of whites has everything to do with not only age/maturity, but my time at Essence Magazine. That place has truly shaped how I feel about myself in corporate America. I wrote about this yesterday in my journal, but I want to share here that before Essence, I tried to blend in with the whites. I didn't want to wear my hair natural, I would never try to dress different and I surely didn't want people to know too much about my background. Today, I wear my hair naturally, my Essence Magazine is face side up on my desk (I work in an open room with a 40-ish white man and a 40-ish Hawaiian woman) and my fashion sense is even more bold and tuned than ever. I like not caring. It's freeing. I can see the coordinator throwing glances at my twist out, but instead of smooshing the volume down, I stand taller. It's interesting this feeling I have. I love being caramel me even amongst the vanilla clouds.

Work to Live

I've been wanting to file my nails for a week. So that's exactly what I did after dropping my bags on the living room floor, finally in from a 12 hour drive. After pineappling my hair, changing my clothes, taking out my contacts and tossing the pillows off my side of our king bed, I'm finally under the covers. And I'm exhausted. I didn't think my body could be more tired. 

Eight months have come and gone. This upcoming Monday, my freedom ends and I will be walking into an office at 9 o'clock in the morning. The feeling is bittersweet. Maybe more bitter than sweet actually. Yes, I've wanted a job for a while now; simply to be able to afford the things I cannot currently purchase such as a house, but now that I will have to walk into someone's office from Monday for the next thirty years sends shivers down my back. I need to keep my focus and think of this next year as my hustle period. After purchasing a house and possibly having some babies, I believe part-time work would be best for me. That is unless I can't control my spending habits in the 'Crewcuts' sections at J.Crew. (I went back-to-school - I mean work - shopping at the outlets in South Carolina and probably spent more on my little cousin's first day of kindergarden outfits than I spent on myself. Or maybe not.) With the hope of our future little one attending a free school, we should be able to afford my cut in hours. After eight months of space, I can't see myself running a nine to five, five days a week for the next 30 years.

Anyway, I'm going to try to breathe and soak in every moment of my slowly diminishing minutes of freedom. Most of all, I'm praying that I maintain my focus with my goal in mind. I have the tendency of getting real deep when I'm unsatisfied. Before long, I'll be in a crying stupor wondering why I wasn't made to accept the way of the world which is work, work, work. Sigh...  I just finished a memoir about a man who bought and sold Birkin bags for a living (hilarious and entertaining book by the way - Bringing Home the Birkin by Michael Tonello) and what I'm going to take away from it is how important it is to "work to live and not live to work". I'm going to hold on to that with a clenched fist and see how this goes. Pray for me!

I Don't Wanna Be A Pioneer!

I guess I need to adjust my thinking. I shouldn't complain about the fact that I'm interviewing for companies who all need start-up help, rather I should be thankful that I'm even interviewing at all....

But dang tho! What's up with all this newness?! I want to work for a well-oiled machine! One that's been doing what they've been doing for years and all I need to do is be trained to keep one corner of the machine going. I don't understand why not one of the jobs I've interviewed for has an infrastructure. At this stage in my life, I'm not looking to be a pioneer in a new department.

But let me stop. Thank you Jehovah for the interviews. =/

Faith

...do I have it? I'd like to say that I do, but there are times when I feel like a peg in the dirt that keeps getting pounded deeper into the ground. This job situation has sincerely got my head spinning and there's absolutely nothing that I can do about it. I go on interview after interview and just when I think there's something at the end of the fishing line, I come up empty. It's incredible how a person can try to live their life well or come out of school with an excellent education, and still yet feel like they're living at the bottom of the trash barrel. I'm trying to hold on, but I feel the widening crack in my spirit.

I keep praying that Jehovah help me to remember that I can trust in Him. Of course I know that to be a fact, but when my thoughts get to going... I don't know where this road is leading me, but I pray that I can hold on. I am just so tired.

WAR!

I'm irritated and mean feeling and I don't know why.

You ever get that feeling where you just want everything and everyone to go away? Yeah? Well I have that feeling right now. But what's so stupid about it is that no one is here with me. It makes absolutely no sense. Yet, the tv is annoying, the bird chirping freakishly high is killing me, and I'm even upset with myself for starting this blog because I don't feel like finishing it. But I've started too many blogs this week to not at least publish one, so I'm going to fight through it.

This job stuff has me on an emotional roller coaster, so that may be one reason why I'm rolling my eyes everywhere. I tried to explain to someone that I don't like talking about it because when the situation doesn't pan out, I don't want to have to relive the anguish afterward.

These interviews...they're starting to feel like first dates. They really are actually. That fatal first date where you're being judged and end up either acceptable for courtship or rejected. I've been rejected a few more times than I care to count, so I approach each interview with my wall up. That way, if they say no, I can't get hurt.

Maybe that's why I feel so hostile inside. My interview isn't for a day or two, but I'm already wearing my armor. I feel cold and hard as if I'm about to wage war. I'm coming onto the interviewer's battlefield and I have to be ready. No surrender allowed!

Let me just close this laptop and go to sleep. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.

Who Knows

Life is so random right now. I can't even begin to tell you what's going on or where I'll be in a month. I feel like everything is totally out of my hands, even though it's not. I don't know if I'm necessarily complaining about it because this could be quite exciting. At the same time, I wish I had a clue.

On The Plate of Life
Lately we've been discussing the following topics: babies, house hunting, and altogether migrating to a new state. Who knows what will happen, but I actually wouldn't mind something drastic. I'm ready to start my life. If we're going to have babies, I'm ready to get this train moving. But of course, I need to get a job, save some money, and get a bigger house first. As usual, it's all dependent upon this job that I can't seem to find. Oh. Hubby wants to by land and build our dream house. Umm. Ok. 'If you like it, I love it', I said. We've had so many ideas that have changed since we've been married. I wouldn't be surprised if this one didn't come to fruition either even though it's possible it can. I love that he's thinking though. But again, where's this job that I need to even build a house?

Babies?
We had a pretty huge disagreement, not a fight, just a rather stark difference in opinions about raising children. Hubby's background is on the other spectrum from mine. He was raised in the truth, I wasn't. He went to public schools, me - private. He didn't go to college, I went to an ivy league. He has a successful career, me - not so much. Thankfully, while my parents were in town they shed a blinding spotlight on the issue. Basically, it's in absolute stupidity that we're sitting here talking about what we will and will not do with our non-existent child because this non-existent child will have his/her OWN  desires, personality, wants and needs. If the child wants to me a missionary, college isn't necessary. If the child wants to be a nurse, vocational schooling will be beneficial. If the child has no interest in sports, no need to worry about tee-ball practices. Right? And even with all of this, we still haven't made a firm decision to have a mini-us. Who knows...

Little Sis
Anyway, the weekend with my parents was so nice. They were so happy to be here with the people they love and I was definitely happy to have them. We spent most of our time getting to know my sis' future in-laws and wedding planning which was a pleasure because they're a very cool fam. I'm actually excited that my sister's getting married. She's not the type of girl that can hold on very long to the frailties of having a boyfriend. She needs everything to be concrete and set in stone. I'm proud of them for making such a huge commitment to each other for being so young. Well 25 isn't that young. I guess this is about right. But wow. My LITTLE sister is getting married. How old am I getting?!

Natural Hair
My hair is still in the long Janet Jackson braids. I haven't washed my hair in a month. (don't judge me!) I need to wash them but I'm afraid. Washing all of this hair will mean sore neck muscles and damp tresses slapping me in the back all day and night long. It's almost like I need to wash them and then lay them outside on the sidewalk while the 90 degree sun fries them dry. I hope these braids do my hair some justice though. I want this mop to grow! I'm not looking forward to taking the braids out and figuring out what to do with my hair. I'd rather just keep it braided or in a protective style for a while. If it was long enough, I'd wear a curly bun for a while, but I doubt my hair will be ready for that.

Interior Decorating
I partially finished redecorating my living and dining room. There are a few things that are still missing, but I need more $$ to put it all together. I'm proud of what I've done so far. It feels so much better in that space. Brighter and more quaint. I'll post pics later.

Photography
I need my next victim. I had a few shoots coming up but they're vaporizing into thin air. I need to make some steps with this if I want to keep practicing. Feel me?

One thing's for sure, I need to write more. I feel like I have better control over my life when I do. I'll be able to figure more things out if I write them down.

On My Plate

My battery is charged, and before it runs out, I'm steaming ahead with a head full of ideas. I finally have an official website. I paid for the domain and web space and my webmaster (hubby) and I are testing and preping the site for use. I'm so excited about it. I've been sitting at home for the past two days throwing visual ideas around and basically bossing my webmaster around. (Thanks love!)

So while I'm not releasing the site yet, I will tell you that it's going to be a space where photography and inspiration meet. You guys know how I feel about being inspired and about picture-taking, so I thought it would be perfect. What I plan to do is spend some time and interview people who inspire me. Sometimes, it might not be a person though. I'm open to being inspired by places and things as well. But capturing that inspiration on paper, or webspace rather, is my aim. And then of course comes the photography; the visual aid to complement the interview or the description or whatever writing aspect comes out of it. I'm super excited. Did I say that already? And my human subjects will get a free full photo shoot out of it. How perfect is that? I'm not trying to generate income from this. This is just straight raw creativity. I don't want any exterior pressure on this. I want this for my joy. If all goes well, I'll put my photos on a business facebook page and go from there.

I saved enough money to buy paint so I can get started on re-doing the living room. I don't really know where I'm going other than paint colors so I'm praying it'll come to me. I thinking I need to spend some time in thrift stores and find accessories that inspire me. I might be able to do the entire room using thrift store pieces. Hmm. Challaaaaange!

Update: I actually got to work writing out my plans and it came easier than I thought. Take a look at my sketch, list and color palette! Yay! I'm going to Lowe's tonight as soon as hubby gets home from his Bible study. Tomorrow is painting day!

Update Again: I scheduled my first interview! There's a local photographer that I love and she said she would love to get together with me! Gosh, I feel good. There's nothing like being productive.

Goals

Lots of goals to harp upon....

Spiritual - I took a look at my goals document saved on my desktop, and I actually accomplished everything. Go me! So now, I want to start assisting with Kingdom Hall and Assembly Hall builds. I don't know where this desire came from, but I really want to put up dry wall and install lighting/fixtures and stuff. OH! Interior Design Experience!!!! Yes!

Exercise - This might be contingent upon getting a steady source of income, but I want to get back into ballet. I need some disciplined dance courses in my life. One class a week should be enough.

Vacations - Well Cabo is coming up in May, and then we have the family reunion in August so I think I'm okay with vacations for now. If I can get in a trip to CA that would be great. I'll look towards winter for that trek. Again, this is contingent upon income.

Career - I should go ahead and re-do this living room like I want. Do you think I can do it in April while I'm pioneering? I also have an idea for a photography site where all I need to do is set up interviews with people I admire spiritually... It always sounds so easy. The only thing to it is to do it.

I'm Not A Hustler...

...and therein lies my problem. Hustlers have to be bold. They have to act like they know what they're talking about at all times and show no signs of fear. They have to have the ability to push and persist in their dream. I, unfortunately, do not have those qualities. I have been conditioned to take the straight road; the road that has been paved by my background and education. Anything that cannot be substantiated by my experience and education is a deviation.

I am afraid to venture off the beaten path into the world of interior design and photography. Sure I can do these things for myself and as a hobby, but to actually call myself an interior designer or a photographer would be ludicrous. Why? Because I don't have the professional experience or education to show. If I were to hire someone to do anything, I would want proof of credentials. But now that I'm typing this, wouldn't a portfolio of quality work be enough? Hmmm... I don't know. If I were to chose someone to redecorate my house, I would wonder if they understood color concepts and room dimensions and would assume that they gained their basic text book skill sets in a classroom. I do believe that not everything can come with on the job training. There are some things that need to be read and studied. Am I wrong for thinking that?

I want to go to design school. I'll feel better about my expertise if it's grounded in a classroom. If I were to design basically on instinct, I would wonder if I was leaving something out. I would constantly questioning if there is something that I don't know that would make the job that much more perfect. I would think about the direction that someone with schooling would take and if it would be better. I'm grounded in schooling. That's the bottom line. Will I have enough gumption to provide someone a service without it? sigh... As I said before, I'm not a hustler.

Action item: Look for books on how to be a successful hustler.