10 Things Guys Wish Women Knew About Men

Interesting article, especially since I know all 10 are true of my husband. Stuff for me to ponder on. Thanks for sending Tiff.

http://www.ericrobersonmusic.com/2012/11/14/10-things-guys-wish-women-knew-about-men/

It's Impossible...

...to be this fine.Cot dang!

Goodness

I have three celebrity loves. Idris Elba, Michael Ealy and Lance Gross. Idris is definitely on the top of the list.

3rd Post Today - Not Feminine Enough

Yeah yeah yeah. I got a lot to mention today.

So I just finished hanging up all my spring/summer clothes. Finally. While doing so, something my fiance said to me popped in my head. "You haven't been looking very feminine lately." When he initially said that to me, I wasn't offended. I defended myself and moved on. But lately, his comment has been pricking me in the eyeball. I lost a lot of weight recently, and consequently, none of my clothes fit the way they used to - which means that nothing is tight. So if I put two and two together in the enlightened fashion that I do, well fitting to tight clothing = feminine. Of course he's going to say that's not it or it's not what he meant, but it's really easy to read into the fact that I'm not looking feminine anymore because my clothes don't fit me like a glove. Call me crazy but I thought that you can look feminine no matter what if your hair is done, you have earrings in your ears, have makeup on your face, carry a purse, wear heels, and switch when you walk. But I guess that's not enough. I don't know if anyone has ever noticed, but Janet Jackson wears baggy clothes all the time, but still looks fancy fresh. But what I'm learning is that mister man doesn't like anything baggy on me.

There's a fine line I tell ya. I'm 27 years old and I don't wear tight revealing clothes like I used to. But yet there's always a way for a 27 year old woman to done tailor made clothes that give her the appearance of a nice silhouette. Unfortunately, I don't have tailor made clothing money. So what is a girl to do while she's broke and skinny? I guess suck it up and keep it moving while she tries desperately to gain weight all the while holding fast to her self-esteem. I'm beautiful no matter what and I have to remember that. Bump what everyone else says. Feminine or not, I'm me.

Intricacies of Dating

As I begin to get back out here and date, I'm coming into a realization that dating has phases. The first phase - the oooooh-i-think-i really-like-this person-phase - is cool, but it doesn't last for very long. Once the novelty has worn off, and you take the rose colored glasses off, you begin phase two where you start to learn a lot about a person. In particular, what you like about them and what you don't. If you're contemplating whether you could potentially marry this person, you start to tilt your head sideways and imagine if you could put up with their stubborness, laziness, insecurities, emotional issues, and baggage for the rest of your life. You might perhaps make a list of their good qualities and bad to see if the totality of the good can outweigh the bad. And if you decide to pursue a relationship with a person regardless of their less desirable traits, you begin phase three. I'm not anywhere close to phase three so it's a little difficult to recall what this involves, but if I remember correctly, phase three is where you be together. And I really mean just be. Simply put. All the while up to and through this point, you're still learning each other, but you pretty much know at this point who this person is and you 'be together' making memories and gaining experiences. Good ones and tough. Basically, you grow into each other becoming more familiar than you might care to. =) Hopefully after that, come marriage. I'm sure there's a whole new set of phases to consider there, so I'll keep you posted when I learn what they are.

I feel like I'm learning to date all over again. Actually, that's not true. I'm lying. I know how to date. As I begin to go through it however, I'm remembering how to date all over again. There are certain instances that pop up and from past experiences I can say 'no, don't do this' or 'this is how you handle this'. I seriously feel like I'm reaching back in my memory and applying the information to my present situation. I think the bullet point I'm recalling the most is when to shutup and when to speak up. Also, when it's best to give someone room and when it's okay to be together. Oh and one more thing. I'm also remembering how to let someone be who they are. But about that shutup and speaking up thing... I think I'm honest to a fault sometimes. I feel like when two people are getting to know each other, they should be completely open and tell everything. But that's not true. Everyone doesn't need to know everything because in most cases, timing is everything. I have to fight against my natural tendencies to tell everything though. The reason why I do it is so that I can give someone the opportunity up front to decide if they can handle me or not. (And yes I admit that I am a lot to handle.) I'm a hit it and quit it type of girl and I don't like bad surprises. If I could walk around with a sign that tells everything about me so others can see without having to open up my mouth, I would. Giving full disclosure is important to me. However, there is no fun or ease about telling everything upfront. It's also very blunt and lacks any type of charm. I know that patience is a virtue. Even though I don't like to waste time, there exists a certain amount of energy you have to invest in a person if you wish to get the desired results. You have to take the risk.

That's what dating is. Risky business. Among all the joys that comes with having a mate, it's the best when you find out all the not so good things though. That's when the good stuff really begins and the tests arise. That's when you can finally calculate your risk and deduce whether the returns are profitable enough. And if they are, hold on to your hats! Because you will then begin the ride of your life.

Cue Kelis - I Like You

Like You - Kelis

"I don't just like you/ I like you like you"

It's been a long time people! How ya been? Me? I'm hanging in there. Work is a serious drag, but overall, life is good. I still have a smile on my face. Wanna know why?!!! Well I'm going to tell you why. I can attribute much of this cute and endearing smile to a new growing interest in my life. And no, thew new growing interest is not photography, writing, a new pottery class, pet grooming, the new travel interest group, the insect collectors team, or whatever I've managed to fill my life with since I decided to become the busiest woman in the world. It's finally a man! Yep!A real and actual human being! Go figure! It's super new but I'm having a LOT of fun. I didn't expect to be 'Caught Up' as Usher puts it, but I really like this feeling. Aren't beginnings always so beautiful? <3 I think what I find so unique about this new growing interest of mine is that it's so convenient. I've never really known what it's like to date someone who has the same plans as I. Location wise that is. Well, in every area actually, but location wise sticks out to me the most because I've always dated people who were not from my city. There's no threat of someone moving or any worry about who's going to make the biggest compromise or change their life the most. There are no 'huge' issues to work out. It's simple. Simplicity at it's best in fact. We even live right down the street from one another. And anyone who knows me knows that I've NEVER had that before. We ride the same train to work, go to the same place of worship and can easily bump into each other whenever we want. How nice! I can literally see him every single day if I choose. No schedule issues, no meet-me-at-this-central-place-between-the-minutes-of-5:15pm-and-5:22pm-on-Tuesday-the-10th-or-I-have-to-run-to-my-next-encounter-and-won't-be-able-to-see-until-the-weekend. No more sucky situations! I like it a lot. I've seen him every single day for the past 7 days. And these have been ordinary, non-vacation days too. I've never done that before with anyone I've dated. Now I'm not this crazy, keep-my-eye-on-you, wanna-be-stuck-under-you-every-day type of girl either. So don't get me wrong. He wants to see me just as much, if not more than I want to see him. It's actually pretty crazy how this is all going down. Within the last 7 days, we've probably gone from a level 2 to a level 6. I'm a lot more comfortable around him now. The comfort level isn't to the point yet where I don't mind him seeing me at my worst, but it's getting there! My feeling and looking like a hot mess times will come soon I'm sure. The man is so incredibly sweet it's fantastic. Guess what he said to me today. We were talking about a particular subject and I asked him was there anything else he wanted to know/say. He said, "nothing more other than just letting you know that ur everything i could ever ask for." Now let's just pause on that for a second and let it marinate. Every time I re-read that, I get all warm and fuzzy inside. Hooray for the warm and fuzzies! I love getting to know this guy. He's so vivid and happy all of the time. It could be that he's gung ho for me, but nevertheless, he keeps me upbeat when I could be otherwise. Work is really hard for me, so his energy is priceless right now. It helps to cancel out all the crap I go through at this place. I'm a serious woman so his youthfulness is also right on time for me. Two serious people don't really fit well together as I've learned. He's goofy too, which I thought I would get sick of, but it's balanced well with his drive, determination and spiritual side. He's also not as much of a square as I thought he was. There are some things that he needs to reel back more than me! It all goes to show just how much you don't know people when you're looking at them from the surface. That's the mistake I made when he was nothing more than just the corny guy who smiles at me all the time. I could easily tell how deep he was, but I was sure he didn't have an ounce of relaxation in him. After he pronounced his undying love for me... ok not really... he forced me to open my eyes. I'm glad he told me how he felt about me. It was after that day that I began to see him. Now what I see is nothing but a tall, dark and handsome chocolate bar especially churned, milked, and packaged just for me. The j.a.c. special. I know that Jehovah made this man for me. I'm looking forward to growing with him. It's interesting that now that an actual real future with him can be imminent, I'm nervous about it. All that husband and children talk that I used to spit all the time... yeah. It doesn't even touch my lips anymore. Remember how I said that I feel like I was put on this earth to be a wife and a mother? Well now I wonder whether I'll be a good wife or not and whether my body can handle having babies. Lol. One area that I worry about in particular is this cooking thing. I am soooooooooooo not a food person. He, on the other hand, is eating every 2 hours. Talk about greedy! I've never had to burn like that because the only person's stomach I've ever had to take care of is my own. My own tiny fist-sized stomach. But I guess if I decide that I love the man, my love for him will propel me to taking care of his stomach as well. But you best believe that he's going to have to burn as well! If he wants ALLL of this food, he's going to have to help himself more times than he realizes. Boy am I glad he's lived on his own for a while. He's learned to cook his own meals, which will come in handy if I marry him. And yes, we have talked about marriage. Neither one of us is trying to learn each other for no reason. I'm not some body's boo. I'm some one's future wife. We're not playing games. If we're not looking towards marriage than I don't know what we'd be doing. He says he sees me as his wife and can't wait to wear a big chain around his neck that says JAC's HUSBAND, so all is said and done. The only thing we have to do is fall (or walk) in love. You think that's backwards huh? Well not to me. If the foundation is there... the chemistry, the qualities, the goals, the values... then we can build on everything else within time. Love will come. It always does. It's inevitable. Especially considering how much time we spend with one another. And I already know who's going to say it first once we get there. =) But that's pretty important to me. Saying it only when you know that you know that you know that you know. Once you admit that you love someone, the floodgates are doubly open. But I believe that this is about to be one heck of a roller coaster. I'm excited for it. And I'm going to soak it all in. This beginning part is so lovely, as beginnings are, so I'm treasuring each moment of it. I'll keep you posted ladies and gentleman, but this one just might be the one!

I Feel Like A Man

Due to a late night at the office, I was privy to spend time with the co-worker who I thought I was going to eventually have to fight. lol. In our hour together, we talked about everything including... dun dun duuuuuun... love and relationships. I learned that my co-worker, who is from Pakistan, had an arranged marriage not even 6 years ago. As discussions continued, I told him that I wish I could have an arranged marriage and that I would totally trust my parents to pick the best future husband for me.

As a result, since last night, I've been thinking alot about why I feel this way and even had a few discussions this morning about it. Here are some snippets below.

me: yes bump romantic love

MJ: what kind of love do you believe in then?

me: i believe that it exists, but i don't really have any faith in romantic love. i've had that plenty times before and it ended in chaos. i believe in agape but in terms of romantic love...

i would rather be set up, and let it come afterwards. everyone falls "in love". it's flimsy. like a piece of paper. Jordan Sparks has a new song called Love Is A Battlefield. i hate to say this, but i feel her! i don't want to be cynical and "damaged" per se, but i don't know. Jordan says to get your armour and i think that's real.

MJ: it sucks because things shouldn't be like that...barriers are built up of course from past hurt and those barriers are not broken down as soon as you get into a relationship but don't let that past hurt punish your next BF

me: yep i know i'll be careful

MJ: its a balancing act! and super hard

me: it won't be blatant that i'm weary. i won't push that in anyone's face but i will be very quiet. i can see myself just sitting back and watching

MJ: yeah... listen. very important... keep ur eyes open to potential issues, while avoiding excess scrutiny since no one is perfect

MJ's last statement hit home for me. I've always known how I would handle future situations, but never knew how to express it.

And then my other co-worker said this:

I think the love brings the two people together, however a marriage isn't going to work unless a few other things happen (mutual respect, compassion, ability to compromise, etc...). In addition, I think one of the biggest reason why they don't work is because people don't hash over enough potential issues that may arise after marriage. I can go on all day about this!

And finally, here's where my issue is illuminated.

me: love is overrated. let me correct myself. romantic love is overrated.

BT: romantic love is overrated....hmmm....i think in the beginning its there, then over time the relationship becomes very ummm...like, shyt becomes practical after a while. like the love is there but it becomes more functional. thats the word,functional. like who takes care of what...who specializes in this...how can you both work to make this/that work...yada yada. compromise. functional. so u know...love will always be there but people have issues with the functional aspects. if that makes sense.

me: EVERYONE falls in love. most don't know how to stay there. so i saw let's get the other stuff together first. compromise, respect, trust, etc. and THEN see if there's romantic love. and even with all of that, the things that hold two people together, i can understand wanting a relationship to be hot and heavy. like where's the passion! why isn't he cupping my face in his hand and staring deep into my eyes?! yeah well, umm, bump that!!!! you can give that to someone else! i feel like i'm turning into a man. lol. i don't wanna be this way!!!!

I'm not even sure how to put a conclusion on this. I guess it just leaves a whole lot of questions (which I honestly do know the answer to). I don't want to appear hurt, but do I? Could my heart be a little iced over? Will it be harder for the next dude? Either way, Raplh Waldo Emerson said it best, "Experience Is The Best Teacher." And as for me, I learn from the past.

What's Your Take?

Mood: Sad

During my laid-off months, my life was quiet. Even though I was unemployed with no money, I lived in a little cocoon of peace. It was nice. No stress, no drama, no difficulties. Last week, however, my world was turned upside down. The stress monster hit me smack in my face. Literally. The splitting headache, the protruding vein in my forehead and the throbbing behind my eyes were unmistakable. I was losing it. While pondering over the million and two things that were on my mind on Friday, I started to get very upset...so much so that I had to take a deep breath to fight back the tears that were trying to blur my vision while driving.

Not even one minute after I updated my facebook status, which spoke on my stress levels, I got a phone call of concern from a very good friend who I've been trying to get in touch with unsuccessfully. With all of the emotion whirling inside of me, I couldn't help but to be extremely touched by his reaching out. Even though I was too overwhelmed to talk about what was bothering me, I texted him shortly after we hung up... "Thank you so much for calling. I'm rather emotional right now so your kind concern just about has me in tears. I'll try to call you this weekend." When he responded again, he did so in a way that made me feel like he was reaching through the phone to wrap his arms around me and hold me up while my legs buckled from underneath me. J.E. saved me at that moment. He noticed when I thought no one did.

I've had a lot of time to think things through and I've decide to focus on the solutions rather than the problems. The answers are as follows (and the rest will most likely be clear): 1. I need to sit down and have a conversation with him. This whole thing is not right and I know in my soul that this isn't what it should be. He can't marry her if he still has feelings for me. Well he can, but before he makes that decision, we need to talk. I just want him to be happy and be able to live his life without the problems that are existing between him and his fiance'. He's more than an ex-boyfriend. He's family. Hopefully I can help him. 2. I will stop letting my to-do lists overwhelm me by simplifying them, file for an extension on my taxes, have my dad take my car to get checked for emissions for me, tell L. that I need more time, and notify Mrs. D. and Mr. E. of the fact that I can't right now. Sometimes it's best to tell people no. I will not be pressured. 3. It's clear that my standards are overwhelming to him. So I will give him the space he should take. Regardless if he feels like he needs it or not. I am not in a relationship with anyone so I will not act like I am. Even though I want to do what comes natural...communicate, see how he's feeling, reassure him, blah blah blah, it's not my place. He'll work it out on his own. I don't owe anyone anything. 4. I will not renew my contract or accept a permanent positions with Washington Post Digital come June. I will find a career which I love and that will want to pay me for the full hours that I give in service. I need things to be uncomplicated. Not paying me for the hours that I've worked is unacceptable. 5. I understand what happens when a man become serious about a woman. So I'm going to be a big girl and suck it up. I will miss our closeness and our conversations, but I'm going to step out of the way and wish him nothing but joy. If we are true friends, it will shine through and he won't forget about me. 6. When people ask me what I do, I will never say that I am an accountant or I do finance work. No. I am a photographer, writer, dancer and an executive with Artistry Group. My occupation will be what I love. Finance is my side job. It's what pays my car note. Nothing more, nothing less. 7. I'm going to write about investing in family relationships. I have a story to tell regarding my relationship with my father and it needs to be told.

I can't say that even though I now have the answers that I'm okay now. It was hard getting there. Especially on my own. It was a lot to handle all at once, even though I did it. I've always been a superwoman. I always come out on top. But I'm sad because I'm exhausted and there's still so much more to do. I have to now apply the solutions and make them work for me. I have to put action behind everything so that I can go back to that state of peace that I desire. But I need help. I can't think about who to ask or where to turn, because my brain is fried and I'm verging on empty. I've gotten far, but I need help. My family and Jehovah are just about my own havens at the moment. In reality, that's enough and that's exactly what they're there for. Oh and writing! My friends may all seem to be disappearing (due to responsibilities, new girlfriends, distance, etc.), but at least I have my therapy.

I desire stillness and quiet. When I get that, maybe the sadness will dissipate. Until then, I'll keep climbing.

Put Your Money Away Fool!

Cue Keri.

"Now wait a minute little buster

Now you don’t even know me but you wanna take me shopping

You a lame, I can tell it ain’t big **** poppin

You turnin me off

Better recognize a real woman"

My boy BMW spoke to me about his plans to go on a cruise with his girlfriend. He got into the subject of money and how tight things are right now. I agreed with him saying, "yeah, i can imagine after paying for 2 plane tickets and 2 cruises." He immediately shut that down and said, "naw homie. she has to be near my wife in order for me to pay for a plane ticket or a vacay! this is a dutch situation." I was a little taken aback for a second (not sure why), but in bold cap letters I replied on AIM, "I HEAR THAT".

Some females may not be a fan but I believe BMW's mentality was refreshing. Strong indeed, but refreshing. Dudes don't think like this anymore, which is kinda sad...well.... not for the women out there who like/need/expect men to pay for outlandish and lavish purchases. But like Keri says, something turns me off about a dude who offers up his money all willy nilly like. For example, no lie, about 2 weeks ago, I was talking to a NEW acquaintance (remember I said NEW) that I met in NY not even 3 months ago...and in random fashion this man says to me, "so what do i have to do to see you again? i'm ready to send you a plane ticket to get you down here." Huh?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was too through. Needless to say, I had to explain some things him. It's obvious he had the wrong impression. =/ But doesn't that say a lot about his character? He doesn't even know me. What kind of women does he think I am?! What kind of character does he think I have? Did I do or say anything to make him think that was okay? Or is this normal? (Note to self - I really need to stop making "acquaintances" with random people just because we had a great conversation or they're extra nice. I'm a sucker for those things but... ya know.)

My father used to say to never accept a gift from a man because he's always expecting something in return. I think this is great advice when you're young as you really don't have the wisdom to discern the true intentions of a man yet. It's better safe than sorry to just say 'no thank you'. As you become older it becomes advice you can use as a basis in various situations. While it's not necessary to reject everything that a man gives you, i.e. if he's buying you a drink or treating you to something reasonable, that age-old advice can speak to you and your conscious when any gift-giving situation arises. It's a safety precaution if you will.

"Better recognize a real woman." I kinda don't want to say this for fear of a little backlash, but I'm going to say it anyway. If you're a real woman, you don't take money, trips, shopping sprees, etc. from men who 1) you are not married to and 2) who you don't know like that! Gold diggers, stop it! Just stop it! That is not okay! Be the kind of woman who CANNOT be bought. Be the kind of woman who can afford her own VVS 1.5 ct diamond studs! (ooh la la!) Ya heard?! And stop getting mad or assuming a man is cheap because he tells you no. Stand on your own two. Be an independent woman.

Now if your husband or fiance still has the word 'dutch' in his vocabulary, there may be a problem. Lol. And that's another subject for another day. =)

What are your thoughts? Do you disagree? Women - Have you ever accepted a gift from a man? How did it turn out? Men - If you've bought a plane ticket or a pretty expensive gift for a woman, what made you do so? Do you think you can buy a woman's happiness? Speak on it people.

him

you make me want to wait forever. although i know it's not possible, i think i'll try. i love you so much that i could probably climb mountains if you asked me to. consequently, walking up a down-trodden hill doesn't seem so hard. they say true love has no time limit. in that way, my patience has no end. i'm intrigued by what we could be. where our place is in the universe. will we be high every day and stay within the shade of the treetops, or live slightly below the waters where we can be consumed by the density of its space? will our rhythm be that of a steady and low 808 boom or of a sharp and quick high hat cymbal? will you do better than make love to me and make me believe that there is such a place as ecstasy? on the day to day, will you be the one to value reading by the lamplight right before bed time or me? will I be the wife who surprises you with a sweet treat or two? who will be the one to say i love you more? who will be the one to show their love more? ... i wait peacefully for our moment in the same way that i wait for a green light. you're a special kind of wild child covered in randomness. i'm ready to be your calm so we can win the race in this convoluted world. we need each other, i'm positive. just let me know so i don't have to wait forever.

Finding Your Mr. Obama

When I clicked onto the Essence website this morning, I didn't intend to be hit with so much wisdom. This article "Finding Your Mr. Obama" has so many hidden jewels and gold keys in it that it's not even funny. It's the kind of stuff you've heard from your mother, grandmother and other womanly mentors and figures in your life on what keeps their lasting marriages so tight. While clicking through the slides, I actually stopped half way through and evaluated my roll in past relationships. It's so cool and refreshing to see this kind of quality advice on Essence.com. Essence did an incredible job with this one, ladies and gentleman. I took the liberty of copying and pasting the advice, but click on this link to go through the slides. The pictures add so much. Enjoy and learn.




And when you're done, I'm just curious, what did you take away from this? Did it move you like it moved me, or am I just crazy at the impact that this had? Which piece of advice was your favorite? Which do you need to work on and which gem was new to you?





Again, enjoy.

Make It Last Forever
America and the world are captivated by the country’s new First Lady and President. Many single ladies are out to meet a Mr. Obama of their own. We’ve studied the strong bond between our First Couple for tips to find and keep a first-class guy. Just remember that no relationship is perfect, as you discover the love of a lifetime.




Think Outside of the Box
Having grown up in Hawaii and Indonesia and with half of his family in Kenya, President Obama had a background a lot different than the First Lady or anyone she knew. She embraced his unique cultural background and was exposed to exciting new things in the process. Keep in mind that you may have something to learn from the delivery man you’ve been secretly eyeing and you could probably teach him a few things.




No Money, Mo’ Problems?
Despite driving a car with a frayed floorboard and no hope of a new automobile in sight, Mr. Obama was enough man for our First Lady. She stood by the man who started out as her mentee. The Chicago native could’ve possessed the “I’m better than this” mentality and found a mate who was more on her “level,” but instead she took a ride through the rough roads, kept the faith and let go of the ego. Don’t let his lack of material things blind your perception of him. Give him a head start and later on he could give you the world.




Be Open to Love From the Most Unexpected Places
At her Chicago law firm, First Lady Michelle Obama heard all about the bright new intern who would go on to be her husband and the President of the United States. But in the summer of 1989, she wasn’t impressed, and even after meeting him, she was extremely hesitant to go out with a subordinate. After trying to set him up with other friends, she finally accepted his offer for a date and has never looked back. Instead of keeping your eyes straight ahead for Mr. Right, look around for the great guys that cross your path in your daily life.


Kick the List
At one point in time, we’ve all written out our list of the top 100 things we want in a man, but take a note from Mrs. Obama’s book. Mr. Obama possessed a habit deemed unpleasant to many (smoking), but the First Lady didn’t write him off because of his vice. Be lenient on “deal breakers” and give some guys a chance. He may not be No. 1 in your mind, but at the blink of an eye, he could top this list: Person of the Year.



Don't Stop Grinding
Mrs. Obama held on to her $200,000-plus salary as a high-ranking hospital executive even after her husband accepted his position as a state senator. She could’ve chosen to stop working and become a trophy wife but she remained true to her own dreams and desires as a career woman. Something tells us that ambition is one of the reasons Mr. Obama still looks at her with a twinkle in his eye.




Get Over His Wardrobe
Mrs. Obama discovered a diamond in the rough when she began dating the President, if you judge by the latest fashion trends. She looked past his well-worn shoes and suits to see a heart of gold, a passion to change the world and sex appeal that transcends the latest fashion craze. And 15 years later, while on the campaign trail, Mrs. Obama and daughters Malia and Sasha ratted out Dad for the pants he was wearing for being a decade old and his far-from-new belt and shoes. A man who chooses substance over style will make a great choice in the long run.



Always Have His Back
President Obama has mentioned that the First Lady always vouches for his good sense of humor when others say otherwise, but most importantly she showed the world her undying support for his decision to lead the nation. “You’ve got to make trade-offs in life,” Mrs. Obama told ESSENCE in September 2007. “I’m okay with that. I’ve come to realize I am sacrificing one set of things in my life for something else potentially really positive.” Learn to be his confidant and also his reality check.



Don’t Neglect Your Inner Circle
We’ve all had that girlfriend who finds a man and becomes missing in action for everyone else. But not our First Lady. Not only did Mrs. Obama’s friends become the President’s friends, but she also kept her mom with her all the way to the White House (literally). Bring along the people who played an integral part in the person you are. Just like your mate, these people also play a vital part in your happiness and wholeness. Always keep friends and family close to heart to make for a healthy relationship.



Make Your Desires Known
Mr. and Mrs. Barack Obama may appear like the perfect married couple, but getting the President down the aisle wasn’t a sure thing. The duo had many back and forth discussions on if marriage meant anything, but Mrs. Obama was vocal of her want for him to put a ring on it. Over an upscale dinner in 1991, again Mrs. Obama laid out the reasons for them to get married and was speechless when dessert was served and she discovered an engagement ring, as reported by the Chicago Sun-Times. Be upfront on what you want out of the relationship when you meet a special guy and share the benefits for both of you, without giving an ultimatum.



Join Forces for a Greater “Us”
With a successful career of her own and potential to go even higher, First Lady Michelle Obama left her top job to campaign full-time for her husband’s presidential bid and tend to their family. She continues to be one of his biggest cheerleaders. Whether it’s your man’s barbershop goal or graphic designer desires, be creative and supportive to help him be successful, while humming along to Fabolous and Ne-Yo’s hit: “I’m a movement by myself, but I’m a force when we’re together.” When one partner achieves his or her goals, you both win.



Take Me As I Am
Our President decided to become a community organizer on Chicago’s Southside although he had the option to work at major law firms with his enviable credentials. Instead of thinking he was nuts for passing up the high-paying salary and fancy title, Mrs. Obama accepted and supported his passion. Said the First Lady in our September 2007 issue when she recalled hearing her husband speak to a group of inner-city women in a church basement for the first time, “Right then and there, I decided this guy was special. And that’s why I fell in love with him.”



Consider Waiting to Have Junior
Mr. and Mrs. Obama waited six years to begin a family, and for them, it seems as though that wait paid off. While we’re certainly not knocking anyone who chooses to have children early on in a relationship, there does seem to be benefits to waiting for offspring. The Obamas had the opportunity to travel the world together, establish their careers and further build their union before little Malia and Sasha entered the picture. Couples should try to have children on their timetable, not anyone else’s.



Don’t Take Yourself or Your Relationship Too Seriously
Part of the appeal of the President and First Lady is their ability to relate to the everyday person by being approachable, and there unaffected attitude also keeps their love going strong. Mr. and Mrs. Obama may be Ivy League-educated lawyers and he the Leader of the Free World, but neither was above shaking a tail feather with Ellen DeGeneres on her show. Couples that can laugh at themselves and each other can keep things that matter in perspective and find peace when the tough times come. So, loosen up in love!



Don't Stop Dating
When pictures surfaced of the Obamas happily having a “date night” last fall, women around the world quietly cheered. Far too many couples stop engaging in such acts once they’ve been together for a few years or after the children come along. Consider establishing a dinner and a movie night even if it is just once a month to keep the fire burning in your own relationship.



Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Last October, the President admitted to reporters at the Chicago Sun-Times that he actually forgot his wedding anniversary the first year of his marriage. Imagine if that had been a deal breaker for Mrs. Obama! When asked by the paper about his secret for staying married 16 years, the Commander-In-Chief responded, “never get so mad that you forget why you love them." Duly noted, Mr. President.





Essence.com

The Shoulder Snapping Arm Grab

On my way out of My Place in Mitchellville Plaza, I briefly caught eyes with one of the many baseball hat clad dark brothers in the spot. Taking my eye contact as a sign of attraction and a signal of my permission, he waited until I got near enough to reach out and wrap his manly hand around my tiny brown wrist. I threw him a polite smile that read 'thank you but no thank you' and turned my focus towards the crowded aisle. My little sisters were following closely behind me and as the front lady, it was critical that I focused to find a path of least resistance towards the door. As I took a step, I realized that my arm was no longer beside me but at a 35 degree angle behind me. Hmm... If I'm not mistaken, it seems as if he's still holding my wrist. I heightened my sensory receptors and confirmed my observation. I didn't want to look back so as to encourage him so I took stepped forward another inch. My arm heightened to a 45 degree angle. Hmm... Is he not going to let go? Another inch. 65 degrees. Another inch. His hold was now kinda tight. 80 degrees. Mister prince george's county was not only maintaining his hold on my fragile wrist, but was now cutting off my circulation. I winced slightly as a sharp pain shot up my arm towards my shoulder. At this time, as my arm was now tautly pulled at a 90 degree angle blocking the path of others behind me, I figured I better stop moving. Since it was clear he was not giving in, I decided I had to choose between losing out on a valuable minute of my life and a functioning arm. I acquiesced to his more than firm grab and followed the direction in which he led me. I smiled the smile I knew he wanted to see and stepped up closely to his body and waited for his most amazing, stellar introductory line that must have been of the utmost importance to cause me such pain. He smiled that smug little smile of his as I stood in his space, pleased with himself. He still hadn't released my wrist which was now red with an Indian burn likeness. He glanced at his surrounding boys, who were all fixated on our exchange, in that i-got-this kinda way that overconfident men do. That's when I rolled my eyes in my heart. I looked up into his eyes the way a girlfriend would look into her man's after he just finished saying I love you for the first time, and motioned for him to come closer so he could hear me over the music. "What's your name?" I asked sweetly into his ear. After he responded, I motioned for him to come closer again. I put my hand on his arm so that he could bulge his muscle under my touch and feel more of a man for it. By now, he was wide open. "I understand that you find me attractive and am in request of my attention. But I would like to ask you a question." I continued without waiting for his response. "Is it really your unrequited desire to restrain me so forcefully that you maneuver me into some sort of WWF dead lock position that causes sharp pains to shoot up the posterior ligaments of my arm? I deduce that since you are here tonight celebrating the Pittsburg Steelers 27-23 Superbowl victory over the Arizona Cardinals along with the other civilized inhabitants of this establishment, you are not a prehistoric barbarian that beats his mates over the head with a club to show affection. If my assumption is correct, I want you to know that my shoulder is not double jointed, nor am I a circus act. Now if you would so oblige me... please let go." I drew back slightly to see his face. As if on cue, his smile dropped and he released his claws on my irritated wrist. I counted to three just in case he wanted to respond. When I realized he had nothing to say, as I knew would be the case, I said thank you and patted him on top of his now deflated muscle. I smiled my sweet smile once again, looked towards my little sisters and nodded towards the door.

Or at least that's what I should have done. Instead, my little sisters shot mister prince george's county that good old stank, are-you-out-of-your-mind, venom face that us black woman have become so talented at giving (because of jerks like mister prince george's county) and forcibly released my arm from his grasp. Thanks little sis' for saving my arm. Next time j.a.c. Next time.

Married

I got married yesterday. And we all know what you need to do with certain people and telephone numbers when you get married. Purge! + Delete! + Cancel! = Clean House! Now that I'm a married woman, I can no longer go through my day to day affairs with certain people in my life. So basically what that really means is no more boys. I'm realizing that the more and more guy acquaintances and friends I accumulate, the harder my life becomes. Boys hardly ever just want to be friends. While I'm somewhat skilled at keeping them at bay, something always manages to become complicated. And quite frankly, it's tiring! But now that I'm someone's wife, I'm done with watching what I say and how I act around these dudes in an effort to keep them in check and keep my own fleshly desires surpressed. So yep... I eliminated them. All of them. Now that I'm married to the greatest being in the universe, Jehovah God, I'm avoiding men like the plague. 2009 is dedicated to myself and the cultivation of my relationship with my husband. I'm married now, and God is my husband.

What I Need To Do

"My advice to you would be to start with that one thing and then let the other stuff fall into place." - Mikesee

I told him that I seem to know a lot of Grade A men, but they're always missing that 1 thing for me. The most important thing.

Now I've been thinking about this for a while now and it wasn't until Mikesee dropped that on me that I decided it's actually time to do something about it. The first step to doing something about it is to write it down, so here it is....

I get tired of knowing so many great men that I can't date. I get tired of the same old routine - making the acquaintance, having a good time while in the back of my mind realizing that I can't date them, receiving wonderful, open-hearted expressions from these guys regarding stepping up our acquaintance to the next level, and then masterfully maneuvering the situation so that I don't hurt their feelings and yet maintain their acquaintance. Yo. This little road that I'm on is wack! While I'm good at keeping friends who want more as friends only, I'm beginning to wear down a little. It's beginning to cut into my nerves a little. So, here's the solution. I think it's time for a detour. I'm ready to step off of this road and onto another.

If I know what quality is most important to me in a man, why don't I start with men who have that quality, and then let everything else fall into place? Seems logical and too obvious right? Well it is, and yet it's not that simple. I can't go too deep into why on here, but let's just say that there aren't many suitable options out there. In my tight niched world, there are maybe 2 in a pool of 100, and 1 of them is already married. On top of that there are 50 woman standing at that same pool, staring at that 1. You want to talk about competition?!

And then, to add another layer of complexity, I'm not even ready for this superstar man that may or may not be out there! How hilarious is that?! Not to mention that I'm not supposed to find him, and he's actually the one who finds his wife.

But you know what? All is not lost. Even with all of that, I can still step off that old road and stop making these "friends". I don't think I can handle anymore "friends" who want more. It's not going to work for me. Sorry. It's not that I don't want friends/acquaintances. It's just that it sucks always having to say no thank you. So consequently, I need to think about where I'm meeting all these "friends" and stop going there. lol. It's time to start going to another type of party, while I sit quietly and get myself together. It's the only way.

"I'd imagine though that it's hard for you to find someone who has the spiritual side intact but also has the looks, style, ambition, and personality that you enjoy and won't bore you." - Mikesee
Now ain't that the truth!

Ok. This is the last post in a while about men. It ain't all about ya'll... you do know that right?! Lol. =)

It's Hard

This post and it's subsequent comments really upset my little sister today. Being raised the way we were, my sister and I are pretty much "good girls". But from the post/comments, it's pretty much clear that dudes aren't checking for the "good girls". Well, let's not say that. Let's say that dudes aren't checking for "good girls" who are virgins. To be a good girl is okay because mature men are looking to wife up the good girls. But a good girl with no experience in the bedroom is just too much.

I've been through experiences where I've had crushes on guys and they've avoided me because they didn't want to corrupt me. While it sucks at first, it becomes a blessing. It's a great thing when your character speaks for itself and helps to avoid compromising situations. I'm thankful for those crushes who had enough respect for me.

Within the last couple of days, there have been ideas and thoughts tossed around that 'Grade A' men do not exist. And from what I read in that blogpost, I can see why my sis and friends believe so. I'm trying hard not to fall into that line of thought but shoooo... It's downright near impossible! The world and the people in it are a mess. JennWill said to me, "I guess for me I'd rather believe what I want doesn't exist and be surprised when he shows up rather then to believe he does and be waiting anticipating his arrival. That would make me impatient, which would be all bad... " I hear her. I really do. This approach does seem like the better way to go, and I'm thinking about adopting it, however.... I'm a dreamer. I see the world through rainbows. Adopting this mentality just would not be natural for me. Don't get it twisted though. I CAN do it. I can force myself to do anything. It's just a matter of whether or not I want to. What I'm worried about though, is becoming blind. If I do this, will I be able to notice a 'Grade A' man if he hit me upside my head? I'm not trying to have this man look at me and think to himself, "well dag. what happened to her?!" (cue song... Baag Laadyyyy. you gone miss your bus, draggin all them baaags like thaaaaat.)

I'm even more so concerned because my 'Grade A' man is SO rare. A man who's "in the Word" as my friend said yesterday. But he can't only be "in the Word", he has to live his life like it too. Now THAT, my friends, is hard and EXTREMELY rare. I don't know ya'll. I just don't know.

Here's how the convo with my sis ended.

me: yeah. that's another reason i'm so into my spirituality right now. of course i want to serve God just out of principle sake, but i can't meet anyone until i'm right. so i'm in this spirituality thing 100%. I have to be honest, it IS one of my motivating factors. it helps me to keep on the right road

sis: well, i hope you find what you trudging for on the other side then. God, I hope you find it, with all my heart

me: i can't even respond to that. it just hits a tear duct cuz i want it so bad

sis: its all i can say. I know

me: i hope you find it too Pooh.

sis: me too. GOSH

me: doing it the right way can't be bad it just can't. what's the point then? what are we doing then? but God promised us. He promised ME and i'm holding Him to it. i seriously sometimes want to shake God and say, "lookie here man."

sis: lol at your last line. I finally feel what you feel and i'm sitting here with tears in my eyes at work

me: yeah man it's hard def. hard.

sis: alright. Shake it off. and get back to work. I'll ttyl Jen.

me: ok

sis: I can't wait to see you on Sunday

me: ditto. holla girl.

Let Him Lead

All this Ms. Independent stuff seems wonderful doesn’t it? Ne-Yo has single-handedly revolutionized who the independent woman is and what it means to be one. Men and women alike seem to love the concept. My homeboy Mike wrote once, “But Ne-Yo neatly describes the type of woman that turns me on and impresses me. Of course he doesn’t cover everything though. And yes it is something about a woman that has her stuff together and doesn’t need you but chooses to spend time with you because she genuinely enjoys you and sees as much in you as you do in her. To each his own - I know some of you fools like a trophy wife or a chick you can manipulate/control all the time - but give me Miss Independent.” Woman all around me are either stepping up their game to be the “independent woman” that Lauren London and Gabby Union portray in that stunning video, or pumping their feminist fists in the air and rolling their necks as their theme song blairs through the speakers.

Well ladies. Let me warn you. While it is great to have your own, be careful how far you take that mess. I sent a text message to a friend that said, “I’m taking your lead.” He replied back in shock, “And you follow a man’s lead?” Huh?! I’m confused. Is that surprising? If so, why? Isn’t that what woman are supposed to do - follow a man’s lead? Ladies ladies ladies. Why do we have men out here feeling like we want to handle/lead/control everything? I’m sure I don’t have to remind you but when we were created, we were created as help mates. That’s not to say that we’re weak or less qualified. Notice that Adam COULD NOT survive without Eve. Men need us! They need help. Haven’t you notice how your man can’t even pick out an outfit without asking you for advice (which is so sweet and endearing, isn't it?)! However, it is ESSENTIAL that you let…a man…be…a man. Yes, it’s true that we pretty much run things, but because you know this (and in most cases they know this too), you have to at least let them take the lead. Let me give you an example of how this works. If you are in the car together and you suggest he takes route A which is free of traffic or cuts the travel time down by 10 minutes, yet he thinks route B is best, let him go his way. When he runs into traffic or ends up lost, don’t trip and certainly don’t say that you told him so. Let him be the man that he is and find his way out. Although it may burn you up inside and eat at your soul, simply sit back and let him have the control. Not only will it allow him to feel like he wasn’t nagged into doing something he didn’t want to do, but he’ll respect your advice (which is usually 90% correct), AND take it next time! Lol. Imagine how nice it will be next time to hear, “Babe. Which way do you think we should go?” It’s really not that hard. At least not after you get past the first burning hurdle and learn to shut your mouth! =)

The most rewarding part of it all though is that following a man’s lead who has your best interest at heart is relaxing! Talk about a load off! As an independent woman who takes care of herself and makes decisions every single day, I would find it very refreshing to come home to a man who’s got me. To be able to sit back and have someone else make all the decisions for once will be like a slice of heaven right on time. Enjoy the “headship arrangement” and the advantages of being a woman ladies. And remember, two people can’t drive one car. If you try, there will be an accident.

Date A Friend

I've written a lot about relationships in the recent weeks,

Men Update
Update on Men Update
Why Didn't It Work?
Question To The Fellas
The Ladies Speak Up
A Gentleman's Guide to Approaching a Woman

mainly due to the fact that it's all anyone ever wants to talk about.

Relationships are the universal obsession. You know, sorta like music is the universal language. When you meet someone new, the easiest way to crack the ice is to talk about how hard it is out here, how crazy woman can be, how done we are with men, or how bad we feign to tango but can't seem to find anyone worthwhile. Every single person has a story to tell. What gets me though is that everyone's saying the same exact thing!

My homies will say to me that they want someone who's intelligent, who understands the importance of space, one who can be that sexy mama in her 3 inch heels and then a delicate natural beauty in sweatpants and a t-shirt, one who's easy going and likes a good time, one who won't lose her mind in public when things don't go her way, has common sense, and who isn't just flat out crazy.

And then us lovely ladies will say that we want a man who's educated, financially responsible, respectful, has a job or is passionate about something, who's funny, has common sense, can be a boss at the appropriate times, is hardworking and a man's man.

Well if I'm telling my homies "I don't know where you're looking because I have homegirls just like that" while they're telling me that they have loads of homeboys who have everything I'm looking for, then why are we all running past each other like blind bats in the morning sun?! Well I think I might be able to answer that one for you. How many times have you heard, "who? bob?! nooooo. that's bob! i can't mess with bob. that's good old bobby bob! the homie, bob! that's my boy!" Lol. Lookie here people (and I'm talking to myself too). Chances are that you are SURROUNDED every single day (at work, in church, at events) by the exact type of a person you are looking for. He or she was probably the last person you talked to on the phone. Check your recent calls list! But when you start eliminating people, one by one for no apparent reason other than, "naw! that's bootsie! i can't date bootsie!", aren't you sorta prolonging your unwanted singleness? Do this little exercise with me and go through the names in your phone. If you take a catalogue of your friends of the opposite sex in your address book, won't you pretty much find all the qualities you want? Why else would you be friends with them if they weren't 'reasonable', 'fun', 'sane', 'respectful', 'intelligent', 'attractive'? Now I'm not saying that every friend you have is a dime, but it is almost guaranteed that you have at least 1 that fits the job description. I know, I know. But that's your boy right? Or that's your homegirl. You've known each other for yeeeaaarrrrsssss. S/he knows everything about you. What if it doesn't workout? What if it doesn't work out AND you inadvertantly kill the friendship? I hear you. I really do. But isn't it the point to be with someone who knows you inside and out? Isn't it always better when two lovers were friends first? Won't it be easier to cut the prolonged unwanted singleness if s/he is right there in front of your face? No more searching. No more wading through the waters. No more "it's hard out here" moments. I don't know.... You tell me people. Would you be willing to take the risk? Would the potential award be worth it? Can you take a glimpse from a different angle? See your friend as something more? Be gutsy enough to take that step? Or how about this question - AREN'T YOU JUST TIRED?! Lol. I know I am. I guess all I can say is good luck people. Good luck.

Hit me.

"Cream In My Coffee"

i see them!
i see white boyz!
i promise you they weren't there before.
they were not a part of my world.
but now...
they're everywhere!
where did they come from?
and why are they so fine?
the blinders are off.
i'm in a new world.
unchartered territory.
there's no love lost for my chocolate bars.
i will 4ever love dark chocolate.
my first love.
nothing like it.
but i'm wondering.
could i like white chocolate?
would he know what to do with me?
will he appreciate my cinnamon?
can he do it too?
i wonder.

A View Into A Man's Heart

It's nice to see into a man's heart every once in a while. How sweet is this ladies!?

http://djparallel.blogspot.com/2008/10/part-i-internal-struggle.html

http://djparallel.blogspot.com/2008/10/part-ii-anticipation.html

My Ex Is Getting Married

Oh! Here's something I completely forgot to talk about.

Last week, my ex got engaged. When I think about how I feel, I sense that my eyebrows furrow and my forehead wrinkles up in a 'hmmm....' kind of face. I don't know how I feel! I do but I don't. So I'm going to take a little time and write this out, because it's always through writing that I figure myself out.

So he was my high school sweetheart. My very first boyfriend. We were together for something like 3 years and broke up during freshman year of college. He's a great guy. Really giving. Sweet. Hardworking. Talented. Yada yada yada. He lost both of his parents, so while we were dating he was basically adopted into my family. To this day, my mom considers him her part-time son. It's hard to explain or imagine, but my mom and his relationship has absolutely NOTHING to do with me. That's something that they keep completely separate from me. There's a bond there that I am not connected with at all, and totally don't care to be.

He's been with his new fiance for almost a year so we don't really talk anymore except for that rare occasion where we end up having an hour convo just to catch up and see how life is. Usually we just end up talking about our current relationships. About two weeks ago though, he called me and out of the blue said, "do you ever think of us getting back together? you know, with the great relationship that i have with your parents, i wonder about it sometimes." (To provide you with a little background info, his fiance's parents are not a fan of him AT ALL, which irks the mess out of me, but that's a story for another day. I guess he was just thinking about how different it would be if he was with someone who's parents actually liked/loved him.) Even before he explained, I knew where this was coming from. I understood completely that he was cleaning the closet and closing chapters in order to move forward, which I had no problem with. I kindly replied that I don't, and then we proceeded to have a 2 hour conversation about us, his girlfriend and marriage. And it was deep. Being that it would probably be the last conversation we ever have, it was necessary.

Now that he's engaged, I think I feel... umm... hmmm.... geez....I don't know! I seriously can't figure this out. Well maybe I should start with what I'm not. I'm not hurt, but I'm not ecstatic either. We broke up 7 years ago so there's too much distance to be hurt or disappointed or whatever. It's just been too long. But I'm not ecstatic for him because from the little that he's told me about his relationship, it just seems so hard. Her parents don't like him...she still lives with them so she has a hard time making decisions without them in her ear...she's not happy about his relationship with my mother (which is totally understandable)...she's put him through things, and vice versa. It's just a lot! And I don't think he deserves that. I'm worried for him. But that's just my little humble outsider opinion. When he in so many words asked me what I thought about him popping the question, I just told him that to have that ring on your fourth finger left hand one day, and then the next day it be gone, hurts like a bitch. (sorry to curse, but i can't think of a better word right now.) I've been there, and it's no joke. It stabs further than he will EVER imagine. So if he's not 115% sure, DON'T DO IT. I know SH like the back of my hand. And I know he wasn't 115% sure. Besides that fact that I can read inflections, tones and pauses in his voice like a mind-reader, why would he be calling me if there were no hesitations? So now he's engaged, and I'm worried. But it's none of my business, so my job is to keep moving on with my life and say a little prayer for him and his fiance.

I told him that if I was his girlfriend, I would slap him right now for having this convo with me. But as one of his oldest and dearest friends, I'm glad he called. So if all works as SH plans, I will never speak to him again. And that's okay. We're all growing up and it was going to happen sooner or later anyway. It was going to be either him or me first to say, "alright. i'm falling off the map", which is exactly what he said to me before we hung up. Aww.... Parting is such sweet sorrow. Actually, THAT'S how I feel. Sweet Sorrow. There you have it.