Tuesday, November 11, 2008

A Gentleman's Guide to Approaching A Woman

I have to say that I think men are doing it all wrong. (Disclaimer - For convenience sake, I am generalizing. Okay? Okay.) I had a discussion with ED yesterday and he told me that whenever it's time to approach a woman, his mind goes blank. (How cute!) When I asked CR how he approaches women, he said he's normally straight up, but that tactic hardly goes well for him. (That sucks.) Well gentleman, I'm not sure what's going on or how it's working for the rest of you, but follow me down the yellow, brick road for a second. Please.

Imagine this. You see a beautiful female, so you walk over to her and say a variation of "I am very attracted to you and would love to get to know you better. Can I have your number?" Now if that woman is anything like me, she's going to tilt her head to the side, look at you like you have a booger in your nose, and say thank you but no thanks. Let me explain something. It's not that we don't appreciate the compliment, but many of the women I know aren't too keen on giving their personal information to a man they know nothing about. I mean from that one question, you can't even tell whether he has sense or not. It's sorta creepy to be honest. When you think about it, this man is saying, "I know you know nothing about me, but since I paid you a compliment, let me have the line of communication into your life." Uh uh. And then to go a little bit deeper, since pretty women are a dime a dozen, I feel like a man who approaches a woman in that manner isn't very picky about who he lets in his life. It begs the question of whether or not he asks every attractive woman he sees for her number. And that's not good.

When you want to approach a woman you're attracted to, my suggestion is to be observant, keep it light and have a conversation. For example, if you notice her and her girlfriend giving each other that look when some crazy guy finally leaves them alone, laugh and say something like, "man, you handled that really well. i'm impressed." Chances are she'll laugh and include you in the situation; give you a little recap of what happened, and bingo! There's your window to what gentleman? Noooo. Not into asking for her number. For more chatting! Yeah, I'm sorry. You have to work just a little bit harder. Or if she spills her drink, offer her some napkins and say something playful like "tear it up girl! just tear it up! hopefully your oxi clean will handle that!" Corny i know, but corny is okay! Hopefully she'll smile back and say something like, "I know right! I'm a mess sometimes." Or take a note from a guy I met the other night. While walking across the room, he stopped me and sincerely asked, "What made you decide to cut your hair?" It wasn't until we got further into the conversation and he asked me for a date that I realized his opener might possibly have been a pick-up line. But after discussing hair, life changing moments and gradual vs. sporadic decisions, I didn't care whether it was a pick-up line or not. He was a little less of a stranger than when he asked me his first question. The point is, don't come at her like you want something. If you know anything about women, you know that we dream dream dream about falling in love with a man who's a true friend. So be that friend! But not in a sly under-handed way either. Don't use it as a means to an end fellas. If you're grown, you're probably interested in something sincere. SO BE SINCERE. Have an actual conversation. That way when you finally ask for her number, you can actually say AND mean "i enjoyed chatting with you and would love to continue the convo some time".

But guys, what I'm about to break down is the most important part. So pay very close attention! I'm SURE you don't just want a pretty face (right?), so use the situation as way to determine if she's worth YOUR energy. After one of your charming and funny remarks, she just may say something crazy and totally out of line. Or she could be cold and non-responsive with her no-people-having-skills self. Or she could be miss snooty attitudey. Or the girl could just talk too dag on much! Isn't that the worst! What's the point of plugging a worthless number into your phone? Ya know? Put little miss pretty on your OWN on-the-spot interview. But be really low key and cool about it. See if she deserves YOU. You're full of worth too! Feel me?

Gentleman, does that make sense? How do you feel about the "guide"? Is it something you do already? If you don't, might you take my advice? Ladies, do you agree? How would you want a man to approach you? Would you rather him not beat around the bush and learn more about him at a later time? Or are you like me, preferring to discern his personality and get a sense of his character before giving him the golden ticket?

10 comments:

Risse said...

Loves it! I agree wholeheartedly! Fellas, be more creative--women love it when you are! I can't remember the last time I gave my number to the "I am very attracted to you and would love to get to know you better. Can I have your number?" guy. I think that worked in middle school mb high school, I'm over that...nowadays you'll most likely get the mouth to side wateva face.

T.C. said...

:-) (me clapping my hand) i definitely AGREE! please have a genuine conversation at the end you might not like me or vice versa but at least it won't be a waste of gb space in your phone...

the older you get the more a conversation can tell a lot or not so much about a person....

so YES i agree! fellas have your OWN interview and appreciate the fact that we do too...but its all in good conversation

oh and HIGH FIVE to the dude that started the conversation about hair!!

PreciousGem-Refinement in Progress said...

I Love, love, love this guide! It's brilliant and I totally agree. Please attempt to glean something about me before getting my contact info. There's nothing more attractive than a man who's really interested in ME and not just my physical appearance. Men please attempt to go deeper, even if it is just a glimpse...

Anonymous said...

(I'm a guy)I'm feeling this one. You hit on some key points that guys need to pay attention to. You cant be so AGGRESSIVE! LOL!Be a little tactful. At the same time i really like the point of seeing that she is worth it. Everything that glitters isn't gold, so dont get caught up in a pretty face.Take it from me pretty faces can be major headaches. The last one was look for signs, if her girl is laughing or pulling her away, you lost that one playa! lol

miKeSee said...

This is good advice. This goes along with the whole step your game up conversation that I've had with a few women. After a certain point women lose interest in the lines and the "game" and they want someone who is comfortable with himself and has a genuine interest in them.

Men could use this advice. But some men will always be boys.

Jenn Will said...

Whenever a dude comes to me and pays me a compliment and then immediately asks for my number, I always ask, why? Why should I give you my number? What are we going to talk about? Sometimes, not all the time, that can actually lead to a decent conversation. Not all men are built with charm, swagger, the level of confidence to subject themselves comfortably to critique of strange women.

Personally I take pity on men, I don't envy their position. Having to go up to women, strangers, think of something on the spot that is smart, funny, convincing and genuine to say, being assertive without being aggressive, striking all the necessary balances to demonstrate confidence but not come off as arrogant. Its tough. I think we as women since we get off easy, we only have to approach if we want to, we tend to be too hard on men that approach us. Sure if he's disrespectful, feel free to bring him to tears. But if he's just a dude without any genuine game, and isn't painful to look at, cut him some slack!

I like a good story, even if its totally fictional and outrageous...if it makes me laugh I'm in.

I was at a bar the other night, I ordered a drink and this dude that I had briefly chatted with told the bartender, "No, she won't have that, she'll have a...." that was some sexy stuff. Also, my drink absolutely delicious, and may be my new drink of choice.

But maybe it's just me... said...

I totally agree! I'm all for the genuine and creative approach. I can't stand being on the phone with or out with someone I can't have a good conversation with. So, we might as well check for that up front. To me, a man gets the most points by actively engaging me in interesting convo and making me laugh. That will make me most interested in divulging the digits later.

DJ PARALLEL said...

Your "guide" is totally appreciated as you definitely touched on some very good points. I do have to say that I usually make attempts to engage a woman in conversation before I make an attempt to take it to the next level by keeping in touch. Just as women want to know some things about men, as a man, I also want to know something about a woman in efforts to see if there is more than air between her ears. Approaching women doesn't have to be very hard and isn't half as difficult as it used to be for me. I used to just freeze and start thinking - uhhh ummm urrrr - to the point where I'd miss many opportunities to meet someone. The bottom line is that we are all looking for the same thing so I definitely agree with you when you say a conversation is the best start. The best conversations are with people that seem to have a better understanding of themselves, thus, giving them a confidence or "swag" if I may use that word. Once you know that someone can form a sentence, it's just a matter of whether you are truly interested in what they even have to say. I've met some very attractive women that were very articulate and obviously educated, however, the substance of their convo was a slight turnoff. Humor and wittiness go a loooooong way b/c it keeps things light. Indeed, you do not want to be that person that seems like you chase every pretty skirt. I do have to say, however, that there are times when I just went for it b/c the opportunity to strike conversation wasn't afforded to me. That is a 50/50 deal no doubt. Under those circumstances, I will normally offer my number and not accept the woman's number as a gesture and acknowledgement that I'm not a "regular" with that type of approach.

One other thing I'd like to add if I may. It's one think approaching a woman you are interested when she is alone or just with one other friend for a quick drink at a bar or lounge. Things change, however, when you are interested in someone in a group of 5+. Indeed, it becomes a lot more difficult to do that. Recommendations for that...
1) establish some type of eye contact as an initial connection
2) should you decide to move in, be aware that you must engage the whole group and not single out the one you wish to talk to. trust me - she knows why you are there!
3) be humorous, witty, sincere and personable and simply feel out the vibe
4) understand there is no need to hit the panic button by standing there and "smothering" the group. a group of ladies come in to celebrate something, have a good time, etc...they don't necessarily want your butt standing there
5) feel the vibe...if they are personable, go with it. if not, simply excuse yourself with a "have a great time ladies" type statement. if you still maintain that eye contact with the one you are diggin, you may have the green light to approach later on.

~ mic drop ~

Reecie said...

Good advice. I did a "Nice Guy" post on HM earlier this year that a lot of guys seemed to have liked. Something I said there that I will add here is that the best way to break the ice is to do something chivalrous like offer up a seat, hold the door open, etc. Most women appreciate a man stepping up to the plate and being treated like a woman.

But anyway...something I think "gentleman" need to figure out is when to just walk away and NOT ask for the number. If you already know you're not interested or not THAT interested then don't ask a woman for her number...it only makes you look like an a-hole when you don't call her later on. Just because you have a woman's number in your phone does not mean you can just call her up at your leisure and expect a positive and enthusiastic response.

Tavon said...

I am a man and I agree with the guide when it comes to a higher calibur woman. The upper echilon of women tend to think highly of themselves and justify their equal by the manner in which they go about trying to know the female interest. My approach is somewhat subtle compared to the "corny conversation starter". I think body language, smiles, and gestures open the window of opportunity (call me old-fashioned. So when I approach a woman, which is rare, I believe that the women will be more welcoming and prepared to gauge into a conversation. From that point, its my game to lose. However, there are rare instances when there is a woman thats simply beautiful to a man, but hasn't shown any interest nor has the opportunity to create a conversation come about. Its hard to approach a stranger without having known something about them besides the obvious. Yet you may never get the opportunity to say something again, so I will take my chances. I think whats not being said is that alot of times our success in approaching women isn't always dependant on us. Most of the time, I believe that its the woman's state of mind and attitude at that moment. Sometimes woman aren't in the mood to be approached by any man. They must first decide that they want to be open to meeting new men, (which can vary from day to day), then its open season. But until then, the game hasn't started. So a man can have on the nicest shoes, the flyest clothes, and the freshest breath...if the woman ain't in the mood for conversation, brother you've lost before the game has even started. Thats why I think body language is so important. If you pay attention, you can sense a positive vibe. Perhaps, this guide will adequately arm me when the woman is not feeling brothas at all. Preciate!

Related Posts with Thumbnails