Wednesday, November 12, 2008

My Ex Is Getting Married

Oh! Here's something I completely forgot to talk about.

Last week, my ex got engaged. When I think about how I feel, I sense that my eyebrows furrow and my forehead wrinkles up in a 'hmmm....' kind of face. I don't know how I feel! I do but I don't. So I'm going to take a little time and write this out, because it's always through writing that I figure myself out.

So he was my high school sweetheart. My very first boyfriend. We were together for something like 3 years and broke up during freshman year of college. He's a great guy. Really giving. Sweet. Hardworking. Talented. Yada yada yada. He lost both of his parents, so while we were dating he was basically adopted into my family. To this day, my mom considers him her part-time son. It's hard to explain or imagine, but my mom and his relationship has absolutely NOTHING to do with me. That's something that they keep completely separate from me. There's a bond there that I am not connected with at all, and totally don't care to be.

He's been with his new fiance for almost a year so we don't really talk anymore except for that rare occasion where we end up having an hour convo just to catch up and see how life is. Usually we just end up talking about our current relationships. About two weeks ago though, he called me and out of the blue said, "do you ever think of us getting back together? you know, with the great relationship that i have with your parents, i wonder about it sometimes." (To provide you with a little background info, his fiance's parents are not a fan of him AT ALL, which irks the mess out of me, but that's a story for another day. I guess he was just thinking about how different it would be if he was with someone who's parents actually liked/loved him.) Even before he explained, I knew where this was coming from. I understood completely that he was cleaning the closet and closing chapters in order to move forward, which I had no problem with. I kindly replied that I don't, and then we proceeded to have a 2 hour conversation about us, his girlfriend and marriage. And it was deep. Being that it would probably be the last conversation we ever have, it was necessary.

Now that he's engaged, I think I feel... umm... hmmm.... geez....I don't know! I seriously can't figure this out. Well maybe I should start with what I'm not. I'm not hurt, but I'm not ecstatic either. We broke up 7 years ago so there's too much distance to be hurt or disappointed or whatever. It's just been too long. But I'm not ecstatic for him because from the little that he's told me about his relationship, it just seems so hard. Her parents don't like him...she still lives with them so she has a hard time making decisions without them in her ear...she's not happy about his relationship with my mother (which is totally understandable)...she's put him through things, and vice versa. It's just a lot! And I don't think he deserves that. I'm worried for him. But that's just my little humble outsider opinion. When he in so many words asked me what I thought about him popping the question, I just told him that to have that ring on your fourth finger left hand one day, and then the next day it be gone, hurts like a bitch. (sorry to curse, but i can't think of a better word right now.) I've been there, and it's no joke. It stabs further than he will EVER imagine. So if he's not 115% sure, DON'T DO IT. I know SH like the back of my hand. And I know he wasn't 115% sure. Besides that fact that I can read inflections, tones and pauses in his voice like a mind-reader, why would he be calling me if there were no hesitations? So now he's engaged, and I'm worried. But it's none of my business, so my job is to keep moving on with my life and say a little prayer for him and his fiance.

I told him that if I was his girlfriend, I would slap him right now for having this convo with me. But as one of his oldest and dearest friends, I'm glad he called. So if all works as SH plans, I will never speak to him again. And that's okay. We're all growing up and it was going to happen sooner or later anyway. It was going to be either him or me first to say, "alright. i'm falling off the map", which is exactly what he said to me before we hung up. Aww.... Parting is such sweet sorrow. Actually, THAT'S how I feel. Sweet Sorrow. There you have it.

3 comments:

miss alisa said...

SH is getting married.

WOW.

I can't inagine it. You know I still see him as one of the guys that used to throw stuff at us and tease us on Saturdays at NASA when we were 9th graders and rapping during "Save the Children." Now he's about to be somebody's husband.

(Which I'm sure is what people thought when they found out I was pregnant: "Now she's about to be somebody's MOTHER.")

Wow.

I'm happy for him. It's a huge step... and I hope they're able to work out their differences. You're right: NOTHING hurts worse than a broken engegement. I hope they're sure.

We are all growing up... Dang...

Eb the Celeb said...

I feel the same way...

This past summer my ex got engaged... the one who I thought was the one.. the one who we lived together for a year. Even though I was completely over him, part of me still didn't want him to find her before I found my boo. Their getting married in January... but when I saw how small her ring was... it made me smile...

Crazy because we were on IM last week after not talking to each since his engagement... he barely talked about her and kept asking me to send him pictures so he could see what I looked like now. Its been at least a year since we've seen each other...

and that made me happy... for some reason that I dont know but that fact that he was inquiring

again... like you... idk how I feel

But maybe it's just me... said...

I understand this 'not really knowing how I feel' feeling about ex's engagements and marriages. The part I still have trouble with is these cleaning out the closet moments. Isn't there a thin line between having closing conversations and playing the what ifs? I get the former, but the latter makes me a little nervous...I've had one or three pre- and post-engagement conversations with old loves where I felt they were looking for me to make an objection to what/who they had chosen. I always felt that if someone were truly ready to make that step, there wouldn't be that hope for some belated outside party (i.e. me) to throw a wrench in the plan ? Sigh. I would just hope that when a man proposes to me, he would be sure. Perhaps I'm too black and white
/idealistic/naive on this subject?

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