Oh! Here's something I completely forgot to talk about.
Last week, my ex got engaged. When I think about how I feel, I sense that my eyebrows furrow and my forehead wrinkles up in a 'hmmm....' kind of face. I don't know how I feel! I do but I don't. So I'm going to take a little time and write this out, because it's always through writing that I figure myself out.
So he was my high school sweetheart. My very first boyfriend. We were together for something like 3 years and broke up during freshman year of college. He's a great guy. Really giving. Sweet. Hardworking. Talented. Yada yada yada. He lost both of his parents, so while we were dating he was basically adopted into my family. To this day, my mom considers him her part-time son. It's hard to explain or imagine, but my mom and his relationship has absolutely NOTHING to do with me. That's something that they keep completely separate from me. There's a bond there that I am not connected with at all, and totally don't care to be.
He's been with his new fiance for almost a year so we don't really talk anymore except for that rare occasion where we end up having an hour convo just to catch up and see how life is. Usually we just end up talking about our current relationships. About two weeks ago though, he called me and out of the blue said, "do you ever think of us getting back together? you know, with the great relationship that i have with your parents, i wonder about it sometimes." (To provide you with a little background info, his fiance's parents are not a fan of him AT ALL, which irks the mess out of me, but that's a story for another day. I guess he was just thinking about how different it would be if he was with someone who's parents actually liked/loved him.) Even before he explained, I knew where this was coming from. I understood completely that he was cleaning the closet and closing chapters in order to move forward, which I had no problem with. I kindly replied that I don't, and then we proceeded to have a 2 hour conversation about us, his girlfriend and marriage. And it was deep. Being that it would probably be the last conversation we ever have, it was necessary.
Now that he's engaged, I think I feel... umm... hmmm.... geez....I don't know! I seriously can't figure this out. Well maybe I should start with what I'm not. I'm not hurt, but I'm not ecstatic either. We broke up 7 years ago so there's too much distance to be hurt or disappointed or whatever. It's just been too long. But I'm not ecstatic for him because from the little that he's told me about his relationship, it just seems so hard. Her parents don't like him...she still lives with them so she has a hard time making decisions without them in her ear...she's not happy about his relationship with my mother (which is totally understandable)...she's put him through things, and vice versa. It's just a lot! And I don't think he deserves that. I'm worried for him. But that's just my little humble outsider opinion. When he in so many words asked me what I thought about him popping the question, I just told him that to have that ring on your fourth finger left hand one day, and then the next day it be gone, hurts like a bitch. (sorry to curse, but i can't think of a better word right now.) I've been there, and it's no joke. It stabs further than he will EVER imagine. So if he's not 115% sure, DON'T DO IT. I know SH like the back of my hand. And I know he wasn't 115% sure. Besides that fact that I can read inflections, tones and pauses in his voice like a mind-reader, why would he be calling me if there were no hesitations? So now he's engaged, and I'm worried. But it's none of my business, so my job is to keep moving on with my life and say a little prayer for him and his fiance.
I told him that if I was his girlfriend, I would slap him right now for having this convo with me. But as one of his oldest and dearest friends, I'm glad he called. So if all works as SH plans, I will never speak to him again. And that's okay. We're all growing up and it was going to happen sooner or later anyway. It was going to be either him or me first to say, "alright. i'm falling off the map", which is exactly what he said to me before we hung up. Aww.... Parting is such sweet sorrow. Actually, THAT'S how I feel. Sweet Sorrow. There you have it.