Saturday, November 15, 2008

Pouring Out My Heart

I have so much on my mind.

Again, he told me that he wants me back. He says that he's different. That he's made changes for not only himself but God as well. He wrote, "I know I can't make it without Him...I tried by myself already." I told him that was fantastic. It really is admirable. But I can't just jump back in. I suggested that if he's really going to live for God, try doing it on his own for a while. Certainly longer than 4 months. Try his new lifestyle out for a while, build it up, and then come check for me. But honestly, I don't think it'll ever work. I'm TERRIFIED to do it again! It was SO HARD. Being with someone who has a different value and moral standard than I do... Ugh! It sucks! It's hard merging a life with someone who's only accountable to himself. When I want to make every single decision based on my relationship with God and he wants to do what he wants to do... It's just not going to work. I want a husband who has that really really really deep respect and fear for Jehovah God. Who says, no I can't cheat on my wife because God will KILL me! Or no, I won't lie on my job like my boss is asking me to because I'll disappoint God. Who thinks that losing his job is worth more than jeopardizing his relationship with God. That's a hard decision for a man to make when he has a family to feed, ya know?! I want a man who puts himself in check because of God, not because of me. I want a man who has studied and meditated on what God requires of him and truly truly desires to live by it so that he can stay in God's good graces. And it's a hard thing to do, all of that! Especially when it makes you look different from other people - because it will. Believe me, I know. It's a struggle for me every single freakin day! It's an uphill journey! No, it's freaking up the mountain crawling on your hands and knees journey! And it certainly takes longer than 4 months to get there. I just want a servant of Jehovah. That's all I want. It's my number 1 requirement. If he has that then the honesty, the responsibility, the will all be there. Just give me a servant of Jehovah God. Please God. Please.

And that's where I am right now. I'm asking for this servant, but I can't have one if I'm not there myself. When the chapter on my ex and I finally ended, I knew it was time to make God my closest confidant. So right now, it's just me and God. Just me and my Father. And there's not a person out there than can take that away from me right now. You just don't understand how badly I NEED and WANT Him in my life.

I lost my job Thursday. There were 600 lay-offs at Time Inc and I have 2 weeks until my last day. When I watched the people crying and depressed the other day, my heart broke for them. I can't imagine how it would feel not to have God standing right next to you holding your hand. I know 115% for a fact that God will not leave me. He's helped me this far so why wouldn't I be okay? Ever since my break-up, which I think was one of the most timely things that have ever happened to me, I've been diving into some really creative things that I am longing to pursue. I realize that I have talents that I haven't even begun to tap into. I feel like I'm surrounded by protection that can only come from one being. Do you know that I sold my first song a couple of weeks ago? Can you believe that I have a modeling gig in the next couple of days? Isn't it fantastic that I just came into $700 that I didn't know about? Isn't it crazy that my parents JUST found out they can build their new house without having to sell the current one, which means I can live there if I want? How is it that all of this is just happening right at the time of my lay-off? Surely not by my own graces. I have supreme cushion on all sides. He will not leave me and He never has. I'm not the least bit worried and I'm definitely looking forward to what my life will hold. Especially since I have Him. There's no where to go but up from here.

Speaking of up, Essence was THE best job I have ever had. I prayed and prayed and prayed for that job and it turned out to be the perfect opportunity. I woke up every single day ready to step into that building and walk through the double doors into the Essence office. It was a privilege. When speaking to my manager who also was let go, she said she couldn't help but to think about me because she knew how much Essence was my baby. It really was. And it will continue to be. I will always have a special place in my heart for Essence. I'm really going to miss the family that I build there. My department was unique. Even though I worked directly for Essence, I was in a cluster with finance people who worked for Real Simple and InStyle magazines, so I was around a diverse group of individuals. White, Asian, men, women, old, young, crazy, quiet. That was my family for 11 months ya'll. And ALL of us got along! How insane is that?! All 12 of us. But now that there are only 4 left standing, we'll all go in different directions and just cherish the relationships that we've built. Essence was a blessing. It truly was.

So what's next? I definitely have to write. I was just asked to contribute to another blog and help administer the site for a new enterprise back out in Cali. That's going to be a piece of cake for me. And I adore the guy who's running this enterprise. His heart is so big that I'll do anything for him. The music team I sold my song to (GEM and NK) has asked me to work with them, so I'll continue to do that no matter whether I stay in NY or move back home. I have a pretty good severance package so I'm thinking about perhaps going to photography school. I did say that I want to put together a portfolio by October 2009 didn't I? GEM doesn't want me to leave so he's working to find me a job in NY. He's already pushed me onto a couple of people's plates which was really kind of him. And then this modeling thing? It's just something to do. A one time thing. Even though I'm 5'9" and a size 6, my butt is way too big to model. I have a sista card and that's not going to work. Modeling is not my thing either. I had fun doing it in college but it's not my style. If I take it seriously, I think it'll take me in a direction I'm not willing to go if you know what I mean. And then there's always the option to go back to school. I LOVE school. Always have. But I'm too creative to do finance and business school. I have to find the right school niche.

Moving home is my only concern. For all four of us to be under one roof again. Mmm... It gives me the chills. Let's just put it like that. Two grown children cannot peacefully co-exist with their parents. My sister and parents are having a hard time as it is. I think they're not even speaking right now. I SO don't want to move back in and be a part of that drama. I need peace in my life. (lol. how many times have i said that!) I love my family, but they are just too much. I told my mother that I think they've all gotten out of control. Because of how difficult it is, they've somehow gotten really mean towards one another. What is that all about?!! ILLL. I can't do that! My mother says that I'm probably exactly what they need to pull it back together. Well why do I have to be that person?! Lol. I'm really sensitive and most likely will start crying when family stress drags me there. Everyone will probably check themselves if that happens because no one like to see me cry. A family meeting will be called and everything. I can already see it! But the next family meeting I want to have is with my own husband and 2.5 kids! Feel me?! I don't want a 9 to 5 job, but if that means getting me out of Ramblewood then that's what I'll have to do.

My dad told me that in hard times, with family is the best place to be. I wholeheartedly agree. Every one's going to need their mommies and daddies the way things are going with this economy. Can you believe that 6,000 jobs were lost in NY in the month of October alone?! Yeah, we're going to need each other. My sister is excited for me to come home. I'm glad she's excited. It's nice to know she feels that way about me. My sis and I have a good relationship. My prayer for her is that she build a firm relationship with God. The lady is so smart. Intelligent beyond belief, but she can be such a frantic mess sometimes. I think that a relationship with God will help her with that. But like I said up top, that takes time. Everybody has to take that journey if they desire it. It's a long one, but it's super rewarding.

I never or hardly talk about my relationship with God on this blog, even though it's such a huge part of my life. But the closer I get to Him, the more I feel like an outsider. But that's to be expected and I'm prepared for it. For example, I have a lot of nice male friends. For the girls who don't really get it, I often hear "i don't understand why you're not dating him or hopping on that right now, cuz giirrrlllll, if i were you..." Yeah, I can imagine why you don't understand. It's not that simple for me. Which sucks sometimes because I realize that I'm limiting my choices. A man who serves God the way I do! Ha! Yeah, that's like searching for the underwire on Aretha Franklin's bra. But that's what I want. And I did say that God won't leave me right? If I don't have faith, how will it be delivered? (And that's why if it's even possible, the ex is going to have to come SO hard. I mean SOOOOO hard. I don't feel like an average woman. I KNOW I'm not. My standards are so high. Too high for him, I believe.) And then this past Halloween, which is a holiday I really don't get down with, I got chastised for not celebrating it. I've never been pushed so hard to celebrate this holiday before. I used to be surrounded by people who kept away from Halloween and all that it stood for, but for some reason, I lost all those people. Lol. It's weird how I'm constantly reminded of my choices, but that's a good thing. I'm constantly reminded of my relationship with God. And if that's what it takes, then so be it.

I feel like I've been writing for an hour, but I needed this. This is one of those posts that I'll be able to look back upon and see growth. I feel like I'm in a good place and prayerfully, I'll stay here.

Ciao bellas.
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