Cue Keri.
"Now wait a minute little buster
Now you don’t even know me but you wanna take me shopping
You a lame, I can tell it ain’t big **** poppin
You turnin me off
Better recognize a real woman"
My boy BMW spoke to me about his plans to go on a cruise with his girlfriend. He got into the subject of money and how tight things are right now. I agreed with him saying, "yeah, i can imagine after paying for 2 plane tickets and 2 cruises." He immediately shut that down and said, "naw homie. she has to be near my wife in order for me to pay for a plane ticket or a vacay! this is a dutch situation." I was a little taken aback for a second (not sure why), but in bold cap letters I replied on AIM, "I HEAR THAT".
Some females may not be a fan but I believe BMW's mentality was refreshing. Strong indeed, but refreshing. Dudes don't think like this anymore, which is kinda sad...well.... not for the women out there who like/need/expect men to pay for outlandish and lavish purchases. But like Keri says, something turns me off about a dude who offers up his money all willy nilly like. For example, no lie, about 2 weeks ago, I was talking to a NEW acquaintance (remember I said NEW) that I met in NY not even 3 months ago...and in random fashion this man says to me, "so what do i have to do to see you again? i'm ready to send you a plane ticket to get you down here." Huh?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was too through. Needless to say, I had to explain some things him. It's obvious he had the wrong impression. =/ But doesn't that say a lot about his character? He doesn't even know me. What kind of women does he think I am?! What kind of character does he think I have? Did I do or say anything to make him think that was okay? Or is this normal? (Note to self - I really need to stop making "acquaintances" with random people just because we had a great conversation or they're extra nice. I'm a sucker for those things but... ya know.)
My father used to say to never accept a gift from a man because he's always expecting something in return. I think this is great advice when you're young as you really don't have the wisdom to discern the true intentions of a man yet. It's better safe than sorry to just say 'no thank you'. As you become older it becomes advice you can use as a basis in various situations. While it's not necessary to reject everything that a man gives you, i.e. if he's buying you a drink or treating you to something reasonable, that age-old advice can speak to you and your conscious when any gift-giving situation arises. It's a safety precaution if you will.
"Better recognize a real woman." I kinda don't want to say this for fear of a little backlash, but I'm going to say it anyway. If you're a real woman, you don't take money, trips, shopping sprees, etc. from men who 1) you are not married to and 2) who you don't know like that! Gold diggers, stop it! Just stop it! That is not okay! Be the kind of woman who CANNOT be bought. Be the kind of woman who can afford her own VVS 1.5 ct diamond studs! (ooh la la!) Ya heard?! And stop getting mad or assuming a man is cheap because he tells you no. Stand on your own two. Be an independent woman.
Now if your husband or fiance still has the word 'dutch' in his vocabulary, there may be a problem. Lol. And that's another subject for another day. =)
What are your thoughts? Do you disagree? Women - Have you ever accepted a gift from a man? How did it turn out? Men - If you've bought a plane ticket or a pretty expensive gift for a woman, what made you do so? Do you think you can buy a woman's happiness? Speak on it people.
11 comments:
SOOO true...
Real Talk, trickin is trickin... Doesn't matter if you have it, its still trickin. Learned my lesson the hard way, but that's sometimes the best way to learn.
If you are talking dinner dates or something normal, then fine I'll gladly pick up the tab. Shopping sprees, expensive trips, paying bills, forget all that. If she can't take care of her own, then she will just eat away at my assets and I'm not having it.
Of course, with financial issues looming over us all these days, if she comes into some hardship, then I can definitely help out... Otherwise please slide to the left as I move forward.
i totally AGREE i could write a LONG response that would definitely end up being a blog message in itself...but part of the issue is that a lot of guys have come across those types of women, so they think they can flash the cash and get a little... you can fill that in...
i actually had to let this guy KNOW because he chose to call himself "throwing in my face that he had bought me this and that...and would drop it off.." i kindly explained to him that i didn't ask him for anything that he could keep it because anything i really needed i could get for myself and further more anything i really wanted i had plenty of people that really loved me that would never see me go without...
see that's the key letting people know hey its cool we can be cool, but i DO IN FACT HAVE LOVE all around me so material things don't move me...
the dude actually had to say to me
"i wasn't used to a female (key word he is used to dealing with females-not a woman who got her own-there is a difference) not needing me to do anything for her...not being materialistic" my response was NO you just weren't used to someone NOT being bought...
women do it to don't get me wrong, i have seen a many a time my brothers and homies just being given stuff...
problem in general: people think that they can BUY others or use money or material objects to gain a relationship, love or just plain ole arse...sad but true
Honey don't play that. I was raised to have my own. "God bless the child that's got her own" is what I was told. I've never forgotten that. It's nice to be treated by My man. Being with someone who had lots of money to toss around, that means nothing because that money can be spent on anybody. What's more meaningful is a man that is into me, knows me well and uses the data he has to do MEANINGFUL things for me. A sweet letter, a card, the jewelry box he saw me eyeing while we were in the store because I really need one....My love is not for sale.
EXACTLY GEM!!!!
As i'm sure you know I couldn't disagree more.
You shouldn't have to wait until your engaged for a man to go out of his way for you. That's all we're really talking about here, him going out of his way...if he didn't have money to take himself on vacay let alone you, would you reject his offer for him to come over and fix your broken stove? Sure you have money to fix it, you can call the fix it man, but he wants to go out of his way for you what's wrong with letting him?
I agree after 2 dates a shopping trip is inappropriate. But once you have determined this mans motivations you know his intentions, you know him (However long that might take, say 4-5 months of consistent, perhaps even exclusive, dating) let him be himself and take on whatever role of providership he is comfortable with. If that means, he buys your dress for that out of state wedding your attending, he pays to get your car fixed, or he offers to take you on a weekend get-a-way, while i don't think these things should be expected or demanded if he wants to go out of his way for me in that respect who am I to tell him no?
And to be honest if I were going on vacation with a man, (and this is contingent on a bunch of circumstances too lengthy to get into here, suffice it to say I am not speaking directly to BMW's situation b/c I clearly don't know the specifics) and he didn't offer to pay for one of the big ticket items (airfare, the hotel, etc), or at least express regret at not being able to take care of one such item, then you are likely not for me long term.
We all know I can take care of myself but I want a man who wants to take care of me, as part of his manhood he wants to provide if you don't have that in you, then we not gone make it. lol.
Let's not get to independent ladies. Let a man be the man that he is.
I think that the main point that j.a.c. was trying to drive home was with reference to men trying to buy a womans affections. And also the flip side of women accepting these gifts when 1) they have just met this man, and/or 2) they don't have any intent of being with this man.
I strongly believe that the emotional needs of a woman must be met in order to gain her affection. Therefore, there is no way to 'buy' a woman's love, furthermore if her emotional needs are not being met, she will never be happy.
I can feel what you're saying Jen but I think those men who love to "floss" and trick on every chick just because they can should be poo pooed on because frankly that’s almost like saying they can buy anything or anyone they want. These men are also probably used to chicks who require being tricked on and are down with what they're supposed to do in return. So if it's with this mentality and feedback that said man is now stepping to me with, I'll politely decline because I'm not prepared to engage in this "quid pro quo" sort of exchange.
Now as a sincere gesture of a man's affection for me? Yes, give me the meaningful gifts; be it your time, labor, energy, or PR vaca and I will reciprocate in kind. It's a fine line though ladies and we must tread lightly. There is a time to exhale and let him do him but I think it's important to assert your independence in the beginning.
I think we all agree that some man you just met offering to take you to the Dominican after one phone convo is undoubtedly trying to sell you into international sex trade.
But JAC said this: "If you're a real woman, you don't take money, trips, shopping sprees, etc. from men who 1) you are not married to and 2) who you don't know like that! Gold diggers, stop it!"
And my comment is in response to that. We all have our own levels of comfort, and clearly getting a sense from someone that their gifts of time or money are for the sole purpose of getting something in return should be an automatic red flag and your cue to move on.
But since this topic came to JAC from her conversation with BMW, I have to say I think its apples and oranges...meeting a random who wants to buy me a car-not ok. Going on a trip with my boyfriend and he pays for airfare, the hotel, car rental, my meals and buys me some stuff while I'm there...perfectly ok. Does he have to do all that, no of course not. If he can, and wants to, and we are at a point where we are exclusive and vacationing together why the heck not? Saying you have to be engaged or married to receive that type of gift from your man is limiting and unnecessary. If you've been dating someone long enough to be going on vacay together, you should have already been able to assess what his intentions are, and where his heart is in relation to the things he gives you...if you don't know that, you shouldn't be going on vacay with him at all.
I guess the question is 'at what point is everyone (both parties of the relationship) comfortable with this sort of exchange?' Everyone is different. Because of what was ingrained in me from the childhood, I wouldn't feel comfortable with him paying "for airfare, the hotel, car rental, my meals and [buying] me some stuff while I'm there". I wouldn't feel right, unless there was some kind of arrangement where he got this trip and I got the next.
Men have also offered to fly me down to where they are. All I could think was: what do I have to give you in return.
I don't play that. I was raised to have my own and I proceed through life that way. If a guy is my bf and he offers to pay for something extravagant, I am never really quite willing. However it does please me that he is able to and wants, even if I don't always let him follow through.
i definitely can see where you are coming from Jenn...and I don't think that the overall scheme of the money and gifts is the issue its the intent...well at least for me...off the break you don't know anyone enough to offer to send them a ticket to come and see you for NOTHING...now if we dating dinner here or there...cool...but i can't be excepting clothes and jewelry and all that off the break or a few months...that's a bit much
and i think its definitely fine to let a man be a man and provide and do nice things, but i think we all get to rapped up sometimes in the material aspects of life...and unless we are in a seriously committed relationship where we are both having a mutual exchange, not saying equal because i could make more, he could be making more whatever...but a mutual exchange of LOVE where its we are BOTH doing things small and sentimental to the materialistic even up to a all expenses paid trip...
like that's what its all about to me...it has GOT to be mutual exchange of friendship, love and all that first...because other wise its straight up suspect and i am not going for the okie dok that you putting something on IT...naw bruh...
that's my stance...
Post a Comment