During my laid-off months, my life was quiet. Even though I was unemployed with no money, I lived in a little cocoon of peace. It was nice. No stress, no drama, no difficulties. Last week, however, my world was turned upside down. The stress monster hit me smack in my face. Literally. The splitting headache, the protruding vein in my forehead and the throbbing behind my eyes were unmistakable. I was losing it. While pondering over the million and two things that were on my mind on Friday, I started to get very upset...so much so that I had to take a deep breath to fight back the tears that were trying to blur my vision while driving.
Not even one minute after I updated my facebook status, which spoke on my stress levels, I got a phone call of concern from a very good friend who I've been trying to get in touch with unsuccessfully. With all of the emotion whirling inside of me, I couldn't help but to be extremely touched by his reaching out. Even though I was too overwhelmed to talk about what was bothering me, I texted him shortly after we hung up... "Thank you so much for calling. I'm rather emotional right now so your kind concern just about has me in tears. I'll try to call you this weekend." When he responded again, he did so in a way that made me feel like he was reaching through the phone to wrap his arms around me and hold me up while my legs buckled from underneath me. J.E. saved me at that moment. He noticed when I thought no one did.
I've had a lot of time to think things through and I've decide to focus on the solutions rather than the problems. The answers are as follows (and the rest will most likely be clear): 1. I need to sit down and have a conversation with him. This whole thing is not right and I know in my soul that this isn't what it should be. He can't marry her if he still has feelings for me. Well he can, but before he makes that decision, we need to talk. I just want him to be happy and be able to live his life without the problems that are existing between him and his fiance'. He's more than an ex-boyfriend. He's family. Hopefully I can help him. 2. I will stop letting my to-do lists overwhelm me by simplifying them, file for an extension on my taxes, have my dad take my car to get checked for emissions for me, tell L. that I need more time, and notify Mrs. D. and Mr. E. of the fact that I can't right now. Sometimes it's best to tell people no. I will not be pressured. 3. It's clear that my standards are overwhelming to him. So I will give him the space he should take. Regardless if he feels like he needs it or not. I am not in a relationship with anyone so I will not act like I am. Even though I want to do what comes natural...communicate, see how he's feeling, reassure him, blah blah blah, it's not my place. He'll work it out on his own. I don't owe anyone anything. 4. I will not renew my contract or accept a permanent positions with Washington Post Digital come June. I will find a career which I love and that will want to pay me for the full hours that I give in service. I need things to be uncomplicated. Not paying me for the hours that I've worked is unacceptable. 5. I understand what happens when a man become serious about a woman. So I'm going to be a big girl and suck it up. I will miss our closeness and our conversations, but I'm going to step out of the way and wish him nothing but joy. If we are true friends, it will shine through and he won't forget about me. 6. When people ask me what I do, I will never say that I am an accountant or I do finance work. No. I am a photographer, writer, dancer and an executive with Artistry Group. My occupation will be what I love. Finance is my side job. It's what pays my car note. Nothing more, nothing less. 7. I'm going to write about investing in family relationships. I have a story to tell regarding my relationship with my father and it needs to be told.
I can't say that even though I now have the answers that I'm okay now. It was hard getting there. Especially on my own. It was a lot to handle all at once, even though I did it. I've always been a superwoman. I always come out on top. But I'm sad because I'm exhausted and there's still so much more to do. I have to now apply the solutions and make them work for me. I have to put action behind everything so that I can go back to that state of peace that I desire. But I need help. I can't think about who to ask or where to turn, because my brain is fried and I'm verging on empty. I've gotten far, but I need help. My family and Jehovah are just about my own havens at the moment. In reality, that's enough and that's exactly what they're there for. Oh and writing! My friends may all seem to be disappearing (due to responsibilities, new girlfriends, distance, etc.), but at least I have my therapy.
I desire stillness and quiet. When I get that, maybe the sadness will dissipate. Until then, I'll keep climbing.