Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I'm Focused Man

You would think it was the week before my period because my emotions have been insane. I'm much better today than I was yesterday though. I had to refocus my energies and map out a system for my sanity. Yesterday was one of those days when I was in my head, talking myself in and out of crazy notions. I must have written 4 or 5 journal entries trying to straighten out my confusion. I convinced myself that my husband didn't want a baby, or at least not as much as I want one. We've talked about it, but not in the way that two serious people would. The conversations are always haphazard and jokingly light. But instead of wallowing in fear of what my future might not hold, I got it together and devised a plan. A spiritual plan.

Considering how unhappy and crazy I was yesterday, I dug into some material on 'joy' last night. It seems like I come around to this topic every so often, doesn't it? It's an area that I don't do too well in. I've accepted that I am a pessimistic person so I might need to revisit it every quarter, if not more. Anyway, I realize now that my eight months of unemployment/freedom are over, I haven't been out in the ministry as much. Well let's be honest...while my calendar says I've done 8 hours of service, I can't even remember the last time I actually went out. I probably haven't met the group in a month of Saturdays. So in an effort to busy myself with something other than worrying and spazzing out, I've decided to get back into action. I know that I can't do as much as I used to do, but perhaps I can do more than I did when I worked back in the day. It's not so much that I looove being in the ministry. I more so do it to preserve my sanity. When you focus on others, you really don't have time to focus on your shortcomings and issues. Alone time with my thoughts is a dangerous thing.

I think I also need to start recounting my blessings. I take EVERYHING for granted. I know that because when asked to write down my blessings, I usually come up with nothing. How insane is that? This time, I'm going to think about this week's lessons in the Yearbook and compare myself and my issues to theirs. Most of the time, these people are WAY worse off than me. I have to remember that Jehovah has blessed me with more than I can count. I'm determined to find a way not to make Jehovah think that I don't care.

I have to remain focused. There are so many things that could be ahead of me. I think my heart is in the right place so all I have to do is apply what I know and get working. My eyes are straight ahead and I'm ready to grind. Spiritually, career-wise and financially. That's all I care about right now.
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