1,001

This is my 1,001 post and it's not a good one.

I had a panic attack on the train this morning. It came out of no where. I was reading my Bible lesson and all of a sudden I couldn't breath. I put my reading materials away and took off my blazer because I was started to feel like I was suffocating due to heat. Every time I closed my eyes, something in my brain told me to keep them open. So I leaned forward over my purse and tried to calm down. The lady next to me must have thought I was crazy.

I've been trying to pull myself up by the bootstraps. The house has been tense, so I've been trying to remain uplifted and have a positive attitude. I was even thankful for the radio deejays who were cutting up during my ride over to the metro. I want to wake up laughing, joking, being loud and fun like they do. Why is it so hard? What do they have that I don't? I feel like I'm missing something. I wrote the below yesterday just to try to write something. I wasn't in a mood when I wrote it but it subconsciously poured out. I guess that's what you call foreshadowing.

There's nothing that I want more than to be happy.
To be able to go through a day feeling bright from the inside out.
People go day to day with an energy that I find confusing.
Going through the same day's events that I do but yet pulling through with grace and wrinkles around their eyes from permanent smiles.
How they find peace among the rat race is baffling.
How they ride chaotic trains in rush hour with auras of light and pleasant expressions eludes me.
Where do they get it from?
I want to know the secret; how they find the stability.
Where does the strength come from to swat away life's ugly cruelties?
I need to figure it out pretty soon.
More of the world's weight affecting my mood...it's eating my spirit.
I can not live day to day under the hand of stress and be shoved around.
All I want is to experience unaffected joy.
The type that permeates your personality and affects others lives.
The kind that warms the atmosphere upon first contact.
I want happiness to be who I am so no one can ever take it away.
Tell me how to be infinitely happy.