My mind has been inundated with crap. While getting ready this morning, for nothing as it turns out, I had an entire blog drafted in my head about how this exhausted feeling I can't get rid of must mean that I'm unhappy. I don't know what's going on with me. I feel like a ball of hot mess and for some reason nothing seems to give me relief. I took at JAC day yesterday. Ate crab legs, watched my CW tv shows, played around with some music, did some studying, etc. But like a crazy person, it still wasn't enough. Even with an entire day dedicated to doing me, I still wake up the next day in tears. I'm trying to hold it together but I have problems taping into my positive side. To make matters worse, I feel even more terrible because my bf, the most amazing, caring, big hearted man, has to deal with all of this. I wish I could disappear so that he didn't have to be concerned or feel the weight of my dismay. I don't want him to think that I'm crazy but I don't know if that will be possible because I feel crazy. I can't convince someone else if I can't even convince myself. While crying in his arms this morning, I told him I felt like a retard. I wish I could get hold of myself, but I can't. Can't shouldn't be in my vocabulary but seriously, I can't get it together.
Is it my job? Even though I've left the menial and mind-numbing billing and accounting responsibilities behind, this new position has a level of stress on its on that is wearing me out. There are about 3 degrees of separation between me and the top execs (presidents, CEO, publisher, etc.) of The Washington Post, which means that we get a lot of high level, emergency requests that have to be taken care of RIGHT AWAY. Being the worker bee of the department, and due to the fact that the other worker bee among us is on maternity leave, I'm the one who has the privilege of putting together these high level responses and packages at lightening speed. I never thought that providing information and doing analyses could be so draining. The pressure is intense. Most career driven people would love my job. Not only would they see it as an opportunity to rub shoulders with the most powerful people at The Washington Post, but they would be excited about the prospects of having that high level job one day. Me...not so much. I prefer a quiet, simple occupation. I wonder if it'll be so uptight and high strung once my co-worker comes back. I need her for balance. Two people are better than one to lighten the load.
I've never been with someone who was so different than me. The way we were raised, the way we think, how we were educated... I'm a silvery moon and he's a blue whale. (Don't ask me how I just came up with that.) Being that neither know anything about the other's world, a whole lot of communication and learning is necessary. Baby boy and I have been working very hard lately to learn each other. We've stayed up many late nights discussing situations and how we each see them. I've learned a lot recently, but I'm ready to be past this part already. I'm ready to know him and not look at him like an alien when he says or believes something I don't get. But does the work in a relationship ever cease? Unfortunately not.
So yeah, I need a break. I wish I could go away, but just the thought that I am supposed to be at work today, and I'm not makes me feel a little better. Bump it all. I need to take care of JAC before I really lose my mind.