Monday, November 02, 2009

Mental Health Day

I got fully dressed complete with coat, pashmina and Uggs, ready to walk out of the door when all of a sudden I decided that I couldn't do it. I sat down in a chair for about 15 minutes at the end of the hallway and just stared down the walkway which led to the door. I told my mom who was brushing her teeth in the nearby bathroom that I couldn't do it. Not today, not tomorrow and not Wednesday. Now I'm laying on the couch watching cartoons at my bf's place while he's at work.

My mind has been inundated with crap. While getting ready this morning, for nothing as it turns out, I had an entire blog drafted in my head about how this exhausted feeling I can't get rid of must mean that I'm unhappy. I don't know what's going on with me. I feel like a ball of hot mess and for some reason nothing seems to give me relief. I took at JAC day yesterday. Ate crab legs, watched my CW tv shows, played around with some music, did some studying, etc. But like a crazy person, it still wasn't enough. Even with an entire day dedicated to doing me, I still wake up the next day in tears. I'm trying to hold it together but I have problems taping into my positive side. To make matters worse, I feel even more terrible because my bf, the most amazing, caring, big hearted man, has to deal with all of this. I wish I could disappear so that he didn't have to be concerned or feel the weight of my dismay. I don't want him to think that I'm crazy but I don't know if that will be possible because I feel crazy. I can't convince someone else if I can't even convince myself. While crying in his arms this morning, I told him I felt like a retard. I wish I could get hold of myself, but I can't. Can't shouldn't be in my vocabulary but seriously, I can't get it together.

Is it my job? Even though I've left the menial and mind-numbing billing and accounting responsibilities behind, this new position has a level of stress on its on that is wearing me out. There are about 3 degrees of separation between me and the top execs (presidents, CEO, publisher, etc.) of The Washington Post, which means that we get a lot of high level, emergency requests that have to be taken care of RIGHT AWAY. Being the worker bee of the department, and due to the fact that the other worker bee among us is on maternity leave, I'm the one who has the privilege of putting together these high level responses and packages at lightening speed. I never thought that providing information and doing analyses could be so draining. The pressure is intense. Most career driven people would love my job. Not only would they see it as an opportunity to rub shoulders with the most powerful people at The Washington Post, but they would be excited about the prospects of having that high level job one day. Me...not so much. I prefer a quiet, simple occupation. I wonder if it'll be so uptight and high strung once my co-worker comes back. I need her for balance. Two people are better than one to lighten the load.

I've never been with someone who was so different than me. The way we were raised, the way we think, how we were educated... I'm a silvery moon and he's a blue whale. (Don't ask me how I just came up with that.) Being that neither know anything about the other's world, a whole lot of communication and learning is necessary. Baby boy and I have been working very hard lately to learn each other. We've stayed up many late nights discussing situations and how we each see them. I've learned a lot recently, but I'm ready to be past this part already. I'm ready to know him and not look at him like an alien when he says or believes something I don't get. But does the work in a relationship ever cease? Unfortunately not.

So yeah, I need a break. I wish I could go away, but just the thought that I am supposed to be at work today, and I'm not makes me feel a little better. Bump it all. I need to take care of JAC before I really lose my mind.


*B* Fab said...

GIRL! Are you in my head or WHAT! agh! I'm sitting here contemplating what story to concoct so I can GO HOME! I cannot with today, nope, I can't! ugh! I should have stayed home, but I somehow managed to get to work and well, I need to leave!

*side note, I caught up on my CW shows yesterday too, haha!*

I hope your day gets better :)

Kep said...


Long time, no blog comment! Thought I'd check in and see how things are going. I can relate to that "going crazy" feeling. There was a period last year with so much mental, emotional, and even spiritual stress, where I was honeslty starting to wonder if I was losing it. I'm very used to being the "together" one who's composed when everyone else is freaking out. I was losing that. . . quickly.

Part of it was what was happening in my life: Lingering ex finally left my life for good, living under a parent I hadn't lived with since I was five after five years of being on my own, starting a new job with administrative responsibilities that I was soooo not trained for and a pay that was unreliable, maintaint administrative responsibilities I already had with Kiamsha, and the stress of knowing that I had to be dropping the ball somewhere. . . if not everywhere. There was more, but this list is long enough. Anyway, I was essentially working all the time, stealing an hour or two here to eat and watch a tv show or two. But that was rare.

At first it seemed like it was all of the stress from everything, what I didn't have in my life that I wanted (me time, significant other, etc.) But then I hit the reset button.

On the surface, my current situation is actually a lot busier and more stressful than last year's. But I don't have that feeling of I can't hold on. The difference was that last year, I made time for the Almighty for the most part, but there would be periods where I "just didn't have time" to make time for Him.

I'm not saying this is the case with you, but the root of why I didn't make time is the factor that's allowed me to get back to that "peace that surpasses all understanding": I wasn't trusting in Him.

Christ taught in Matthew 6 not to worry about tomorrow, and to seek first the Kingdom and all things would be provided. You know the song :-) But in all of my busy-ness I'd failed to remember where my strength came from in the first place. It's like I was so busy getting to the battle that I forgot my sword, armor, and my training.

Anyway, it's late, and I'm sure this is less coherent than I'd like it to be, but hopefully it proves useful. Again, I don't know what your particular situation is, but after taking a step back and looking at whether I was really trusting in Him or not, making the change was what gave me my sanity back. We can do nothing without Him, and can do anything with Him.

Much love, sis.


MysTery said...

PLEASE take care of you girl!
Try not to let the job stress you so much (easy to say huh? lol.)
Ask God what your purpose is for being there.

I know it is frustrating, but take your time getting to know your man. If he is the one, it will be well worth it.

You will be in my prayers. :)

j.a.c. said...

Oh he's worth it Mystery, cuz we're engaged!

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