Wednesday, October 07, 2009


I am exhausted. Work seriously wore me out today. So much so that my director told me to leave early Friday. I pray that I'll be able to take advantage of that. There's just so much to do. And more to do when I get home tonight.

I'm out of town again this weekend. I feel like I just got back into town, except I didn't go anywhere. Didn't think my calendar would ever look as full as it does. Whenever I'm asked if I'm free, I have to check my pinkberry like the CEO of a Fortune 500 company (except his/hers isn't pink-shame). I'm still dying to get away. And not for a purpose, but just because. I want to go to my busy home of old. By myself. I miss NY.

Imogen Heap is so good to me right now. She's exactly what should be in my ear considering my mood and location. There's a huge caucasian man sitting next to me making me feel trapped against the train's window. Imogen is soothing my nerves. But it's a good thing he's white. He won't be on the train for much longer. I doubt he'll go past Eastern Market. Hopefully. Oh wait! I'm at Potomac Avenue! OH NO! Maybe he forgot to get off. No. He just looked out the window and calmly looked back down at his phone. Shoot! Why do I always get locked in? Every other person in this car is sitting alone. Ok. Stadium Armory was his final destination. My back doesn't hurt so bad anymore. Freedom.

My mind went blank. You ever feel like someone is taking a picture of you with their camera phone? I'm pretty sure that's happening right now. I wish there were laws against that. Where might my picture end up? I don't even want to think about it.

I asked God for strength this evening. More specifically, the strength to respond appropriately. In a mature fashion. In a manner that others would want to imitate. I have a mean streak. I need to work hard to surpress it because usually the ones I love are the only ones who see it. I have all the compassion in the world for strangers. I may have compassion for loved ones as well, yet I have a hard time showing it when ticked off. I feel like loved ones should know better. It's no excuse however.

When I look into the future, I hardly see past 1st quarter 2010. I don't want it to be that way. I wish I could see further but everything past that is darker than a pitch black southern night. My future literally falls off a cliff. It's extremely empty. For the first time, I can not anticipate my life. The sketch pad of my world is so blank. How do I feel about that? My emotions are mixed. I'm somewhat apprehensive but yet I'm anxious to fill in the blanks. One thing is for sure. It's going to be a learning experience.

I dreamt that my parents were getting a divorced. I remember screaming at my dad and telling him that he must not be a man of God and he better fix it.

As late as it is, I'm not ready to go home. I could use a stiff drink but I think I'll settle for a chic-fil-a vanilla shake with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

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