Something's Missing

1. Wake up at 6am
2. Get dressed, etc.
3. Drive to work
4. Spend 9 hours slaving away
5. Afternoon activity
6. Eat dinner if I'm hungry
7. Shower
8. Watch tv show of the night
9. Set alarm clock
10. Sleep by 10:30pm

The schedule never changes. The only variations I have are my afternoon activities. But even that's mundane. On Monday's, the afternoon activity is to start and hopefully complete my schoolwork. On Tuesday's, it's to complete the homework I didn't finish and go to the meeting. Wednesday's I go to the second job. Blah blah blah.

Last night I had a hard time falling asleep. I had this melancholy empty feeling in my heart. I didn't really know why I felt that way or why I was laying in the dark staring at pitch blackness. It wasn't until an hour passed that I decided to turn on my bed light and break out my journal. I didn't know what I was going to write about but when my pen hit the page, I started writing about the things I miss, need and want in poem format. I can't remember exactly what I wrote but it was along the lines of wanting to feel fall's brisk air through my fingers, hearing the symphonies of a solemn forest, wanting to dangle my bare feet over a cool stone wall, etc. I then went on to write all of the things that seem to cloud life like opening my wallet and seeing a bunch of receipts and not one dirty green dollar bill; joining the steady stream of California traffic on my way to the tall brown hodrum ediface with big letters on top which read "BOEING"; thinking of when I will find time to take care of one of my most hated tasks - grocery shopping; remembering what necessary phone calls I have to make so that my car gets proper treatment or my sisters know that I was asked to add a 4th harmony to the "Hey" track. It was all just stuff. The stuff of life that no one can seem to avoid.

After finishing jotting down those random thoughts, I re-read it and figured it out. I miss the natural and peaceful things in my life. When I was in grade school, my preppy, predominately white school always had me (the-I-despise-dirt-and-nature-little-black-girl) hiking up dirty mountain trails during insane temperatures, sliding into drippy mud for softball practice, and canoeing down some tiny rough creek in the rain. I was forced to do the so-called "white" things during those 8 years of schooling there. While I hated it then, I would do ANYTHING to have those moments back or to pick them up again in my new found adulthood.

After this first revelation, my soul mate called. (I forgot that I texted him earlier to mention that I couldn't sleep.) He asked me what was on my mind. After pitching what I thought was insane thoughts, he put the nail on the head by reminding me of how we used to get dressed on any random day and just leave the dorms with no destination in mind. Walking arm in arm, we used to just walk the streets of Harlem, randomly catch a stupid movie, find our way to Central Park or just sit on a random street like 69th and Morningside and people-watch. Being in the Hollywood of all Hollywoods doesn't afford me the luxury of being spontaneous. When I get in the car (which eliminates the randomness of it all in the first place), I have to have a plan; a destination in mind. Then he asked me what are two things that I would like to do during the week to break up the motonony that I'm feeling. It's crazy that he said that because at work yesterday I randomly went to the Orange County Performing Arts site and told myself to find a weeknight performance to attend. It's amazing how well he knows me, how he feels me before I even understand myself... Ode to my Soul Mate --->
"So thank you for standing right by me
So thank you for being behind me
And watching me grow
and letting others know
that you still believe in what I'll be"

I guess there's just certain things that I need in my life that I'm not finding. The more important things in life aren't forefront and my heart's craving them. The Bible says that all humans have a spiritual need and I think that need is calling me.

Close my eyes and smell the salt from the ocean
Feel the chill from the snow against my cheeks
See the colors of the flame burning at the camp fire
Lay on the cold, heard earth in the family tent
Watch the rugged faces of elders in the community
Talk about memories while my sister and I lay under her comforter
Listen to music together that sends goosebumps down my spine
Sit in silence with the sunset on my face
I'm searching for something calm in this volcano of a world
Let's hope I find it fast...