I talked to my mother about marriage today. She mentioned that one of the young brothers in her congregation is looking for a wife. I asked her how old he was and she told me he was 22. My immediate reaction was "dang he's young", but she said that if a man is itching to get married, that's exactly what he should do. So I said, "true true... I have that itch too." Well I've always been the girl out of all my friends who's wanted a husband and a couple of kids to tote, but I guess after being single for almost a year and a half now makes that feeling even more acute. But anyway, before I continue, it's important to know that my mother and I talk like girlfriends. We laugh and joke all the time. I talk to her almost everyday and when she answers my calls she always says "what's up with you girl?" So to continue with the story, she laughs and says that I could be married in six months if I just came home. I agreed with her but reminded her that I'm not coming back to the DC area. She started laughing at me again and said that my list is too long. She said that I'm like Sanaa Lathan in 'Something New' with that IBM (ideal black man) list. I was like, "no I'm not!!!" We started laughing and she proceeded to tell me all the things that I new were true about me. The thing that she said that hit me the most was that there are about 4 men in my past who would marry me tomorrow if they could, yet I don't want any of them. She's said this to me before but for some reason I didn't really want to hear that. So I whined and did my usual, "Mooommmmm. Don't Say That!" I don't know if anyone else can feel me on this, but it's incredibly hard knowing that there are guys out there that want to be with me, yet I don't want to be with them. Do you understand what kind of uncomfortable situation that is?! I feel like a freakin heart-breaker! And that's definitely not a good feeling. It also scares me because these men of my past treat me with nothing but the utmost love and respect. What if I'm being stupid and my picky-ness is going to have me end up being alone with 5 cats!? I don't know ya'll. It's a very uneasy feeling.
I'm single because I haven't met anyone that has just...done it for me... you know? I mean I guess I just need certain things in a man in order for him to DO IT for me. So it's a little bit of a list but I don't think I'm a Sanaa Lathan. In terms of appearance, I've basically let go of the tall dark and handsome thing so as to not be so close-minded, but I'm a tall lady, so I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want a 5'11" and up man standing beside me. It's funny though because all the guys in my life except for one, have been my height, which means I always towered above them when I wore heels. In addition to the height thing, you HAVE to come with a sense of style. I'm big on my style. I love to dress, so he has to as well. He doesn't have to to dress like a GQ model, but he has to open-minded to branching out into other things besides a t-shirt. You know what? As a matter of fact, NO more white tees! If you're going to the gym or chillin in the house or wearing one with your sweatsuit, fine, but otherwise, please grow up! (Ooh goodness. Is this a list?!) The other important thing that he has to be is spiritual. I think that comes above everything else. If he's spiritual and he serves that same God I do, everything else will fall into place. How he treats me, how he maintains his household, how he feels about responsibility, how he shows his care, how he supports my dreams, etc... it will all be there. And humility will be there. I'm really big about humble men. I've met too many cocky big headed men in my life. I like a quiet man. A quiet, laid-back man, but one that commands attention. Hov comes to mind when I say that. And last but not least, I would like him to be financially stable - meaning have a good job. It would be a pleasant surprise if he was pursuing something in line with his goals and aspirations. But that's not a must. It's a wonderful bonus, but not a must. Just as long as he HAS goals and aspirations we're cool. I just pray that I meet someone who's in the same mindset and has similar values as I do. I just want to connect with someone. OOhhhh! And PLEASE LOVE MUSIC!!! If I can't lay down with you and experience the passion of a song or feel an old school joint with you, then I don't know what to say. Music is too big a part of my life for my mate not to get it.
So is that a list? Isn't that what everyone wants? I mean, it's not the IBM list is it? I once heard that what everyone has to decide is what they can live without because no person is perfect. No man can have EVERYTHING.
I just went back into an old journal that listed the top ten things that I want in a man. Here's the list that I wrote on April 22, 2005.
1. humility
2. charismatic/caring/affectionate
3. responsible
4. mature
5. intelligent
6. financially sound
7. humoured
8. reasonable
9. God-fearing
10. good looking/attractive/stylish/athletic
lol. My number 10 is funny but it's so true. Now what could I live without? Hmm... I can let go of 'intelligent'. I mean he doesn't have to have an Ivy League education, but he has to be able to speak AND write. As a matter of fact, a man that can write turns me on. =/ I don't know what else I can let go! Well I assume that if I'm talking to him in the first place that he's mature, humorous, and intelligent. I don't know how I could carry on a conversation with him if he wasn't. My list isn't a good one. Some of those things should already be understood. I need to bump some of that stuff off. I'm honestly not trying to just make room for new ones and make this a little easier for myself. I'm just saying, some of that stuff should be obvious! lol. Ok. Here's my new list.
1. God-fearing
2. ambitious
3. attractive/stylish
4. humble
5. loving
6. responsible
7. a communicator and a thinker
8. a music/arts lover
9. open-minded
That's better right?
Boy, I feel like I'm digging my own grave. Hopefully my mom wasn't right. At the end of the day though, I just want to be in love with someone that I have an amazing connection to. I want to have a true friendship with this man. I want to be best friends. I want it to be unlike anything that anyone else could understand. I kinda want it to be our little secret. You know what I mean?
I just have to get out of CA. LA men are just not my style! No offense to all the LA men who are reading this. He he!
Feedback please!
10 comments:
Well, you know where I stand as far as this goes. When you feel it, you feel it. It's like anything else. You can feel God working in your life each day, you can feel when a person really has your best interest in mind, you can feel when you really love someone. I think the hardest thing to do is just put yourself out there to be made a fool of or take advantage of one of God's greatest and THE original gift, love.
As far as the list goes, it's a great framework. I'm on the tip now that if and when I find her, she could be hospitalized for life or as tall as Shaq. What matters most is the connection.
She could be hospitalized for life or as tall as Shaq!!? Wow! See right now I don't think I could do that, but at the same time if I met someone that was "out of the box" for me, so to speak, and we had an amazing connection and the spirituality part was there, I could get over the outside appearances. So I guess I feel you. It's just hard to completely let go of that. =/ I hope I'm not being superficial.
You're not being superficial, you're being human. We all know what we like...that's just the way it is. I love curly hair. You chocolate men. But I've dated people with straight hair, and I think you've mentioned a 'nilla pudding looking dude or two before. What it all boils down to is the connection. Even more simply put...I love exotic sports cars and bikes. If I had a choice, that's what I'd be driving/riding in right now. But I don't have either, and I am totally content with my car.
You know what I don't even have a list...that is something I need to seriously think about
well maybe not T. maybe it's best to not think about it. i feel like it would be easier if i didn't have a list.
Ok just went back and read the whole thing...maybe that's why I don't have a list because I want that ultimate connection, can an ultimate connection, "our little secret" come from a list...
Like you said certain things should just be understood...a given, God-fearing AND serving, intelligent, ambitous, funny, loving/caring/understanding/affectionate
respectful/honest...
Yes I am into style, I hope he is too...but we can go shopping together...so I guess being open to new things...
I love music, all kinds so yes, I would want that too...but these are things that you can determine within the first conversation...
Ok, so now I see why I don't need a list...because as long as the "givens" are there, then if you are shorter or taller it won't matter because I'll love you no matter what...and vice versa...
I agree with bmw...its the connection that matters most...but we all need to have a starting point a framework...just like with your own personal goals...but just like with goals and life plans with love we must be ready to adjust as things come our way...
Ok. I'm with you there. As long as the givens are there, mostly everything else can be trivial.
So are we saying that "the givens" is not a list? Because what one lady's givens are might be completely different from another woman's givens.
Adjust as things come our way... definitely a true statement. You'd miss out on so much of life if you were close-minded and stuck in your own way.
I'm glad you made that second list, homie, 'cause I was about to get on you about that stylish thing! Of course, me being me, my opinion on this may seem biased, but still listen to what I'm saying as a general rule. Be careful not to let appearances and surface things blind you from or for a man.
You could be running from the one the Almighty has for you and right into the hands of the one the advesary does. Feel me? Not to mention, it is possible to fall for someone who you don't have a physical attraction to. I've done it. I know of other people who've done it. Time tells, and the looks are going to go away eventually.
I feel you on the fitness thing though. That's health!
Peace,
Kep.
I feel you Kepa, but attraction is the first thing that grabs me about a man. I understand that I may be able to get to know someone and then slowly become attracted to them, but that's not ideal for me. I'm interested in that attraction. But as you said, I'm not going to let that close me off to possibilities. I am determined not to be blind because I understand where that could lead me.
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