Difficult

My heart is beating out of my chest. I'm continually nervous. I feel like I can't breathe. The pain of stress is piercing my lower back.

I guess that's what happens when you're coming off an extremely difficult couple of days and have a few difficult work days ahead. I hope these symptoms go away soon. I want my happiness back.

i Need a Bathtub

I just came back from my convention. I really haven't had time to process the usual post-convention action item list. I'm kind of drained really.

I sat by myself a lot this year. Hubby was busy being an attendant. On the contrary to what I thought, I didn't mind it much. I'm not my naturally quiet self when I'm with hubby so it was nice to revert back to calm, quiet, pensive J. What tends to be dangerous about that though is being left to my own thoughts. I hate it when I get ta thinking. Thankfully I stayed 90% in tune to the program so the awakening thoughts were abruptly shoved to the side before they had time to fester. And that's why I need a moment to process. I feel like I have a ton of little seeds of thoughts to develop. I have feelings that I definitely feel, but am not sure what they are yet. If that makes any sense. Basically, I'm unsettled.

But that's okay. I'll iron it out. Or not. It probably would be best not to. Who knows what tunnel I'll burrow myself into if I do.

I'm exhausted as all... Listening to my 'Black Men' Pandora station with Jodeci-esque songs doesn't help. All I want right now is to be right there, in that tub. Music in the background, candles on the floor, bubbles up to the neck, warm water cradling me, shades drawn... Wouldn't matter if I had this joy in my bathroom anyway right now. The water would be red.

Sorry to destroy that image for you...

 

JenWill wrote a post. After a year of silence... We've been on separate coasts for 5 years now. Haven't talked that much save for a few email exchanges once or twice a year. But whenever I read her blog posts, I feel like I never left. It's good to "see" her.

Man, I'm so tired. And we're supposed to go see this Batman movie after work. I hope I don't fall asleep. I also need to find out who the Bachelorette chose. Ever since coming off birth control, my periods have been heavy and long. I miss being on it, but now that I escaped it without any medical issues (unlike my sister who ended up hospitalized - death to Nuva Ring!), I'm afraid to go back on. And nope. Still not settled over this baby stuff. *shrugs shoulders* Too tired to go into it.

What else is there to speak on? I guess the last thing on my mind concerns looking forward to the new system. With these Colorado shootings and pain in my lower back and fear of having kids in this crazy world and the infirmities of all the older friends I saw on the convention arena floor... I'm so tired of this mess. I'm almost in the mind frame to ask Jehovah to hurry up and get this Armageddon stuff going and over with. Destroy the wicked! Get rid of sickness and death! End fear of man doing terrible, stupid stuff! But if I did that, I might not be included on that righteous list. Of course I hope I am. I'm doing pretty okay but since there's always room for improvement in our worship to Jehovah, who really knows. I just want peace. I'm ready for my own beautifully designed home on a paradise earth with no greedy, insane, sick or lying people. I'm ready to see my passed grandfather again... I miss him.

Interior Design: Girl's Room

LOVE this child's room. How different is this?!!!

source: decorpad.com

Eight Reflections

1. baby making
2. practicing fruitage of the spirit when working with my manager
3. finishing the interior design of my main level
4. juggling what little money i seem to have
5. looking for inspiration (novels, art, photography, stories)
6. recharging spiritually via the convention
7. making summer memories
8. preparing for 3 fall weddings

Queen, Beautiful

Today, I feel beautiful.
It's not always that I feel like this.
But today is special.

It's an insecurity of mine.
Looks, appearance, beauty.
I don't see what others see.
Do others even see?

But today, with braids piled high.
I feel regal.
Royal.
In charge.
Eyes pulled up in the corners.


I'm not sure when I turned this way.
Looking in the mirror was pleasing.
The reflection agreed with me.
But I took it for granted and looked away.

I didn't recognize me when I turned back.
Features, curves, and bones.
Could it be age?
Am I past my prime?
Will it no longer be like it was?

But today I feel beautiful.
Braids piled high.
A queen in my own right.
Today I feel beautiful.

Thoughts on a Monday

I love that my family wants me to have children.

"Y'all better get started soon." - Dad
"I really want to be an aunt!" - Sis
"You better get these kids out while I'm still young and full of energy!" - Mom

I think it's cute. And no, I feel no pressure. It's simply cute.

So for laughs and giggles, the three of us (mom, sis and I) googled preschools and the like and came up with all sorts of plans and schedules. My mother even called a school that we all agreed to like. "This may sound crazy but I'm an aspiring grandmother..." Yes, she did that. But get this! People sign up for the wait list even before they are pregnant! How insane is that?!

Let the insanity begin.



I love to write. I think you all know that. Lately I've been writing more in my journal than on the blog. I hope to even it out a bit. I saw something on another website about a 'writer's contract'. Perhaps I'll sign it. I definitely want to get a bit more creative. Write prose and lyrics - the stuff I used to do before I got married.

-like-

I almost forgot to put panties on.
I almost forgot to cover up.
Exposed.
Unhidden from the lights that beam.
I did forget to put makeup on.
Flaws highlighted in the spotlight of the world.
In places where no one should see.
Nooks and crannies.

I'd rather be naked.
In every way.
An open book.
Blurting thoughts that should be kept quiet.
Secrets that really aren't secrets.

Instead, I write my soul down.
In private places.
In hopes that I'll lose it.
So someone can find it.

I almost forgot to throw the blunt away.
So no one would know.
Who I really am.
Hiding the eventualities of my personality.
I did forget to shut the door.
It's not like they could see me.
Others tell me differently.
Too exposed.
They call me 'inappropriate'.

I'd rather be naked.

-Fin-