How I'm Feeling

I like to give my feelings a day or two. But I still feel the same way I felt yesterday - like I need a breath of fresh air. Which leads me to Jill Scott...

You know she has the lyrics to express how I feel.

"i need to get closer to where i was meant to be...need to be"
"talk to me in my ear. tell me the things that i need to hear"
"i can't take all of this without loving"
"i'm tired of being strong all day."
"i can handle it but i need something right..."

- Le Boom Vent Suite

That's how I'm feeling.

Peace

I'm going through something. My soul feels empty. I don't know how to explain it. I just feel like I'm missing something.

I would like to sit in a Paris-like garden and learn how to paint. Or maybe climb a mountain in West Virginia and breath in the air as I sit and take in the fall colors. Or go kayaking with my dad down a river in Alabama. I want to go on an adventure. I want to clear my thoughts and my heart. Because right now, I'm struggling and irritated. Everything around me seems so silly and sad.

I have a thought... This didn't occur to me until just now (which is why writing is so therapeutic and great for me). I love my house, but I hate my surroundings. I feel like I live in the middle of trash. As soon as I get off my exit, my commute home is littered with boarded up apartments, females with bonnets and ill-looking outfits on, and dirty looking niggas playing in the middle of the street. There's a darkness and a sadness surrounding Congress Heights. I see no hope. No majesty. No calm and peace. So my house is my haven. My cheery, bright, airy, promising haven. The good thing about this experience is that I've learned my lesson. Even though my street may be nice, I need to take into consideration what I need to drive through to get there.

Contrast. That's what I need. A contrast to what I see every day. My soul needs to feel hope. And I feel there's no better way to get that than to be among Jehovah's natural creation. To sit and feel, experience and breathe in what paradise might be like. I need to be swept up in peace.

Who knows when that'll happen.





I'm sure this feeling was helped by the fact that there was a fight brewing between MJ and I on Saturday. Neither of us knew what it was and didn't care to figure it out.

Us

Hubster and I are doing good. What I'm most proud of is how we work out our issues. The biggest threat to our marriage right now is regularity. After a few years, things tend to get mediocre. The passion, spark, romance, interest level, and whatever else you want to add, declines. It effects our conversation and our sex life. I was talking to my sister yesterday and she was so happy to report that she didn't stress out when she called her husband who was out of town and he said he couldn't talk. "Ok bye!" is not a normal reaction for her. I'm glad she's at that state... for her own sanity. But as I look at my relationship, I'm looking for that you-hang-up-first-no-you-hang-up-first feeling. Alas, this is the real world and I'm fully aware that after being together for 4 years, that stuff is not going to happen very often. And I'm accepting of that. What I'm NOT accepting of is mechanical sex. That whole Step 1 go here, Step 2 go there... Naaaaah. I need the you-hang-up-first-no-you-hang-up-first feeling on this topic, otherwise I can't OPEN up. Sorry if this is TMI, but this is real and it's the type of stuff that I'm sure every married couple or every long-lasting couple encounters. But we talked, and we're game. For a woman, good sex starts with good conversation, good vibes, good energy. So in addition to working on the sex, we're working on the conversation, the connection, the emotion that involves wanting to be near each other...

Cry

Every time I stop, I feel the stress in my head as if I've been crying all day.

I did cry today though.

I cried as Iyanla Vanzant uncoded and revealed the depths of this woman's relationship with men and most importantly her parents. It was intense. I cried because of the pain. The pain that an absentee father or a hard un-loving mother causes their child. The paint that that child is infected with, which changes their lives for the worse. The lack of communication, the infidelity, the cursing, the lying, the lack of sympathy, the misunderstandings...

I can't stand it when parents put stuff on their children. Their crap. I just can't stand it. I know to some extent, it's not their fault. Their parents did it to them too. So they know no better. The cycle continues. But to a certain extent, you have to fix yourself, regardless of what your parents did or didn't do. You have to stop the cycle. "Do the work" as Iyanla says. It's imperative. Or else, you promote and pass on the pain.

Iyanla said something that I think a lot of woman don't pay attention to or recognize. She said "your womanly majesty....". How many girls and woman do we see everyday who do not recognize their 'womanly majesty'? The ones who stay in destructive relationships, the ones who commit to showing their bodies to the world, the little girls in all of these weaves and mini skirt getups. "Your womanly majesty." That really struck me as profound.

Just reflecting...

Showered With Love

I had the honor of photographing my good friend Tiffany's "Brunch At Tiffany's" vintage inspired bridal shower. I'm glad I was able to capture moments of a very special day. Here are a few of the shots I'm gifting the bride. Enjoy!

Congratulations Tiff!

Help!

This is the longest day ever. I'm in anguish! Please someone save me from this cubicle!

Good

This past weekend was especially long. It was only 2 days. But especially long. I am so proud of my husband and myself. We came up against a potentially nasty fight Friday night, but I am happy to say that there was no yelling, no fighting, no hitting below the belt and no name calling. I used restraint, he was empathetic. He listened, I listened. I chose my words carefully and so did he. It was quite amazing. I feel like we could have given a master class on how to handle/diffuse a bad situation between husband and wife. I am glad that I married that man. We work well together. Saturday, was Tiff's day. Her bridal shower was absolutely amazing. And she was so gorgeous. The vintage-inspired dress she wore... her hair... her makeup. It was all so perfect. It was a tiring event though being as though I did the photography, but it was worth it. The more and more I shoot, the more I learn that indoor shooting is impossible. Not having natural light can seriously break you. (Photography Lesson 1 - the less light you have, the longer you want your lens to stay open before it snaps the picture. The longer the lens stays open, the more light you let pour in. The problem with that is most often than not, your subject is moving, which causes uber blurry pictures. So in low light situations, it's hard to get super crisp/clear shots.) I literally have to snap 500 pics just to get 100 that are usable. Sunday, hubby took me to a baseball game. I was cheesing from ear to ear. It felt so good to be out during the daytime, doing something easy. Our weekend days are usually errand or event prone. And if we have no such events or errands, hubby is usually sleeping. I like the sun. I need to see the sun. I need to be among people who are indebted to the sun. There's nothing like an easy Sunday in a ball park eating funnel cake and half smokes. Baseball is such a white sport. It's so 'American'. lol. This weekend was good.

Things That I Love - Repost

Tiff and I were talking about Rachel Roy... One of the few woman I am totally obsessed with. Remembering that I've posted about her before, I searched my blog for her and wa-la. Behold, "Things I Love". This list hasn't changed at all.


city skylines
Rachel Roy's style
natural color palettes (burgundy, red, orange, cream, bronze, gold)
So You Think You Can Dance
discovering alternative music
spring or summer thunderstorms
VH1 Soul
my diamond stud earrings
thick long towels
trench coats and other fresh outerwear
having my spiritual connection in tact
"Gilmore Girls"
Mrs. Smith's apple pie and vanilla ice cream in a cup
romantic comedies
east coast character
simple classic wardrobe pieces
the idea of France, Italy and London (since I've never been)
being toasty and warm
white orchids and calla lilies
Alexis Phifer's clean look
short hair
flamenco and other Spanish dance styles
fall and summer
going to new places
journals
school (for free)
leather bags
pinot grigio wine
city life
Victorias Secret
"The Best Man"
special moments with mom, dad and sis
warm sweaters
oversized off the shoulder sweaters
men with passion
things that give me goosebumps
glasses (sun and prescription)
walking the runway
NFL
"Girlfriends"
my faux birthstone & diamond 3-stoned ring
black and white photography
surprises
the numbers 4, 7 and 14
clean fresh air
being up high
live music
writing stories, lyrics and personal thoughts
photo albums
old songs I haven't heard in a while
clothing that speaks effortless, elegant and classy sophistication
high-thread count sheets
big kitchens
engrossing books
being able to pay all my bills
learning who I am
eventful personal time
fun, spontaneous adventures in nature
riding over the bridge into Harlem
finding inspiration
purple
candles and incense
stepping into the house I grew up in after a long time away
taking walks
music that affects the soul
mood lighting
being prepared

Fall Fashion - Olivia Style

While I have no money to do so, I've been thinking about going on a fall shopping spree. It's been a while since I've gone fall shopping and I desperately love the season's fashions. I wanted to try and focus on a specific part of the wardrobe but I need everything. Boots, pants, dresses, tops, coats. I need it all. As is the case for everyone, as the years progress my style continues to change. I'm still the classic, tailored dresser and not at all the trendy, fashionable rocker type, but my ideas have gotten even more anal towards the pieces I buy. I need pieces that aren't based solely off emotion. I need pieces that look expensive and will be with me forever. (Man I wish I would have listened to my mom way back when!)

So to narrow my spree down, I'm going to look to my fashion and style icon, Olivia Palermo. Here's what I'm looking for.

Leather - skirts and pants

Printed Pants/Jeans

Pants in general - This chick wears the mess out of some pants.

Statement dresses with Cover-Ups

I think that's narrowed down enough. Fall shopping here we go!!!!!