Burden

It's times like this that I miss California. If I were back on the west coast, my day would go something like this.

Go to work in semi warm weather, come home for lunch for a 30 minute nap, go back to work for a few more hours, get off at 4. I'd go home, change my clothes and grab either a blanket or a beach towel. Depending on the intensity of sun, I'd choose a peaceful afternoon in the park by my house with a book and my headphones or an afternoon of tanning at the beach 10 minutes from my studio.

What I'm feigning for right now is that beach scene. The sounds of the beach and the ocean, the chance to rest and think. The smell of saltwater. The glistening of the sun on the blue abyss.

I don't know what is happening in my life right now, but I am insanely, tear jerkingly exhausted. Really, I could cry. But it might not be that bad if all I was was tired. My schedule is a struggle. You ever seen a machine in a factory that just goes up and down over and over again and pounds repeatedly on the object below it? And it never stops? The stress it exerts on the item below it never weakens? The force and mass of weight it carries is enormous? That's how my schedule is. It never lessens. The pounding doesn't quiet down. The weight never decreases.

There's always a burden on me. I'm always concerned about him. My thoughts are always pushing me to keep going for him. What is he going to eat? If I don't meal plan and think grocery shopping through, he's going to eat junk and be unhealthy. Did I do enough laundry for him? If he sees me sitting/watching tv/trying to take a moment, is he feeling some kind of way about what I'm NOT doing and what hasn't been done. I hate to say this as well, but I'm always concerned about HIM as well. Any moment of free time I have at work needs to be for studying. At 6pm everyday, I need to stop and read the Bible. Bible studies need to be prepared for. Bible studies need to be had.

I have absolutely no time for me. Got a stack of magazine I would like to browse. Can't. Got chipped polish on my nails I need to change. Can't. Want to catch up on shows without feeling guilty. Can't. Need a quiet minute without worrying about what my dog is chewing on. Nope. Would like to organize my closet. Sorry. I'm interested in going to see a foreign film. Too tired. The art that's sitting on my bench needs to go up. Can't organize my thoughts to get the wall painted first. Want to beadboard my powder room. Nope - money for bridesmaid duties come first. Want to take my dog to a dog park to be with other dogs. No energy. Want to write in my journal. No time.

As much as I love my husband and my dog, I need time away. I wish I could be single for two weeks so I can find me again. My feet are not under me. They are way behind me, two blocks behind me. My mind is constantly racing thinking about all the things that need to be done. I have to stay on top of everything. Even right now, the list in my head is long.

I need to call my mom.