Manage

I feel like there's a tornado swirling somewhere close to me. Close enough that all the wind, rain, dust and debris is affecting my visibility. I'm even getting hit my some of it. I have cuts and bruises, scrapes and some lashes. It's rough out here.

You know how you know you should pray, but you don't even know what to pray for. That's my current situation. I wonder if it's normal for someone to deal with so much stuff at work and still be strong.

My job situation is heavy in so many ways. Not only is the work heavy but the politics are so muddy that I feel like I'm standing in quick sand. I don't understand what's going on. My family members and friends tell me what's going on. I know factually what's going on. But even though I hear everyone and agree, I still can't see past the quick sand. My co-worker gets a promotion and she's excited. Boss asked me if I wanted a promotion and I'm torn. I have a conflict that other people don't have. I have to think with two sides of my brain. The one everyone in this office thinks with and the one that no one in this office has - a spiritual mindset. I know it's not fair to say because I don't know everyone else's life, but my life is so much more complex than theirs! I just know it! Bump not being fair. Their life issues are temporary. They affect the here and now which won't be around too much longer. My issues affect the here and now and forever!

So with my work situation feeding into my spiritual situation, I naturally start thinking, 'why am I doing this? why spend my time dealing with politics and toil when we're so close to the end? there's something else so important, that i could be doing with my time!' Pioneering, auxiliary pioneering, part-time work, quitting altogether, immersing myself in life-saving work, moving to a place where the need is greater, sharing spiritual goals with my life partner...

And then there's that. Sharing spiritual goals with my life partner or not. My life partner loves his job, he loves living where we live, he doesn't have the circumstances to pioneer. So do I do this alone? Does that mean I can never serve where the need is great? Should I just stay still and push through the politics and toil? Should I do what I don't want to do?

I'm so overwhelmed with this life I have. I'm standing at a fork in the road. Such a pivotal place in life. So close to the end. I want to make the right decision. I don't want to stand in quick sand. I don't want to do this secular type work anymore. I want to be free of corporate America and do what I've been commanded to do by the superior authority. How do I go with what my gut is telling me and not be selfish in my marriage? I feel like I'm losing air and I'm trying to survive. I'm an all or nothing type and I can't apologize for that. I can't be forced into thinking that there's fault in an all or nothing personality. I like to jump in with both feet and take challenges head on. That's just who I am.

So while I have one foot stuck in concrete and the other out the door, how do I manage?

I keep giving these Bible studies as if I have it all together. I need someone. I need a support. I need someone to give me what I give to others. A spiritual mom. I need someone.

Hell Yeah

don't it seem like every time you try and progress
something's always holding you back
waiting on line for my piece of the pie
but there's none left

my people just tryna get by
but the devil all in the way

we just tryna live right
but the devil all in the way

they say we're living in hell here
hell yeah

when will all this senseless violence end
when will it be safe for people to live again
tax the poor almost half to death while the rich live lavish
we're just dying to live

my people just tryna get by
but the devil all in the way

we just tryna live right
but the devil all in the way

they say we're living in hell here
hell yeah

I know a place where ain't nobody crying
I'll take you there
I know a place where ain't nobody dying
I'll take you there

- Stacy Barthe

This song is so real to me. The Devil is surely all in the way. But Jehovah is testing my spiritual fitness and using the one closest to me to do it. I couldn't be more in need of a place and time where there are no more tears and pain. I just need to hold on while walking in this selfish, cruel, disgusting world. I hate the influence it has on my family. Jehovah wants me to win and has confidence in me, so I will pray for Him to help me hold on.

My Truth

I know something about myself. If my job is stressful, my whole life is stressful. When my job is overwhelming, my life is overwhelming. When things are tough on the job, I can't think and there is no peace. It plays that much of a role in my life. My job affects me in a manner far more than I wish it to. That's just the way it works for me. And it's understandable being that I spend more time at work than at home. The majority of my days alive are spent on the job... When I think about that last sentence I just typed, I feel disgusted because this was not the way our lives were intended to be. Our only 'job' is supposed to be living in Jehovah's wonderful creation, subjecting creatures of the land to ourselves, and procreating. That's it.

But since imperfection prevails and our original purpose has been thwarted by sin, I need to figure out what to do. What truly makes me happy has nothing to do with work. Going to the theatre, listening to music, being outside in the sun, writing while laying in the grass, capturing beauty with a camera lens, exploring new destinations, learning about new ways of thinking, making things look lovely... That what makes me happy. How to translate that into a job that doesn't stress me out, that allows flexibility, allows me to experience something new everyday, and that provides me with enough income seems impossible. The idea of looking for another job that fits me...Ugh. Stressful. I truly believe it doesn't exist. I've had this same conversation with myself for 10 years now. I've had this same battle for TEN whole years. A DECADE. And as a result, I've bounced around from job to job in pursuit of something that I can't find.

I think I'm a flower child at heart but a corporate woman by mind. What I want most out of life is peace. I love beauty and breezes. I am attracted to the sun and happy faces. But what I've been engineered to do is manage projects, run meetings and administer systems. What really sucks about the whole thing is how well I play the corporate woman role. I play it so well in fact that managers and executives see it and push me harder until I get deeper and deeper into the web. It would all be so much easier if I sucked at my job.

I'm afraid of not having enough money. As frivolous and material as that sounds... That's why I'm afraid to pursue anything drastically different than what I'm doing right now. That's why I'm afraid to pursue what makes me happy. I've been tight with money and it is not the business. I haven't had those kinds of money issues in a while and I will admit that I'm extremely spoiled. I don't want to struggle financially. If I want a $300 dress for the assembly, then that's what I want. I'm entitled to that. ESPECIALLY after how hard I work. If I work a job that I enjoy, I find it hard to believe I'll even have $300 to buy a dress.

Some say that it's possible, but I don't believe them. I'll have to start out at the bottom all over again.

My current job is for someone who wants to climb the corporate ladder. It's for someone who wants to be seen. It's for someone who wants to be in the corporate "in" crowd. It's for someone whose life is their job.

I don't believe I should take the promotion. Yep. That's where this is leading me to. I think I'm finally coming into some clarity.

Finally.

Update: My mom read my blog and reminded me of this quote from the movie After Earth with Will Smith. “Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.” Now... how to actually incorporate this into my truth...Gotta mull that one over.

Therapist

I feel like I'm losing control of my life. The stress and weight of everything is unsurmountable.

My job is... sigh. It's so heavy I have trouble putting it into words. Overwhelming, stressful, taken advantage of, catch 22, in between a rock and a hard place, political, b.s., they-think-I'm-stupid. That's what comes to mind. Have you ever heard of a manager who says that he wants to give someone a promotion and then tells them to go and design it all under the guise of 'needing help'? I feel like I'm being carried. I need to talk to Ms. Cheryl. Because I don't know what to do.

How do I keep all of this in line and checked against my spiritual obligations? That's not something Ms. Cheryl can help me with.

Financially, I'm overwhelmed.

Marriage wise, I'm just... It's just not a good time for any hiccups there. I don't have the energy. I can't take another stress load.

I'm going to crack soon. I need to talk to a therapist. There is too much on my back.