Life Update

What's going on with me?

I have weathered the darkest moments of my life and am now on an incredible upswing that I pray lasts as long as it can. When my fiance was falling in love with me back in the beginnings of our courtship, I was keeping him at an arms distance. Of course, something gave (or more like broke and shattered into a million tiny pieces) and he closed up his heart. On this second time around, after much pain and communication, we're both wide open, vulnerable and ready. We've grown and will not make another obvious, blatant and stupid mistake. I love him and he loves me.

I am so grateful for my experience with TWP. I am also grateful to be unemployed. I do need to find work, but I'm enjoying this time off. Last week was a good week as I spent a lot of time out in field service and reflecting on how I can be a better me. Today has been an absolutely amazing and peaceful yet productive day. I've applied for a couple of government agency jobs, stuffed my face with food, watched a few movies and written two blogs all from the comfort of my bed. What makes it so nice is that it rained today. My window is cracked open and the rain and birds are making the sweetest melodies. Being unemployed (for now) isn't so bad. I needed this.

What about the wedding? It's happening. I don't know when, but it's happening. MJ and I are having our Bible study tonight about the wedding. Are you familiar with the scripture at Luke 14:28 about calculating the costs it takes to do something? Well that's what we'll be embarking on this evening. I want to be in a secure place when we get married (read have a job), but we also can't really stand to be away from each other for much longer. So we'll see what happens this evening. We'll take it as it comes.

I'm worried about my sis. She's obviously choosing the things of the world right now instead of focusing on an ever-lasting happiness, but she has to do what she has to do. Everyone has to do their own thing. I'll just keep her in my prayers.

I'm really looking forward to the c.o.'s visit and the subsequent convention. I love heightened spiritual activities. They keep me going. My focus has been great lately though. I've gotten really serious about my relationship with Jehovah and I feel it paying off. I have a wonderful sense of peace that I haven't felt in a while. I think it's why I'm not freaking out about a job. I am so calm that it seems dangerous. But I'm really feeling this spiritual maturity that I might be gaining. I don't want to be overconfident though, so I'm taking it one step at a time.

And that's life in a nutshell!

10 Things

JennWill did a good job on hers, so here we go. Ten things I hate about myself...

1. I hate that I do not follow through on my passions. My writing, my dance, my photography, my creative juices... What are they all for? I'm seriously waisting all of them. I don't know why I can't get it together and do something about my loves.

2. I hate that I have to wait for inspiration. Don't get me wrong, I love being inspired, but if I'm not touched in some way, I don't initiate anything. Some people can create their own fires, but not I. Someone or something always has to create it within me first to get me going.

3. I hate that I lost my curves and I fear that I'll never be able to get them back. I used to have a butt for daaaaays. Back in my college days, my rear end used to be off the hook. It used to sit so high, it was amazing. Now, at the tender age of 27, I'd be lucky if anyone can find it. The recent stress attack I had totally killed any chances of having a curvacious body once again. They tell me to simply stuff myself with pasta, bread, shakes and desserts, but I'm afraid that it won't come back the same way. It'll probably miss my butt, head straight to my thighs and stay there.

4. I hate that it takes me so long to get it together. I've learned so much within the last past year. Moving home to dating to my job experience... All the things that I messed up on are all the things I could easily point out to someone else. I mean, they used to call me Mama Jen for goodness sakes. I thought I could navigate my own life without coming across major catastrophes but nope. I have to learn the hard way. For someone so smart, sometimes I can be so dumb.

5. I hate that I'm not fearless. I think that's the reason behind number 1. I'm so calculated and cautious that it holds me back.

6. I hate how in love I can get. Right now, I'm working on the word 'balance'. I have to remember not to forget about the two J's. j.a.c. and Jehovah.

7. I hate that I don't have a close girlfriend within my religion here in DC. JennWill was a comfort for me. Two girls, loving life and yet working to refrain from the things Jehovah hates. We were doing it together.

8. I hate that I can't/don't wear short dresses. I wish I could buy them on the regular, but where am I going in these fabulous dresses? First of all, I live in the house of an elder and secondly, my fiance would probably want me with him in these short dresses, but we can't go anywhere together. I miss feeling and looking sexy. I feel extremely mature and motherly now-a-days.

9. I hate that the days won't go by quicker. I want to get married.

10. And on a totally superficial note, I hate that my nails keep chipping!!! I got a manicure on Thursday and they already look a hot mess! Why even bother with manicures? They never last.

Feeling Good Feeling Great

Got Common in the ear.
"And they say Chi City"
La la la la laaaaa
Wow. This is the first time I've had a real minute to blog at work in...
I don't know how long.
My time here is FINALLY winding down.
Thank Jehovah!
They're going to miss me when I'm gone.
Ha ha!
I have no idea what's going happen when I leave here
But Jehovah's got my back
No worries until I start worrying. =)
Ironically, I studied about how not to worry this morning.
Life is going to be good nonetheless folks
I believe that
I have control over this
That's got to be my new theme song
CONTROL!
Yeah Janet!
I've been pretty fragile
But umm...
That's not me.
At least it wasn't previously
So yeah.
CONTROL!
"I walked in the crib, got two kids, and my baby mama late
Uh Oh, Uh Oh, Uh Oh"
This Common record is great
Be
This music is great
Can you believe that I finished the last planner that I will ever have to do in my life
Can you see me smiling?
If not, the grin goes from ear to ear son.
Lol.
Why do some of these phrases have periods and others don't?
I'm just happy
Happy to be alive
Writing
Ending this job
Listening to Common
Can't wait to get home and chill
I did some personal study this morning so I may or may not do more tonight
We'll see how I feel
Wow, I haven't checked American Idol in two weeks
I need to catch up
Anyway, feel good feeling great!

Piano Song

Every little thing I do I do for you

With every little thing I think I thought of you

I try so hard not to notice

I try so hard not to care

I try so hard not to know that you're not here

Well I'm counting down the hours

And I'm counting up the days

I try so hard not to show this side of me.

- Meiko

Getting My Swag Back

It's been quite a while.
I've been on my grind making things happen in life.
Getting this job thing sorted out.
Working on my relationships, mainly with God and my fiance.
I'm focusing on my health by visiting a couple of doctors.
Gotta get my weight back up and my stress levels down.
Weekly exercise is back on the schedule.
My association with some of the young friends is picking up.
And what's best is that spring is in the air!
So I'm definitely feeling the groove now.
I can just feel my swag coming back.
I have a lot to look forward to so I'm going to continue on this grind.
Make sure I stay on the right track and do the right thing.
With that as a goal, I'm sure I'll be blessed.