Monday, June 15, 2009

Mood: Melancholy

My mind's been going a thousand miles a minute. Planning, daydreaming, considering, worrying, intellectualizing (is that a word?), etc. This morning I prayed for a quiet spirit. I prayed for peace. As I've said before, if I could change my middle name, it would be to Peace. It's such an important concept. Vital for my life. I had a fantastic weekend, however. Can't really complain when you spend most of it contemplating the things of Jah. My heart was so full yesterday as I connected with some amazing women, one in particular who continues to keep me in awe.

When I came home last night, I took a few minutes to dance ballet in front of the mirror in the basement. I'm working on strengthening my legs. During those few minutes that I spent doing basic port de bras, tendus, and turns, I was in a different world. I felt so light and airy it was weird. I felt free. I miss dance with all of my heart. Watching SYTYCD inevitably reignites whatever fire burns inside of me for the art form. I promised my other sister that we would take a challenging class on Wednesdays. That creates somewhat of a problem with my job however. On my to do list today is to speak with my director about the lack of balance this job affords me. I pray I can conjure up the nerve and clarity to say everything I'm feeling before I leave her office. I really need her to understand. I don't live to work. I work to live. I want to work to afford time to dance. I want to work so that I can afford to breathe.

I am a complete fool when I'm watching SYTYCD. I promise you that my heart stops beating every time. In addition to all the jumping up and down and screaming I do, the chills spread through me like a tidal wave. It's the best feeling in the world. That show makes me feel so exhilarated.

Be careful what you ask for, they say. Today's my light day of the month. I wish it were heavy instead.

My mom is asking sooo many questions. It's becoming increasingly difficult to respond to her. I had to tell her that I didn't want to talk about a certain topic yesterday. Once she gets something into her head that she's all gung ho for, she pushes its potential joys on others full force. "Wouldn't it be so great J!" Deep breath. She doesn't really know what she's doing, nor will I tell her. But the weight is heavy. The weight is really really heavy. I wish she would catch a hint because I'm hurting inside. I just got this overwhelming feeling to cry. But I won't. I wonder what it would be like if I didn't walk down the path I did. I've been listening to one of my old CDs from Cali times and Kumasi says it the best. "God don't make yesterdays, only tomorrows." Moving on.

I'm sitting here with so much to say but nothing to say at all. What I wish I could do is take a day off and lay in the grass somewhere and stare at the clouds. Or take it to the beach. I miss the beach. Either way, to lay there and let the breeze sweep me would be perfect. I'm huge fans of air and breezes. During family worship a while back, the four of us went around and shared what part of Jehovah's creation we're most enthralled with. My dad said the birds, my sis said whatever is beautiful like the foliage in our neighborhood. I said that I respect the air, the sky and the breeze. I guess that's why I like the beach so much. You get all sorts of air and breezes there. You know what else?! Air and breezes are synonymous to peace!

I feel like I'm almost there. All of the prayers that I've been offering are right outside of my grasp. I can taste the success. I can feel the blessings coming. I wonder though if I'll ever stop wanting something so badly. Will there ever come a time when I have everything I've ever wanted or will there be something else to pleadingly petition Him for? Hmmm....

Yeah so... melancholy.

3 comments:

B-More BAP said...

I feel you today lady. Peace IS so necessary...we need it. I've kind of been feeling like you - out of place. And my mother has been pressing me beyond measure as well. Lord! I need a break and a J-O-B! ...But 4get me, back to you :) I'm praying your steps Sis! God has great things, because you walk in his will. He never leads us astray, just to a secret place that we may not initially understand. LOL!

..Keep me posted. Muah!

Anonymous said...

I feel you on your revival of dancing. I've missed the "warrior's dance" just as much. With the year being as busy as it's been, and me wanting to get back to DC partly to get back in my old Kung Fu school, I've been itching to put on the uniform and fly again. With the warm weather hitting that itch is turning into an all out burn!

It's funny your family does the "what part of the Almight's creation enchants you the most" (or whatever you said, really tired right now, not even sure why I'm on here. Needed some adult interaction I guess.) I don't think I've ever asked myself the question in the words you've used, but I often think of what my favorite part of nature is: Water formations. I mean all of them. My favorite part of the cruise was watching a sunset on the sea. A-mazing. But yeah, snow, rain, thunderstorms, and especially clouds. I could sit and watch the Almighty showing off all day.

Peace,
Kep.

MysTery said...

I love that show too! I REALLY need to pray for a peaceful spirit. Thanks for sharing that.

I have been stressed and need a vacation. That's why I am taking one next month. Take your day and enjoy nature girl.

God bless.

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