Of him.

Sometimes I don't think he sees me the way I see him. I can stare at him for hours. I can watch his hand as it touches the handle of a pot. I can watch his back muscle flex as he reaches up high to adjust the shower head. I can watch his toes grip his flip flops as he walks around the house. Shoot. I can watch stubble grow on his face. I never get tired of watching him. I notice everything. His veins, his fingernails. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm appreciative. Of him.

Unemployed Thoughts

I'm refreshed. I wasn't at first. The news hit me hard and wounded my pride. But this is the first time I've not had a job and had no worries. No stress. When I was let go, I said that I felt like Jehovah wasn't protecting me. But actually, as Satan chopped me off at the knees, Jehovah spread out the net and caught me.

I think I'm going to get back into the art of meditation. My mind hates me, and I need a way to battle it. Meditation is the one answer I have. Silent time to clear my mind. I don't know why I can't get it to stop running. From one thought to the next, my mind zooms me into deep corners and dark crannies. My mind hates me, and I hate it. It's too powerful, but I want to learn to control it. I want to have power over my mind. It's of no use when it convinces me that my God doesn't love me.


Now that I'm unemployed (again), I want to do things on my time. I'm not sure if that's agreeable with my husband, but I don't want to feel an ounce of stress. I want to do what I want to do this time around. If I want to go out in the ministry, I'll go out. If I want to sit in the movies, I will. If I want to go hard and sweat it out in the gym, I will. If I want to push myself into exhaustion while applying for jobs, I will. But I want to do it all on my time. Sometimes I wish people (or rather, my family) were just as proud of me for taking a day off as they are when I go out into the ministry, apply for jobs and cook dinner. Why does everyone want everyone to work all of the time? I guess if they're doing it, they want you to do it too.


I'm discovering the sounds of Bossa Nova. And I love it. There's so much music all around the world and I'm over here in America stuck listening to Trey Songs. That's a catastrophe. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't have my appreciation for diverse music. But I don't want to walk around with headphones on all the time so sometimes I have to force myself to put me first. When it comes to him, that's not natural. I remember growing up in a household full of diverse music. Jazz, African, World, International... I loved when my dad put on Deep Forest. Our house turned into a distant, aboriginal rain forest. There are so many sounds to explore. Diverse music feeds creativity.

Fin.

Torment

I've been having a really hard time in life lately. There are so many issues that I could speak on (but thank God none of them have to do with my marriage), but what they all merge to is the fact that I'm not being who I know I should be. Instead, I'm being angry. When I'm at work surrounded by general stupidity, I'm angry. When I'm at the hall and I'm getting yet another correction by way of the Watchtower or whatever else we're studying, I'm angry. When I think about my sister, I'm angry. And then when I'm angry, I just end up being mean. My co-workers come up to me, and I'm cold. They ask me to do something and I do it like they're bothering me. When I see my sis tonight, I already know that I'm going to sit there quietly to avoid saying or being disrespectful to her. Every fiber in my body is angry. Anytime that I read anything spiritual and see the 10,000 things that I am not, I feel like tossing it in the trash. But I don't. I just close it and put it away. Truth be told, that's no better.

So I don't feel like studying. I don't feel like chit chatting. I don't feel like laughing at your joke. I don't care about your office supplies or what you did over the weekend. Miss me with that.

I know this is not how I'm supposed to be. And that's what's killing me the most. It's tormenting me.

Somebody pray for me. I need relief quick.

Lessons Lessons Lessons

I've been hit over the head twice in one day in what I would call life-altering moments. As normal, my job ignited an anger in me that shouldn't have been lit. My boss was uncaring, unapproachable and rude when I tried to express the frustration that we feel when policies change from week to week. He made me feel small and stupid when I am anything but. I had a legitimate concern (what kind of company changes their policies to fit their feelings for the week) and he brushed me off. I can't explain the feeling that overcame me. My chest was filled with heat and I was ready to make him feel really dumb. But no sooner than when I started to formulate my response, I got a text message from my husband...

Ashanti said it in her song. "One day you're here and then you're gone." The sudden and unexpected death of my husband's friend straightened me out. As hearts were breaking and tears were pouring, nothing was more important than love and comfort at that moment. Out of all the deaths I've heard about over the past year, this one was the one that hit me the hardest. Not just because TJ was so close to my husband, but because I too had a brief but personal relationship with him. As he sat in my living room chair laughing and joking around, I would have never guessed that would be the last time I saw him.

So my two lessons? 1) There's no time for nonsense in this life. Life is too short for anger and contentions. Make it known how much you care for and love the people who are closest to you. Tomorrow they might not be here. While grief and mourning is very hard, the promise of the resurrection and paradise are more real to me than ever before. I am so so thankful that Jehovah has given us this relief. Without it, I would be a complete and utter mess. 2) Jesus was the best example of mildness. Under the worst of situations, Jesus maintained control at all times. He was wise and had an understanding of the injustices of this world as well as the goal and reward that laid before him. Fact: This job is unjust. So what will I do about it? The same thing Jesus would do. Be mild. "Behind the gentleness there is the strength of steel." That quote is so powerful. Yesterday I was weak. Today I will be strong. I will yield.

As TC said, 2011 will be the year of professional relief for me. I will not only find a job, but find one that works with my personality and desires. I have been and will continue to pray for the perfect match. I do not want another temporary job that I need to run away from. I need to focus on the more important things like my relationship with my husband and my family and friends. Nothing is more important that family and friends.

The Happenings

I want to close my eyes and breathe in and out for a while. Do some simple meditation. Calm my whole body down and stop my heart from racing. The funk-jazz station on 22tracks.com is doing me well. It's giving me a slither of peace.



Things are cool though. As cool as they can be when there's a demon roaming around trying hard to break me. Satan is real.

Time to turn on my mini heater under the desk. I haven't really been affected by the cold yet. I remember my days in NY standing at the bus stop while the cold hawk cut at my face. Thank goodness for my car. I'm so hot by the time I step outside that the cold air is a relief. By the time the novelty of the cool air fades, my car's heat has kicked in. Nope, haven't felt the frigidness of the season yet.

Man. I am drained. I cried this morning about feeling like I need too much personal work. Sometimes ready the daily scripture makes me feel low. There's always something to work on, something that I'm not doing enough of. It gets overwhelming at times. I'm supposed to look at them as helpful reminders though. Hmm...

I'm going to make my mom's hot wings tonight. I just emailed her about the recipe. I wonder if she does anything else other than adding loads of hot sauce. I've been doing well with cooking, especially since I'm on my period. Ooooh. That's why I cried. Totally forgot to connect that.

I'm about over this female. I keep trying to reach out. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she must be pretty busy, at the same time, it's time for me to move on. LC has been a sweetheart lately. LH joined our congregation and lives close by. We should have some future good times I'm sure. Mom is thinking about getting the girls together. I'm looking forward to being with the KW girls and TC and RH and 'em. Hopefully that'll come to fruition since my mom is leaving soon.

How do I feel about my parents leaving for Huntsville in less than 30 days? I'm not sure yet. I say that because while I know that my husband can never replace my parents, I'm wondering how less of a shock it will be because I have him. I'll definitely notice that I can't run to 2001 anymore. The only house that I've known of will be someone elses. That's strange. Good thing Huntsville is an hour and half away by plane. The issue is that I never plan when I'm going to see my parents. I just see them. Whenever I need to. Now I have to plan. Eww.

Last Sunday, I had a great time at SO's house. That was the best Sunday afternoon/evening gathering that I've ever been to. We played games, had grown folk discussions, ate, watched football, joked around. It was laid back and easy. I was most thankful for the discussion we had about marriage and kids. Only one couple there had children so we basically interviewed them on the joys of having kids....cuz we all know the disavantages. They really gave me some profound insight. From what your kids give you to home schooling to varying methods of parenting. I can't say that I've changed my mind about having kids, but I am less fearful. To know that there are options, methods and ways to do it so that you don't have to live in fear was freeing. To be honest, I wish this world would hurry up and end so that I can have kids in a perfect new world...if I make it. I want kids, just not like this.

I prayed today that my job applications that are out there will return with fruit. I'm tired of OCI. I need a job that suits my personality and my spirituality. Sitting next to the most cursing-est man in the office kills my peace. I've asked him to curtail, but I don't think he cares. Either that or it's so engrained in him that he doesn't even know the difference. I also don't want to be with a company that doesn't pay its bills or who gives me a paychek that bounces. I'm tired of waiting for my boss to pay the bill so that I can make a phone call. It's quite trifling. Trifling, ghetto, black people trying to get over and make a dollar. Nope. This is not me. I want a 9 to 5 where the people are nice and they do the work that they're supposed to do. Oh and that has a work-life balance culture. Can't forget that.

My sis called me for the first time since our blow out on Tuesday. I texted her the week before and it was tense as it surrounded her Bible study. She called to ask for ideas on venues for a going away party. Like I told my dad, Pooh and I do business well and that's about it. We're two very different people who don't really understand each other. Everyone is praying about our relationship so I know it'll get better. When is the question... I'm supposed to write something to her, but I don't even know what to say. What is there to say?

I watched a couple of dance videos today and got sad. I can only exercise in warm weather. Leaving gyms and studios with perspiration on my person in the winter is a no no for me. I guess I could do my NYCBallet DVD at home. That's what I'll do. I want my flexibility back. Mondays and Wednesdays...

Shopping...I want to but I can't. I'm trying to give a bit more. End of story.

Have a good day everyone.

The Best Love Moments

Do you know where the best love moments are? In perfume and diamond commercials! Especially French commercials. These things make me want to fall in love all over again. One of these makes me want to shed a tear. Guess which one.