Saturday, December 25, 2010

Unemployed Thoughts

I'm refreshed. I wasn't at first. The news hit me hard and wounded my pride. But this is the first time I've not had a job and had no worries. No stress. When I was let go, I said that I felt like Jehovah wasn't protecting me. But actually, as Satan chopped me off at the knees, Jehovah spread out the net and caught me.

I think I'm going to get back into the art of meditation. My mind hates me, and I need a way to battle it. Meditation is the one answer I have. Silent time to clear my mind. I don't know why I can't get it to stop running. From one thought to the next, my mind zooms me into deep corners and dark crannies. My mind hates me, and I hate it. It's too powerful, but I want to learn to control it. I want to have power over my mind. It's of no use when it convinces me that my God doesn't love me.

Now that I'm unemployed (again), I want to do things on my time. I'm not sure if that's agreeable with my husband, but I don't want to feel an ounce of stress. I want to do what I want to do this time around. If I want to go out in the ministry, I'll go out. If I want to sit in the movies, I will. If I want to go hard and sweat it out in the gym, I will. If I want to push myself into exhaustion while applying for jobs, I will. But I want to do it all on my time. Sometimes I wish people (or rather, my family) were just as proud of me for taking a day off as they are when I go out into the ministry, apply for jobs and cook dinner. Why does everyone want everyone to work all of the time? I guess if they're doing it, they want you to do it too.

I'm discovering the sounds of Bossa Nova. And I love it. There's so much music all around the world and I'm over here in America stuck listening to Trey Songs. That's a catastrophe. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't have my appreciation for diverse music. But I don't want to walk around with headphones on all the time so sometimes I have to force myself to put me first. When it comes to him, that's not natural. I remember growing up in a household full of diverse music. Jazz, African, World, International... I loved when my dad put on Deep Forest. Our house turned into a distant, aboriginal rain forest. There are so many sounds to explore. Diverse music feeds creativity.


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