Focus

Should anybody ask for me, tell them I’ll be right back in a real short time. It’s just that I lost my mind; gotta find it. But once I hop on my train of thought I get back in pronto to collect myself. There’s really nothing you can do to help. - Focus

Go to song when I'm unbalanced...

I Wonder How People See Me

When I see Beyonce, a feeling of admiration comes over me. Not because she's Beyonce. Forget the celebrity part of it. I'm talking about the everyday, personal stuff. The natural, human element of her that she's allowed us to see. Out of all the celebrities I can think of, her personality and regular-ness appeals to me the most. I've gone to her tumblr page on a number of occasions since it's been up and I always get this feeling of calm and peace. This regular down to earth feeling. And then I wonder...how does this girl with an extraordinary life keep it so regular and so together? Allow me to explain because those are two separate things. 1.) How is she not a total diva in her personal life considering the worldly power she has? and 2.) How does she maintain this friendly, upbeat, girl next door pleasantness about her while living in the midst of crazy schedules and paparazzi? I see so much when I look at everyday pictures of her. She's strong. There's no other way of putting it. And she knows who she is. Celebrity doesn't disrupt her. And she experiences and learns everything. Maybe it's because she has the opportunity to.

And so, I wonder how people see me. I wonder this even more so right now because I feel aBSolUtelY crazy inside. I don't know what's happening to me but my mood swings are on some extreme stuff. Well I do know what's happening to me. I'm off birth control after a 2+ year run and my hormones are different. I am 100% off balance and feel quite a bit unstable if I'm honest. But do I appear to be calm?

I want to soak up the inspiration I get from B. The sense of lightness and joy and love. The sense of friendliness and peace. I feel like I need a master class from her. How To Live Unphased And Still Be Present And Experience Love. Cause she definitely has the secret. I'm a fan of her PERSON, if that makes sense.

On a separate topic, I'm discovering an insecurity of mine... Being emotionally a mess probably has lent itself to this realization. It's funny because when my hormones are in check, I really don't have anything to say. Life is good. But when they're not in check, the floodgates break loose. Anyway, my insecurity...ugh. Never mind. I don't think I can type it. Anyone who reads this is going to think I'm insane. Let's just put it this way. I don't accept compliments very well on my looks. I'll leave it at that.

Changing subjects really quickly. I'm starving! What's for lunch?

Stuff

I got ready for work in silence this morning. No tv. No music. Maybe that's why I started crying in the car while driving to work. I didn't start off the day right. When you're pms-ing, you HAVE to start off the day right. Crying for no reason is a part of the game though.

I feel scatter brained. I should have my dress for cuzzo's wedding by now, but I can't seem to get to the checkout. I look. I find something. But I never get to the checkout. I don't even feel like looking for those dresses again. Maybe I'm just being non-committal.

Work is non-stop. Not that I'm complaining. I like my job. But some days I want a 'free' day. You know...those days when you can just chill, read an article on cnn, check the gossip blogs. That kind of stuff. At least I have my music. I'm relying on my oldies channel on Pandora to calm me today. Get my emotions under control.

Speaking of emotions, I don't know if it's all pms. Maybe it is. But while in CT with my family, I got really emotional over the lack of attention I feel like I get from my mother. Maybe it was because that weekend it was all about Pooh. And it had to be! I mean she has blood clots in her lungs for goodness sake! But I think it awakened something in me that I've felt for a long time. Being the quiet one isn't always a good thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the background. I tried to explain that I feel like my personality doesn't lend itself to getting the best from my family. My sister, on the other hand, is very demanding. We started talking about the differences in our weddings, the differences in our lives. The fact that I know exactly which colors my mother thinks are prettiest on Pooh, but haven't the slightest idea what colors she thinks look good on me. But as usual, my mother got very defensive and said that my issues are my own and that I need to own them. And while I agree with that, it's not what I needed to hear. I already felt vulnerable for expressing my feelings. I already felt like a little child screaming for attention... Now my dad has texted me that he loves me 2 times this week. There's no doubt that mom shared our conversation. I know my parents love me. I know they try to do their best where I'm concerned. I alss know that I don't demand very much even though I often want more. I want a wedding on the top of a skyscraper overlooking an evening sky, but I get the old firefighter house. Sometimes I just wish that mom knew me. And I know she does. But I wish she knew me and acted on her knowledge more. Maybe looked at me as not being as strong as she sees me. Sometimes I wish that I spoke up more and had an ounce of the personality traits that my sister has. But then I wouldn't be me. I know I know. Boy I sound pathetic. I'm not as strong and put together as many think I am. But once I get past this pms, I will be again! Never doubt that. I'm going to look back on this and laugh in a few days. "What were you thinking?!" I'm going to say. That's if I choose to look back.

Cue Tony Toni Tone: It's Our Anniversary...

My neck is killing me and this office is dead. Why even bother opening the office on Good Friday?

Anyway. Our anniversary is coming up. May 7th. Been thinking about how my cousins' (May 4th), my parents' (May 13th) and our anniversary will be all around the same time. So happy that my fam bam is getting married. It's going to be a fun weekend with all of my family in town. I'm really looking forward to that weekend. I got my dress. I didn't realize it's as body hugging as it is. I would send it back for another size but then the top might be too big. A loose wrap or light sweater it is. No time to be messing around and switching outfits.

Back to my anniversary. I managed to "sucker" (as he calls it) hubby into buying Beyonce tickets for us. Well for me. I canNOT wait. I have not seen her since The Beyonce Experience in 2008. Seeing as those she's one of my favorite performers, that's far too long. We had our honeymoon in Atlantic City too so it's the perfect choice. Atlantic City here we come! Next year, I don't expect to be able to go away or do too much for our anniversary. I want to plan for an out of the country trip in 2015. But that's neither here nor there. MJ requested that I purchase him a couple of new wedding bands being that he spent an inordinate amount of money on those tickets. Thank goodness tungsten rings are inexpensive. I wonder what else he's going to ask for though. I know he's not going to let me get away with spending what I spent.

Separate from the superficial and material stuff, I really am looking forward to celebrating two years of marriage with my man. It feels like we've been together forever one on hand, but on the other hand, it feels like we're just starting our lives together. I like that. I was thinking about my exes the other day and I was able to think with certainty that I married the man who was best for me. While he's not perfect, he's perfect for me. He makes me be a better woman in the most important ways which is something my exes didn't do for me. I had a whole bunch of fun and heartfelt times with them, but I looking back on it, I don't feel like they were looking out for my desires and needs. Well actually, my ex-fiance did me the greatest service by breaking up with me. It was because he was looking out for me that he did so. Not feeling like he could give me what I want or be what I needed, he ended our relationship. While I died inside in that moment (and for a good 6 months later), it was the greatest gift he could have ever given me. So yeah, hubby is right for me in all the areas that matter the most. Sure there are areas that could be better, but that's what happens with imperfect people. The great part is that both of us are fighters. Fighters for a happy marriage that is. I'm so proud of my husband. He's grown so much since we've first started dating. I remember thanking Jehovah so profusely for MJ when he first popped up in my life. I should continue doing that, because Jehovah knows he is a gift!

Happy anniversary love of my life! I wholeheartedly look forward to all the experiences that we'll have in the coming years. Stick with me babe. It's going to be fun!

Ran-Dumb Thoughts

Today is the memorial of Christ's death.
I'm glad I will be a part of the commemoration.
To pay homage to what Jesus did for me.
I can't wait to get through this work day.
There's so much to do.
I keep getting project after project.
All these ad-hoc analyses.
I'm trying not to tire out and take it in stride.
I'd rather be doing this than what I was doing before.
This is 10x better.
I'm officially off birth control.
Yeah, you know what that means.
I'm freaking out and anxious in a good way at the same time.
I'll keep you posted on any developments.
Check back in a few months or so.
I feel like I'm in the middle of a phase.
Almost two years in a marriage with a new house.
Still learning each other and displaying a bit of wisdom in our dealings with one another.
Thank goodness it's more wisdom than just learning.
I like applying the lessons I've learned for a peaceful home.
It makes a big difference.
I need to break my journal out.
I miss writing my deepest thoughts down.
I've been writing them in this notepad here at work but that's dangerous.
Who knows what cleaning lady has been going through my stuff.
But what would I talk about?
I'm out of the 'learning myself' phase.
I'm out of the 'marriage is hard' phase.
I know what I can write about.
The closer we are to actually having a baby, I think more about the quiet times we have.
I think I want to chronicle the just-me-and-him times.
Tues night, MJ and I feel asleep at 8:30 just talking to each other.
I woke up in his arms.
It was nice.
Being able to handle yard work and wash cars without watching out for a toddler...
Coming home from work and relaxing a bit before heading to the meeting...
Not cooking every single day...
But I'm ready for the challenge.
I have the best partner in the world to tackle it with.
I'm so blah today.
I worked straight from 9 to 5 yesterday.
Didn't look at any of my blogs.
Today I'll tone it down a bit.
Don't feel like being on grind mode.
I need to tend to my mood.
I just finished painting my toe nails before I started this blog.
The morning time at work is the best time to paint nails.
Especially since I'm the first one here.
I just looked down at my Boutique9 heels.
I love the Boutique9 line.
I tend to flock to that subset of Nine West shoes.
Got Pandora on.
Wonder what Joss & Main will look like today.
Makes no difference.
I can't spend any money.
I'm dropping $700 on a credit card tomorrow.
Bought my rug on my cc.
Need to pay that off right away.
What's on the calendar for this month?
A going away party.
A bridal shower in Hampton, VA.
MJ and my cherry blossom, happy hour cruise
Our housewarming.
Ok, it's internet surfing time.
Happy Memorial people.

To Do List

Can you believe I can't upload anymore pictures on blogger?! What kind of crap is that! They say I've used up all my space.

I would have posted 2 or 3 posts since my last one but without the ability to post pictures, I've been stalling. I have so many house photos to share! We've done a lot. I'm going to try and delete some photos out of my Picasa account so I can have more room. But knowing me that'll take a while. So here's what we've done and where we need to go next.

Short Term
  Cut the lawn of weeds
  Thatch and aerate the lawn
  Lay weed and seed fertilizer
  Pull up weeds and cut down the two trees on either side of the house
  Make a flower box in front of the house
  Lay grass seed or sod
  Create stone path
  Plant shrubs/bushes on either side of the front stairs 
  Finish painting the kitchen cabinets
  Apply kitchen hardware
  Paint upstairs guest room
  Paint stairwell spokes in decorator's white
  Spray paint downstairs guest room side tables
  Purchase bathroom accessories for the guest bathroom upstairs

Long Term
  Paint both rooms downstairs (man cave - silver, guest bedroom - teal)
  Purchase guest room lamps
  Get a glass top made for my trunk/coffee table in the living room
  Change out the stairwell light for a chandelier of sorts
  Change out the mudroom boob light
  Purchase a dining table set, preferably in small pieces (I don't want it to completely match)

Little Things
  Purchase door stops
  Purchase black door knobs to get rid of the gold crappy ones that are ALL OVER the house
  Get new light plates