Sunday, June 19, 2011

I Wish I Was Entertaining

I've always had this weird thing with females. I'd hate to be one of those girls who says, "I get along better with men than women" because such a statement is absolutely nonsense. Every human being has the ability to get out there and become somewhat comfortable with a group of either gender. If as a female, you can't get along with other females, I personally think there's something wrong with you. Chances are you probably think a little too much of yourself. No one likes a stuck up female.

As much as I try not to be, I'm an introvert. I'm not the social butterfly or the busy bee that would allow me to have a thick wad of friends. I could listen to conversations or read posts on facebook that I could talk on for days. But instead of saying "OMG, Me too!" or exchanging in fun dialogue about it, I'd simply nod and let the topic go by. Of course, once I've clicked with a female and we both like each other for who we are, my crazy side comes out. I laugh, I smile, I joke, I do silly stuff, I say anything... Nevertheless, I wish I could have a bigger personality upon the on set. I wish I could be entertaining. But then, I wouldn't be me.

I've never been a part of a group of females. That "Sex And The City" friendship thing... I've longed for it but never had it. I've had one true girlfriend here and one there with a temporary trio of friends. Even the trios were short-lived, I so enjoyed them. They still remain some of the happiest girlfriend moments of my life.

In college, I was a girlfriend to about 10 girls. As I learned later, I was also the most envied. And I say that with the most humility I can possibly muster! The reason I know I was envied was because of what one of my college girls told me another one of our friends said when we were all going out. "Is JJ going? Sigh...That means I need to put stuff together. She makes it hard." And this is coming from one of the girls I felt particularly close to. I mean she was sorely disappointed I was going and it hurt. I longed for her friendship so badly, that I subconsciously down-played everything about myself every time we got together. Since then, I've has this complex that I know I need to get rid of.  I don't purposefully tell myself to blend into the background, but I find I'm most comfortable not letting my light shine so as to not hurt others feelings. I know I know. That's ridiculous and I shouldn't do that. But that's how badly I wanted and still want female friends. It's a necessity for me. Just like water and food are necessities.

So how am I going to get over this. Repeat over and over to myself, 'If they don't like me for who I am with my full light beaming bright, then they're not true friend material'. Tiff just wrote on my fb wall "appreciate the true sisters you have, accept the others for who they are and what purpose they serve, not everyone deserves or will fill a front row seat in your life". So in an effort to do that, my hat is off to those who love me for who I am. The good and the bad. JW, TC, CB, TNC, KW, NW, AH, KW, JC... (I hope I didn't miss anyone.) With my crazy, inner, explosive need for girlfriends, I would simply die if I didn't have you guys in my life. I love you dearly.


T.C. said...

you can ONLY be you! that's it and that's all...

Anonymous said...

My exact sentiments!

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