Been thinking about my relationship with Jehovah a lot more than usual over the past two weeks. I suppose it's because we had the visit of the circuit overseer who usually kicks us into shape. In one of his discourses, he told us to get it together not now, but RIGHT now. Of course, I've been teetering over this thought. Do I have it together?
Lately people, namely my family members, have been telling me that I'm growing or that I'm maturing or giving me little pieces of wisdom to help me in life. Unfortunately, I haven't been taking it well. I have a problem when I vocalize a thought and someone is shocked that I said it and deems me as maturing. That mess irks the heck out of me. My thoughts and decisions have been about the same for a while now. Maybe even years. But since I don't talk my thoughts out, when I finally do, my vocalized thoughts get treated like their brand new. It's truly annoying. Something inside wants to chastise myself though. Am I so big and bad that I can't just accept what people are saying to me? Do I have a problem with humility? I said that I've been pretty mature all my life. Do I need to reevaluate that perception of myself? One would think my mother would know me better than most people, so if she's says I'm maturing, maybe she saw something in me before that wasn't mature. I have a hard time believing that I wasn't mature though. But that last sentence right there can lead to problems. Am I overconfident? Pride is before a crash right?
Another thing my circuit overseer said was that when pressure arrives, what's in your heart comes out. In other words, he was telling us to root out all the bad things in our hearts at this moment for it gets really really REALLY hard in this world. I agree with him and totally understand, which is why I've been thinking a lot about what's in my heart. You want to know what's in my heart? You want to know what I'm attracted to? You want to know what I long for? To be blunt, a vampire movie, Christmas music and old holiday memories. Now as a JW, these are things I should quite be looking towards or longing after. When you think of Christianity, blood-sucking vampires don't exactly fall in the same circle. Christmas has nothing to do with Christianity and holidays are either man-made or pagan. My husband found the common theme in these things for me, which I didn't even notice. Twilight is about passion and love. Christmas music is about warmth, joy and love. Old holiday memories are about family, joy, warmth and love. He's right. What I truly want is the feelings I get from these things. It sucks that the feelings are all nicely wrapped in things I can't open. I don't know how else to get them so that I don't long for vampire movies, Christmas music and old holiday memories. How do I get these things out of my heart?
I know I need to pray more. When I pray, I usually pray for general things and never remember that I need to pray for something specific. Hmmm. I need to write down everything I need to pray for and review it before I pray. That sounds retarded though. Sigh. There's just too much crap in my head.