How I'm Feeling

Proposal Anniversary or Not

I'm watching a tv series on my laptop. One of the best tv series ever. I won't say which one it is as it's my guilty pleasure. Nevertheless, it's the perfect way to get away.

Today is the anniversary of the day Marcus proposed to me. 11/11/09. But we haven't acknowledged each other or the import of the day much. We had a difficult conversation yesterday, so today is just one of those days. Dah well. Guess this is a proposal anniversary we'll have to miss.

Ha! I just heard the perfect line. "Why movies?" "I reject reality." I hear that!

More Tired Than Tired

I'm exhausted.
The stress from work combined with this sinus cold...
Ugh.
I could sleep for a week.
If only I could sleep peacefully through the night.
I have nightmares when I'm sick.
So I haven't had a restful sleep for a few days.
And I started my period today.
My body is telling me no.
But I have to keep going.
Reports have to be made.
Meetings have to be held.
Laundry has to be folded.
The bathtub has to be cleaned.
Dinner has to be thought of.
Not to mentioned cooked/ordered.
I'm so exhausted, I could cry.
But I'm not.
Big girls don't cry.

Kim Kardashian's Divorce

I feel bad for Kim Kardashian. I'm pretty sure that girl is sitting somewhere embarrassed out of her mind. I feel bad for her because her reality tv life does not allow her to take the time to consider her actions. Where the wedding t.v. special was concerned, after deals have been made, contracts have been signed and filming has started, it's easy to see how things can easily spin out of control. When you're in the middle of shooting your dress rehearsal, where a whole crew of t.v. people are dedicating their time and energies to publicizing your wedding, but have irritated feelings towards your fiance, I can imagine how hard it is to cancel the whole thing. But because marriage is so sacred, she should have been a bad business woman, canceled a few contracts and made her real life a priority. Her celebrity is getting in the way of her life and I hope she recognizes that before it's too late. She's a woman like everyone else who just wants to be married and find true love. I understand her need to be loved. Unfortunately for her, she's not going to be able to do that until she puts her life first and her wallet second. (Especially so the next guy who comes along can take her serious.) Recognizing that she either has to retire early or wait til her body/looks fall apart to get married is key to her love life. "The love of money is a root of all sorts of injurious things..." (1 Tim. 6:10)

It's Impossible...

...to be this fine.Cot dang!

Ode to Linkin Park

"You will pay for what you've done!"
Your time has come to be eraaaaaaaaased!"
Linkin Park is screaming for me.
What I want to do, they're doing it for me.
Relate. Relax. Release.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Is it me or is it you?
I need a release.
"Let me apologize for what I'm about to say."
I need to get away.
Ever have the urge for recklessness?Mindless behavior void of common sense?
I want to forget about my promise.
"Water crate through the windows."
"The levies have broken."
I'm in urgent need of a dam.
It needs to be held back.
Find my center.
Control.

Perfection

The perfect rug for me. Which also happens to be about $1K. Why?!!!!!!

Milk + Honey, Webisode 1

I will be following this series of webisodes about African-American females struggling to reach the top... executive produced by the sexy Idris Elba. Enjoy episode 1.


milk + honey: episode 1 from brown paper dolls on Vimeo.

What did you think?

Table Etiquette?

I'm leaving happy hour with my boss and co-workers. And while I would like to go into what we talked about and give an interesting remark on having cocktails with a bunch of grown, white men, I'm not going to because of something that happened that I must mention.

So we're in the restaurant talking, tossing around jokes, laughing hysterically at each other, even though the jokes are not that funny (isn't that how these things go?) and I announce that I need to get going. I slip my jacket on and grab my purse with the intention of jetting for the metro. I start to rise from my seat and not even a millisecond later, the rest of the men start to get up as well. Worried that I was leaving too early to be the new girl, I was relieved. 'Ok, good. We're all leaving', I thought to myself. It didn't take long for me to realize that I was wrong because as soon as they were standing, they were sitting down again. I almost paused out of confusion but somehow at that very instant, I recalled the movie scene I've seen so many times before where old English gentlemen stand as women arrive to and depart from tables. Acting unaffected, I kept on walking towards the restaurant door. (Thank goodness for my movie watching memory and the vague recall of someone teaching me about this in a general session on basic table etiquette. Otherwise I would have stood there staring at them...like an idiot.)

I've been thinking about what happened for the last 5 minutes and something about it leaves me impressed, sad and confused at the same time. So as I stand here in the metro typing this into my iPhone, important questions come to mind. Why is this the first time this has ever happened to me? Is what my co-workers did basic table etiquette that men I've been around my whole life do not practice? Is this a color/culture thing? What does it say that this is even an issue to me? What does it say that I almost fell into idiot mode due to ignorance towards a proper dining etiquette gesture? I mean, to be honest, I'm a little embarrassed that this black girl right here was totally unaware as to why 3 guys would stand with me and then sit back down whilst departing a table. What say you? Am I blowing this out of proportion? Should this not be a strange thing to me?

But man…what just happened was oh so VERY strange.

The Best Man 2!

Did you guys hear?! The Best Man 2 is in the works!!! Yay!
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Ran-Dumb Thoughts

Another day, another dollar.
I'm on the train commuting into work.
Got a lot to do today.
I want breakfast today.
The deli down the street from the office will do.
Got a little Maxwell in my ear.
Perfect for an overcast/rainy day.
This short chick just got on the train with what looks like extra tall jeans on.
One fourth of the pant leg is dragging UNDER her feet.
Why?
Not looking forward to what my manager is calling 'meet and greet' happy hour.
'Meet and greet' who?
This is my 3rd week!
I've passed up 3 other invitations already.
Now I gotta sit around 3 white guys drinking and cracking jokes.
1 glass of wine and I'm out.
We're at stadium armory.
Why did this women sit on my whole hip just now!?
She just threw her big behind in the seat without watching where she was putting it.
Ugh!
I'm as close to the window as I can go.
Don't even have access to my full seat.
My neck is cold.
The one day I decide not to wear a pashmina.
I guess I'm too used to my scarves/pashminas.
Got on my leopard print heels today.
I think I'ma start dressing more boldly now that it's my 3rd week.
No more stale corporate.
Although I might need to do stale corporate for work travel next week.
It's going to be cold in upstate NY.
I need a fur vest.
Bout to hit up the thrift store for that.
Hopefully I can something really soft.
Fur vest inside of winter coat with a belt.
Pull the fur out a little.
Fashionable and extra warm.
Bout to be at L'Enfant.
Gotta transfer.
Did I blog about how I utterly destroyed my hair?
Wearing my natural curls is like taking care of a newborn baby.
You have to baby it 110% of the time.
And of course I didn't.
So my ends are damaged.
And then I did what any frustrated girl would do.
I cut my ends myself.
My hair is in curls so I really can't tell what I did.
We'll see the next time I do my hair.

JJ

Video: Frank Ocean - "We All Try"

One of my favorite songs on Frank Ocean's mixtape. The video - Wow.

Happy Monday

After spending a ridiculous amount of money on dinner for my fabulous Friday evening date night with hubby, I have the no money blues. You know...the i-just-started-a-new-job-so-i-don't-get-a-proper-check-until-forever-and-in-the-meantime-my-biggest-bill-is-due blues. It's going to be tough. I'll be on travel next week so at least I'll be taken care of on company money for at least 2 days. Thinking about my temporary broke-ness sucks, so if I have to dwell, I'll dwell on the fact that it's temporary and that my Rasika Restaurant and FELA! evening was worth it.

I did another photo shoot and interview for my site japhotojournal.com. I'm in the process of editing the photos. I'll type up the interview this upcoming weekend perhaps. I liked the interview more than the shoot. I was uninspired by the shoot. BUT, I'm going to do the best with what I have.

Everybody and their mama is off for Columbus Day today, except for Sallie Mae. I caught myself in the beginning stages of 'why me'. Yay me! I'm blessed to be able to have a job. Otherwise, while everyone else is sitting home getting paid for being off, I'd be sitting home NOT getting paid for being off. Thank Jehovah for a job!

I want some orange juice.

The end.

Video: Melanie Fiona - "4AM"

I heard this song late on the radio one night and it caught my attention. Melanie Fiona catches my attention even more with this video. Lovin' it.

To The Floor

I am DYING for a full length winter coat. I cannot find one ANYWHERE without needing to spend $5K! Please help! If you want to surprise me and buy me one...Size 6 please! =)

Ermanno Scervino Fall Winter 2011 2012

Ermanno Scervino Fall Winter 2011 2012

Ermanno Scervino Fall Winter 2011 2012

Ermanno Scervino Fall Winter 2011 2012

Haider Ackermann Fall Winter 2011 2012

Christian Dior Fall Winter 2011 2012

Martin Grant Fall Winter 2011 2012

Martin Grant Fall Winter 2011 2012

Martin Grant Fall Winter 2011 2012

Missoni Fall Winter 2011 2012

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PFW: Moncler Gammer Rouge

Paris Fashion Week. Isn't this beautiful? My senses are wide open with this piece. Man, I love fashion.

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Death

I don't know if it was the announcement of Steve Jobs' passing and the conversation with my mom about her not feeling well, but I had a horrible dream last night. I don't want to put it into words for positivity reasons, but boy was it real feeling. Death was heavy on my mind this morning as I threw on my jewelry and curled my hair. In my dream, I told my aunt it was okay to close her eyes because the pain would be over. And all she had to do was sleep until God resurrected her. Sure, we get the reassurance from the Bible that both the righteous and unrighteous will be resurrected from the enemy death, but does that stop us from wanting to live? I thought I wasn't afraid of death, but after imagining what I would do/feel/say if someone told me to 'just close my eyes' and in no time I would be resurrected, I'm not so comfortable with the notion. Death isn't natural. People say it's a part of life but that's not what was intended for us when Adam and Eve were put on this earth. It was intended for us to live forever...and that's exactly what I want. I want to live forever and never grow old. Thankfully, Jehovah promises that soon.

Sobering thoughts for a Thursday.

Things Are Good

The new job is going well. Today’s only my third day but from what I can glean, this is going to be an interesting position. It feels good to already see where my experience from past jobs can play a role into my future work. I’m looking forward to using my skills here. And the pay is the bomb!

 

We went to another congregation’s meeting last night. Jehovah must have moved us to attend because the district overseer’s talk was great. The theme of his talk was about avoiding regrets and I learned so much about study habits, pronunciations, and drawing closer to Jehovah. There’s something about D.O.’s and C.O.’s that have your head spinning by the time they’re done with a talk. I love that.

 

Hubby and I have been doing well. Since our falling out two weeks ago, things have been smooth. The changes we both need to make are fresh in our minds, so our behavior towards one another is on the up and up. I really see baby boy’s efforts in loving me the way I need to be loved. He smiles at me often. He compliments me more. And I even catch him looking at me sometimes in that special way. Unfortunately, I’ve been swallowed up in sickness so he’s been taking care of me more than I’ve been taking care of him, so I look forward to stepping up as well. Prayerfully, we can both continue to love each other in the manner we’re doing now. Reminders will be vital as we continue on however. You can kind of compare our marriage to the way the body handles the congregation. They teach us, we forget and then we get a long weekend of instruction to make us remember again. The same thing happens with us. We study about issues that affect us, we forget, then we get a huge makeover that’s usually inspired by a conflict. I know that hubby can do without the conflicts, but I’m down if they make us stronger. Especially if we get to me like this afterwards…loving, tender, caring.

 

Anyway, like I said, things are good. My conscience is clean. My marriage is good. Work is interesting. Most importantly, I feel peaceful. This is a good time in life. I’m glad I’m writing it down so as to remember.

Video: Them Girls Can Sing!

Her name is Joelle James. She needs a contract quick! www.youtube.com/joellejames

Slow Down?

I want to preface this blog by saying that my feelings may be totally different tomorrow. But here it goes anyway.

My attitudes towards settling down are changing. Notice the '-ing' in changing. I'm not all the way there yet, but I can see myself slowly leaning away from where I was last month. Reading this article, "Sound-Off: In No Tush To Settle Down", actually confirmed my thoughts.

Like the author of the article, I too thought I would be deep into marriage and motherhood by now. If you were to tell my 17 year old self that at 28 I would only be in my 2nd year of marriage and be no where near having children, I would have burst into tears. Disappointment wouldn't even be the word. But as time progresses, I'm beginning to very gradually get rid of the time shackles I've been dragging around on my left ankle. Don't get me wrong though. I still do feel like it would be great to have baby number one before 30. As a matter of fact, I would LOVE for that to happen, but maybe, just maybe, it would be beneficial to wait a little longer.

We haven't traveled to Europe yet. We're not in the home we wan to be in. We haven't had a consistent run of fulfilling each other's needs yet. So with that in mind, wouldn't it be better to follow the flow of things? Or is it better to plan, especially since my clock will start ticking soon? What if Jehovah has my timing all laid out and I'm fighting against that? None of my close friends are getting pregnant or are on their way to doing so. If I waited, I might be able to share pregnancy and marriage stories with someone who's going through the same experience. I bet that would be nice. But why base my timing on others? Is that a good move?

Even with all the questions, I do feel in my heart however that I need to work on my marriage more and get into a new house before making any drastic changes. To work towards expanding our family in a few months is unrealistic. More important than all the aforementioned reasons put together, my husband isn't ready. The last thing I want to do is force him to do or be something he's not ready to do or be. That wouldn't be the nicest thing. Especially if I can yield a little.

I'm still unsure about this whole in-it's-own-time thing, but I definitely don't want to force this baby-before-30 thing. If it happens, great. If it doesn't, 30 1/2 will have to be the new goal. =) Ha!