Thursday, January 19, 2012

Talking It Out

I've been thinking a lot. And about everything under the sun too. Moving into a house comes with a whole butt-load of new experiences, lessons, work, and relationship complexities. It's amazing how a new space can create so much newness.

MJ has been working A LOT. Everyday when we get home from work, he's off somewhere in the house fixing or building something. I'm surprised that he isn't complaining yet. Especially since I don't do nearly as much as him. And I feel a little guilty for it. I have very strong issues surrounding living in something that someone else lived in before me. The germs, dirty shower grout, the crumbs in the cabinets, the piles of lint inside the dryer, the dark specks in the bleach compartment of the washing all freaks me out. I absolutely HATE it. I do understand that I simply need to buckle down and take care of it, but there's a process that I have to go through in order to even prepare to deal with it. I have to get my mind right, give myself a pep talk, tell myself to breathe slowly... Yeah, it's really that bad. But it's me. And I don't know if it's something worth trying to change about myself. I have no problem cleaning up after myself. It's other strange people's mess that I can't deal with.

If I was single, here's how it would go. Realizing that I would have to buckle down and take care of everything on my own, on day 1, I would probably go through emotions of being overwhelmed and possibly even cry...despite the fact that I just bought a gorgeous house. On day 2, I would vent my frustrations to my mother and with my feelings in mind, she would help me construct a plan. On day 3, I would take note of all the things I have to do and make a list just to see if the plan we made the day before would actually work. On day 4, I would perhaps cry again but do a breathing exercise to get myself ready and tackle the first disgusting job. After exerting that much energy, tears and emotion into cleaning task 1, I would be done for the day. And I would continue that way until everything is done. Being that I'm NOT single, my husband just takes care of everything on minute 1 of Day 1. And then I exhale. I'm pretty sure he might think I'm pathetic, but I really could get it done if I was single. Getting it done would just take the equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest.

I can't wait until all this preliminary stuff is done. I just want MY home. Not someone else's home which I'm trying to make into mine. Once MJ has transformed the house, I can't wait to turn the house into our home. The decorating, the smells, the comfort, the organization, the usable spaces... I can't wait to turn the house into a place where my husband can relax. Since money doesn't grow on trees, I'm giving myself a year to make the transformation.

A year... Every since I was young, my family would usually focus on one big thing a year. A big vacation, a big purchase, a big project. Inevitably, I've adopted that philosophy in my adult life. The problem with that philosophy is that I really really really want to go on an overseas vacation with my husband before having kids. Being that I'm already freaking out (again) about being my age without kids, I really don't want to wait until the entire house is complete AND we've taken our overseas vacay before popping one out. Sigh... What to do? What to do? If I put the house transformation on hold and take the trip, will I be able to still work on the house with a kid on one hip?  Sherry and John tell me that I can. Who are Sherry and John, you ask? They are the proud parents of a toddler named Clara AND a pair of very talented do-it-yourselfers (DIY) who I stay connected to everyday by way of their blog Young House Love. No, I don't know them personally, but I am in LOVE with their blog. MJ and I have already determined that we are following their post on re-doing kitchen cabinets when we get around to doing so. So the fact that they are professional bloggers (yes John quit his job to pursue this), parents AND are renovating a house at the same time makes me believe that it's all possible! And I'll have WAY less to do than them when a little one finally arrives.

Or? Can a mom and dad travel for a week and not fall apart from being away from their baby too long? When is too early to take a trip without your child? If we do our dream London-to-Italy-to-France trip, we'll probably need more than 1 week right? So tell me parents, if I have a child before we take the trip, when's the best time to do it? At what age does the child have to be for me not to emotionally die while being away?

You know, I really admire the parents that don't stop their worlds for a baby. Knowing that a baby is going to take over the parent's lives, I really appreciate couples who keep themselves and their relationships as number 1 still. My parents taught me that they came first, and me and my sister came second. I agree that they had their priorities straight. When MJ and I have a baby, I want to fight for a balance. I want to fight for clarity and be able to recognize when I need some me time to decorate, do some photography or hang with my friends. I want to fight to remember that my husband is number 1 (after Jehovah of course). I say fight because I know that it will be one. The bond that I'm going to have with my baby is immediate and inevitable.

So... little fixes in the house, a BiG trip, baby and then the rest of the house? I think that's what I want to do. At least that's what I hope for. Living in an empty, non-decorated house is hard for me, but I really really really want this trip.

I guess I have my answer.

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