A light bulb just went off today...a true aha moment. There's been this little thing that has bothered me for some time now. Maybe even as far back as high school. It was/is strange but whenever I had/have an informative or deep conversations with someone, I secretly walk away, not enlighted, but hurt. It didn't make sense because whatever advice I was hearing was usually for my benefit. Most likely, it would come from people who loved me and wanted the best for me. So why feel hurt by it? Well, in an attempt to not look ungreatful, I shoved the feeling deep down inside and never spoke of it. I never could put my finger on why I often felt so insulted, but today I figured it out. Today's the first day I've spoken this into the air.

I don't think I'm given enough credit.

From a very early age, I was told that as a pretty, light-skinned girl, people will perceive me similar to a dumb blonde. I might have mentioned this in a previous blog, but I did all I could to fight that stereotype. I wasn't obsessed with the notion of proving myself though. I didn't let it lead my life. I just made sure that when I opened my mouth, I had something of substance to say. I'm not sure if I feel like I'm treated like a dumb blonde, but I now know that I surely have this general sweeping feeling that people assume I'm not smart enough to think.

My director emailed me today and told me that if I don't have numbers by end of day Friday, I should email the managers on Monday to ask for them. Umm... It's now Wednesday. Why do you not believe in me or in my intelligence enough to know that I not only thought about that, but DID something about it 2 days ago? This exact case happens often in my life. In discussions, I often hear people say that I need to learn to do this or perhaps I should try to approach it this way. Maybe it's because I'm usually talking to elders that they assume I don't know. On occasion though, it's come directly from my peers. During those times, I wish I could plead with that person to realize that I'm not a retard and that I had that very same conversation with myself 2 days ago.

My mother asked me is there something that I can do so that I don't feel that way. Perhaps communicate more. I told her that I need to speak my intelligence more. She then told me that maybe I don't because it shows humility. Well I don't know what to do then. I just want to know when am I allowed to have wisdom without telling everyone that I have it? I'm not trying to say that I never have to listen to advice again because I'm not so ignorant to believe that I don't need help. I am only 25 years old and have so much to learn about life. I told my mother and my aunt today that I have no idea how to be a wife. And when that day comes, I'm going to call them and ask for help. I'm looking forward to learning from their personal life's so that I don't run into the same ditches they ran into in their marriages.

I think this is all coming up because of my engagement. While they are happy for me, they're worried for me. And it's adding a certain weight to my special announcement. (And I know they don't mean to, so I'm not blaming anyone.) To quote them, they said that it is "bittersweet" because while they're happy for me they know the valleys that marriage brings and wonder if I'm strong enough. Yes, there is a lot of joy and pain in marriage. It's a fact. And you better believe that I've thought about this. Why say yes if I haven't? I know that my parents and relatives are afraid. They want to protect me from everything, and they're scared. It's sad that in this system of things, marriage brings forth such a cloud. And I can understand why. 50% of marriages end in divorce. They're hard. And by Christianity's standards, there's no way out with the exception of infidelity. It's a serious step. A major, life-changing decision.

I don't know. This is all so new to me. I don't want to tip toe around everyone as they worry for me. I want to STOMP around during my engagement. I want to scream it to the world. Dag on it, I'm getting married!