Tuesday, July 14, 2009


I walked in the house with a bad attitude yesterday. One of those teenage attitudes where you groan and pout as soon as your parents have the audacity to ask you to come here. I was insanely exhausted when I got home but was hungry enough to scavenger the refrigerator for food. While I did yell a 'hello' when I walked in the house, I was doing all I could to be quiet so as not to call the attention of my parents. All I wanted to do was put something in my stomach and then fall out. But...my dad called me. The attitude came out of the depths. My mom asked me what was wrong and I snapped back that I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. On my way to sleep, I felt bad. I haven't had an attitude like that in years. At 26 years of age, you're no longer allowed to have those.

My mojo is gone. All the soundness that I once had is on empty. And I do feel like I could be going temporarily insane. Nothing gargantuan has happened to lead me to this conclusion, but I'm pretty sure my diagnosis is correct. All the little things in life that I usually have together feel out of place. Now...I'm going to list some of these things. They may seem small to you but remember, I'm a woman. Nothing is too small to notice. For one, my nails are a mess. Granted, I have clear polish on so no one can tell without a microscopic stare, but the uneveness of my right thumb and pointer finger nails are driving me crazy. Ladies, you know that once your nail is jagged, it gets caught on e-ve-ry-thing. Threads in your clothes, scrapes on your skin, etc. If I mark my body one more time on this stupid nail, I'm going to scream. And THEN, can you believe I'm walking around with a crack in my white toe nail polish on my big toe? [insert movie shreaking shrill here] Blasphemy! It's summer time. If anything has to be on point, it must be the toes. So...one might ask, 'well jac. why don't you just get your nails done?' [insert blank stare here] That's a very good question that I can't seem to answer. Temporary insanity I tell ya. In my defense, I can tell you that I have no time, nor can I find my nail files. My room is in post tornado form. But yet, every night, I push things to the side and leave it for another day. I lost the caps to my lenses. I've been meaning to write down the specifications of my lenses so I can order new ones, but yet, it hasn't been done. Remember all that paperwork that I was supposed to take care of? I can't even tell you which one of my bags those papers are in. The U.S. Department of Commerce has requested that I fill out this 82 question survery that is overdue. I believe I got a second notification last week, but I haven't really gotten to the stack of mail that's sitting on the trunk in my room. Did you know that I hate unpacking? Hence the suitcase full of clothes that I took with me to New Orleans is still sitting there - in my sister's room though, because there's no room in mind. I need to get my center dash unit replaced in my car. I sorely want it fixed, but of course that hasn't been done either. Not to mention that Missy needs a thorough detail. In an effort to get my mind right this morning, I rode to the metro in silence. I was making a left hand turn out of my development when I heard a noise like a pebble rolling and then hitting a wall. I made another left and heard it again. After the next right I wanted to scream, but instead I just silently mouthed "Oh, come on!"

There are more things I could enumerate but the issue isn't about the things. One good or two good slow weekends will do wonders for me. It's about what's happening to me to make me feel so dag on ineffective. I'm completely out of wack. I'm Defective! Mentally (insanity), physically (my back is killing me all the time now), and emotionally (the attitude). I thought that maybe I was partaking of too much leisure time, but then I began to re-think that. I work my butt off. If I can't have a couple of hours on Saturday and a concert on Sunday, then I don't know what I'm going to do. I actually need a break in my week. After three days of tearing my hair out, I have to have a pardon in order to make it through the last two days. What I'm really concerned about though is my back. I'm having a hard time finding comfortable ways to sit at my desk and on the train. When I'm on the train, I get the most comfort by sitting diagonally or taking up two seats, so whenever someone wants to sit by me, I get irritated. Lol. Do you see the cycle that I'm in?! I need a spa appointment for a deep tissue massage asap. I think that'll give me some temporary relief as my instinct is telling me that it's all stress.

I've been unable to write. I haven't seen SYTYCD for the last past two weeks. I'm paying for a Netflix service that I haven't been able to use. I missed service and my Bible study. And now I'm defective.

How can I simplify? Jehovah is a God of order, and so am I. Well, I'm not a god, as apparent as that is right now, but I'm a woman who needs order. This disarray that I'm in will hurt me and my relationships if I don't fix it fast. I'm not trying to have attitudes or miss out on things because of turmoil. Due to outside forces, I'm not going to be able to make any immediate changes in my circumstances. So for now, I have to find a way. My first reaction is to just figure it all out. Alone. But I know that.... mmmm... I don't know... See! I can't even bring myself to say that I can't do it all alone. I feel like all I need to do is to write out a schedule and make it happen. But the sense in me tells me that I should ask for assistance. But assistance doing what? I don't even know where to begin. Assistance in cleaning my room? Come on. No one knows where my stuff goes but me. So how do I manage? Because right now, it's all about managing with what I have. And how long will it take me to become sound again? Because I kinda need this to happen right away. Or else, I will give up. And that's unacceptable.

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