Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Ran-dumb Thoughts

There's nothing on my mind this morning.
I'm a blank slate.
Which I guess can be a good thing.
Right?
My congregation was in rare form last night.
Everyone was hilarious.
The meeting sure did turn my frowny face into a happy one.
Even when I got in the car to leave, all the right quiet storm songs graced my stereo system.
I pulled into the driveway singing Bobby Brown's Tenderoni at the top of my lungs.
Sometimes it's like that, ya know?
It was a release.
To close your eyes and enjoy a song to it's fullest is like an eclipse.
It doesn't happen all the time but when it does, you get goosebumps.
I saw a guy (possibly gay) driving through the garage two days ago, singing along with Janelle Monae with such gusto that you would have thought he was on stage.
It was entertaining.
I smiled as I watched his freedom.
I like watching people when they don't know you're looking.
You can experience someone in their purest form that way.
I should release more like that.
Fully enjoy myself no matter who's around.
Let other people see my joy.
Hopefully get them to smile with me, ya know?
I wonder how many people purposefully go out of their way to make another smile.
If everyone did that, we'd live in a better world.
My stomach is growling this morning.
I didn't bring lunch today like I did yesterday.
I'm trying to put $500 per paycheck on my AmEx.
My free spending days are over, which means I need free indulging entertainment.
Usually I'm excited about the weekend ahead.
This time I'm not for some reason.
I don't have to work or anything, and there's nothing big on my plate that would make me anxious.
I have a photography class.
Why I'm not razzle dazzled about that I don't know.
So what do I want to do this weekend then?
Mmm.
Enjoy nature.
"No need to remove your coat. No need to take off your shoes. Usually you can stay but not today, not today, no."
The Foreign Exchange is on point.
"Please don't be like that... Not today, not today, no... Nothing for me to say.... Nothing's been more true than these words to you...It's not like it was before... She can't keep me anymore.."
I'm so feeling that this morning.
I need to repeat this track.
There's a young chocolate man sitting in front of me with a yellow polo button up on.
I love dark men in pastels.
He looks so sharp with his button up, khakis, and brown shoes...
Hair cut way down.
iPod in his ears.
Newspaper in his hands.
He looks impressive.
But as I said to my mother yesterday, you never really know someone until you know them.
Everyone has an issue.
I need an evaluation.
Someone please tell me what's wrong with me.
I'm asking for my most disturbing flaws.
I asked what was wrong with me but didn't get an answer.
Everyone has an issue.
I said that already.
Maybe that's my problem.
I can't recognize my own faults.
I used to be able to.
That's because I used to have a lot of them. Lol.
I work so hard on becoming a better person.
Something I need to give more attention to though are the quiet thoughts I have.
You can see from these similar themed "thoughts" posts that I always have something running through my head.
I would like to make sure the negativity stays out of my head.
I would also like to stop sharing so many of my thoughts.
I talk too much.
I share too much.
I actually don't talk too much as I can be a private person, but when I do, I tell all of me.
I dish out my entire world.
A while ago I mentioned that my equilibrium feels off.
It still does.
I'm going to get it back.
There was a period, probably when I was in NY, where I felt 100% comfortable with myself.
I want that back.
I knew who I was while in NY.
The singlehood probably helped.
The Foreign Exchange's "Valediction" is still playing.
I just sat down at my desk at work.
I just sneezed twice.
If someone said bless you, I can't hear them.
There are only 2 people in my section here anyway.
I'm not ready to open up outlook.
I'm not ready to open up gmail.
My dad says that his daughters are so used to doing for themselves and are so strong that they don't know how to let a man be the lead.
I want a man to lead.
Desperately.
I'm tired of doing all the work.
I just don't know men who know how to lead.
My mom said that she can go out of town with my father and not know a thing.
Not a hotel name, flight information, directions, etc.
And she feels perfectly safe.
Taken care of.
I don't know what that feels like.
If anyone's gotta know something, it better be me.
Ugh!
I guess it's time.
The day needs to begin.
And today's mood is melancholy.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

1 comment:

T.C. said...

I think feeling completely comfortable with anyone like that...we are strong and that's the problem (i think we've talked about this before) part of it is sitting back and watching to see if they can do...we tend to not even give someone a chance to handle things but once you do you will find that its not that hard to let go and let them do their thing...i am learning that now like allowing someone to actually be there and do, and its hard...we get in our own way...

of course have a back up plan, but i think we've been through enough to weed through it all

it just takes time, your parents/my parents have been together and bonded for YEARS you can't compare where they are NOW to where you are...that's where you want to be and it takes time on both sides...

he has to feel secure as a man and you as a woman to trust him as a man and that comes from getting to know someone...it'll happen

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