Feigning

I'm feigning for two things right now.

My soon to be husband... (10 days and counting!)



...And SHOES!!

Gosh I want these! I need some new shoes! It's been too long!

Nordstrom here I come!?

15 Days To Go!

It's starting! It's really happening and I'm getting really excited guys. I didn't expect to be this excited so this is truly a surprise. My bridal shower is in less than 4 days which marks the true beginning of wedding madness. Well, my mom and girlfriends might feel differently about when all the wedding madness started, but being on the sidelines for so long (willingly I might add), I finally get to come out and play! I'm sorta nervous too though. Being the center of attention makes my stomach drop, but I'll get over it. There aren't too many of these types of occasions in life. =)

I finally got a job. I am the new receptionist/administrative assistant at Optimization Consulting, Inc. No more high-powered jobs for me. I'm still rolling with the Director and CFO of the company, but this time it's different. I'm no longer responsible for determining the company's budget in 2 hours when such a task normally takes a week. The stress levels from my last three positions as Financial Analysts, Staff Accountant, and Ad Revenue Analysts are night and day compared to what I do now. Ironically, I feel more powerful and in control now than I ever have. When the CFO picked up the set of binders I made for the insurance paperwork today, he said "Where have you been all my life?!" I'm not sure how anyone could mess up putting binders together, but hey, I'll take it. The fact of it is that I'm 110% competent in this job whereas I was wrecking my brain to become 95% competent in the others. I was always praised for my work, but this time, I'm fully confident. This time, I feel like I could run the world. This job is doing amazing things for my confidence. I even dress differently now. The heels are back on, I'm pulling out jewelry I haven't worn in ages, and my hair has been styled differently for the last three days I've been around the OCI staff. It's amazing what changes can do for you. There's this one lady on the staff who always seems to look at me over the tip of her nose as if I'm a nobody. But it's cool. I just smile.

I'm reading a book called "Becoming the Woman God Wants Me to Be" by Donna Partow. AWESOME book. It covers the capable wife scriptures in Proverbs all the way from my faith foundations to healthy eating to personal appearance to household management. I'm supposed to read one chapter a day as it's "a 90-day guide to living the Proverbs 31 life". I hope that I can keep it up because I already can see the benefits of the book. While stepping into the role of wife, it'll help me in ways unimaginable. I just know it. I keep cheating by shuffling around to different chapters but I'm going to start the book right on Monday since that's what it tells you to do. It says that I need a personal notebook, a monthly calendar, tab dividers and pocket pages. The book even has worksheets in the back on menu planning/grocery shopping, debt reduction strategy and Bible study. I'm excited!

Did I mention that I got hired to write for District Bride Guide? Your local DC wedding resource? It's actually a volunteer position, but I'm happy that I was chosen out of a number of applicants to be a part of a blog that will give me opportunities to put my work out there. I have a regular spot on Fridays to write about the human side of weddings. You know... the emotions, the uncomfortable situations, the stressed out relationships... I offered to write about that because I've had my fair share of ups and downs around my wedding. The experiences that I've had are going to help others, so I'm grateful.

I did quite a bit of personal Bible study last night before trekking down to Waldorf to find a vase for the wedding reception. Arriving home a mere 15 minutes after clocking out of the job helps to get much done in the afternoons. =) Anywho, I was so moved while considering the role that prayer has in a Christian's life. My weekly Bible studies with one of the sister's in the congregation has compelled me to dig deeper into things. I like meeting with her. Now that I'm working, we have to re-arrange our study times, but I'm looking forward to expressing how I feel about prayer with her.

So... life is totally good. I have not one complaint which I am so happy about. I'm actually tearing up right now. Gosh. Things have been so hard. So so so hard. And now... Wait... Let me get it together. I can't cry at work. Lol. Number one rule - Never Cry At Work. (A rule I broke all the time at my last job.) Deep breath... Ok. I'm good now. Jehovah has truly taken care of me. (Starting to cry again... smh.) All the pieces of my life are falling into place in a way that I could have never imagined. I am so happy. I'm back to being me, I'm not stressed out about work, my studies with others and on my own are going well, counseling is opening my eyes, my relationship with my mom is great again, my sisters are warm with love, and I'm getting married in 15 days. I feel like Jill Scott in the first "Why Did I Get Married" series when she was telling her girls about the love she found and transformation she made while staying in Colorado with Troy. I'm so full. My heart is bursting with joy. I pray that I always remember this feeling. THANK YOU JEHOVAH.

Bible Reading

I just finished my Bible reading in 1 Samuel. I love reading about how one of the greatest kings in the first century came to be. David is a great example for everyone to really learn from. I think what impresses me most about David is his meekness and humility. David knew that he would be a king, which meant that he really didn't need to fear anything. Even though Saul was trying to kill him, David could have used his knowledge and got all big and bad in Saul's face. But he didn't. David remained the meek ole' David that he started out as. Now I know that David loses his mind later on and starts sinning against God, but I like where David's roots are. He had a good foundation.

Like David, I want a good foundation. At heart, I want to be a good person. I want a humble heart and a meek attitude. I want people to see me as a Christian at heart so that I can be an example or an inspiration like David is an inspiration to me.

You know, David is my favorite Bible character. I identify with him more than any other person in this Bible. Moreso because David messed up bad and did all he could to make things right with his God. I think he did that because of who he really was at heart. That goes right back to his foundation. David was a noble man who was human and made mistakes, but yet picked himself back up and still ended up being a friend of Jehovah. Mmmm. I have an affinity for that man. I can't wait to meet him!

Mood: Annoyed

I'm all about the Dweles, Sades, Maxwells and Jill Scotts. I need nothing but soothing-ness right now. My soul is feeling a bit interrupted. I don't know what it is cuz I'm not ovulating, but I just need calmness. Maybe it has to do with the weather.

Trying to find someone to go to the last home Wizards game with me. But the task is proving unsuccessful. I need more friends. Guess I'll go by myself.

I really don't want to go back to my parents house. I need a moment alone. Goodness. I don't want to answer any questions or be told to do anything. I just want quiet.

I hate how I've been looking. My body. These clothes. This hair. I'm going to wash it tomorrow and leave it wild or something. I don't care what anyone says anymore. My dad and MJ don't like it. I need to do what I want to do to feel like something. I'm tired of being put in a box.

This isn't turning out to be a good blog.

Blogging From The Berry

New York leaves me with a bittersweet feeling. I love the self-esteem boost it gives me. I never fail to hear plenty of "georgeous!", "fine!" or "you are bad!" shout outs. It never gets old. Just when I think I'm not attractive, complete strangers validate me all over again. On the other hand, I'm always hosed down with a dose of hard work. Whether it's lugging heavy bags through 10 blocks of crowded streets or waiting for a mode of transportation in unforgiving weather. Either way, there's no place like the city. I love it and I hate it. In particular, I love it because I can unapologetically be me. Me and "fine!"

Am I ovulating? Because my mind is racing. I'm in one of those 'Window Seat' moods. "Can I get a window seat/Don't want nobody next to me". I feel like sitting on a cross country bus and staring out the window into open road. I'm thinking of those paintings you see where a woman is alone and looking out into the distance. The spring breeze might be blowing through her hair or she could be sitting on a porch in the deep south with a jar of lemonade beside her. I'm especially reflective today, like one of those woman.

I'm sitting in Au Bon Pain on the top floor of "the world's largest store" - Macy's. There are a lot of people eating alone like myself. I wonder how many of them are truly alone. Are any of them lonely? Ironically, they're all doing what I'm doing. Scrolling/messaging/fiddling throught their phones. There's no time to be alone when you have a phone in your hands. Sometimes I wish technology could disappear.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Forming A Habit - Again

I just finished reading an article that really hit me. Not too long ago, I wrote a blog about my desire to form a habit. I haven't been doing so well in that area. My efforts to read the Bible daily have been lackluster at best. What's interesting is that I love doing the weekly Bible study program that my school assigns, so much so that I sometimes have trouble waiting for my fiance to do it together on Saturdays. But reading it twice is never a harm right? In any case, the article I studied really got me going in terms of my Bible reading and personal study. There was a footnote in the article that encouraged me to consult my Theocratic Ministry School textbook. This is what it said: "Why has Jehovah chosen to have his grand purposes written down in a book? So that people can consult his written Word...consider [His] wonderful works...and commit to memory God's practices. Our appreciation for Jehovah's generosity in this matter is best shown by the way that we apply ourselves to reading his life-giving Word." Wow, homie. I never thought about it that way. God went through all this trouble of producing stories, prophecies, counsel, proverbs, poetry, details and real-life examples just so that what? So that we can put the Bible on the shelf and only pick it up when we want to? That just wouldn't seem right. God worked on this Bible for me. So how better could I show my appreciation for what He did than to read it and apply it to my life? The Bible is not to be taken lightly.

So I need to work on forming that habit again. The key to doing so is regularity. If I can do this, I'll be a pretty sharp sista! You know what I'm saying?!

Off to do some reading!

3rd Post Today - Not Feminine Enough

Yeah yeah yeah. I got a lot to mention today.

So I just finished hanging up all my spring/summer clothes. Finally. While doing so, something my fiance said to me popped in my head. "You haven't been looking very feminine lately." When he initially said that to me, I wasn't offended. I defended myself and moved on. But lately, his comment has been pricking me in the eyeball. I lost a lot of weight recently, and consequently, none of my clothes fit the way they used to - which means that nothing is tight. So if I put two and two together in the enlightened fashion that I do, well fitting to tight clothing = feminine. Of course he's going to say that's not it or it's not what he meant, but it's really easy to read into the fact that I'm not looking feminine anymore because my clothes don't fit me like a glove. Call me crazy but I thought that you can look feminine no matter what if your hair is done, you have earrings in your ears, have makeup on your face, carry a purse, wear heels, and switch when you walk. But I guess that's not enough. I don't know if anyone has ever noticed, but Janet Jackson wears baggy clothes all the time, but still looks fancy fresh. But what I'm learning is that mister man doesn't like anything baggy on me.

There's a fine line I tell ya. I'm 27 years old and I don't wear tight revealing clothes like I used to. But yet there's always a way for a 27 year old woman to done tailor made clothes that give her the appearance of a nice silhouette. Unfortunately, I don't have tailor made clothing money. So what is a girl to do while she's broke and skinny? I guess suck it up and keep it moving while she tries desperately to gain weight all the while holding fast to her self-esteem. I'm beautiful no matter what and I have to remember that. Bump what everyone else says. Feminine or not, I'm me.

Wedding Money

The wedding can be no more than 40 people. That means family, a few of the elders and that's it. We're trying to figure out a way to include more people with separate celebrations but for the ones who are long distance, it doesn't really make sense for them to fly in if it's just for a post-wedding party right? I want to ask specific ones how they would feel, but mums the word for now. I don't want to speak on things that don't exist yet. Invitations are such a touchy thing. So sensitive. I'm glad no one has come right out and asked for one though. My baptism was the most important day of my life. If anyone wants an invitation for something, they should have asked for that one.

I'm excited though. Only 30 days to go. I'm not going to lie. One of the most exciting parts of all this are the gifts. I'm sooooo broke right now that I'm actually looking forward to counting dollar signs. If I had a job, I wouldn't think so much on it. But this loan bill is going to hurt me if I can't put money on it after I get married. I really don't want to rely on money I don't have though. So let's find a job j.a.c. I need to make a spa appointment soon. I'm scared to put it on the credit card, especially because these things are usually so expensive, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. I gotta get my lady jewels taken care of. I also want to order a bridal name change kit that has all the forms needed to change my last name. DMV, social security, passport, IRS, etc. but I gotta wait on that too. MJ is applying for a government position, so even if I don't find a job anytime soon, we'll be fine if he gets the job. We've been praying a lot lately over our job searches.

What else needs to be done? Oh. We need to paint the bedroom and order the Ikea wardrobe we picked out. Thankfully Uncle Jim sent us a little pre-wedding assistance to purchase these items. We've actually had the paint for a while. It's been sitting by the door in the condo for months. I hope Ikea still has the wardrobe. I can probably handle painting on my own if MJ preps the room for me. I'm off, so why not?

I wonder how my sisters feel about my pending nuptials. Since I announced the new date, I haven't heard anything from any of them but one. TC even asked me what the others said. Not a word. I guess that's what happens when you set a date, postpone it, plan nothing for a while, and then set another date. I'll send an email out seeing how everyone is though. It's been a while since I've felt sisterly camaraderie. (Lol. TC already replied with some exclamation points and cap letters. You can always count on her! LOL.)

Words

I'm sitting in bed with my back up against the headboard. The window is cracked, but not enough to feel the desirable breeze. I need some air. There's a long "to do" list waiting for me to tackle, but I'm enjoying the moment. The calmness. Calm is where it's at. My therapist says to lock it into adult - the calm part of us. No reason to catapult into over-emphasized emotions because someone else has lost their mind. Just lock it into adult. I can live in this pocket. A state of calm. There are images on my walls that I barely view. Art is supposed to transcend and cause reactions. I used to be an artist. But the art of writing seems to be lost. Text, I.M., Tweet. Who picks up a pen anymore? It's 10am. My Bible study is at 3pm. I'll get some air then, as we sit on the back porch under the Maryland sun, yet sheltered by a big, green umbrella. Time is of the essence. Let's start the clock.

Wedding Planning

I'm in full-fledged wedding planning mode again. And this time I'm excited! We've confirmed the date. May 7th. And no, this will not change. I don't care if I have to drag myself down the aisle. We are getting married on May 7, 2010 if it kills me. I just can't go through another date change. You hear me! Even though the wedding will be small this time around (the April 3rd wedding we planned was for 150+ people), I'm tempted to still put the date on blast so that there's no way we can take it back. But this time, there's really no reason to. We've gone through our fights and our hiccups and still have made it through. We've been tested, and guess what? We still love each other! Go figure! So basically, what I'm trying to say is that nothing will keep me from marrying that man on May 7th. Nothing.

So the dress is at my aunt's house hanging in her guest bedroom closet. I probably need to get the veil back so I can play with it in my hair.

I've decided to wear the old wine/red pumps that my fiance picked out when we first started dating. He loves those shoes. He thinks that they're really sexy and brags about how good of a job he did in picking them (and I must admit that his taste was dead on) so I thought it would be nice to wear them on our big day.

With a splash of red on my feet, I'm considering splashing my nails with red too. I need to set up some additional appointments for beauty regimens.

As far as the makeup goes, I'm want something natural. I did Hollywood glam for the engagement pics, so I want something softer this time around. I need my sis to make an appointment with the makeup artist for me... Ok. I just texted her.

Jewelry. Ugh. I can't even bring myself to figure that out. For some reason, jewelry is so hard for me! Next!

Wedding bouquet. I should probably google some florists today and find out where they get their flowers. I want to make my bouquet myself and have some of the mini cala lillies match my shoes. Perhaps future hubby's tie should match as well? We'll see about that.

Hair. So I have a hair appointment tomorrow at noon to try my other sis' stylist out. She doesn't know that I'll be surveying her work, but I hope she turns out well, because I don't have a plan B. I have an idea of how I want it to look, but I'm not saying too much in case there's a nosey man out there who's reading this.

Since we're having such a small wedding, the photographer/videographer will have to be on point. Future hubby is going to handle that. He mentioned something about his cousin who did all of his other family members weddings. I'm trusting his judgment on this one.

This evening, we're visiting the ceremony site as well as the restaurant that we want to have dinner at. I'm a lot less picky than my parents so if it's up to me, we'll have that signed, sealed and delivered tonight.

Invitations are awaiting the restaurant name, and that's done.

I had to mention to my mother that it's time to start planning a bridal shower. My future mom-in-law called me today and said "so i guess it's not a surprise huh". Nope. Since we've gone through so much back and forth with our wedding date, I figured I should initiate the planning and then let them keep the ball rolling. It's only fair. I know how confusing this all has been. My sisters are planning a less traditional, maybe even less conservative "ladies night in" event that the older ones are not invited to. I'm interested to see how it goes down. Should be fun! Oh. I need to give them a friends list for that. I should do that now.

For the ceremony, I want white lights and some candles. That should be simple. I might pick those up myself next weekend.

Honeymoon. Well I know we aren't really doing a true honeymoon yet, but MJ's dad mentioned helping us to a weekend away in Williamsburg or something like that. The Antigua honeymoon vacay will have to wait.

I'll go pick up his wedding band closer to the wedding. I'm excited to see it. My engagement ring has to be re-sized with my wedding band so I may need to drop it off a bit earlier.

I'm sure there's more but it'll come to me. I was trying to treat this as another small gathering with friends but it's not quite turning out that way. LOL. Se la vie!

Ran-dumb Thoughts

It's 3 something in the morning and I'm wide awake

Went through facebook

Stalking on other people's lives

I need to take more pics for my profile's sake

Stomach is making all sorts of noises

When I'm menstruating, it all goes down

The orchestra in my belly is tuning up

Been over a decade but I'll never get used to this

Had my first wives club outing

All of us sitting at happy hour with rings on our fingers

Never hung with my-aged brides before

Talking about life, husbands, plans, and love

Summer clothes are unpacked and ready to hang

Good thing I lived in LA and invested in cute dresses

Being broke ain't no joke when a new season rolls around

The new flirty 2010 wear will have to wait

I want to wake him up right now just because

He's probably snoring his way into ecstasy

Once he's out, he doesn't wake up

How will it be to sleep next to him for life?

I want to hear more about year one marriage

They say the first is the hardest

Is that why no one talks about it?

Where's all the counsel, advice and wisdom?

Have you heard the commercials?

The ones about Essure?

Permanent birth control without cutting?

Now THIS is genius!

Am I nervous about marriage?

Heck yes, especially there's no way to prepare

Sure you can sharpen the tools in your box - communication, love

But in this case, experience is the best teacher