Instagram: How I Hate Thee...or Love Thee?

I found someone who feels the exact same way as me. The person who knows me the best, my husband, can tell you how I feel about social media. I'm not sure if I verbally lay out my thoughts to him in a clear and concise manner, but my sometimes disinterest and my turn-up of the nose looks whenever Instagram is mentioned probably say a lot. This topic fascinates me: my like-hate relationship with Instagram. I could never put my finger on why until today. Before I share with you the post that made me say 'yes!', I'd like to share that I've taken steps to re-do my Instagram account. Even before I really understood why, I knew I had to stop following the people I know. So I went from following about 300 people down to 100 and back up to 150 or so. I stopped following husbands of girlfriends, I stopped following people I used to know, I stopped following people I see sometimes on a rare occasion. It wasn't easy. As I went from profile to profile, I paused to make sure I really wanted to do this. But you know what question popped in my head as I debated whether to unfollow someone? Will they get mad at me if I'm not tied in to their life? If someone gets pregnant or loses a family member or whatever, and they announce it on social media, will I be at fault for not knowing? And of course when I take a step back and look at that line of questioning, it is amazingly ABSURD. So I tapped the unfollow button...over 200 times.

My feed then got real stupid. Going back and forth between posts from the Jehovah's Witness instagram and Tracee Ellis Ross's Instagram... opening Instagram at all became a waste of time. When I first heard about Instagram, I was in love with it. An outlet to post photography and photography only?! Whaaaaat? A place where I can look at other people's photography, illustrations, thoughts and creative ideas and become inspired! Whaaaat? Reflecting on why I joined Instagram in the first place and not wanting my feed to be stupid, I did some research. The Huffington Post popped up in my search results. "Bored By Your Instagram Friends? Here are 28 Refreshing..." Bam. That's it right there. I read on. "The difficulty is in finding accounts that breathe some much-needed fresh air into..." Yes! "...list of accounts that embody everything that's right about Instagram..." Yes! That phrase resonated with me...'that embody everything that's right about Instagram'. They are so right because there is so much about Instagram that is just so wrong. As I perused the list of refreshing new profiles, my count of people I followed went back up. 50 new little interests. Illustrators, photographers, creative thinkers... Who knew that these people were buried in here among the mass of crap?

But this isn't even the article that inspired this post. One of my recent posts is about my mental and physical cleanse which included a shutdown of social media, so when I saw this written by a woman named Kate Arends... I left Social Media For A Week. This Is What Happened... I clicked immediately. It's quite a long article so for those who aren't interesting in reading the whole thing, let me copy and paste snippets and bold where I had my aha moments.

"I’ve often wondered about the affect technology has on our moods and sense of well-being. We’re social creatures by nature with a thirst for information. Today, there’s no shortage of content to consume, and there’s more people to share it with than ever. Some could argue the digital age is what the industrial era was to the men who build America. Gates, Jobs, Zuckerberg are the new Rockefeller, Carnegie, Morgan.  Technology is our new infrastructure."

"Then there’s mass media. And more specifically, mobile media. The newest trillion dollar industry is built to cater to a more efficient world, expanding seamlessly into the time and space where leisure once lived. Their products are designed to act as our fifth limb– to pull at our pleasure sensors– encouraging maximum usage and consumption of content. Delectable, juicy, uselessly tasty content. As a result, mass media filters into our lives through the devices we rely on to make a living.
That’s where it get complicated for me."

"The little experiment did shed light on my reliance on social media, and in many ways, my mood is just as affected by other distractions on my phone and computer. I’m feeling much better, but I’m still at risk of slipping to another depressive state. All that aside, the process ended up being surprisingly cyclical. I was reminded that my social media footprint was created to promote self-discovery, and that doesn’t have to change, because Wit & Delight existed before it’s content reached millions.  It’s a point of view and a filter; it’s my leisure, my creative laboratory, my outlet. Somehow along the way I forgot to take the time to savor and process these moments myself, and for my little family. Wit & Delight is a part of me– a real, live, human being. A real life that I live, and will continue to live, should I decide to part with social media for good."

Exactly! While Instagram has developed into a source of irritation to me, I first joined because it promoted self-discovery. Before people started following me, I posted. I could care less about likes. I did it for the art. And that art...j.a.photography, j.a.design and whatever else I do should continue no matter if I'm on social media or not.

Reading Kate's article helped me. I'm glad I found her. I'm glad she was one of the 50 people who I decided to follow. My reinvention has already yielded results. I'm thinking more. I'm writing more. I'm inspired. Another reason why Kate's article helped me so much is because the only other person I have to get a relative sense of whether I'm crazy regarding my feelings for Instagram is my husband. And he LOVES Instagram. When I turn up my nose or make a comment about Instagram, he doesn't feel me. As a matter of fact, he loves Instagram for all the reasons why I hate it. So then...I start feeling like I'm the weird one. I kept fighting with myself, having conversations in my head like 'am I crazy? on a whole, doesn't Instagram cause more harm than good based on what it turned into? wouldn't the world be better if we didn't spend hours scrolling through our feeds and actually having conversation with the people to the right and left of us?' So Kate helped me. I'm not crazy. She's even connected social media to her depressive bouts and is asking questions like mine.

As I wrap up, I'll leave you with her thought provoking questions. Hopefully this helps you as much as it helped me in setting my own boundaries and coming to a healthy relationship with social media.

Plenty of people navigate the mobile media world with ease and grace. Plenty of people have unhealthy relationships with mass media and technology. The point of sharing my experiment is to discuss the link between social sharing and our mental well-being, and to raise questions about the relationship and reliance on our digital footprint. 
How real and impactful is an online persona? 
Does this mean it is essential to become more human in the digital world? 
If yes, how do we do it with authenticity, care, and purpose? 
Is curating a hyper-idealized, editorial version of yourself just another way of catfishing your followers? 
How do we be more human without disclosing too much of ourselves? 
Or, will be have to find new ways to cope with our connectedness in order to keep up with an increasingly digital environment?

Update: I just read some of the comments and look what I found! Ha! 

I read a quote on one of my new Instagram pages that mentioned how 'Me too' is one of the most comforting phrases to hear. So to this I say "Me TOO!"

Oh Yeah!

My husband is the bomb y'all. Last night, he surprised me with a Canon 6D camera! No more Rebel Xti! He continues to invest in my gift! I love that man.

Cleanse

Last week was a cleansing week. After my vacation, I was feeling a bit clogged up in more ways than one, so I decided to cleanse my mind and body. Not only did I eat healthy, I avoided television and social media. A week without social media and tv taught me a few things.

1. I should read more. I am reading a business novel at the moment which is kinda interesting. I'm trying to get it read so I can gain some perspective on business issues. If it weren't for my no-tv policy, I wouldn't have started reading it.

2. I don't need to know what's going on in people's lives who I don't talk to on a regular basis. Why am I looking at pictures of a girl who I knew 10 years ago but no longer speak to? Such a waste of time. It's tricky this Instagram thing. It makes you wonder what we were doing before IG. Is IG really good for us as a society? When IG was used to showcase photography, I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. But now.... Eh.

3. There are other interesting things to do other than watch tv! Like talk to my husband for instance! I think my creative process would flow a lot easier if I was forced to fill up time with something other than tv and social media. Photography and interior design used to be loves of mine. Getting rid of distractions to rekindle that fire sounds like a plan.

4. I like not feeling reliant on entertainment to feel content. It feels good to clear out the space, listen to myself think and not feel the need to tune into others lives to be entertained. My life is enough.

JJ

Love Life

Every woman has the exact love life she wants.

Check-In

Hubby is hanging with the fellas tonight. Thus I've been in my arTIST bubble this evening - creating, designing, blogging and now writing. It feels good to get back into the creative zone every now and then. Especially with a very analytical job. It feels like there's very little time to do anything extracurricular now a days. This weekend felt like the first in a LONG time that I got to chill. It rained all day Saturday and for the first time in a while, we had no spiritual obligations today. I literally have not seen the outdoors in two days except for the two times I walked my dog. Laying around with my husband is the best. Now I can't do it every weekend, but once in a while, it's needed.  

I just have to say that marriage has been exceptional y'all. I don't know where this peace is coming from but boooooyyyyyyy is it good. If I could describe my marriage in one word right now, it would 'laughter'. I love hearing hubby laugh and he's been doing a lot of that lately. No matter whether it's brought forth by me or the 15-second Instagram videos he likes to watch, I'll take it. In marriage, laughter can come and go real quick. So when you have it, you gotta cherish it. Needless to say, I'm happy, which mean life is good.

I told my manager that I'm ready for a promotion. I'm not a career driven person at all being that I have another career (my ministry) that's more important to me. However, I've been an analyst for almost 10 years now and the work I currently do exceeds that of an analyst. I simply want to be paid for what I do. It's time. So I wrote my list of accomplishments, an executive summary, a business need and the new job description to fit the work I currently do. My manager keeps saying he can't promise anything, but I know, he knows and executive management knows I deserve this. 

A couple of packages should be at my doorstop this week. Fall is here and I am NOT prepared. I need to switch out my summer clothes at the end of the month. While I'm sure I have things in my storage trunk that I forgot about, I know for sure that these new coats I ordered will be necessary. Being in the ministry with a short coat on is no longer doable for me. I'm not young anymore. My butt can't be out like that. I need something that comes down to my knees at LEAST. I really want a bad, ankle-sweeping, tailored coat but I STILL can't find the perfect one. Until I do, knee or shin length ones will have to do. The next thing I need is a brown bag, tall black heel boots for work and the meeting and wedge heel boots for the ministry. Flats kill my back. A little bit of a lift does wonders for me. 

How's every else doing out there? How's life treating you? Or rather, how are you treating life?

Ran-dumb Thoughts

Good morning...
It's been awhile.
But I wanted to check in.
Say hi to the world.
See how everyone is doing.
Life's been good.
No complaints really.
My allergies are getting aggressive.
That's new for me.

What's on my mind?
Shopping honestly.
I paid off my credit cards last month.
Even though I have one more loan to payoff...
I thought I'd be able to have a 'me' party.
You know.
Shop a little.
Congratulate myself.
I worked hard to get rid of my credit cards.
But as soon as that was done...
Replace the hvac AND the water heater.
So ever since what I thought would be mine is now gone...
I've been thinking about the shopping I could have done.
I haven't bought a pair of jeans in FOREVER.
I need at least 3 new pairs.
A camel coat is desirable in prep for the fall.
A pair of black pumps.
Can you believe I don't own a pair of black pumps?
A black pencil skirt.
Something else basic that I don't own.
For real for real, I need all the basics.
A leather jacket.
Some white t-shirts.
A black blazer.
Black cigarette trousers.
Black, white, nude and gray camis.
I basically need to ground my wardrobe.

I'm in a transition period as far as my photography is concerned.
I looked a my photos one day and all of a sudden hated them all.
My photos are 1-dimensional.
There's no emotion in them.
So I'm on a journey.
I need to book some photo shoots after I figure out what type of day I want to shoot.
September will be the perfect month for shooting.

I am feenin and I mean FEENIN for a trip to Cali.
I'd love to go soon.
Let's see what flights are looking like.
Gotta connect with hubby to see when our money will be right.
Cali in the winter would be perfect.

Duty calls.
Later peeps.

Sweet Lips

Fell in love again. Music never fails me. Music has to be female because she's always right, and perfect when I need her.

Honey just put your sweet lips on my lips. We should just kiss like real people do.

Simplify

A question arose in an article I was reading.

Why not evaluate whether you can simplify your lifestyle? Can you decrease the number of possessions you have or are seeking to acquire?

Hmmm. It is my goal to preach in a foreign country. If I were asked to pick up and move to serve in Italy, Venezuela, Australia or London, would I be ready? Well the answer is obviously no, so what could I give away or trash to work in harmony with my long-term goal?

I have a whole bedroom full of crap in my house. Stuff that I never touch. I could start there. Or what about my expenses? That would affect me immediately if I got rid of some unnecessary expenses.

Utilities
Cable + Netflix
Food
Car + Gas
Hair
Religious Donations

What if we only had one car? We've done it in the past. What if I got rid of either cable or Netflix?

I always feel good when I clean out my closet. In addition to that extra bedroom, closet cleaning is a good place to start. Magazines, papers, trinkets, accessories, my wedding dress... it all needs to go.

International Convention of Jehovah's Witnesses

There's nothing more fulfilling than being a part of Jehovah's organization. Our international convention was remarkable. While our venue was new (FedEx field), distractions were high and we contended with some rain and heat, I am overwhelmed by the amount of love and unity we showed to each other. I am mostly overwhelmed by how much the slave gives and continues to give. I'm talking about the spiritual feast, the organization of a dozen international conventions put together for thousands upon thousands of people all over the earth and the hospitality. Oh the hospitality.

My husband and I were privileged to man the welcome and information desk at the Embassy Suites from 6am - 10am the day before the convention. Sitting there and happily waving to and helping brothers and sisters from different countries, some of who spoke not one lick of English was amazing. As witnesses in our local congregation meetings, we often speak about our international bond and the pure language, but to experience it is a completely different thing. I felt connected to the Brazilian couple who reminded me of me and my husband. The beauty and joy is something I will never forget. I never spoke to them, but we locked eyes, smiled and I waved like a fool to them across the convention corridor. At the information desk, I used my Google translate app to have a conversation with a sister who missed her tour bus. I gave her host directions to the botanical gardens along with my phone number in case anything went wrong. That sister called me and left a beautiful message about how wonderful everything went. When I randomly bumped into her at the convention amongst 60,000 other witnesses, we hugged and hugged and hugged.

Because of the novelty of the experience, I was very distracted. I mean who can concentrate when you are surrounded by 60,000 other witnesses from 20 something different countries. But I did manage to catch a few things. The highlights of the convention program were...

- The interview of the young brother from another country who was imprisoned for 1.5 years just a few years ago for being neutral and a JW. He almost died 3 times in a cell that was completely dark and stuffed with other witnesses.
- The candid and humorous talks given by Brother Morris, a member of the governing body. "Common sense is just not common." "That's just not bright." "I feel sorry for the time Nazis. They must lead a miserable life." His delivery was on point and he encouraged me to do nothing apart from the way Jehovah wants me to do things.
- The 2 videos that were shown depicting what the resurrection will be like and what the 1,000 years will bring after Armageddon is over. Watching that father see his resurrected child for the first time and watching that old man wash his face only to look into a mirror and notice he was young again... truly touching.
- Taking photos of my friend as she was baptized. I am so happy that she was finally able to reach her goal. As a single mother of two boys, I'm sure she was a pristine example to them when she took that wonderful step.
- My sister came Sunday afternoon............ I don't even know what else to say behind that.

I am so delighted with the way Thursday - Sunday went that I am dreading returning to this dreary, problem and stress ridden world. My friend, Shay, sent me a text message about how she could see my husband and wife up on the platform giving an interview one day about our work in the full-time service. It's amazing how many people have said that to us. So when I think about the two choices I have - to go back to work or to be in Jehovah's service - I tend to lean towards the later. I took note of all the missionaries that came out in the end to wave goodbye as they go back to their assignments. I took note of all the email addresses of international friends we could stay with if we travelled abroad. I took note of the different languages and happy blessings that some of the interviewees talked about. I took note of Marcus' old friend who moved to China and is preaching under ban. I wish I could see the world and experience this international brotherhood ALL of the time. Materialism and fear are what I think hold us back. The video release we received at the convention highlighted how strong a part faith plays in not only making big decisions but taking the steps towards those decisions. Faith is one strong fruit of the holy spirit. I can move mountains if you believe in it.

I can't forget to mention how ridiculously amazing it felt that my worldly talents were used for Jehovah. Not only did I get to choreograph a dance for the international delegates who came to visit us, but I also had the opportunity to do some photography work for the dcdelegates.org website - THE official website for the international convention for DC. I also was asked to take our congregation photo which was then given to the international delegates in their gift bags. Being used in this way really helps me to understand that I can be myself and be used by Jah. Having passions and hobbies that are outside of religion are really ok, as long as they don't crowd out spiritual things. So to have those passions be used for spiritual things is even better.

I am moved. So moved by the love the governing body shows for us. To think that it's only a FRACTION of the love that our Almighty God shows for us is...whew. There's no word to adequately describe it.  I am so thankful to have found this religion and to be a part of an organization that demonstrates how the world SHOULD be. Complete unity and love worldwide. May I NEVER take for granted being in Jehovah's love. Thank Jehovah for such a unique and wonderful experience.

Ran-dumb Thoughts

Ignore me. I'm just getting my thoughts out. If you decide to read on, I may sound like a crazy person. So be warned.

I'm on a design-high
There's so much I want to do
But I must get rid of this credit card
I think I'm just going to do it
Transfer from savings and pay it off
Then I'll be free!
I'll use the money I put on pay off plan back into my savings
There
Done
Now what's first?
Powder room.
I need to do a storyboard to gather my thoughts
I also need a chair for my office
And a bulletin board so I can pin up inspiration
Bulletin Board
Chair
New sink fixtures
White paint
Vintage or wood light fixture
Big frame
My black and white art
Clear shelf
Rug for floor
Has anyone ever seen a small rug in a powder room
I want one
If people can have rugs around their toilets, I can have a rug
A black and white rug
Then after that is the fence
While we're saving for that, I will change out all my art
I'm sick of the happy colorful cookie cutter art I have
the 'Be Calm and...' poster
Over it
Then comes the living room
I want to move my furniture around
And get a new rug
Maybe an ottoman instead of the nesting tables
I like to put my feet up too much
A white ottoman
Or something light in color
Or leather!
Gotta make a careful choice
Ok, duty calls
List has been started and thoughts are cleared
Progress

A Positive Outlook

The lovely thing about marriage...well, marriage between two people who have the goal of making their God happy... is that it can only get better. That's the true eventuality of that relationship. Two people who have the goal of making their God happy, want to do things the right way. So with all the lessons learned early in the marriage, both parties can do nothing but mature and grow.

That's my belief. That's really what I base my whole marriage on. And I see it happening. Every time there's a disagreement, it's handled a little bit better than the last. Every time feelings are hurt, someone is a little less offended than before. When situations arise, Bible principles guide one more than previously.

Because, let's be honest. To go in the other direction is a result of stupidity. Even insanity. Why make the same mistakes over and over again? Who does that benefit? In my religion, when you make the same mistake over and over again, the consequences are not easy. That's because my God does not tolerate insanity and stupidity after one has been taught. After you get the lesson, you are expected to do better.

It's no different in marriage. And for that reason, I look forward to seeing where we'll be 10 years out. I'd actually give my thumb (not really because I need my thumb), to be 10 years out and to see how differently we handle situations. I so look forward to seeing where my husband is. How differently will he love me? If the same issue presented itself in 10 years, how different will his reaction be? I look forward to the wisdom that I will gain. What kind of application will I make? What will no longer be an issue for me?

So while I sometimes base my strength in marriage solely on what wonderfulness the future holds, I know that I have to live in today. In the here and now. So I try to not miss the process. The maturation of it all. The little victories we have. I can't forget that next week is also considered the future. With every passing wee, the growth process is existing. Day to day even. As long as I'm taking something I learned and applying to the next week, the next day, the next minute, growth is happening.

I've always been up for challenges in life and I've always gotten through them well. (Not to toot my own horn.) Marriage is so far the most challenging thing I've ever done, but just like in other challenges, I have a good feeling about how I'm doing. I am a perfectionist and I hate to fail, so I am determined to do this right.

So True!

'I love the very idea of breakthrough moments, breakthrough times in our lives. I would have to say that the biggest breakthroughs for me have always happened when I was going through a difficult time and suddenly came across an "aha" moment or an opening.

So what I’ve learned from all of the breakthroughs in my life experience is that not one single thing you ever have to go through, or get through, is wasted. All experiences are greater possibilities for a moment of awakening and enlightenment.' - Oprah

I was just thinking about this idea the other day. I was participating in a Bible discussion about appreciating Jehovah's watchful care and how He helps us endure trials. Two questions arose. What might be one of the reasons why God does not intervene in solving our personal problems? and What realization might help you to avoid becoming impatient when waiting for Jehovah to help you through a trialsome situation? 

I've had the wonderful pleasure of going through some trialsome situations in which I learned more about myself than I would have otherwise. The break-up with my ex, the loss of a relationship with a old friend, a terrible mishap with my first love... Looking back on those experiences, I admit that they were all well-deserved. It was brought up in the Bible discussion that while we may feel that the other party bears most of the blame, God may view things differently. From His standpoint, you may be more at fault than you realize. I think that was the situation for me in ALL of my trials. It taught me a valuable lesson. If you stick to the paths outlined in God's Word, all will be fine. When you veer to the right or left or think you know better than God, bad things happen. Like Oprah said, not one single difficult experience was wasted. I was awakened and enlightened. 

Here's another quote for you from Zoe Saldana. 

“I was a ferocious dancer so therefore I was a ferocious up-and-coming actress. When it comes to auditions, I’m not competitive with anybody. I don’t even know who’s sitting next to me. I wouldn’t even tell you if it was a blonde or brunette. The moment you compare yourself, it weakens you.”

This chick isn't playing. I knew there was a reason I like her. I LOVE that last line.

Questions Answered

Thought I'd take a little time to answer some questions from what I've determined is my favorite website right now.

1. If a doctor gave you five years to live, what would you try to accomplish?
2. What is the difference between falling in love and being in love?
3. Who do you think stands between you and happiness?

1. This is a timely question because I randomly read an article about the actress, Kate Hudson yesterday. Kate has this fly by the seat of her pants attitude. Real bohemian. She does daily meditations and whatever she wants to do, she does. She exercises by dancing around to music intensely until she's tired out and then does an interview immediately afterwards with sweat in her hair. That kind of attitude is so cool to me. If I had 5 years to live, I would cash out of savings and do whatever the heck I want to do. One of those things would HAVE to be traveling. I would dance more too - take some classes. I would also take more photos. Not of other people like I do now. I would capture more of my experiences and take photos of people I meet and places I see. I would then compile them right before I passed to leave them for my family. I would explore more. My city and others have so many gems to be seen. A friend just texted me asking me for furniture spots in DC. I told her I do all my shopping online which is a shame because there are probably all sorts of cool places sprinkled around the city. Oh, I would also see a lot of live music. All kinds of music. I don't care what it is. Long story short, I would try to accomplish the feeling of freedom, love and peace. Real bohemian of me huh?

2. The difference is that one is short term and the other is long term.

3. What ultimately stands between me and happiness is this current dark, twisted, festering system and the imperfection that feeds it. Happiness looks like not having to grind for a human/corporation who can give two craps about me, having a family with mini-mes or opposite-of-mes (lol), dealing with people who just want to love and do for others all the time. But while I'm living in it, what stands between me and happiness is...hmm... I don't know. I feel like the right answer should be 'myself', but I'm not sure if I would be true to my feelings if I said that. I know it's probably true. I mean it always comes back to ourselves. But taking a step back, this question assumes that I'm not already happy. I'm happy given the circumstances of this world. 

Here's another deep question. What gives your life meaning? 

I just sent texted this out to a group. Hard question to answer. What say you?

The Ride of Our Lives

I said it once, I said it twice, I said it three times and I have to say it again. Has a song every captured your heart so obsessively that you write a blog about it every single time you hear it?

I gave love one more last time

Not what I expected, it was true perfection

Still I wasn’t sure you fit my rhyme

Like a poets letter streaming words together forever

Then you gave me life through a precious little girl

She changed my focus and helped me notice

That that’s what love is

I wanted it

You wanted it

We had to see

What this felt like

We wanted it

Once we got to it

We had a peek

Spending way more time

Somehow this feeling

Is kinda splendid

Once we start

We shifted into overdrive

What we both wanted

Now we both on it

The ride of our lives

I knew from the first glance, I was frozen

Fresh like a photo car on the show floor

Staring at perfection, gone in 60 seconds

Instant upgrade with this affection

As the passion rose like a speedometer

On the dashboard, I put my petal to the floor

I put it right there, and I floated right through your front door

That’s what the seat belt is for

I wanted it

You wanted it

We had to see

What this felt like

We wanted it

Once we got to it

We had a peek

Spending way more time

Somehow this feeling

Is kinda splendid

Once we start

We shifted into overdrive

What we both wanted

Now we both on it

The ride of our lives

Let’s take it to the next level

You made me rearrange my life for you

We never knew how special

And I know that’s it worth it, I know that it’s worth it

This life’s so incredible

Cuz I see the same look in that little girl’s eyes

We both make it work

We’re gonna make it work

Cuz I’ve earned the right to say this time

- Jon B.

This song makes me remember who I am and what I want and what my life is about. It re-centers me and helps me to find myself again. I can't explain it. It's like my light is dimmed. Certain parts of me are suppressed. My values and desires are compromised. And then, all of a sudden, I hear the twinkling intro and I remember who I am. This song is everything I want and has every sentiment I've ever dreamed of having in my life as a woman. It touches me over and over and over again. 

Love

Romance

Sweetness

Tenderness

Family

Children

Passion

Connection

Soul mate

Special

Femininity
Partnership
Companionship

Chemistry

Desire
Harmony

I feel all of this and more. This song means everything to me because it represents everything I ever wanted my life to be.

Manage

I feel like there's a tornado swirling somewhere close to me. Close enough that all the wind, rain, dust and debris is affecting my visibility. I'm even getting hit my some of it. I have cuts and bruises, scrapes and some lashes. It's rough out here.

You know how you know you should pray, but you don't even know what to pray for. That's my current situation. I wonder if it's normal for someone to deal with so much stuff at work and still be strong.

My job situation is heavy in so many ways. Not only is the work heavy but the politics are so muddy that I feel like I'm standing in quick sand. I don't understand what's going on. My family members and friends tell me what's going on. I know factually what's going on. But even though I hear everyone and agree, I still can't see past the quick sand. My co-worker gets a promotion and she's excited. Boss asked me if I wanted a promotion and I'm torn. I have a conflict that other people don't have. I have to think with two sides of my brain. The one everyone in this office thinks with and the one that no one in this office has - a spiritual mindset. I know it's not fair to say because I don't know everyone else's life, but my life is so much more complex than theirs! I just know it! Bump not being fair. Their life issues are temporary. They affect the here and now which won't be around too much longer. My issues affect the here and now and forever!

So with my work situation feeding into my spiritual situation, I naturally start thinking, 'why am I doing this? why spend my time dealing with politics and toil when we're so close to the end? there's something else so important, that i could be doing with my time!' Pioneering, auxiliary pioneering, part-time work, quitting altogether, immersing myself in life-saving work, moving to a place where the need is greater, sharing spiritual goals with my life partner...

And then there's that. Sharing spiritual goals with my life partner or not. My life partner loves his job, he loves living where we live, he doesn't have the circumstances to pioneer. So do I do this alone? Does that mean I can never serve where the need is great? Should I just stay still and push through the politics and toil? Should I do what I don't want to do?

I'm so overwhelmed with this life I have. I'm standing at a fork in the road. Such a pivotal place in life. So close to the end. I want to make the right decision. I don't want to stand in quick sand. I don't want to do this secular type work anymore. I want to be free of corporate America and do what I've been commanded to do by the superior authority. How do I go with what my gut is telling me and not be selfish in my marriage? I feel like I'm losing air and I'm trying to survive. I'm an all or nothing type and I can't apologize for that. I can't be forced into thinking that there's fault in an all or nothing personality. I like to jump in with both feet and take challenges head on. That's just who I am.

So while I have one foot stuck in concrete and the other out the door, how do I manage?

I keep giving these Bible studies as if I have it all together. I need someone. I need a support. I need someone to give me what I give to others. A spiritual mom. I need someone.

Hell Yeah

don't it seem like every time you try and progress
something's always holding you back
waiting on line for my piece of the pie
but there's none left

my people just tryna get by
but the devil all in the way

we just tryna live right
but the devil all in the way

they say we're living in hell here
hell yeah

when will all this senseless violence end
when will it be safe for people to live again
tax the poor almost half to death while the rich live lavish
we're just dying to live

my people just tryna get by
but the devil all in the way

we just tryna live right
but the devil all in the way

they say we're living in hell here
hell yeah

I know a place where ain't nobody crying
I'll take you there
I know a place where ain't nobody dying
I'll take you there

- Stacy Barthe

This song is so real to me. The Devil is surely all in the way. But Jehovah is testing my spiritual fitness and using the one closest to me to do it. I couldn't be more in need of a place and time where there are no more tears and pain. I just need to hold on while walking in this selfish, cruel, disgusting world. I hate the influence it has on my family. Jehovah wants me to win and has confidence in me, so I will pray for Him to help me hold on.

My Truth

I know something about myself. If my job is stressful, my whole life is stressful. When my job is overwhelming, my life is overwhelming. When things are tough on the job, I can't think and there is no peace. It plays that much of a role in my life. My job affects me in a manner far more than I wish it to. That's just the way it works for me. And it's understandable being that I spend more time at work than at home. The majority of my days alive are spent on the job... When I think about that last sentence I just typed, I feel disgusted because this was not the way our lives were intended to be. Our only 'job' is supposed to be living in Jehovah's wonderful creation, subjecting creatures of the land to ourselves, and procreating. That's it.

But since imperfection prevails and our original purpose has been thwarted by sin, I need to figure out what to do. What truly makes me happy has nothing to do with work. Going to the theatre, listening to music, being outside in the sun, writing while laying in the grass, capturing beauty with a camera lens, exploring new destinations, learning about new ways of thinking, making things look lovely... That what makes me happy. How to translate that into a job that doesn't stress me out, that allows flexibility, allows me to experience something new everyday, and that provides me with enough income seems impossible. The idea of looking for another job that fits me...Ugh. Stressful. I truly believe it doesn't exist. I've had this same conversation with myself for 10 years now. I've had this same battle for TEN whole years. A DECADE. And as a result, I've bounced around from job to job in pursuit of something that I can't find.

I think I'm a flower child at heart but a corporate woman by mind. What I want most out of life is peace. I love beauty and breezes. I am attracted to the sun and happy faces. But what I've been engineered to do is manage projects, run meetings and administer systems. What really sucks about the whole thing is how well I play the corporate woman role. I play it so well in fact that managers and executives see it and push me harder until I get deeper and deeper into the web. It would all be so much easier if I sucked at my job.

I'm afraid of not having enough money. As frivolous and material as that sounds... That's why I'm afraid to pursue anything drastically different than what I'm doing right now. That's why I'm afraid to pursue what makes me happy. I've been tight with money and it is not the business. I haven't had those kinds of money issues in a while and I will admit that I'm extremely spoiled. I don't want to struggle financially. If I want a $300 dress for the assembly, then that's what I want. I'm entitled to that. ESPECIALLY after how hard I work. If I work a job that I enjoy, I find it hard to believe I'll even have $300 to buy a dress.

Some say that it's possible, but I don't believe them. I'll have to start out at the bottom all over again.

My current job is for someone who wants to climb the corporate ladder. It's for someone who wants to be seen. It's for someone who wants to be in the corporate "in" crowd. It's for someone whose life is their job.

I don't believe I should take the promotion. Yep. That's where this is leading me to. I think I'm finally coming into some clarity.

Finally.

Update: My mom read my blog and reminded me of this quote from the movie After Earth with Will Smith. “Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.” Now... how to actually incorporate this into my truth...Gotta mull that one over.

Therapist

I feel like I'm losing control of my life. The stress and weight of everything is unsurmountable.

My job is... sigh. It's so heavy I have trouble putting it into words. Overwhelming, stressful, taken advantage of, catch 22, in between a rock and a hard place, political, b.s., they-think-I'm-stupid. That's what comes to mind. Have you ever heard of a manager who says that he wants to give someone a promotion and then tells them to go and design it all under the guise of 'needing help'? I feel like I'm being carried. I need to talk to Ms. Cheryl. Because I don't know what to do.

How do I keep all of this in line and checked against my spiritual obligations? That's not something Ms. Cheryl can help me with.

Financially, I'm overwhelmed.

Marriage wise, I'm just... It's just not a good time for any hiccups there. I don't have the energy. I can't take another stress load.

I'm going to crack soon. I need to talk to a therapist. There is too much on my back.

My Eyes Well Up

Today, I told my 18 year old grandson that nobody asked me to prom when I was in high school, so I didn’t attend. He showed up at my house this evening dressed in a tuxedo and took me as his date to his prom.

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O- blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin brother has O- blood. I explained to him that it was a matter of life and death. He sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to his parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took his blood and he asked, “So when will I die?” He thought he was giving his life for hers. Thankfully, they’ll both be fine.

Today, my 21 year old Labrador can barely stand up, can’t see, can’t hear, and doesn’t have enough strength to bark. But it doesn’t stop her from wagging her tail a mile a minute every single time I walk into the room.

Today, after I heard that my mom stayed home from work with the flu, I stopped by Wal-Mart on my way home from school to pick her up some canned soup. I ran into my dad who was already in the check-out line. He had 5 cans of soup, NyQuil, tissues, tampons, 4 romantic comedy DVDs and a bouquet of flowers. My dad makes me smile.

Today, my 75-year-old grandpa who has been blind from cataracts for almost 15 years said to me, “Your grandma is just the most beautiful thing, isn’t she?” I paused for a second and said, “Yes she is. I bet you miss seeing that beauty on a daily basis.” “Sweety,” my grandpa said, “I still see her beauty every day. In fact, I see it more now than I used to when we were young.”

source

Questions

Hubby and I have found that our conversations are rudimentary. They are not particularly interesting, deep or inspiring. We talk about work, our dog, what's on the calendar, and when we need to schedule a cleaning day. So in an effort to expand our conversations, we've googled 'thought provoking questions'. In my search, I found this link to be very enlightening in more ways than one. I love these questions for us and for myself so I'm sharing. Here are the first 10. As you answer, check and see if you find anything interesting about yourself.

1. When was the last time you tried something new?
2. Who do you sometimes compare yourself to?
3. What’s the most sensible thing you’ve ever heard someone say?
4. What gets you excited about life?
5. What life lesson did you learn the hard way?
6. What do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago?
7. Do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know?
8. Who do you love and what are you doing about it?
9. What’s a belief that you hold with which many people disagree?
10. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

Proverbs 31

Who can find a capable wife?
Her value is far more than that of corals.
Her husband trusts her from his heart, And he lacks nothing of value.  
She rewards him with good, not bad, All the days of her life.  
She obtains wool and linen; She delights to work with her hands. 
She is like the ships of a merchant,
Bringing her food in from afar.  
She also rises while it is still night, Providing food for her household And portions for her female servants. 
She sets her mind on a field and buys it; She plants a vineyard from her own labors. 
She prepares herself for hard work,
And she strengthens her arms.  
She sees that her trading is profitable; Her lamp does not go out at night.  
Her hands seize the distaff, And her hands take hold of the spindle. 
She extends her palm to the lowly one, And she opens her hands to the poor. 
She does not worry about her household because of the snow, For her whole household is clothed in warm garments.  
She makes her own bed covers.  
Her clothing is of linen and purple wool.  
Her husband is well-known in the city gates,
Where he sits among the elders of the land.  
She makes and sells linen garments
And supplies belts to the merchants.  
She is clothed with strength and splendor, And she looks to the future with confidence. 
She opens her mouth in wisdom;
The law of kindness is on her tongue.  
She watches over the activity of her household, And the bread of laziness she does not eat. 
Her children rise up and declare her happy; Her husband rises up and praises her.  
There are many capable women, But you—you surpass them all.  
Charm may be false, and beauty may be fleeting,
But the woman who fears Jehovah will be praised. 
Give her the reward for what she does,
And let her works praise her in the city gates.

Burden

It's times like this that I miss California. If I were back on the west coast, my day would go something like this.

Go to work in semi warm weather, come home for lunch for a 30 minute nap, go back to work for a few more hours, get off at 4. I'd go home, change my clothes and grab either a blanket or a beach towel. Depending on the intensity of sun, I'd choose a peaceful afternoon in the park by my house with a book and my headphones or an afternoon of tanning at the beach 10 minutes from my studio.

What I'm feigning for right now is that beach scene. The sounds of the beach and the ocean, the chance to rest and think. The smell of saltwater. The glistening of the sun on the blue abyss.

I don't know what is happening in my life right now, but I am insanely, tear jerkingly exhausted. Really, I could cry. But it might not be that bad if all I was was tired. My schedule is a struggle. You ever seen a machine in a factory that just goes up and down over and over again and pounds repeatedly on the object below it? And it never stops? The stress it exerts on the item below it never weakens? The force and mass of weight it carries is enormous? That's how my schedule is. It never lessens. The pounding doesn't quiet down. The weight never decreases.

There's always a burden on me. I'm always concerned about him. My thoughts are always pushing me to keep going for him. What is he going to eat? If I don't meal plan and think grocery shopping through, he's going to eat junk and be unhealthy. Did I do enough laundry for him? If he sees me sitting/watching tv/trying to take a moment, is he feeling some kind of way about what I'm NOT doing and what hasn't been done. I hate to say this as well, but I'm always concerned about HIM as well. Any moment of free time I have at work needs to be for studying. At 6pm everyday, I need to stop and read the Bible. Bible studies need to be prepared for. Bible studies need to be had.

I have absolutely no time for me. Got a stack of magazine I would like to browse. Can't. Got chipped polish on my nails I need to change. Can't. Want to catch up on shows without feeling guilty. Can't. Need a quiet minute without worrying about what my dog is chewing on. Nope. Would like to organize my closet. Sorry. I'm interested in going to see a foreign film. Too tired. The art that's sitting on my bench needs to go up. Can't organize my thoughts to get the wall painted first. Want to beadboard my powder room. Nope - money for bridesmaid duties come first. Want to take my dog to a dog park to be with other dogs. No energy. Want to write in my journal. No time.

As much as I love my husband and my dog, I need time away. I wish I could be single for two weeks so I can find me again. My feet are not under me. They are way behind me, two blocks behind me. My mind is constantly racing thinking about all the things that need to be done. I have to stay on top of everything. Even right now, the list in my head is long.

I need to call my mom.

Today's Thoughts

Artistic Thoughts
For the visual arts. Photography. Paining. Designing. Sometimes it's better to not have a plan, just go. Natural. Capture real life. Organic. Instinctual. Raw. No Fear. Attack. It's not always perfect and still looks beautiful. That's what sets the art apart.

Dog Thoughts
My dog is super attached to me. He's acting funny. I think I'm giving off a special chemistry.

New Life Thoughts
I love my life right now. What I fear most about having a baby if that ever were to happen is the massive extent to which my life will change. I don't want to lose anything I love in order to gain a child. "Just because you become a mother, it doesn't mean you lose who you are." I will stand by this philosophy if I'm ever in that situation. "You can have your child and still have fun and still be sexy and still have dreams..."

Novelty Thoughts
Novelty is good. It's great in regards to music and relationships. That's when your interest is at its highest. When the novelty wears off, so does your interest. The way to remedy that declining eventuality is to minimize your exposure. Take it a little at a time. Then your interest will last longer.

Personal Development Thoughts
If I had 4 walls, I have one more to tear down. I enjoy being all things. Mature, Fun, Intelligent, Down-to-earth, etc. But there's one more... That's the major difference between the old me and this me. I am so many things at once. Crawling into all secret facets of myself is revealing. Comfortable in my skin. It's peaceful being complex and diverse.

BJ The Chicago Kid - Pineapple Now-Laters

I am absolutely in LOVE with this album. His lyrics. His voice. His message. Everything about it is perfect. So perfect that I gotta type out these lyrics!

"Aiight" - BJ the Chicago Kid
Girl let me lay you down baby and give you what you need yeah
In my bedroom
I'm rough when necessary but I'm guaranteed to please
...
And when we start to kiss and we'll both be listening
To the sounds of our hearts
Girl we can do it all
Night
And when we start to touch and we'll both be lovin
Every moment of tonight
Alll this can happen babe if you just say "aiight"
Baby just say "aiight"
Girl now that I'm inside baby, I just can't keep my cool
In my bedroom
...
I'm loving what I'm feeling but it's so much we can do baby
...

Bliss

At this very moment, I should be working. But something has been nagging at me that I must record. A lot of times, we tend to remember the bad and not the good. We gravitate towards drama and live in the past. We blog or write or talk to others when there is something wrong. So in an effort to break from this mold, I've decided to write about this wonderful and amazing sense of bliss that I feel right now.

Last night, my husband put together a closet for himself. I noticed that there were wrappers and instructions and cardboard pieces all over the floor so I went downstairs to get a trash bag and tidy up his space. While trashing all the trash, I joked to him about how I don't want to see not another piece of trash on the floor now that he has this trash bag. We laughed. A little bit later, I came back and he just so happened to be peeling the plastic off another part for the closet. I almost walked away, but then came back to peak around the corner to make sure he put the plastic in the trash and not on the floor. Out of an effort not to be policed, hubby laughed at me and chucked the plastic right on the floor. I don't know why this was so funny, but we both laughed so hard as I ran up to him to physically accost him. "You ain't going to stand there and police ME." Even after that episode was over, I caught myself still smiling and giggling in the next room.

I love experiences like that. My marriage is so divine at this moment.

Have you ever met a friend who expands your mind? Well hubby and I have. We are currently 'dating' a new couple who we both absolutely adore. I say dating because we are always out together at a restaurant tasting new foods, enjoying stimulating conversation and wearing our best attire. We have had such amazing conversation. They have introduced us to restaurants that blow my mind. Little lounges and bars that are tucked away. Next on the dating agenda is the ballet at the Kennedy Center and a weekend trip to NY. What I like about them most of all is the effect they have on my man. The ballet, frolicking around NY, going out on a weeknight...all activities my hubby did not enjoy are finally interesting to him. His mind is open and I'm loving it.

In general, without the effect the new couple, my husband is growing. He's maturing. He's becoming wise. He's enjoying life. He's enjoying me. He's no where near the man that I married. I'm falling in love with him all over again.

I did have an awkward moment with my sisters this weekend. My longest and closest friend turned sister and I have a strange relationship. We talked through it yesterday, but even within the weirdness and the possibility that an area of my life might not be perfect, my world is still so amazing. I believe the balance of other areas of my life are making me capable of handling anything right now. Having happiness I can cling to makes difficulty not so bad.

I've always wanted a life were my weeks don't blend it to the other. I've always wanted to be outside and to explore new sites and sounds. I've wanted a man in my life who is open minded, cultured, funny, interesting and loving. I've wanted to be involved in fiend relationships that are easy. I've always needed an element of peace.

I can say at this very moment, I have all of that. That's my definition of living. Thus, the quality of my life is amazing. And I must document this.  

Fool For You

I'm coming with terms with how powerful these lyrics are as I listen to Alice Smith's cover of Cee-Lo's amazing song. They are so intense and deep. This right here is LOVE. It can dang on near make you cry.

That deep, that sweet, that soaking
That wet, that fire, that powerful stuff
That up and that down, that front and that back
Baby, I can't seem to get enough

Ooh baby, let me do it, let me do it 'til I'm satisfied
Oh baby, now right now, baby, I ain't got no more pride
Oh, sweet sugar, I surrender
I don't want no other man, baby, you win

And you ain't never got to worry, ever got to worry
You'll never be alone again
There's nothing, there's nothing
That ooh, that I wouldn't do, ah, ooh

Write a song about it, daddy
Everybody know who I'm talking to

Read more: Cee Lo Green - Fool For You Lyrics | MetroLyrics

And maybe I'm just getting it because of how serious Alice Smith is in this performance. She turns this thang OUT and brings up an emotion that overwhelms me.