Lame

i swear that blog world is dead. no one is on here like they used to. we all used to be pressed to rush on blogworld to see what was going on in each other's lives or to just to comment on someone else's post whether you read it or not to evoke a response on yours. what happened to those days? we had a little community on here too where everyone pretty much trafficked to each other in circles. if your blog was listed on one friends "blogs I read" column, then it was on everyone's.

so what happened?

well here's my hypothesis. after a while, posts start to become redundant. after years of loyalty, the topics start to get annoying and old and i start thinking to myself, "well apply to school already!" or "when will you learn that you need to dump him?" or "please don't tell me you're complaining AGAIN?" it is indeed true that we pretty much stick with our same set of issues. but umm... people... [blank stare]... you do realize that that's not good right?

so that brings me to the point of this whole blog.

are we evolving as human beings, or stuck in a cycle of crap. i can only answer that personally. i know i'm not the same person that i was when i first started this blog in '06, but i wonder if my subconscious thoughts, which definitely come out in my writing, have progressed. do i pretty much stick to the same things? and i don't mean preferences. yes, i prefer to write ran-dumb thoughts, things about fashion, love and relationships (bah!), career happenings, etc. but when i'm really writing, and about meaningful things, what is it about? the scriptures say that out of the heart's abundance the mouth speaks. so when i'm writing the truth, what does my heart say? is it any different from what it said 3 years ago?

that's a good question. but quite frankly, i don't have the time to do the research and analysis. the only thing i know is that blogs are beginning to drive me crazy. they never change. even with my personal journal writing... i don't even wanna crack it open to write out the same crazy mind-rants that i'm sure i've written before. what's the point? the things that i thought were sooo important back then, make absolutely no ripple in my pond now-a-days. i don't even know what's important anymore. what are we all talking about?!

can you believe it's come down to blogging about having nothing to blog/write about? lame.

Training for Balance Sheet Recs - Tuesday, 3pm

They're giving me something else new to learn! OMG! Leave me alone! I just barely finished my first month of the 5 new duties you gave me last month! Yes I finished everything, but with massive headaches, late night hours, and a couple of tears. I barely got through it! I NEED a minute. Please allow me time to get comfortable with what I have first. Pleeeeeeeaaaaaasssseeeee. I beg of you.

Ran-dumb Thoughts

I feel good today.
I'm finally "going back to Cali" in September for my girl's wedding.
She got engaged this month.
I love quick engagements.
That's what's up when you know what you know.
I forgot that this weekend was a holiday weekend so that was a nice surprise gift for me.
I neeeeeed a day off and a short work week already.
I want to take advantage of Monday too.
Do something I don't normally do.
It could be a spa day or something.
Maybe take a drive down to the beach Betsy was talking about.
The sister I study with asked me if seeing my sis and her bf together affects me at all.
In an emotional envious type of way.
I understood where the question was coming from, but I had to laugh.
Those two don't affect me like that.
They're never affectionate around me, and even if they were, I'd be grossed out.
They don't evoke those 'awwww' sentiments.
And I never see them.
Chillin with the fam is not something they do.
I'm so excited about the American Idol finale!
Kris Allen all the way baby!
JennWill and I are still going down to New Olreans whether we have Essence Music Festival txts or not.
Spontaneity at its best.
How could we NOT have a good time?
I read an article on Jennifer Hudson on the train this morning.
She bores me to death.
There is nothing likable about her.
Her and Chrisette Michele.
I love my Madewell white jeans!
Might need another pair.
Perhaps this time from J.Crew though.
I should get some classic ones.
I need summer work pants too.
I'm hungry.
There needs to be free bagels on Tuesdays too, not just Mondays.
You know what else they give us free here?!
I totally forgot how valuable this is!
Gentleman, ignore the next couple of lines.
They give us feminine products!
The bathroom is stocked full of them.
Now you know that's super exciting!
I have a couple of things to hit and quick at work today.
I'm going to be super focused and get them done so I can reward myself this afternoon.
Did I tell you that I've been feeling needy recently.
Man, I can't wait until this goes away.
PmS, what can ya do?
I need some new music, bad.
I'm tired of Drake, Jesse, Little Brother, Keri and Kid Cudi.
Is anyone hitting the airwaves anytime soon?
Sheesh.
Maybe I should stop by Target and pick up that 3-CD Prince set.
That should keep me entertained for a while.
Gosh I'm hungry.
Let's see what's in the vending machine this morning.
Tee hee hee.

Aveeno

I'm in love with Aveeno. From the bath and shower gel to the lotion and back. Even though I've been using it for years, I just realized that I am positively in love with the stuff. From today on out, I promise to never stray from my Aveeno products. I got a huge tub of Intense Relief Repair Cream from one of the beauty give-a-ways when I used to work for Essence, that is to die for. I mean, I never have to lotion up more than once. And even on a day that I become haphazardly lazy and fail to roll out my beauty regiments, my skin still feels silky. I love it! I've finally found a product that kisses my skin. Yoo hooo!

Oh! I heard that Ambi was pretty great too. I may take a dabble of someone else's tube of lotion if I ever come across it. Oh and Neutrogena Makeup Removal Cleansing Clothes are the truth. But yeah, Aveeno for life baby!

I'm The Leading Lady In My Own Movie

I feel it again! That adorable, happy sensation called love! I just watched one of my favorite movies ever and I feel like I saw, heard and felt things that I hadn't the first 10 times that I've seen it. The score, the one liners, the looks... they all made me feel it! It's honestly been a while since I've felt that blushing moment when someone says they love you for the first time. And even though it didn't happen to me per se, the movie helped me to realize that I'm grateful for the sensation. The blushing feeling, the goosebumps, the swelling warm heart, etc. I'm grateful that it all exists, and I know that I hopefully will feel it again. Someday. I feel like calling someone and being mushy with them, but since I don't have that option I'm trying to write down this thing inside of me. Word for word. Emotion for emotion.

What this movie does though, is makes me want to be truthful with the idea of "love". It makes me take a candid picture of myself and evaluate whether or not I love the way I want that next man to love me. As free, spontaneous and fun as I want my future relationship to be, this movie pushes me claim spontaneity and fun in my own life. I have to admit, I am bit of a stickler, so it takes work for me to let go and be silly. It takes work for me to be free and emit rays of sunshine and energy. But that's why I love movies! They help you to realize emotions and to see things in characters that you want to toy around with for yourself.... Wait a minute... I have a thought here... follow me on this one if you will... Sooooo, I think that characters in movies are idealized versions of people that writers really would like to see in the world. People with extremely open hearts or people with vast amounts of guts - those who turn their dreams into realities. So since we're kinda seeing a fantasy version of what the world should really look like (through a writer eyes)....you know, the things that make life beautiful....I like to take a little piece of it with me and add it to my personality. This might not make ANY sense at all, but the moral of the story is that I LOVE movies and I LOVE what they do to me. I love who they help me to become. And as a result for my love of movies, I have this whole concept of 'creating movie moments' in my own life that I like to do from time to time. I become the leading lady in my own movie. Yep! I've always wanted a knight in shining armor to say to me what so and so said to his leading lady in that romantic film, but since I've wised up and realized that life ISN'T a movie in other people's minds, I need to take the lead and create my own movie moments. I did so recently and I'm sure - actually 100% positive - that my co-lead will never forget that moment. It was movie-perfect.

So if you haven't seen "The Holiday" with Cameron Diaz, Jack Black, Jude Law, and Kate Winslet, rent it now. It's an extremely underrated film. I relate to it in so many ways. And it's deep too because it's honestly about being the leading lady in your own movie. The movie is simply divine.

T.G.I.F.

You have no idea how happy I am that it's Friday. This week was no joke. I swore I was ready to pass out at least 4 times at work. And it didn't help that I had a stress attack Wednesday. My co-worker said she felt bad for me. =/

But this weekend is going to be all about me! My parents are going away for the anniversary and I'm super excited for some peace or extreme stereo blasting loudness, depending on the mood that I'm in.

Here's the weekend round-up.

Tonight - I wanna keep it low-key. Maybe I'll hit the movies. Anyone saw Next Day Air? My sis will be gone tonyt too though. It'll be nice to have an entire house to myself. I might have to take advantage of that.

Saturday - Service in the morning and Drake's concert at night. OH! I gotta get my car emissions tested! I think I'm late too. Definitely gotta do that tomorrow. I need to look into getting four new tires too. And a tune up. Missy needs to be refreshed.

Sunday - After the meeting and family worship, I think I'll make it a Netflix day. I also have this scrapbook that I want to start working on. My scrapbook of inspiration. Quotes that I like, fashions I admire, scriptures I want to keep close, women I look up to, pics of friends I can't live without... stuff like that. Stuff that makes me me.

So yeah that's it.

What are your plans this weekend?

I Feel Like A Man

Due to a late night at the office, I was privy to spend time with the co-worker who I thought I was going to eventually have to fight. lol. In our hour together, we talked about everything including... dun dun duuuuuun... love and relationships. I learned that my co-worker, who is from Pakistan, had an arranged marriage not even 6 years ago. As discussions continued, I told him that I wish I could have an arranged marriage and that I would totally trust my parents to pick the best future husband for me.

As a result, since last night, I've been thinking alot about why I feel this way and even had a few discussions this morning about it. Here are some snippets below.

me: yes bump romantic love

MJ: what kind of love do you believe in then?

me: i believe that it exists, but i don't really have any faith in romantic love. i've had that plenty times before and it ended in chaos. i believe in agape but in terms of romantic love...

i would rather be set up, and let it come afterwards. everyone falls "in love". it's flimsy. like a piece of paper. Jordan Sparks has a new song called Love Is A Battlefield. i hate to say this, but i feel her! i don't want to be cynical and "damaged" per se, but i don't know. Jordan says to get your armour and i think that's real.

MJ: it sucks because things shouldn't be like that...barriers are built up of course from past hurt and those barriers are not broken down as soon as you get into a relationship but don't let that past hurt punish your next BF

me: yep i know i'll be careful

MJ: its a balancing act! and super hard

me: it won't be blatant that i'm weary. i won't push that in anyone's face but i will be very quiet. i can see myself just sitting back and watching

MJ: yeah... listen. very important... keep ur eyes open to potential issues, while avoiding excess scrutiny since no one is perfect

MJ's last statement hit home for me. I've always known how I would handle future situations, but never knew how to express it.

And then my other co-worker said this:

I think the love brings the two people together, however a marriage isn't going to work unless a few other things happen (mutual respect, compassion, ability to compromise, etc...). In addition, I think one of the biggest reason why they don't work is because people don't hash over enough potential issues that may arise after marriage. I can go on all day about this!

And finally, here's where my issue is illuminated.

me: love is overrated. let me correct myself. romantic love is overrated.

BT: romantic love is overrated....hmmm....i think in the beginning its there, then over time the relationship becomes very ummm...like, shyt becomes practical after a while. like the love is there but it becomes more functional. thats the word,functional. like who takes care of what...who specializes in this...how can you both work to make this/that work...yada yada. compromise. functional. so u know...love will always be there but people have issues with the functional aspects. if that makes sense.

me: EVERYONE falls in love. most don't know how to stay there. so i saw let's get the other stuff together first. compromise, respect, trust, etc. and THEN see if there's romantic love. and even with all of that, the things that hold two people together, i can understand wanting a relationship to be hot and heavy. like where's the passion! why isn't he cupping my face in his hand and staring deep into my eyes?! yeah well, umm, bump that!!!! you can give that to someone else! i feel like i'm turning into a man. lol. i don't wanna be this way!!!!

I'm not even sure how to put a conclusion on this. I guess it just leaves a whole lot of questions (which I honestly do know the answer to). I don't want to appear hurt, but do I? Could my heart be a little iced over? Will it be harder for the next dude? Either way, Raplh Waldo Emerson said it best, "Experience Is The Best Teacher." And as for me, I learn from the past.

What's Your Take?

Idol Talk

Kris Allen is THE MAN!

Did you see him perform Kanye's "Heartless"? How bold was he to do that?! When he announced he was singing that song, I was very confused, but I can happily say that there was no need to have no fear because Kris Allen was there! He was all up IN that song. I must say that it was a great rendition. Smart song choice Kris! Because if Kanye hears that, and doesn't allow his ego to overshadow the fact that it was a great interpretation of the song, Kris might even get 'Ye's backing. =O And you know once Kris is accepted into the hip hop click, it's over. How exciting would that be for Kris!?

I really hope Kris wins. The other two are great singers, but Kris has that X factor. Danny has a wonderful Teddy Pendergrass, David Ruffin sound to his voice, but his stage presence is lackluster. That man can't hold my attention visually no better than a cow in a farm eating grass. Adam... I don't know about him. I'm just tired of him screaming at me all the time. And all of this acting... oh gosh! Paaaalease! He's just not likable to me. And it doesn't help that he's playing modest. Always mouthing 'thank you' and nodding at the judges. *rolling my eyes* Give it up Adam. You know you want to tell everyone you're the best. I bet he wishes he could get the "humble" epithet that the judges and Ryan give Kris. Yeah well Adam, you must not be that great of an actor after all.

Like I said earlier, Kris has it all. He's not as vocally powerful as Danny and he doesn't have as many octaves as Adam, but Kris' package is complete. Not only is he good looking and has a fantastic voice, but he has stage presence AND can play musical instruments! I feel like people are overlooking that fact. The piano and the acoustic guitar people. Come on. I know this is a singing competition, but seriously. When has Idol ever really been just about singing? All the talk about becoming marketable, having confidence, being original, finding your personality, etc., it can't be all about the voice.

Kris is a pure artist and he's likable. He's not conjured up like Adam, and he's not missing something like Danny.

Kris needs to be the next American Idol.

Words of Wisdom

"Don't let friends impose on you, work clamly and silently."

I needed this today. Woo-saaa.

It's Monday And I Have Nothing To Say

I'm running out of things to say. I don't want to talk about the obvious therefore I try to stay away from men. Everyone talks about the opposite sex. All the time. I want more intriguing subjects to rationalize on. Anyone have any ideas? I used to write my behind off on this blog back in '06 and '07. All sorts of topics. Poetry and lyrics too. I definitely had more soul stirring experiences back then. Drama, if you will. I hate that word though. I'd rather say occurances. Right now life is very quiet. Nothing's really happening. There are no 'in love' juices boiling inside of me, so I can't write a symbolic prose about the things that it does to me. I'm not annoyed, irritated or angry about anything, so there's no desperation crying to be released from my inward parts. I'm just here. Things are just...going. The things that are going seem to be so futile. My job offer, the shows I've attended, my side projects, hobbies and interests. The last movie I saw. What Rihanna wore yesterday. None of it is impressive. Repetitive is what it is.

But sometimes the glory of it all lays in the details. The small things...

It's 8:53 in the morning. Just finished an onion bagel. I have a steaming cup of hot chocolate sitting inches from my left hand waiting to be consumed. John Mayer is crooning his hit "Daughters" in my ears. Father's be good to your daughters/Daughters will love like you do. How true. Within this internet explorer window, I have two other tabs showing. Gmail - Inbox (13). Pandora Radio - Listen to... Thirteen unread emails. I have to fix that. I'm obsessive when it comes to keeping my inbox clean. That and my pinkblackberry.... The paper cup that was once filled with hot chocolate is now empty. My pinkbberry isn't flashing anymore and my inbox is now full of messages that are glazed in grey. I guess the day can begin.

Happy Monday. Even though it's just the beginning of the week, try to find the jewel in the day. I know I will.

To The Point Rant

Adam on Idol is getting on my dag on nerves. There's something about him that is beginning to irritate the mess out of me. He had me for a little while, but his magic spell that he tries to put on people is fading. He's not genuine. The next American Idol should be Kris Allen. If they should award anyone for their truthfulness to the art form of singing, it should be him. It would make the biggest artistic statment if he won.

I hate my hair. Everytime I look at it I want to puke. I feel like a mom with all of this fullness and bounce. I need edgy. I wish I could pull a Cassie and do something really daring. JennWill just shipped me some of that Cali quality hair but I don't know what I'ma do with that yet. I just know that I hate my hair.

I am on an odyssey. I'm starting another journey with the bare minimum, trying to prepare myself for something big. I don't know what it is yet, but I definitely feel like I'm re-building and coming from nothing. It's as if I'm working on fattening up the skeleton of my life. Strange.

Got offered a full-time position today with benefits. My manager assume I would accept right away. I told her that I needed to see the offer. I was taught to negotiate.

If I had to pick fashion and beauty gurus (my sis asked me who mine were), they would be Rihanna and Keri. Rihanna can do no wrong in my opinion in the fashion department. Keri's hair and makeup are ALWAYS on point. Look at this chick on her debut red carpet appearance. Chick is bad. Shoulder pads and all.



The meeting was really good tonight. I had to tell Brother Jones how fantastic he was.

I'm traveling. That's what I'm going to do. Senegal, Paris and El Salvador. I will be making a travel club account tomorrow. I'm in dire need of a vacation right now. A beach in particular... and I'm tired of Miami. It's time to think big.

Making a list of things to pray for will be good. I often times stick to the same stuff forgetting that I needed to pray for this and that. A things-to-pray-for list is ideal.

V is coming home this weekend. Haven't seen her in a while. I'll probably hit the streets hard with N and V Saturday or Sunday. A girlfriend night is in need.

The older I get the more non-traditional I get. I used to be the little girl who dreamed of a wedding and the most beautiful gown. Funny how I don't even want one anymore and would rather get married in a suit or a shin length dress. However you cut it, I am definitely not a traditional type of girl. THIS is the kind of wedding ring I want. Unique.

New Weapon - Bleach and Hammers

"Chicks be coming in with the bleach and the hammer yo!"
"Huh?"
"With bleach and the hammer!"
"What does that mean?!"
"They throw the bleach in your face and then while you're blinded, bang you out with a hammer!"
"WOOOOOOOW!"

Happy Monday!

Single And Satisfied

This was the longest week of my life. Every single day that I woke up, and realized it wasn't Friday, felt like the death of me. So, in the spirit of Friday (THANK JEHOVAH), I thought I'd share something nice with all the single sisters out here in this crazy world. =) Essence did one of their 'this-is-actually-really-good-advice' posts again, which I appreciate. "Single & Satisfied? How To Live Your Best Live With or Without A Man" I really really really hate to admit this, but I had a one minute, no... ten second actually... whining fit this week regarding my single status. (You know I can't give it that much time!) I know everyone goes through that, but I try to suppress it as much as possible. lol. So to all the single sisters out there, continue to be as fabulous as you already know you are! And let me know what your favorite piece of advice is, or what you would like to work on! Enjoy and happy Friday!

Cheers To You
You’ve asked and we listened! Not every woman is pining after a man, nor should she be. But honestly, we all want someone to share life’s ups and downs with, right? What is a single sister to do? Keep reading our Single & Satisfied Guide for starters. We’ve got tips from experts and real women on living your life like it’s golden (because it is) with or without a man.
You’re welcome.

Don’t Put Your Life On Hold
“He’ll show up on God’s schedule—not yours. In the meantime, continue to enjoy life. Expose yourself to all sorts of experiences. Laugh often and love a lot. Strive to be a person who loves life and wants to share life with someone else. It’s the energy of a well-lived life that your soul mate will be attracted to,” advises Dr. Suzan D. Johnson Cook, author of “A New Dating Attitude: Getting Ready for the Mate God Has for You (Zondervan).”

Smile Bright
Showing off your pearly whites seems like a no-brainer, but being happy and showing it makes a bigger impact then you realize. Whether out with friends or walking down a quiet street, smile a little, and let others be drawn to your light.

Solo Escapes

“I have a great apartment in a fabulous city, great friends, I like to go out but I enjoy my Netflix nights too. I have lived in Germany and have traveled to places like Greece and Denmark. My current love is my new puppy, Dynamite!” exclaims Ronda T., a 37-year-old happily single sister in Los Angeles.

It Starts With You
“We place a lot of attention on what the other person should be like. But how do we get in a state of readiness to be with that person? While it’s important to seek specific qualities in a partner, not enough of us spend time on our own spiritual development. When I was ready to be married, I went on a prayer fast, setting aside time [away from daily activities] for personal growth,” says Cook.

Girl Talk
We all know her. She has the handsome, loving, corporate exec husband and never seems to complain about her marriage. But chances are if you take some time to find out what her day to day life is like instead of assuming, you’ll learn that it isn’t nearly as perfect as you think. That husband travels all the time, constantly works late and leaves her at home by with the kids regularly. Or maybe not. Bottom line, the grass always looks greener.

Living Single
Before Carrie Bradshaw and her crew rocked New York in “Sex and the City,” the ladies of “Living Single” highlighted the highs and lows of the single life. Having girlfriends who have your back never goes out of style.

Where My Girls At?
“Cherish your true friends. While you’re single you have more opportunity to build and nurture those friendships then you do as an attached woman. Your partner can’t be all things to you. Those friendships will help you sustain your union,” says Angela R., 51, who has been happily married for 22 years.

Engage in the Extra-curriculars
Being single gives you prime opportunities to engage in activities that you enjoy…by yourself. Love to cook? Why not register for a culinary class at your local community college to perfect your chef skills. Want to conquer your fear of the water? Sign up for a swimming class at the neighborhood YMCA. Not only are these excellent ways to past your time but you just might meet a new cutie pie there.

Stay True to Yourself
“I was really happy being single when I stopped trying to be something I wasn’t. When you’re happy you attract happy people. It’s funny because even in a relationship you have to remind yourself of that,” says Jayme G., 28, of Plainflied, New Jersey, who has been exclusive with her boyfriend for the past two years.

Have Faith
We know it’s frustrating to hear sometimes, but things do happen exactly when they are suppose to. “Remember that your soul mate is on his own journey. Be confident that a man who knows what he wants and where he is going will meet you halfway,” says Dr. Suzan D. Johnson Cook.

Enjoy Your Solo
From weddings to cruise vacations, recognize the great company you are and go to places you want to . . .alone. You can have a fabulous time, and have a better chance of coming away with new friends as you work the room.

Date, Date, Date!
Did we mention you should date? Every man you grab dinner and movie with doesn’t have to be your future husband or Denzel Washington. Go out. Live a little. Kiss a few frogs. Part of the beauty of being single is having the opportunity to experience new things with as many people as you please since you are not attached to one particular man. Enjoy and remember variety is the spice of life!

Happiness Is A Journey
Remember when your Granny told you that the happiest people don’t have the best of everything, they just make the best of what they have? Well, Granny was onto something. Think about it, don’t you know someone who earns a lot less than you yet still manages to always look fly, take fabulous trips and make their situation work for them—despite not having a huge paycheck? The same applies to your love life. The only thing that is consistent in your life is you. Work with what ya got.

Create Your Own Timelines
Ever since you turned 30 Auntie Ruth has been pestering you about finding a “good man” and not becoming an old maid. Well, politely tell Auntie Ruth that while you appreciate her concern, you’re not on anyone’s schedule but your own.
“Regardless of the not-so subtle hints thrown at us during the six years that we were dating and the three years we were engaged, my husband and I got married when we were supposed to,” says newlywed Pamela Christiani. She adds, “I wasn’t interested in rushing anything.”

My Girlfriends
The trials and tribulations that can come with marriage were highlighted on “Girlfriends” with Mya (Golden Brooks), right. Joan (Tracee Ellis Ross) on the other hand was filled with lists on everything from how long she needed to know a man before marrying to the number of months to wait to have sex. Losing strict guidelines frees you to enjoy people for who they are, a lesson Joan finally learned.

Don’t Stop Being Sexy…For You
Feel sexy in the skin you are in and continue to wear your cute lingerie, splurge on those sky-high stilettos or seductive perfume for YOURSELF.

Do You
If you have the perfect date idea, there is no reason to wait until a mystery guy shows up to do it. Do the things you love, from painting to cooking, and enjoy meeting people with similar interests.

Need Male Energy?
Don’t neglect your male friends and colleagues. Enjoy the company of men from the UPS guy dropping of a package to your friends from college.

Your Time to Shine
The more time you spend falling in love with yourself will enrich every other relationship in your life. So to all the single ladies, enjoy working the dance floor, keep your head high and stay open to a bright future ahead.