Ran-dumb Thoughts

There once was a girl

Who wasn't feeling quite right

Her attitude was poor

And the world was less than bright

But then she went to happy hour

And had a ciroq and OJ

That one drink hit her hard

And everything in the world was OK

Lol

Yeah that's how I feel right now

All you need is a happy hour

And then everything is right again

Sure the fix might be temporary

But I actually talked through this one

Got to some deep rooted issues

So I actually killed two birds with one stone

Nice going j.a.c.!

I'm sitting in the bed

In my purple chemise

Listening to a preview of Ollusion

Omarion's new album for those who are unaware

I've always been a fan of this boy

Any man who can dance and hold a tune like him

Is surely alright with me

Until he does something stank

Like A. Keyes

I thought she was alright with me

But she is involved with a married man

Dang girl!

Couldn't he at least get divorced first?

Separation doesn't mean squat!

If you want to minimize the ghetto-ness

Wait until he's divorced!

With her reach for the sky, help a child self

Palease

My parents are in their room listening to new kingdom melodies

Trying to figure out what I'm walking down the aisle to

How come I can't drop it low down the aisle?

Do a little twerk and a pop?

That would be fun

Lol

I'm going to loosen up more

Like I am tonight

Inject some life into my world

Get a couple of needles and pump myself up

I'm feenin for some life

Shaking like an addict missing a fix

My hair needs to be done again

I should do it tomorrow

That way I can be ready, set to go

Just in case

The new year is coming in

I want to start it off fresh

I need to shop

But I'm holding off because of this wedding

But I really need to shop so I can do it up

Do you know I don't own a pair of classic black boots?

Gasp!

How can I not have a practical pair of boots?!

And most of my jeans are too short for heels

What a disgrace

Anyway, let's move on

My fiance doesn't like it when I talk about shopping

He doesn't say it, but I know it

He wants me to keep my eye on the more important things

Yeah, I know

But I really do need some things

It's hard being a female!

Speaking of the fiance, he's at the gym right now

Trying to beef up

Get some muscles back on that body of his

His muscles back in the day scared me

It was too too much

Now he's as skinny as a toothpick

It's marvelous how he can go back and forth without problems!

I'm as skinny as a toothpick too

Apparently I've lost weight, so I'm trying to re-gain

Just in time for my wedding

It's sleepy time

I can feel it in my bones

Nigh!

Why 42% of Black Women are single- ABC Nightline

• Don't these women live in ATL? They should know better. If they want to get married so bad, they need to move. Perhaps they should try increasing their chances of meeting a STRAIGHT, black man.
• No date in 10 years!? Come on sis. Something has got to be wrong with YOU.
• Why does this seem like a black woman's problem? So Latinas, whites, and Asians don't have an issue?
• I don't think I ever want to see a topic like this introduced by a caucasian female. Something about it doesn't feel right. "And now, here are the sad, pitiable, black women who can't find husbands."
• Seriously though, the whole story is not being told. Do these women have nasty attitudes? Do they have serious character flaws? No woman as beautiful as those 4 are, can get away with being manless for 10 years if everything is on the up and up. I'm just sayin...

My New Stalk Victim

There is something about this girl. Zoe Saldana screams class.

96 Days

I read a blog about the single mother phenomenon we see in our society and how married woman sometimes feel guilty for having a husband, when so many do not. I had to think about that for a second seeing as how I'll be married in 96 days. Would I ever feel so guilty about having a husband that minimize what I truly have by calling him "my man"? I immediately answered my own question with a 'heck no' but I'm starting to re-evaluate.

I don't talk about my wedding a lot. There isn't much to talk about because everything is being handled so smoothly, but even so, I choose not to talk about it unless someone asks me. Why is that? I definitely am excited and I really enjoy being a bride-to-be, but sometimes I feel it's...what's the word?...inconsiderate, yeah that's it. I feel it's inconsiderate of other people's feelings to be too happy about it. I'm probably putting all of this in my head on my own but most of my immediate acquaintances and friends are single ladies who desperately want to put this whole god-awful dating game behind them and be married. I was there. Hating each and every minute of the back and forth dating crap, wishing I could pass it all and be married. I remember hearing that so and so was getting married and he is the perfect man and there are no more like him. I remember the agony. It's simply not fun.

So now I'm on the other side of the spectrum. 110% happy. Feeling like I lucked out and was swept off my feet by the last knight in shining armour out here in this debased world. How could I wallow in the depths of my pre-marital bliss? It's not like I'm the type of girl to really wallow, but something does hold me back from speaking about it. It is what it is though. Even if some of my single ladies told me it was okay, I'd still have this thing about it. One thing I know for sure is that misery loves company and it takes a lot to be truly happy for someone else when you're doing all you can to be happy for yourself. Feel me?

A New Plan

Ok. I'm going to get it together starting tomorrow. I talked to JennWill and she made me do it. Here's the plan. First I need to get my act together and stop looking like a boy. So a nice outfit, a bubble bath, painted fingernails and a washed head of hair should do the trick. Next, I need to start taking strides to find friends. I need more JennWill's in my life and I realize that I'm not going to find them by sitting on my butt. I have to go out and mingle. Girlfriends are so important. It's not that I haven't enjoyed spending every waking minute with my fiance, but I'm beginning to feel like I have no outside connections to the world. I need some estrogen in my life. After that, I'm going to find a life. I keep saying this but I need to have my separate j.a.c. things. My photography, my dance, my this, my that. I've talking about seeking a certificate in something artsy and creative for the longest time. Perhaps I should follow through at some point. It's hard to maintain yourself when you're so deep in love. Remembering that you are a separate human being with separate needs, likes and desires is a challenge. There's a balance out there that I have not yet found, but I must. I have to take control of my life. My fiance and I can't stare at each other forever.

Fancy Free vs A Tub of Lard

I feel like I'm wading through lard. I don't even know how my fingers have the strength to type at this moment. Everything recently seems so hard. Waking up is a task, sitting without caving is hard, and the train ride..that's the worst. God must have been looking out for me today though because I wasn't caved into a corner like I usually am. Large black, grey and brown winter coats and heavy boots weren't stomping around me to make me feel smaller than small. This time there weren't any mounds of bodies to fight through. Bodies that weigh on average 10 pounds more than they do in the summer because of thick winter materials such as wools, down and shearling. This time it was just me.

My fiance asked me how long I've been feeling like this. I really don't know. And I don't have the energy to figure it out. All I know is that I feel extremely heavy. Everyday that I wake up is a day that I'm pushing. I can't even tell you how I make it through. It's almost like my brain tells my legs to keep moving, and somehow I get there. I'm so exhausted. The train jerked today, and I nearly fell over while lacking the strength to keep myself stable. I feel extremely frail.

I wonder if my mother is right. She says that my lack of proper nutrition is holding me down. When I walked in the door last night, both her and Kacey said that I looked haggard. Gee thanks. But they were right, because I felt it. I felt like I could have caved on the foyer at any moment. But at least I made it home right? Spring and summer usually don't have me feeling like this. This is the first winter, however, that I've felt so drained. Never have I felt so downtrodden. I saw a couple on the train that were so fancy free. I was envious of their spirit. I want to be fancy free and light. Where can I buy some of that? I'm broke, but I'd be willing to sell everything I have for it. Feeling fancy free is priceless.

Few Random Notes

Wedding planning is moving right along. A co-worker who I see often, but don't really speak to, asked how it was going as we were sanitizing our hands in the bathroom. No one has really asked me about the plans so I was happy to share. Hubby-to-be has almost completed the wedding website. He was originally working on a flash site because he wanted to be cooler than all the rest (rolling my eyes), but it was taking up too much time. Who wants to sit there and mess with html code when there are specially made free websites for this stuff?! [Right MJ?!] Future hubby has also gotten our wedding invitations and RSVP cards ready to go. I like them a lot. They look like us. Our wedding bands have been designed, so we'll probably go look at them and put a deposit down sometime next week. Things are moving right along!

Have you noticed the surge in hand sanitizer? There is hand sanitizer everywhere! There are bottles of the stuff everywhere at work...in the kitchen, in the bathroom as well as by the common area's photocopier. And to top it off, there's a hand sanitizer stand in the lobby of the office too. And then when you go to CVS or the grocery store, there's either a barrell of miniature sanitizers or a table display of the big bottles. I think someone is trying to tell us something. Sanitize Sanitize Sanitize!

Future hubby sent me a website of model homes to look at. I can't believe I'm over here looking at houses for my future family. It's so weird! I don't understand how I could feel this way, but I feel too young to be heading down this path. But we all know that's not true because when my the number of years I've been on this earth flashes before my eyes, I'm immediately shut down. Yep, it's definitely time. It's past time. Regardless, I can't even express to you how I feel about this next chapter of my life. I Am So Ready. I wish tomorrow was my wedding day. But then again, as David Tutera from the "My Fair Wedding" tv show said, i shouldn't wish the time before the wedding away because before I know it, it'll be over.


Ok, that's it for now.

Praying For A New Job

The "Discover A Career You Believe In" sign in the lobby haunts me. Everytime I see it, I wonder why I'm here. Little does the company know that if that sign keep staring me in the face like that, I'm going to discover my way right on out of here. Maybe that's why it's there in the first place - to get me moving. I've begun to incorporate my desire for a new job in my prayers. I've been really specific too. The amount of money, the flexibility, the type of job, the time frame, and the location. I probably should add in what type of people I'd like the work with. I'm so ready to get out of here.

When Are We Going To Play?

I'm getting married, but nothing's happening. It's so quiet and the air seems thin. Where are all the fun bridal activities that the bride-to-be gets to partake in. I've never really been one for the spotlight, but this time I kinda want to go for it. Whenever I've been singled out for something, I try to minimize it and do my best to make others feel like it's a big moment for them as well. I did that for my baptism. At least the best I could. Even though people came from afar and everyone was there for me, I turned it into a MJ and I can finally date thing. At least in my own head. Our two families came together for the first time that day as well. I was more nervous about meeting his mom than I was about my baptism. So as I was saying, it was about more than just me. There's a part of me that doesn't want to do that this time. Even though it's my husband-to-be's special day too, I kinda want it to feel like j.a.c.'s day. Actually, I want the stuff leading up to the wedding day to be all about j.a.c. The pampering, the girl's day/night out, the bridal shower, etc. That's the stuff I want a spotlight for. The wedding day though...I hope they look at him more than they look at me. lol. But I'm ready. I'm ready for the pre-wedding activities! Where are they? We have less than four months until the wedding and all I hear are crickets. Should I be doing something? Maybe I should plan my own single ladies get-together. Our local needs was about taking initiative in hospitality. The elder said that if we want more gatherings, initiate them! I thought that was kind of funny. Anyway, when will I begin to feel like a princess for a day? Is this pre-wedding period all about hard work and no play? I promise that if and when the playing happens, I won't try to downplay it. ;-)

10:48am Reflections

What do you do when your candles are burning thin

When your tears are trapped behind eyelids

When the pain you've grappled with doesn't die

When the light turns to terrifying darkness

They tell you keep pushing

Ask if there's anything they can do to help

Say that I've come further than I realize

Give me love to wrap around me like a blanket

But if you aren't fine within

If you can't find the happiness

If your individual journey doesn't lead up

Then none of it matters

A song that's tugging on my heart strings right now. Corinne's debut after the untimely death of her husband. "I'd Do It All Again"

I Took The Day Off Today

When I opened my eyes, I reached for my phone and read the most encouraging message. So encouraging that I re-positioned myself up on my elbows to finish reading while halfway through. I wasn't expecting a comment, especially because no one reads blogs anymore, much less for someone to leave one that fit me so well. I read the message over trying to inhale every single word. They smelled too delectable to stop. Thank you Morgan.

So I propelled off of that wonderful, pick-me-up of a comment and wrote in my personal journal about 20 minutes ago. I think I may have moved one space towards that age of self-discovery that I feel is missing. Chances are that Morgan is right and it never left. But just now, I'm beginning to see the light of clarity.

When I was everywhere but home, I was out. Unlike being on this assembly line I call home, when I was away, I was mountain climbing and flower picking. Not literally of course, but I was extremely active and open. It's interesting that I used the mountains and flowers to express how it felt because I think to certain extent, being in nature and in the openness of California afforded me a lot. As a matter of fact, I know it did. I'm a nature girl at heart. I love to lay on a blanket in the park, drive with my sunroof open in order to see the beautiful clouds that are there for my enjoyment, and sit on the beach while listening to crashing waves. I think it's my connection with nature that spring-boards my stillness. And from that stillness comes thinking abilities that allow me to go inside, which in turn allows me to be so clear. Hmm. How deep is that? This is totally coming to me right now as I type this. So here's what it is. I rely on Jehovah's creation to find myself. Wow. Now that's a statement right there... Wait. Give me a minute to let that marinate... Yep. I thought it over and it's true. I remember when I used to drive up one of those mountainous hills in Long Beach, get out of the car, and sit overlooking the city for an hour or more. Not only was I able to gain clarity on a lot of personal things I was going through, but I was able to realize how perfect and vast God's creation is. How could you sit on top of a peak and not see God?

So where does this leave me now? Morgan said that I have a new age of self-discovery upon me. The discoveries of partnership, lover and best friend. It's interesting to note that everything I wrote above, I experienced as a single person. Well maybe not. I think I must have been dating at some of those 'up high' moments, but never to the point where I considered myself as one unit with the other. But after all that dating (well not ALL; I've only had 3 or 4 boyfriends) I'm finally about to be one body with a man I know is perfect for me. So yes. In essence, I was single. I've never had to share any of that stuff above with anyone. Nor do I know how to. Nor do I know if I have to. When I think about taking a moment to think, I certainly don't see another person in the picture. Should I? I went "flower picking" all by myself and loved it. For when I came back from "flower picking", I was ten leaps ahead from where I was when I started. What I think I'm trying to say is that space has afforded me growth. So now what do I do? My geographic location nor my relationship status can provide me with space. Oh wow. Lol. LMBO. Guess what my fiance' and I keep as a theme of ours? "No space between us." How ironic! Hmm... So wait. As the laughter fades from making that connection, I'm beginning to feel a little concerned. Sooooo..... Ummmm..... Ugh. I think I just put myself between a rock and a hard place. I have to think about this now.

Well... at least I'm thinking! And I have the day off to do it.

I Feel A Hole Inside of Me

I'm not okay.
But I don't want to complain.
What I do need to do is speak the truth.
Without my staples, loneliness can set in.
It's true that you don't know what you're missing until it's gone.
You don't know how valuable people are until you can't reach them.
But I should use this time for me.
Lord knows I could use it.
Still yet, I feel a bit lost in translation.
I don't know what to use the time for.
Nor do I want anyone to tell me.
This isn't where I want someone to jump in and 'fix it'.
My mind is very cloudy.
I haven't been clear for a very long time.
I remember a phase in my life when I saw everything like crystal.
Among westward sunny skies when I was me by myself.
In tune with myself, I was so peaceful.
I miss the absolute stillness that comes from clarity.
Absolute stillness.
When is there time for that?
You have to dig deep down and find that place.
It's within all of us.
But when you're ripping, you crowd out the time.
Since I moved home, I've been swallowed.
I fell right back in line.
Jumped straight on the conveyor belt and haven't stopped yet.
I checked back in to 'my place' in this town.
The daughter, the PG girl, the regular.
The regular.
I think that's the disappointing part.
I'm so used to being amongst the new.
Falling back into the regular halted my self-discovery.
Self-discovery should never end.
But now that I'm here, I'm not discovering anything.
I'm lost.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm not okay.

I Hate My Job

It's official. I hate my job. I tried not to admit it because then I would have to do something about it. But I can't fight it anymore. When I'm here, I'm down. When I'm on my way here, I'm down. I just hate this place. I cringe every time I get an email. And I'm definitely annoyed when someone calls. The work does nothing for me. It doesn't move me, excite me or inspire me. It's just pure work. I miss Essence. I miss believing in my profession.

Procrastinating

How come no one blogs anymore? I miss the days when blogworld was the scene...the place to be. I remember when I couldn't keep up with the number of new posts and comments on everyone's blogs. I think blogging has been punched in the face by twitter. I'm still not on that thing so I have no idea what the frenzy is and how it replaces blogs. All I know is that I miss the camaraderie of blogs. I miss sharing with people who actually read, care and comment.

My head hurts a little. I have this tough assignment to take care of and I'm procrastinating like I don't know what. Manual accruals. Yuck. It's the hardest thing on my list of to do's, and it usually takes a whole day to figure out. Nevermind the fact that it's already 1 something. I should at least get them started so that I can have them finished Monday. But... I just don't feel like it! My head hurts! It probably only hurts because I know I have to do them. It's only stress. I gotta push through.

I'm going to NY when I leave from work. I'm excited to go back to the city. If only it was to shop. I have a photography gig tomorrow that I'm a little nervous about because my viewfinder seems a little blurry which prevents me from taking the best shots possible. I really need to put my camera in the shop but who has money for that? I'm planning a wedding. Nevertheless, I hope the shoot goes well. I'll take more than the necessary so that I can cut what I need and hand over a nice package of shots. I need to figure out how to put a tag on all of my photos.
© 2009 j.a.photography. Perhaps my fiance can do that for me. I pray that I get a lot of really nice shots. I'm going to work hard on this one.

My engagement ring is getting on my nerves. I think it's because it's still too loose. I can't imagine wearing rings on my finger for the rest of my life. I usually take all my jewelry off when I go to bed. I'm tempted to take the ring off as well, but I know better. Before I know it, I'll be wondering where that gorgeous diamond ring went.

Can I take a nap right now? Goodness. I need to recharge before I start those accruals. Maybe I'll take another break after this break and get my mind together. If my energy is right, I can push through it. Only two and a half hours more to go. Actually, just two, cuz I think I'm going to leave a little earlier than intended. The bus to NY leaves at 5:30 and I want to be there 20-30 minutes early. So I guess I'll leave right before 4:30, go pick up dinner for the bus and be on my merry way.

I just had to unsnap my bra at my desk... Sorry for the TMI but it's been bothering me this entire time. I hate bras (and the itchy leg warmers called tights). Adam and Eve had it the best.

My girl Liz asked me if I was writing. I told her that I had no time. Now that I think about it though, I've written more in the last month than I have in a long time. I've been blogging more and I've even written quit a bit in my journal. I think I owe it all to the pending nuptials though. I finally had something to write about. It would be nice to write a story, poem or lyrics though, like I used to. That takes the patience, follow through and concentration that I just don't have right now. I love to write though. If I could write all day I would.

My parents are on their way to Africa. How exciting. I'm really happy for them. Experiencing the motherland for the first time, together as husband and wife...that's just wonderful. They'll be running around Capetown and Johannesburg, as well as doing a safari. What's very cool about the trip is that they get to do all of this with our international spiritual brothers and sisters. I can't wait until I get to attend an international convention. I think I'd either want to go to an island like Hawaii or do Paris and London. I'm big on traveling, even though I don't get to do it as often as I'd like, so traveling with delegates from congregations is a good way to go about it. I think. I haven't gone on one yet so who knows what freedoms are really allowed. If I can't visit the spa and go jet skiing, I'll have to take another trip back on my own. lol.

Okay. I'm really really tired. I'm going to the break room for a second. I might just need to come into work early on Monday. Have a good weekend!

Don't Know Why I Left

My iPod has been horribly stocked lately. I don't even listen the thing half of the time. All of this light pop stuff has got to go.

So I landed on Erro's blog today (haven't been there in a while) and was quickly transported into a world of music that I had forgotten all about. REAL MUSIC! Erro introduced me to so many new and not so new artists (Chinna Black who is one of Ms. Badu's backup singers, Ebrahim, Francis and the Lights, etc.) that I'm overwhelmed. I can't wait to re-do my iPod completely!

Here's a couple of videos/artists that I discovered today. They've been feeding me for the last couple of hours.

RE-Introducing Soul R&B and Hip Hop music. I don't know why I left.

A Modern Promise (music video) from Francis and the Lights on Vimeo.