Ran-Dumb Thoughts

Morning Blogworld. I had another bad dream. Yesterday I almost killed someone and last night someone almost killed me. I also had a dream last night where I witnessed the most heart crushing break up ever. It's weird...these dreams of mine. I woke again at 4:30 in the morning. I guess my body's still on eastern standard time. My vacation was good, but I didn't get that full peaceful experience I was looking for. I did a lot of bumming around. Sitting in the sun. Dancing on the beach. Exercising on the shore. Seemed peaceful enough but my mind ran a mile a minute. For the entire time. I haven't been able to quiet my mind for a while now. Last night I tried to do so, but just ended up falling asleep. I turned down the tv so that I could have 15 minutes of peace until my show came on. But to no avail... There used to be a time when I could lay and just meditate. In high school, my track coach did this exercise with us where we laid on the floor and concentrated on our muscles one at a time, contracting them and then releasing them. From our foot muscles up to our neck muscles. I was able to release all my tension right into the floor under me. I felt like I weighed a ton of bricks when it was time to get up. I was so heavy. My entire body was relaxed. It was great. Now-a-days I can't seem to keep quiet long enough to make that happen. I can't stay free enough to focus on my breathing. Have you ever craved stillness? I'm reading a book about a woman who's having the same problem. I wish I could learn from her experiences but my disdain for her is too strong. Have you ever disliked the protagonist of a story? I don't know why I don't like her. Maybe it's because she's too dramatic. I understand what she's feeling but she's making too big a deal out of it. Maybe I just don't like the fact that she had to write a 300 page book about it. I don't know. I'm not sure why I feel that way... as much writing as I do. The one thing that I think I can meditate on is music. I'd like to lay on my bed, turn up my stereo really loud, and listen to the instrumental of Kanye's new album with my eyes closed. I'd like to feel the beat in my chest and let the violins and the keyboards and whatever else 'Ye uses just surround me. Lift me up off of my bed and be high. I saw Bey in concert on Sunday, so I've been intentionally listening to a lot of her music. She said in one of her songs that she loves him more than music. Can you imagine that? For a music lover to love someone more than music? WOW. Would you give up music for someone? But anyway, Bey was just as expected. Sensational. Thanks to my boy, JennWill and I got upgraded to suite seats. That was wonderful. I got to dance my little Beyonce butt all around the suite to my satisfaction. Got a little workout too. Speaking of workouts, I need to get back on my regiment. Tighten up this body of mine. Now that I've began the Nationwide Fitness Club and started tracking my food and exercise, I can't look at a piece of fried chicken like I used to. During the family reunion, my great aunt asked why I wasn't eating and I responded that I can't really do soul food anymore. She proceeded to yell something about it not being soul food. She said it was regular food. See. That's our problem. When we start calling fried chicken, mac and cheese, greens with neckbones, red beans and rice, sweet potatoes and rolls a regular meal, we're doomed. That's a once in a while treat. It should not be the norm. So even though I ate more than I should have during the family reunion, I did pretty well. I did have a lot of apple pie and ice cream though. At all hours of the night too. I just love apple pie and ice cream. My favorite dessert in the whole wide world. Speaking of dessert, it's so freakin hot in LA! (I know the two have nothing to do with one another but that's where my mind took me.) I thought it was hot in Myrtle Beach. Shoo... I've been sweating non-stop since I stepped off the plane. You almost have to take one step and pat yourself off, take another and pat again. I do love the nights though. Warm nights are wonderful. Not too hot, but warm enough to avoid another layer of clothing. Clothes are the enemy. Light, loose, short, little dresses are the best weapon. I got a new straw hat yesterday. I love it! An apparently so did a lot of people I passed by while on Venice Beach yesterday. I got a lot of compliments on it. Good thing this is a four day week. Can you believe it's already September 4th? Kids are going back to school already. Starting a fresh new year. Before we know it, the new year will be here. You know what song I really like? Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry". I really feel those lyrics. "I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you. It's personal, myself and I. We've got some straightenin' out to do. And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket. But I've got to get a move on with my life. It's time to be a big girl now. And big girls don't cry." That's perfect. Speaking of straightening out, our circuit assembly is this upcoming weekend. (I wish he could/would come.) I'm looking forward to 2 days of spiritual food. I need it. I need to be inundated. I feel like I've been depleted. At last year's assembly, I was scared straight. Right into tears actually. I believe it was around this time last year that I made my dedication to God in my heart. I just wish I could do so publicly in baptism. But that'll come when the time is right. I'm not ready right now anyway. I have some straightening out to do. I think the move will be good for that. I'm distracted in LA. I just need a good year. Perhaps I'll come back. Perhaps I won't. The crystal ball isn't clear enough to tell. Looks like I need to get back on the grind where this move is concerned. It's such a burden. Grinding... I just want to snap my fingers and be ready. Getting ready is hard. I had a good Bible discussion yesterday. I actually enjoyed it. I thought it was going to be miserable but we actually got somewhere. It was really productive. AND it was only for an hour. I love short and to the point. I think that's where the miserable comes in. Long drawn out and unorganized stuff. I'm a short and sweet and on the subject girl. Things could be so good if we... There goes that "if" again. I could use an apple or a banana right now. My co-workers are still not in. I've been here since 6. Why do I come in so early? To get off early ding bat. Oh yeah. I enjoy my LA afternoons. I could be laying on the beach at 4pm. That's the main thing I'm going to miss. The beach. I love the beach. I love beaches. Especially ones with blue water. I can't wait to go to Jamaica and the Cayman Islands in January. Jamaica's beaches are incredible. I miss Jamaica. Hmm.. I have a lot to say this morning huh? I just don't want to move on yet. I have more regular morning routine, but I'm not ready yet. I don't want to yet... I just want to write and listen to Kanye. His music is so nice. It's SO NICE. Skip "Stronger" though. His choruses are always so tight. So beautiful. "I wonder if you know what it means to find your dreams come true." How pretty. You wonder if I know what it means to find my dreams come true. I actually don't. My true dreams? My true heart's desires? Nope. I don't know what it means to have those come true. But that's partially my fault. Perhaps I'm just not ready for them yet. Sometimes I wish I could live in a fairy tale. Experience all my dreams come to fruition. All I want is everything. Is that so bad? I just want to be a princess in a tower and be saved and life happily ever after. Dah well! I'm a Black American Princess with real problems, real struggles and a real life to live. All is good. Life is a blessing. Positive thinking right Dame? I saw "Last Holiday" during my vacation. You know, the movie with Queen Latifah in which she thinks she has 2 weeks to live? It was actually pretty inspirational. I definitely don't live life like it's my last day. I'm always looking ahead for what might come. Life in the moment. It's so hard to do, but I'll try. Have a good day/week everyone. Take care of yourself. No, really... Take care of yourself.