Just speaking what's on my mind. Like I mentioned below, I'm back from vacation. For some odd reason, I was ready to come home. It seemed like a few others felt the same way. Maybe the cruise was too long. I had a ball in Jamaica though. I think it was because I finally got some to spend some time with all of my girls. The ship is so big that you hardly know where people are most of the time. All in all, despite a few uncomfortable situations and moments, I was able to absorb the weather and amazing scenery. Now that I've hit up the Caribbean twice, I'd like to do something different. I've been thinking a lot about Europe. Tuscany, Venice, Paris, Rome... Just speaking those names feels right. After that, I'd like to visit Asia. My family is talking about going to Africa in a couple of years. I'm definitely down for that. I'm ready to step up my vacation game a bit and hit other continents ya know? The only other country I've been to is Spain. After Africa, I'm down to come back closer to home and hit Central and South America. J is talking about going to Australia next year. That would be cool too. The goal is to do at least one vacation a year. I owe myself that reward. Why else do I work?
This year's cruise made me think about last year's cruise. One of the things I remember the most is quite sad actually. After the vacation, I learned that one of my friends was very uncomfortable during the trip. It turns out that he thought my family had a problem with him and his girlfriend, which in no way was true. As a result, I hardly ever talk to this friend, and I know that his girlfriend doesn't care for me at all. I know it's impossible to control how others feel about you, but it bothers me to no end that there is someone out here in this world that has malicious or contentious feelings towards me. It kills me inside when people are upset with me, or have issues with something I've done. I really do believe that I'm a nice person, so things like this just send me into tears, especially when I believe I haven't done anythng to warrant this person's feelings. The year before the cruise, my friend came with me to a formal ball that I organized, as a honest to God friend. When he came on the cruise with his girlfriend, he felt like my family looked at him sideways because he showed up with a different girl. Now my family would never think like that or purposefully make anyone uncomfortable. My mom, cousins, and aunts (the people who met and knew my friend from the ball) were so excited to see their sisters, cousins and extended family that they weren't even thinking about my friend and his girlfriend. So I was shocked when I went over to say hi to his girlfriend about 5 months after the cruise and she acted like I was her primary enemy. After I pulled myself together, it took me a while to figure out why she got up and walked away when I came over to say hi... I don't think I'll ever forget that feeling...when she returned my hug with two snubb fingers on my back and cold shoulder. I wanted to apologize for whatever I did, but knew that I needed to keep my distance. ANYWAY, I think I'm writing about this because I had some of those feelings again on this year's cruise. And it bothered me. I absolutely HATE it when people have a problem with me. Especially when I don't know why. And most of the time, it's a communication problem. I never mean to hurt a single person's feelings and I wish that somehow everyone in the universe could know that about me. But alas, I can't be naive and the world isn't perfect. I don't want to leave this world with an enemy or in a bad spot with a human being. I don't care if it's the homeless man down the street or George Bush. I can't have anyone mad at me. My heart breaks when that happens.
On a lighter note, baby boi is coming to visit this weekend! It's completely unplanned but we couldn't take it anymore. Going a week without talking on top of not being able to see each other due to the long distance relationship almost killed me. During my travels back home from the cruise, I spoke to my mom about the trip and she immediately pointed out that something was wrong. And of course, she knew what that something was. She said that I needed to recharge again. That I needed a dose of baby boi. I liked how she knew how I felt even before I knew what was wrong. It was also nice to hear her say that she couldn't do it if she was me. Sometimes I feel like "parents just don't understand" or they don't really care about your relationships because they all seeem so frivilous in our day and age, but she really empathized with me. That made me feel warm inside. So yes, he's coming and finally I'll be able to feel like I can breathe again. Normally, I don't like talking about personal relationships on blogs. It's actually quite uncomfortable. I guess I feel like people don't really care and it's too private to entertain on the world wide web. That's what my journal is for (that I wrote in almost every night on the cruise). But I need a pick me-up this time around. And speaking briefly about my upcoming weekend is a very large pick me-up.
I'm ready to dive back into life. I feel like I need to re-prioritize and re-center myself. I feel so out of whack. I need to remember what my purpose is in life and what my goals are during this stint of mind in New York. I haven't felt very close to Jehovah in a while and realize that is most of the reason why I feel the way I do. I've been going through the motions, great motions at that, and have had so many quick and fast blessings breeze my way, but I haven't had that complete and total peace that I used to have for a nice chunk of time while living in LA. I think that it takes extra effort to find peace in New York. Everything here is so hard. New York doesn't let you relax with the weather, the over-crowdedness, the pollution, the noise, and the all around general fight. But someone from New York said to me on the cruise that his most peaceful time was when he was surrounded by everything...or something to that sort. That sounded so utopian. I'm anxious to have that. I'm all about tranquility and peace so I have to carve that out of New York. I need to find my space in this whirlwind of a city. I need to find me.
Well people, I didn't know I was going to be this honest and open tonight, but I guess it's appropriate. I feel very honest and open at this moment. I'm glad tomorrow is a holiday. I need a moment to myself, after I do my laundry, check up on my bills/accounts, enroll for a photography class, and clean up my tiny space. I wish I could escape to a library or a quiet beautiful spot tomorrow, but it's so hard finding either in 20 degree weather. I might just go downstairs to the restaurant and have a cup of hot chocolate. Maybe I'll turn that into my place. The place where no one else is invited.
My heart goes out to you world. I pray that you're peaceful and full of love right now. I love you.
